Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 427
    Monday, 6:35 PM
    August Total: (01/06)

    Almost forgot to journal.
    Just moved, and fell out of routine a bit.

    Didn't meditate either, but I'll do that after this.

    Just finished reading The Crossing.
    I'm starting to become a big fan of Cormac McCarthy.

    I'm not really sure what else I'm going to be doing differently.
    I have the TGC CBT course on tape, might give that a listen.

    When I get back to university, I'm gonna seek counselling.
    Apart from that, I'm doing alright.

    To glory.
  2. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 429
    Wednesday, 7:19 PM
    August Total: (01/08)

    Doing good.
    Missed one day of meditation.

    I'm finding it difficult to journal because of the time constraint—I'm not often on my laptop in the early morning, and then I have work, and then I'm out.
    I'm thinking of switching to a paper journal actually, which has pluses and minuses.

    I'm very afraid of someone reading my journal, because of physical insecurity, and my handwriting is horrible.
    On the other hand, the physical nature of writing might be better for me, and if I live by myself the risk is minimal.

    I rarely re-read my own journal.
    I find most of the benefit comes from writing down what happened, as opposed to anything else.
    Need to start taking notes on books again.
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 430
    Thursday, 2:37 PM
    August Total: (02/09)

    Relapsed last night, was using my laptop.
    Need to put it away before bedtime.
    Yeah, not much else to say.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 530
    Saturday, 12:22 PM
    November Total: (??/17)

    I'm back I guess.
    I forgot my password, and the reset form didn't work.

    I kinda forgot about it, and today decided to try it on a whim.
    It worked. Here am I.

    I've been doing alright.
    October/September wasn't a good month for me.
    I acted out a lot. Wasted a fair amount of money as well.

    November has been better. I've PMO'd a few times.
    Visited a parlour once (yesterday), but I don't feel too badly about that.

    I need to journal, I think.
    Morning and evening.

    Paper might be better than this and I think I will switch. Wanted to leave here on my own terms though—not because I forgot the password.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 531
    Sunday, 2:27 PM
    November Total: (??/18)

    Was reading Why we sleep. Had some interesting stuff about being more likely to relapse when you're sleep deprived.

    When I feel the worst, at my most neurotic, it's when I'm using my computer a lot. Especially at night.
    That's also when I'm most likely to relapse.

    I've been having problems with sugar lately. Snacking like a motherfucker.
    Need to control that as well.

    It took me a long time to sleep last night. I was up thinking about missed opportunities.
    Things I've done wrong. Things I should fix.
    What is done is done and cannot be undone.

    I've also been listening to The Godfather on tape. Great book.
    There's a line: “It was from this experience came his oft-repeated belief that every man has but one destiny.”

    In all I have done, in all I will do. Was it not written?
    In the end it matters not.
    “He said that whether a man's life was writ in a book someplace or whether it took its form day by day was one and the same for it had but one reality and that was the living of it.”
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    What: PMO
    Length: 10 mins?
    Time: ~1600
    Where: Dorm Room
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Listening to audiobook
    Emotion: slightly bored?​
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 534
    Wednesday, 7:02 PM
    November Total: (??/21)

    Went out on Tuesday.
    For some stupid reason decided to drink (I never drink). Got a bit drunk.
    Didn't enjoy it at all. Fuck drinking. I won't do it again.
    Came home and relapsed.

    Just visited a massage parlour (again). Wasn't as good as before.
    I don't know how many times I've said this...but I really need to stop. Now.

    I'm ashamed of myself. I'm going to go for counseling again.
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 546
    Friday, 11:23 PM
    November Total: (??/23)

    Doing good over the last few days. Have been training & am feeling well.
    Only thing I'm a little behind on is my studies.

    Had an urge to peek today (and kinda did), but shut it off. One thing that bothers me slightly is that in my gym there are pictures that would be borderline NSFW.
    It's a little annoying, but that is life.
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 548
    Sunday, 11:13 PM
    November Total: (??/25)

    I'm not doing well at the moment.
    Pissed away the weekend. Just browsing reddit, wasting time and watching porn.
    Relapsed maybe 3-4 times. Not great.
    I'm feeling the sugar addiction as well. It started when I moved here, and I didn't know what to eat, and so ate a bunch of sugary shit.
    I'm feeling kinda shit about it. I need to do a fast I think. Get used to being hungry, get used to not eating sugar 24/7.

    Wasting money there as well.

    Reddit is toxic to me. I disable my blocks sometimes, to check fights basically.
    Event that is too much. I really don't think I can be trusted around social media.
    Anytime I do, it's basically watching a man hang himself...slowly.

    I've learned a lot from reddit (it's how I ended up here in the first place!)
    But books are better. Long form media is better.
    Reddit is a death by a thousand cuts.

    I'm falling behind on things now. I can feel it.
    When exams come, it's gonna be stressful.

    I need to pull myself together. Get back on track and get my head back in the game.

    I haven't been feeling motivated to train either. It's just the long conditioned habits that are keeping in there.
    I feel like I'm slowly going insane.
    I don't feel social. I don't feel like I care about talking to people.

    I just need to STOP.
    Turn off my computer. Breath. Read something.
    I'm going to do that now.
  10. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 549
    Monday, 10:48 AM
    November Total: (?/26)

    Feeling a lot better this morning. I was feeling a little strange last night.
    Strange moods and strange thoughts.

    Slept pretty late I think (was listening to an audiobook and couldn't sleep).
    Woke up pretty late as well. Thankfully I don't have any classes in the morning, so it's all good.

    Apart from that, yeah. I just need to get stuff done.
    I've got some pre-lecture reading that I need to get done and some work on a presentation.
    I'm gonna go do that now.
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 564
    Tuesday, 11:23 PM
    December Total: (?/11)

    I haven't been doing well.
    Took a short weekend trip to visit some friends & to attend a wedding.
    Was good.
    Haven't been doing too well otherwise.

    I've been falling into the trap of browsing the internet late at night & relapsing.
    Been masturbating a lot. Haven't had much interest in girls, or anything similar.
    Too much porn will do that to you. On the plus side I haven't really had the urge to go visit escorts or anything lately.

    I'm seeing a therapist next Monday. I know that I mentioned this before, but it didn't come through (couldn't find the place).
    Hopefully this session will go through. Really hoping it will be helpful.

    Haven't been training (much). Haven't really been studying.
    I feel like I'm slowly going insane.
    I want to move forums. Maybe to NoFap or something.

    Want a fresh start or something.

    Someone stole my headphones. I left them in the common room and they've vanished.
    I'm pretty upset about that. They've been with me across 3 continents.

    I've relapsed a ton in the last couple weeks. Haven't been keeping track but probably every other day or every 3 days.
    I'm caught in this fucking endless loop. I need to break my wretched loop.

    I actually had my eyes on some nice headphones. They cost a fair amount, but waay less than all the money I've pissed away on hookers.
    It's strange now. Every time I think of spending money on a hooker, I think of the headphones.
    It kinda works.

    I guess that what having a vision means. That's the real issue I've got at the moment IMO.
    I don't have a vision. I don't have goal, I don't have something specific I'm working towards.
    I'm doing whatever the fuck I'm told to do. I'm not doing too badly, but I'm not excelling.
    I'm just pissing away my time doing whatever.

    The real issue with porn is the opportunity cost.
    Instead of reading books, I'm sitting there like a fucking monkey watching the magic box.
    Instead of socialising, I'm going back to my room to watch porn.

    I don't think I'll ever fall in love, and be "happy" in that sense. Nor do I particularly want it.
    I don't think I'm fully normal.
    I feel empathy for sure. I try to do the right thing.
    I don't hurt other people.

    But I don't feel guilty about all the fucked up shit I've done.
    Maybe I'm just numb. I don't feel much.
    I don't think I'm depressed. I do my shit (mostly).

    When I've competed I don't really feel good when I win, and I don't feel really bad about losing.
    It's all kinda the same.

    Why don't I care?

    Fuck it. Wake up tomorrow & do what needs to be done.
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2019
  12. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 566
    Thursday, 7:58 PM
    December Total: (?/13)

    I'm pretty close to visiting an FKK club.
    Actually, now that I'm writing it out, it feels a little silly.

    The urges will come back (probably), but there's nothing to be done there.
    Just ride it out.

    I'm going skiing tomorrow, so I should be busy over the weekend.
    Had an exam today. Didn't feel all that stressed. Maybe I should have been.

    I've got my therapist session on the Monday. Will be interesting to see how that goes.
    If it helps, then I'll be really kicking myself about what happened before.

    I will be returning my dress shoes tomorrow.
    I (probably) won't be using them at all.

    I need to do my future authoring. I'm still pretty pissed about the dickhead who stole my headphones.

    It is what it is.
  13. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey man, keep journaling. I do believe that it helps. Let me know how the therapist session goes, I've been thinking of doing that myself. I have reservations because I don't know how much help they can be. I also rather be sharing this information with someone that can relate to me (like you guys) rather than some therapist that has only book knowledge on this.
    Don't waste money on hookers man, get some new headphones haha
    Catharsis likes this.
  14. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 742
    Friday, 11:22 PM
    June Total: (03/07) + 1 H

    It's been a while...

    Looking back, I left on a bit of a sour note.
    I met a girl, and have been in a decent relationship (fwb) for the last couple months.
    Not exclusive, but I don't think that she's seeing anyone else.

    I'm not either.

    She's actually been really good for me. I've only been to escorts three times in the last 6 months.
    Two of them were before I met her (one was early in the initial stages). The reason I'm posting again is because I traveled.

    I've also been having a pretty decent social life over the last few months. Things were pretty good.

    Then I went home to see family.
    I just went to see a hooker.

    I didn't sleep with her. I did get a handjob.
    The whole thing must have taken 2 minutes.

    I left straight after.
    I don't feel like I betrayed anyone, but it felt like a shitty waste of time and money.

    This is not who I want to be.
  15. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Your messages hit deep man, I relate to them so much.

    " This is not who I want to be"

    I relate to that man, we don't want to be doing all of this non-sense but when we realize it, it's too late. It seems that your situation wasn't part of a routine but just something that happened..hopefully, you can bounce back from it. It is definitely such a waste of money.
    Catharsis likes this.
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Thanks for the kind words Cham.

    I don't use this website much, but I'm finding myself falling into old habits.

    I've been a lot more social this semester, but it has taken me away from my goals.
    I haven't been training, I've been waking up late, I haven't been working as hard as I should.

    But the reason I've been sleeping late is because I'm there laughing till it hurts.
    I've made some great memories.
    Life is a balance.

    The girl I met. I've been pushing her away, like I always do.
    This is the longest it's ever lasted. It can't last though.
    It has to end.

    It will be better for her. There are better men than me out there.
    I hope she finds one and I hope she will be happy. Happy until the end.

    I have to change who I am. What I am.
    This is poison inside me. It has to be rooted out and destroyed.

    I think it would surprise her very much if she found out what I am.
    I would be sorry if she did. She doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.
    She really does deserve better.
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    I haven't posted here in a long time.

    I am doing well. I have been journaling but privately.
    I find I am able to talk about things there that I would not be comfortable talking about here.

    If I can advise anyone who reads this to do one thing, I would recommend meditation.
    I have found it to be very helpful. I do 20 minutes first thing in the morning.

    As Joseph Goldstein said (I'm paraphrasing):
    "If you want to understand your mind, sit down and observe it".

    That's all you are doing.
    If you become aware of a thing, you have power over that thing.
    But first you must become aware.

    As said in Dune:
    "The mind commands the body and it obeys. The mind commands itself and meets resistance."

    Good luck to everyone on their journey.

    May you be happy.
    May you be free from suffering.
    May your hopes and dreams be realised.
    axebattler likes this.
  18. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 1095
    Thursday, 9:35 PM

    Damn, it's been a while since I started this journal.
    I've been doing better.
    I am much more at peace, I think. Much calmer.

    Still haven't managed to cut down porn entirely, but there is progress.
    I'm not as compulsive with things as I used to be.
    I haven't visited anyone in months. I did have some close calls.

    I did see a girl in my class, which I still feel a little badly about.
    I used her to satisfy my compulsion. I don't think she feels badly about it.

    I've been meditating a lot. 89 days straight.
    20 minutes first thing in the morning. No exceptions.

    It's slowly leaking in. You have more time to notice when things happen.
    More time to see things for what they are.
    It doesn't always work, but sometimes, it does.
    I think if I step up the practice, it may be helpful.

    The only thing I've learned is that you have to be gentle with yourself.
    You will only be happy when you are truly content with who you are.
    If you hate yourself you cannot accept yourself. I am not there yet, but I hope that one day I will be.

    Good luck to everyone.

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