Just getting started... gotta do something different

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by seebs75, Nov 2, 2017.

  1. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Well, this is my first post here. Actually this is my first post anywhere. I’m 42 years old, married with kids. I have tried to stop so many times and always failed. I desperately want this time to be different. A little history...

    I grew up with frequent access to pornography, but it was nothing like what there today. I had a good, but hard childhood with some family trauma. I coped by Finding PMO. It was frequent MO and P. When I turned 16 I was molested by a much older man. For years I didn’t recognize it as abuse, I thought I was responsible because I was in a place I shouldn’t be. I was raised in a fundamental religious household and felt huge amounts of guilt and shame because of my addiction to PMO. As I got older the addiction led to casual and sometimes anonymous sex with people. In my 20s I (foolishly) thought the way out was to get married. Spoiler Alert- it didn’t fix anything. A few years later we had our first kid and my behavior was out of control. Eventually I got caught and it ALL came out. My wife stayed with me and after lots of counseling and help I was able to stop all PMO and acting out with other people.

    This was good for about 5 years and we moved and I lost my support network. I had had a few instance of PMO, but it was very far and few between. When we moved, I started watching P at my job. That led edging and eventually MO. I finally came clean to my wife and as a condition of us staying together she wanted ,e to go to a rehab that specialized in Sex addiction even though my addicted in was nowhere near my earlier levels. After that things were good for a couple of years, I would occasionally use PMO and would edge. That led to getting my first iPhone and then having the internet in my pocket. It’s been about 7-8 years and my addiction has gotten steadily worse. It has evolved into near daily PMO and several times have included chatting with strangers and occasionally MO to that.

    A couple years ago I was depressed and got on an antidepressant. One of the big side effects for me was delayed O. It helped with my depression, but I hated the side effects. I got off of it, but the delayed O continued. I would tell myself I was testing myself when I would PMO. In the past 2-3 years the ED. Has gotten worse and I have realized it is PIED.

    I know the use has caused me so much emotional turmoil. I see how low and often angry I get after pmo. I have so much shame and self loathing I know it affects every aspect and YET My desire to quit is far eclipsed by my desire to PMO.

    I guess I’m hoping that this time could be different because I’m reaching out here for some sort of support or accountability. I know I can’t fix this alone. God knows I tried.

    Tomorrow morning will mark 24 hours for me. Wish me luck
    Billy B. likes this.
  2. Optimum Fortitude

    Optimum Fortitude New Member

    Hi Seebs, good luck. Looks like you succeeded to stay away from PMO in the past, you can do it again. I hope you do!
  3. 57yrold

    57yrold Member

    Welcome. This is a fantastic forum. Lots of help here. You can do in!!
  4. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

  5. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Thank you
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Hey, bro'. I cheated on my wife and everything was majorly fucked up for a long time. However, giving up the PMO is a game changer. If you really want it you can change things positively forever. The dependence we have on P is a chemical one. Over time it subsides and allows us to react normally to natural stimuli...you've probably read this already. Use the restless energy to fix things around the house, stuff you've probably let slide for a long time. You are young compared to me and you have so much great living to do!
  7. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    That’s encouraging. I’m haven’t been with anyone other than my wife in 16 years, but I’m afraid of where this road could lead. If you hang around a barber shop long enough, eventually you’ll get your hair cut.
  8. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Welcome aboard. This is a unique brotherhood. No shaming, no criticising just support. I think you will like it here. You did it once you can do it again.
    " If one man can do it another man can do it !"once again welcome aboard.
  9. 40New30

    40New30 Keep going

    Welcome to our group! It's good that you were clean for many years, it will make your recovery a bit faster. I was a PMO/MO addict for so many years (uninterrupted), and I believe that's made my reboot quite a bit longer than yours will be. Not saying it's easy, it never is. Talking about your problems is a huge first step.
  10. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    24 hours under my belt. My hardest time is in the morning. I almost always wake up and it’s quiet. I usually read something on my phone and that usually leads to P and then MO. It seems like I wake up with anxiety or restlessness. The PMO takes the edge off but then I feel like crap.

    On the positive side I woke up with MW today. I guess I’m not completely broken. Lol.

    My other concern is it seems like I sabotage myself. When I’m having a good day or have had several good days I PMO for some reason. Any ideas why I feel the need to do this? This is especially true if I have had sex with my wife. I have such a strong urge for PM the next day.

    So many weird observations when you stop and think about patterns.
  11. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Welcome Seebs,
    Thank you for sharing your story. It reminded me of how crap, ashamed, angry and powerless I used to feel immediately after every PMO session.
    A welcome reminder not to go there...

    It is the addict speaking, the part of our brain that craves the oxytocin, endorphines released during PMO, edging, wanting more... this of course also gets activated during sex with your wife... After a few days of no PMO it will do anything to get more, like the heroin addict stealing, lying and cheating to get the next shot. This part of our brain will do just about anything to get to the next high. It will exploit our weaknesses, look for any moment of doubt in our minds, cajole us, be sneakily quiet in the background, play with our moods and be totally random just to get us to get on the familiar bandwagon of our PMO coping mechanism... And the oxytocin, endorphine release that comes with it.

    The addict needs a good parent. Compassionate, wise and firm to lead it into healthy ways of coping with life's demands. Learning new healthier ways to cope with these demands...

    Welcome again Brother (-:
    Gandalf the Grey, Boxer17 and seebs75 like this.
  12. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    I’m on day 3. Feels like day 20. Interesting reading about the chemical release from pmo. I have been feeling such strong urges. Some to just slide into watching P. Others around objectifying all the women I’ve seen in the past few days. I’m trusting that these feelings will pass. Any idea on how long?

    I’ve also been thinking about how I have felt so much shame around all types of sex. I think with my wife my pattern has been a lot of negative thoughts around sex, to the point that when I would have sex A part of me would always feel guilty. I want to not feel that way around sex. I want to not be so anti pmo that it carries over into a negative view on all sex. I think my religious upbringing and my previous attempts to quit have all set me up to have negative feeling around sex.
  13. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Seebs,
    Interesting questions.
    The interaction between shame and PMO makes for a toxic mix that gets addictive...
    That then leads to the feeling that all sex is negative...
    Abstaining (rebooting) I reckon is a great way to get back to some break even point from where we can move to healthy sexual experience. Rewiring...
    After 15 months of no PMO I am slowly letting sexuality back in my life. And I take it slowly as I know the pitfalls and how lost I can get in it all...

    Stick to the no PMO, the rest will sort itself out (-:
  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Bobjes has said it succinctly and well. It's easy to over think all this stuff. Get shit done around your house as you stay the course of no pmo. After a time the questions you have will answer themselves. The further we get away from PMO it's like a blanket falls away and we truly begin to see with the eyes we were born with.

    Great job so far!
  15. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Bobjes I think you are right about everything sorting itself out.

    I know from past experience the first few days/weeks sort of feel like they are taking forever. I have a tracker app that I use and each morning when I “check in” my initial thought is, “How is it only day [insert day], it feels much longer than that.

    Yesterday was pretty good during the day. Work was incredibly busy and the routine of being busy all day keeps me occupied. Idle hands and all that... I do have this feeling, its an urge really. I think I feel numb or maybe its a low level anxiety. I realize that PMO makes me feel alive. At least it does before I’m done and the shame sets in. That high that I get from the ritual is what I crave. I believe that as more time passes that numbness will subside, but I’m looking for other things to fill that space or may just sitting with the negative feelings instead of running away.

    I found myself browsing my instagram feed and finding pictures that are not pornographic, but definitely I would not want anyone to see me looking at. The crazy thing about the numbness is the pictures didn’t get me excited. I think there is a part of me that fears being broken and so sometimes I just want to test myself to make sure everything still works. I know that is just a justification to PMO, but dang it, it feels real.

    I don’t know how many people read this stuff that I write, but it has been helpful just to get the thoughts out of my head. I appreciate the replies and have gleaned some good stuff that has really made me think.

    In the past I have hated my behaviors so much that turned into hatred of myself. I think that is the nature of shame. Guilt over what I’ve done turned into shame over who I am. My goal this time, besides no PMO, is to love myself through the process and honestly that seems the harder thing to do.
  16. Mad Dog

    Mad Dog Well-Known Member

    Seebs75....... Just get back to no Pmo, everything else will be ok and to your satisfaction. Please don't worry about loving yourself, when that pmo crap is gone you will find I am sure, that you see more positive about yourself than you ever dreamed possible. No pmo is not easy but you proved already that you can do it. Like Saville said, you are a lot younger than a lot of us you have much to look forward to in life. Go get em bro !
  17. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Thanks Bobo.
  18. seebs75

    seebs75 Member

    Just about to finish 6 Days with no pmo. Had an interesting experience last night and then again today. I did something stupid and my wife said something to me about it and I lashed out against her. Got very angry and had a hard time calming down and not feeling it. My anger towards her looks like being an asshole or blaming her. She has the good sense to just leave me alone (a reminder that I’m not fun to be around at that point). After a couple hours I realized was ashamed by the original stupid thing I did. When she called me on it, I descended into this shame spiral. I talked to her about it and she agreed it seemed like a shame thing. Then today, my kids broke something expensive and I got upset with them. I was a jerk to the point I had to go back and apologize. The thing to realize is that these reactions are not me normally. I will get short with my kids and spouse, but I realized after both incidents how ashamed I felt.
    It feels like with no pmo I’m maybe feeling things more than normal. My go to way of soothing myself is gone. I assume this is normal, but just want it to pass.

    In another area of life, I realize it’s been a couple of weeks since I have had sex with my wife. It’s been a week since my last pmo so no orgasm in that time. My coital frequency had dropped to once, maybe twice a month. This was mostly due to a combination of being tired all the time, out of shape and being afraid of ED or delayed O. I was always self conscious of my performance issues and that plus the pmo caused me to avoid being sexual with my wife. On one hand, I’m glad right now that my wife isn’t expecting sex to happen more frequently. I think it helps me to go some time without any orgasm. On the other hand I know we will probably have sex this weekend. This excites me and causes me anxiety. I can still get an erection with her, but have a hard time sustaining it with intercourse. Our pattern has been for me to finish myself. Sometimes I could, other times I couldn’t. I’m worried about that. Should I try? I don’t really want to MO at all right now, even in the context of sex with her. In the future I’d be ok with it some. On of the things if you MO as much as me, you end up requiring more and more stimulation to finish. I don’t know how much of that is related to P and how much the MO. I do know it’s been hard for my wife to provide enough stimulation for me to finish and I want that to change. I’m kind of at a loss. Maybe I’m overthinking it. Any advice?
  19. Oneway

    Oneway Active Member

    Hi seebs. Mood swings (even extreme) are normal during the first weeks (even months) of the reboot process.

    Pmo is like a blanket which suffocates feelings. At least for me it makes everything gray. No highs or lows. Then when I go some time without it, those suffocated feelings begin to emerge with force. First I may feel like the king of the world and then like there is no point in my life the next moment. My experience is that it will smoothen out in time. We begin to more and more feel healthy feelings without extremes.
  20. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    Hey Seebs,

    You are feeling again! The soothing is gone and all the feelings that you covered up by soothing will come and show themselves to you...
    The good and the bad they will bot h be there. I went through a rollercoaster of feelings at times and kinda had to relearn on how to deal with anger and fear and shame and being happy and bored etc. all over again. Some type of meditation or mindfulness practice is a good help with this. Going for walks, praying, deliberately slowing down, whatever works for you... I am affraid there is no bypassing this... If you read the journals on here you will see most people going through a similar process.

    In short, yes you are overthinking. (So am I by the way, still!)
    I want it to be another way than what it is my sex life. In other words I am fighting with reality!
    On the other hand I have learned to trust that it is what it is when I have sex with M. S
    Sometimes I do not get a hard on or cannot keep it. Usually when there is something unresolved between us (my dick is passive aggressive, lol).
    Then it goes nowhere...
    Sometimes I prematurely ejaculate. When I am overstimulated or feel tired.
    And every once in a while I am a sex god.
    It is all good really, I kinda never know which it is going to be. It frustrates me, it scares me but it is what it is. I am learning to go with the flow more and more.

    Try not to overthink and be open to whatever it is that comes when you spend time with the missus. (-:

Share This Page