Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Yeah You Do You Are Kinda Weak.
  2. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 73

    The prostitute I posted about has left town. I'll probably never see her again.
    Relapsed twice.
    I need to get my head on straight.

    I am an addict.
    I'm an addict.
    I'm a fucking addict.

    Outwardly, I'm doing well.
    I have hobbies. I exercise.
    I'm doing what I need to be doing.

    How did I end up like this?

    What do I need to do differently this time?
    My current system is working but not well enough.
    I have to stop seeing prostitutes.
    It's the same as porn.
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 74

    Went to see another one last night.
    Doing ok otherwise.

    I'm not reading as much as I used to.
    Haven't gone through my weekly review as well.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 75

    Woke myself up early today.
    Room is cold, which makes getting out of bed hard.
    I should reframe, cold room is good exercise in discipline and it helps you stay awake.

    You can't have it all.
    If you don't look, you save yourself the agony of making the choice.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 76

    Doing good.
    Didn't train yesterday, but read and was good about restricting internet usage.

    Finished Chapterhouse: Dune.
    Most of the Dune series is Frank Herbert talking about the world through his characters.
    A lot of good shit and a lot of weird shit.

    Been listening to Sherlock Holmes on audio.
    I've read all the stories many times over, but listening to it is different.
    There are things you miss.
    I never appreciated the imagination and attention to detail before.

    Throughout my life I've always listened.
    I placed less stock on my own thoughts—and consequently didn't think as much as I should have.
    Maybe it's a symptom of the modern condition.
    You don't have to think, you don't have to remember; everything's a google search away.

    My first instinct after consuming something is to see what other people thought.
    I need to stop.
    After I finish something, I should think about it alone.
    Draw my own conclusions, then compare.
    Avoid having other people's perceptions colour yours.

    It's a small choice.
    Yes or no.
    It's easy to say yes.
    It's easy to say no.
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2017
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 77
    Traveling so this will be short.

    MO yesterday.
    I think allowing MO is the way to go - once or twice a week is fine.
    I need to work on my tendancy to PE as well.
    MO'd without any porn or peeking, which is progress.
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 78

    Still traveling.
    Relapsed yesterday. Short.
    My fault, used phone at night.
    Didn't respect my limits.

    Need to work on PE.
    Most of my sessions are short (less than five minutes - might be why I don't have PEID) which has trained me not to last very long.
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 79

    Still traveling.
    Peeked today.
    Been thinking about my goals.
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 80

    Got home last night.

    Got a bunch of shit I want to write about.

    Finished The Unbearable Lightness of Being.
    Another very preachy book—a lot like Dune—and heavy on the sex scenes.
    The main idea (I felt) was that you don't get multiple lives, you can't compare your decisions over several lives.
    Several nice passages about various aspects of life.

    Finished listening to The Butterfly Effect.
    It's an audible series about free porn and its effects on our lives.
    Several things really stood out to me:
    1. The complete lack of shame.
      In one of the episodes, there's this camgirl who shot a video in her daughter's bed, her daughter found out, and (understandably) got pissed.
      The lady sounded sorry about the fact that her daughter found out, but had zero shame about shooting a porno in her DAUGHTER'S BED.

    2. The shitty sex offender system.
      Some kid sent inappropriate pictures (hentai) to a girl in his highschool, and got put a sex offender list.
      When he described his life you could feel the helplessness. Imagine being in his position and falling into the same rut.
      Video games, porn, shitty jobs, and suddenly you're 30.

    3. I felt a little jealous hearing about theses male pornstars, they're in their 30's and 40's and have shot thousands of scenes. Sex must come so easily to them.
      Is it good for them? Are they happy?
      Should I really be jealous of these guys? What are they doing with their lives?

    4. Performers watching porn on set to get hard—porn addiction is real.
      These guys have to watch videos to get it up, when they have the actual women who star in those videos standing in front of them.

    5. Teen pregnancies on the decline, high school sex falling, ED going up by factor of a 1000.
      Gary Wilson (from YBOP) suggesting that maybe, maybe, the main thing that has changed in the past 10 years (tube porn) is responsible for it? Duh.

    6. Judgement.
      When I was a kid, it was easy to judge: you're watching a movie and someone cheats. He shouldn't have, you say, how could he be so weak? Doesn't he know it's wrong?
      If I'd heard about the Ashley Madison leak, I'd have had little sympathy.
      But now, am I so different?
  10. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 81

    Went training yesterday.
    Got a minor injury, a nuisance hopefully won't effect anything too badly.

    Woke up same time I normally do today (6:30ish), but didn't do my normal morning activity because of the injury.
    Went back to bed after a while and woke up at 12:00pm...
    Not sure why I slept so late (maybe my body knows I don't have to wake up for anything?).

    Been reading "Close Quarters" by Larry Heinemann.

    Need to think about my goals and boundaries and then lay them out clearly.
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 82

    Days Clean: 1

    Relapsed yesterday: that makes 7 this month.

    Some changes:
    1. I'm counting days again.
      Just a simple counter, to give a sense of progress.

    2. Start noting urges in the form suggested by Charles Duhigg:
      1. What time is it?
      2. Where are you?
      3. Who else is around?
      4. What did you just do?
      5. What emotion are you feeling?

    3. Peeks have to be noted here (type of site and duration).

    4. I'm adding a fourth rule:
      #4 - Before opening laptop, write down in your notebook exactly why you're opening it (being bored is not an acceptable reason).

    Need to clarify the walls concept:
    1. Define the "wall" (no arousing material).
    2. Define the grey areas (things you do when approaching the "wall")—e.g., laptop at night/alone.
    3. AVOID the grey areas.
    I haven't been avoiding the grey areas well this past few weeks.
    Some things I've been doing wrong:
    • Browsing escort sites (escorts are porn).
    • Browsing/reading informational material about sex (you know where that's going).
    • Not respecting the blocks in place—e.g. freedom.
      You put those blocks up for a reason.

    Didn't sleep too well last night; woke up in the middle of night for no reason.
    Woke up at 6:05 am today, but didn't get out of bed until 6:20 am.

    I've been waiting, waiting to become a man.
    Realise: you are one.
    You're an adult. The excuse of youth is not yours.

    Be unashamedly ambitious.
    What's wrong with wanting to do great things?
    Decide what you want. Then get after it.
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2017
  12. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 83

    Days clean: 2

    I have a slight headache today.
    I'm not going accept the migraine excuse; if it gets bad, I'll take painkillers.
    Might be worth writing out all the excuses and justifications I come up with.

    Haven't had urges lately.
    Had someone message me about an escort who was working today.
    Didn't cross my mind until he messaged me. Should have blocked him.

    I've been forgetting to write things down in my laptop before I open it. Going to start leaving my notebook on top of my laptop.
    Been playing/watching more videogames that I would like.

    Almost finished Close Quarters.
    Reading about war makes you think:
    You aren't special.
    All these people fought and died.
    Struggled for life and failed.

    You're more similar than you are different.
    All your emotions? Someone's felt the same.
    All your struggles? Someone's been through worse.
    You follow the same patterns everyone does; the same patterns that have been repeating throughout human history.
  13. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 84

    Days clean: 1

    Relapsed yesterday.
    Combination of migraine and the temptation from Friday's message.
    Didn't see an escort. Fuck that shit.
    I blocked the pimp as well.

    I'm not sure what to do about migraines.
    Masturbation has helped me, and other people as well. The problem is that it's difficult to get off on demand, with imagination alone.
    Panadol doesn't help much. It just takes the edge off a little.
    Maybe the key is to not have migraines?

    Finished Close Quarters.

    Re-opened In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, which I've mentioned before.
    The last few chapters I've read have been talked about the why. The void we're trying to fill with addiction.
    Lack of belonging, disconnectedness, abuse, trauma, etc.
    Similar message to Sebastian Junger's Tribe.

    That message resonates with me a lot.
    I feel dulled.
    I don't remember the last time I was really, really excited for something.
    I like things, and dislike things, but they're aren't strong visceral feelings. Just mild feedback.
    Stop existing.
    Go out and live.
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2017
  14. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 85

    Days clean: 2

    No urges yesterday, but need to start carrying a notebook around for when I do get urges.
    Travelling tonight.
    Not sure if I'll bring my laptop; if I don't then my posts will be short.

    Got woken up today.
    Sleeping decently, but not great.
    Might try taping my mouth shut again.

    Still reading In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.

    Avoid low effort content.
    That covers most of the content in the world.

    Listening to audio books has helped me appreciate the power of language.
    The effect words can have, on myself and others.

    Haven't been exercising much over the last few days.
    I need to take up some kind of cardio exercise.
    Lifting doesn't gives me the same meditative feel.
    Last edited: Aug 20, 2017
  15. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 86
    Days clean: 3

    Travelling. No internet.
    I could buy a pass, but I don't think I need to.
    It's good practice anyhow.

    Reading War and Peace.
    Good so far. Don't know why people say it's dry.

    Some urges, but nothing crazy.
    Haven't been noting them down, despite my commitment to doing so.

    Might start keeping another separate journal (paper)
    My hand writing is terrible though.

    As time goes on the urges get stronger.

    Finished In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
    A good thought: The urge will get weaker. Every time you fight it and win, it gets weaker.
    Had a good chapter about dealing with urges.
    Still talks about avoiding triggers, which is, of course, huge.

    There's this chapter in War and Peace where this rich old man is dying, and you have to think: what's all that money good for in the end?
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 87

    Days clean: 4

    Haven't used the internet in 2.5 days. Don't really miss it.
    Still reading War and Peace.

    No significant urges thus far.

    Sleeping early and waking up early(ish).
    Not sleeping very well—still waking up in the middle of the night.

    Strikes me how much of human life is spent rediscovering and teaching the same things over and over again.
    All the people you meet in War and Peace are similar people to the people you meet now.

    The names might be different, but the emotions and personalities are the same.

    Need to improve my handwriting—I can barely read it at the the best of times.
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 87

    Days clean: 5

    Getting urges again.
    Really feel like going to visit someone.
    A lot of tail on the beach. Feel like I might be staring.

    Still reading War and Peace.
    Some good shit, but haven't been taking notes for whatever reason (lazy).

    Everything I feel, it seems someone has felt or thought or written.

    Urges are really strong now.
    Urges aren't for porn though—which is a good sign.
    Is porn the main enemy?
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2017
  18. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 88

    Days clean: 6

    Crazy, crazy urges last night.
    Couldn't sleep.
    If I was living by myself, I might have gone out and visited someone.
    Went out and walked, walked, and walked until the urges went. Started raining and I got soaked on the way back.

    Got internet on the way back, and immediately visited an escort site...not good.
    I'm at serious risk of relapsing right now.

    I shouldn't be using my laptop so late at night.
  19. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 89

    Days clean: 0

    Relapsed twice.
    And visited an escort.

    Escort was a good time.
    She asked me to come back later, for free...

    I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.
    This journal is a record of what a fucking mess I am.
  20. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    I need to cut down on my tech usage significantly.

    At the moment I use my laptop for 15-3o hours and my phone for about 5-10 hours, each week.
    There are 168 hours in a week.
    If I sleep 8 hours every day, that leaves (168 - 56) = 112 hours.
    That means on bad weeks I spend close to 1/3 of my waking time on a screen.

    If I want to change I need to do something different.
    What I'm doing now isn't working.
    It's just not working.
    I can't argue that this time, it'll be different.
    I've been keeping a daily journal for last 89 days, and you can see that it's not working.

    What do I need to differently?
    What can I do differently?

    You can't quit the internet in today's society and function.
    If I really, really, wanted to stop—say if I was going to die if I didn't stop, then I would quit the internet.
    I'd go live in some wilderness somewhere, far away from it all.

    Maybe I should quit the internet certain days of the week?
    I've already stopped using it after certain times, but it's not enough.

    I don't respect my own boundaries.
    It's so easy to turn of freedom now.
    I know how to turn it off on my phone and my laptop.
    In the beginning it was difficult.
    I would never turn it off on my phone, and it was difficult to do it on my laptop.
    Nowadays I can do it without blinking.
    Each time you pass over the wall, it gets weaker, weaker.

    Decide what your boundaries are.
    Then respect them. If you don't they won't be boundaries at all.

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