Just getting started... gotta do something different

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by seebs75, Nov 2, 2017.

  1. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    After a couple of good posts, I wanted to be real check in with the struggle. I have gotten into a routine of getting up in the morning doing something different than my old routine which was PMO every morning to start the day. The time I would normally PMO I now take a few minutes and check in on this website and Mark another day completed on my day counting app. I was cruising along lthis morning and had a really strong urge to MO. I didn’t and I checked in on my app and kind of forced myself to get on with my morning routine go to work.

    Later this morning I was watching something and there was a beautiful actress on the shelf and before I knew it I had pulled my phone and Google her to see if she’s ever been nude. Of course she had and I’m looking at my phone and thinking what the heck am I doing.

    I shut the whole thing down, but still have an urge to jump right back in. Kind of crazy how fast and hard it sneaks up on you. Anyway I can make it the rest of the day. I just wanted to put my crap out there to hold myself accountable and not go any further. Feels good to bring it into the light.
  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Great bloody job, seebs75! :)
  3. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    We can turn on a dime with this shit. Great effort, seebs75:)
  4. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Hey guys just wanted to check in. It’s been 32 days as of today! It’s been a very long, but also quick 32 days. I’m sure you guys know what that feels like.

    I’ve been struggling a little bit past couple of days with the temptation to peek. I find myself not turning away from scenes on tv, but rather taking it in. I’ve also let myself look at women/pictures on social media. Things I didn’t do a few weeks ago.

    I need to reset what I’m ok doing and move it a step back. I think one of my biggest concerns is in the past, my recovery was dependent on fear. It was strong desire to not re-experience the pain of Rock bottom. However it’s almost like our brains romanticize past and leave out the horrible parts the further we go and the fear of that pain isn’t enough to maintain sobriety.

    I’m feeling the tension to find something else to live for and put in its place so I don’t relapse.

    I’d appreciate any thoughts from you guys.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  5. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Letting yourself look at pictures on your computer is a big mistake.
    seebs75 likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    This is a big question, isn't it? It's one I haven't answered. But, what has made my life immeasurably better is finding satisfaction in getting the little things done. Doing the mundane builds up our stamina for more significant things, just like doing reps at the gym.
    seebs75 likes this.
  7. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    The problem is that, for now as you D2 receptors are healing from over stimulation, nothing will feel thrilling. That's why addiction is so insidious, it takes away the ability to feel pleasure from every day rewards and it lures you back with the promises of a huge hit of dope.

    The best thing you can do is set very small goals and accomplish them.

    Even the most addicted brain will get dopamine spurts from that; exercise and meditation are also proven to work. Actually very few things are proven to support the dopamine system in it's function -- meditation, exercise, socializing, setting and accomplishing goals, sleep, anti oxidants -- so here is where I would focus my energy.
    seebs75 likes this.
  8. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Well I’m out. Counter reset. After almost 60 days the holidays got to me. I just pmo’d for the first time. I’ll be honest, I didn’t jump straight into it but rather dipped my toes for several days. I think the stress of the holidays and in-law drama. I was in a fog and the whole time my head was screaming stop, pull out, you haven’t gone too far. My heart on the other hand was like f-it. Who cares. Guess who won out?

    Now I feel like crap. I’m in a foul mood. All the negative feelings came flooding back. Mostly a strong feeling of shame. The crazy thing is everything was going good. Good sex with wife, feeling better, a few days ago the idea of pmo wasn’t enticing at all. Yet here i sit...

    So I’m going to reset my day count and get back on the wagon. Not sure I need to process much more. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I need to check in here more. I noticed it has beef 22 days since my last post. Being here really helped.

  9. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Well, I’m still scraping bottom of the barrel for little while longer it seems. I have PMO’d The last three days. It’s always in the morning, I always know what I’m doing and how will turn out for me yet I keep going at it.

    The most interesting thing for me is how poor my mood has been. Today my wife commented to me how different I have been the last few days. Coincidentally The period of time she was speaking of was the period during which I have relapsed. She compared to how I was the week previous which was emotionally available and in a good mood.

    You would think that the stark differences would be motivation of for me to stop, but I continue to find myself struggling. Tomorrow morning is a new day and and a new year. I’ll start again.

  10. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Hey guys,
    I’m back after a two-month absence. Not sure where to start other than to start over. To give a brief recap I had gone close to 60-ish days without PMO. Over the Christmas holidays with downtime and family pressures, I caved and went back to it. Now nearly 2 months later, I am back into my daily PMO habit. On a recent work trip I found myself reaching out to others on the Internet and contemplating hook ups. This is so far from where I want to be and where I was in December. I remember at one point in December thinking how little desire I had for my behaviors of old. Then to find myself right back in the middle of it two months later was scary and disheartening.

    I know I can keep on with the PMO, but eventually it will get bad enough I have to stop. Today I figure why not start now. Again.

    So I’m kicking off again and looking to this group for some support. Any tips would be appreciated on how to maintain sobriety and utilize this group effectively.

    As I look back on my first two months sober, the things I noticed that were not healthy was the peaking at racy movies or social sites. I Eventually caved using my phone which is a constant temptation for me. I also found that after a week or two of PMO the delayed orgasm had returned As bad as it had been before. There were so many good things happening in a short time of no pmo, I’d like to get back there.

    Here goes nothing. (Everything)
  11. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the two months you achieved. It's great you've come back with renewed determination.

    Here are some tips. Post here everyday. Engage with the community. We learn so much when posting on the journals of others.
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2018
  12. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Agree with you on the posting. That was definitely a big help my first time and something I got away from.

    Today has been 24 hours and it has been difficult. I realize that the morning times are when I am most Vulnerable. I am busy enough I don’t need to add anything to my list, but I’m also looking forward to my productivity going up as I quit procrastinating.

    I’m leaving town this weekend for a five day business trip. I am especially nervous about this because in all my times of recovery the past many years, I have never not done something on the road. Usually it’s just PMO, but I have a goal to make it through this trip unscathed. I definitely will need the accountability to do it.
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Good to have you back Seebs.

    Engage on here, engage in your life, learn to respect yourself (PMO is not respectfull, but u knew that).

    little steps of selfcare, just to remind yourself. And yes cold showers ar invaluable! ;)
    seebs75 likes this.
  14. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Hanging in there. Still have an urge to pmo. These past few days I have been in an absolute fog. Difficulty focusing and thinking clearly. I haven’t experienced this before and it’s wild. I’m very tired and just out of sorts. Hanging in there though.
    bobjes and Saville like this.
  15. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    I leave for my trip in the morning. Still feeling out of sorts and a bit anxious, but then also feeling good about no pmo this week. It’s amazing how simple and easy this thing is sometimes and then almost simultaneously it can be so difficult. I feel good about my chances to make it through the trip with no pmo . Stay tuned.
    bobjes and Libertad like this.
  16. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Simplest thought is "PMO is not an option!"
    Yet implementing it can lead to an inner battle.
    Resolve required here. Fighting spirit. The spirit that has already made up its mind. Bring it on whatever it is but I know that "PMO is not an option".

    Wishing you a good trip (-:
    Saville likes this.
  17. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Well fellas, I’m two days into my trip. So far so good. Bobjes, your mantra of “pmo is not an option” is working great so far. The crazy thing is I’m in the city with a lot of beautiful women. Today I was outside at a venue in the room lots of young, scantily dressed women and I was surprisingly relaxed. It was almost as if because I knew PMO was not an option, I didn’t need to objectify them for my spank bank.

    I don’t want to get overconfident, but I’m feeling pretty good close to the halfway point. There is some restlessness and this voice that says “just do it.” Strangely I feel a little bit like Russell Crowe in a beautiful mind where he just ignores his hallucinations and goes on with his life. I am working on just ignoring the addict Who I know has nothing good for me.
    Libertad likes this.
  18. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Fly home in couple of hours. Looks like I made it. Is the first trip in YEARS where I haven’t pmo’d. All kinds of feelings and definitely feel the pull to do it. Ready to be back home, but need to keep my guard up when I get there. It’s a sneaky bastard.
  19. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    I made it home. Had a great re-connection with the misses. It was incredible and I owe so much of it to no PMO. Keeping up the fight today. Watching for a rebound temptation. Here we go.
    Saville likes this.
  20. Joob

    Joob New Member

    I love this! "PMO IS NOT AN OPTION". I need to repeat this 100 times everyday!
    seebs75 likes this.

Share This Page