Just found out my BF is addicted to porn.. and possibly bi?

Discussion in 'Women' started by blueflower1312, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. blueflower1312

    blueflower1312 New Member

    My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for almost two years. There was a span of time when we hadn't seen each other in over a year and it was beginning to take a toll. We almost called it quits, but after a few days of thinking decided to try harder to make it work. We eventually saw each other in August of 2013 after the year long wait. It was only for a weekend but we had the best sex the entire time. Multiple times per day too. After that visit, he decided to come visit in November of 2013 for a little over a week and when he came it was just like when I saw him in August. Sex all the time, sometimes multiple times per day. Now here we are, January 2014 and I'm back visiting him in his hometown. Things are going great, we're having sex like usual but not multiple times per day. But at least once per day. On the very last day of my visit, he has to leave me home while he goes to work and while I was at his place I started to search his e-mails. Not exactly sure what I'd find but praying there would be nothing. I know this is incredibly wrong and this is no excuse, but being in a LDR is probably one of the toughest things ever. Only have electronic communication with you partner can be horrible. I snooped and stumbled upon something I never thought I'd find.

    My boyfriend had been answering multiple ads on Craigslist for sex dating back to January of last year. They stretch out a few months in between. 3 in January, 1 in February, 1 in April, 2 in August, 1 in September, and 2 in November. Some looking for one night stands and one looking for possibly a relationship. He would answer them with a photograph of himself and stating that he was interested in meeting up if they were. Now this isn't even the most shocking part. I found 3 out of the 10 ads he answered were men looking for other men to hook up with. And one of them was a transvestite looking for a man for one night of "discreet sex." 6 of them were ads he answered from women and then there was one from a male and female couple looking for a male. Two of the e-mails progressed further than him just sending a picture and not getting a reply. Both were from males looking for another male. He sent them a picture of his dick, face and chest. And then one of them he sent a picture of him in a thong. But after that, the e-mails stop.

    So now I'm here, sick to my stomach. Shocked because I couldn't believe what I was reading. I found all of this on the very last day of my visit. When he returned home from work, I couldn't even look him in the eye. I couldn't even let him touch me without getting a little sick. By then he knew something was wrong and he started asking questions. I wasn't able to tell him until later that night and he told me he figured I had found them. At first he got very angry and said he didn't want to talk to me because I went behind his back and betrayed his trust and drew conclusions about him without even talking to him first.. or knowing the problems he may have. But after a minute he started talking again and I could tell he just needed it off his chest. Mind you, this is the first time I've ever heard him cry and look so crushed.

    He told me that he wasn't truthful about his previous relationship. The one that I knew went on for 4+ years with a woman from back in his old hometown. He told me that he actually didn't have a girlfriend back home, but he met a girl online and they started a long distance relationship for 6 years. Never meeting each other but just exchanging e-mails. This lasted from the ages 18 - 24 and he said during that time he dropped out of HS and completely dedicated himself to their online relationship. In the process, he believes he became addicted to porn and became depressed. He isolated himself and spent hours on the computer. He says the porn and depression started around his early 20's. He says he is no longer depressed but the porn addiction is still there. He says that he thinks he is so addicted to porn, that sometimes normal (meaning heterosexual porn to him) doesn't do the trick, he'll sometimes have to look at bondage and even gay porn just to get off. Most of the time he'll be right back at it within another hour, but this time it's harder for him to ejaculate so he has to go deeper into territories that he normally wouldn't. This has led him to some nights even seeking quick relief, which is what he says he is looking for when he answers the ads. He says he has never ever gone through with any of them, and I do believe him. I've never heard him so devastated before and it's tearing me up because I don't know what to do. He swears up and down that he isn't gay and he confessed that he met face to face with 2 guys before he met me and couldn't go through with either of them and when he didn't he feels a huge sigh of relief, as if he "dodged another bullet." He says that the thought of kissing another guy is disgusting to him but when he gets into this spiral with the porn, he finds himself deeper in forbidden territory. He has also stated that when he is with me, all of the urges go away completely but since we are in a LDR, I am not able to be with him as much as I'd like. We don't have a set end date in mind and I don't know if I can go on, knowing that he might be answering more ads... and what if he goes as far as actually meeting them this time.

    Could his addiction to porn addiction trigger him to fantasize about having sex with men even though he says the thought of ever being with a man disgusts him?

    Also, he has never gotten soft while we had sex. The only time he ever has trouble ejaculating is when we use a condom. He also has no trouble getting hard when we start. In fact, it takes him no time to get hard.
     
  2. Day Lawd, Child. Run.
     
  3. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    I sometimes wonder, what's the point of having these kind of relationships?

    What's so special about him that you're willing to have a long distance relationship where the two of you only see each other 2-3 times per year?

    I just don't understand. It boggles my mind.

    Anyway, your boyfriend is a porn addict who most likely have had sexual encounters through craiglists and other sites. This is extremely common. It happens all the time.

    And this doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

    It's a very complicated situation.

    Unfortunately, trust is an extremely important part of a relationship. If the trust is gone, the relationships is gone.
     
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    This is a tough one. He's definitely got the addiction. The question here is whether this relationship is valuable enough to work to preserve, or should you cut your losses. If he agrees to a reboot it's going to take time before he breaks free.

    Be careful and keep in mind your own value.
     
  5. larivere

    larivere New Member

    The answer is YES... the escalating cost of porn means the currency of the prurient goes up. The more he is addicted... the more outrageous and depraved the viewing has to be... as it is the only thing that feeds the mind drug.

    Is this curable... yes it is. But only if he has to change. He has to see it as the enemy of his life, or it will ruin him. This isn't some harmless entertainment... this will adversely affect relationships, friendships, his state of mind, sexual identity, etc.

    It is true that escalating pornography addiction leads to same sex, bi-sex... all kinds of depraved sexual viewing. No it is not true that he has to be gay to be involved in it. Yes, it is true that this can and will eventually lead to ED and other problems such as depression, self-hatred, etc. if he doesn't take charge. If you are going to move closer to each other great... if not... he will not be able to solve this problem and stay in the relationship. Undoubtedly part of the problem is that he is lonely... and a LD relationship isn't that much different than an imaginary one. Man is not meant to be alone.

    But you are very kind to be brave enough and care enough to confront... because that is the best way for him to get better.
     
  6. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    And the fact that you have followed his discourse with the CL ads gives you a pretty good insight on whether you think he actually followed up or if it was just playing with fire at a late hour desperation. Neither are cool but naturally there is a difference.

    I wouldn't take it for sure that he has actually seen other people like the other posters suggest. You have better tools to gauge that having been there when he was opening up. On the other hand it wouldn't be a surprise if he had done more than he admits on the 1st post.

    So read here, read on mybrainonporn.com, check the Ted video "great porn experiment" and have him do the same.

    Its up to him to rebuild the trust. On the other hand it can be a huge weight off him to know beating the addiction can be done and has been done by others.

    for you: understand that this has nothing to do with the way you are - its extremely unlikely that he is into men either. Its an escalation of seeking novelty - the addiction can do this.
     
  7. confusedwife

    confusedwife New Member

    Blueflower1312, I totally feel your pain. It is a big shock to discover this. Yes he is addicted to p. Do you want to have a lDr with a man when he has this addiction? It is hard enough to try to beat if you are married believe me!
    I would really urge you to think about why you are satisfied with a lDr.

    h once told me when he was drunk that he had had sex with a man. I cried. He then said he had been joking.. What kind of person says that as a joke? Obviously I see now it was not a joke, I think he had done webcam with a man. He has not admitted this, I have just had to piece it together from what is have found out. All I do know is that what h told me at first was the tip of the ice berg, he cried and promised that was all and that he wanted to change... Then I find more, he cried, promised that was everything, promised he wanted to change and then... I find more, he cried, ....you get it? Even a man who committed only in august by getting married (so surely feels he loves me to some extent) cannot be honest to me or himself, and I have had seven long weeks of this shit. If you can get out now while there are no kids and no house or parents in law then I would urge you to do this ... Because you are not tied to this man .. I think you would be in for an infinite amount of heartbreak because you do not see him enough to build up the emotional and physical connection that you need to help beat this. I wish I could be more positive but to my mind you are lucky because you are not married to him.
     

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