Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Monday, 1:17 AM

    Hmm. I feel like relapsing.
    I'm quite close.
    Maybe I should just sleep—but I need to wake up at 2:30...

    I'm going to sleep.
  2. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 353
    Monday, 10:06 AM

    So I didn't relapse.
    I did sleep—although I didn't wake up at 2:30 am like I was supposed to.

    A small sacrifice really.

    I'm feeling pretty good so far.
    I've started to keep track of my alternative routines/coping mechanisms.

    So far I have:
    1. Journaling.
    2. Box breathing
    I'll try and come up with more as time passes, but those seem to be somewhat effective.
    We'll see how it goes.

    Essentially you have to recognise the cue.
    In my case the cue is a feeling that I should peek. The urge is generally to peek, not to PMO.
    At least so far. It's a different feeling from just thinking about PMO. There's this physical feeling that I should go and do this thing.

    Once I've recognised the cue, I need to pause. At the moment I'm doing this by writing down when and where I feel the cue.
    Once I've paused, then I need to do some other routine that satisfies the cue.
    I'm not super happy with my alternative routines, but we'll get better as we go on.

    The key to controlling relapses is to control the peeks. If you don't peek, you don't relapse.
    I've been tracking PMO's for close to 3-4 years now, but I never tracked peeks.
    An oversight on my part.
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 354
    Thursday, 9:45 AM

    So I relapsed twice.
    A bit silly honestly, but nothing crazy.

    Not too much to say, just that it happened at problem times.
    Using laptop at night and not being disciplined. I just need to keep making notes of when I slip up, and coping mechanisms and I'll beat this thing yet.
    Not too much else to say.

    Got one exam left.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 361
    Thursday, 1:31 AM

    Haven't been journaling much, but I did relapse in the last few days.
    Think 2-3 days in a row after my last exam. Then stopped for a good few days, then relapsed again.

    Need to journal more. It's a measure of progress.
    Something that keeps me focused.

    Keeping a notepad and writing the where/when/state/etc + coping mechanisms has been quite helpful.
    Not 100% done yet, but helpful.
    Staying up late to eat is fucking me over, but what can be done.

    I'm getting strong urges to visit...but they are just illusions.
    They pass after PMO/MO.

    Finished reading The Two Towers, and The Moviegoer.
    Almost finished Return of The King.
    LOTR series is fantastic, I can't believe that I never read them before.

    The Moviegoer was so-so. Some great parts and some parts that dragged a bit.
    Identified with the main character and the general sense of malaise. Some of the writing dragged on a bit.

    Think I just need to keep journaling (morning & night) and I need to keep noting down urges, and I think I will improve.
    Really feeling the urge to visit someone a lot. Thinking about it a lot.
    Anyway. Just need to put it out of mind.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 361
    Thursday, 8:28 PM

    Just finished watching Shame.
    As good as I remembered. Some triggers but IMO the context is enough to be able to get over it.

    That movie reminds me of myself so much.
    Brandon is lonely. That's what makes even worse.
    That's also how I feel. I isolate myself.
    Not for any reason in particular, but just because.
    He's also cold and distant from everyone. Pushing everyone away.

    Most of the time I feel fine.
    Sometimes I feel lonely, and that I need to spend time with people, but that passes.

    Why am I like this?
    I've never had any close, close friends. Not because I was social awkward or unable, it's just because I didn't really want them.
    Even now, when I spend to much time with people, I get bored. I get annoyed as well sometimes.
    That's just the way it is I suppose.

    I am who I am.
  6. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 362
    Friday, 10:17 AM

    Feeling good.
    I'm going to try doing a mobility routine every morning—we'll see how that works out.

    Beyond that not too much else going on.
    Still getting urges every morning as expected.
    The urge is still there in the background if I'm honest.

    Think I need to go downstairs and get out of my own head.

  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 364
    Sunday, 2:36 PM

    Feeling pretty good.
    Came pretty close to visiting a provider again, but didn't.

    Relapsed twice over the last couple days.
    Both times in the early morning (using laptop mindlessly).
    Apart from that, not doing too badly.

    Haven't been too faithful of writing down when I feel urges (mostly because I don't always have the notebook on me).
    Think at bare minimum I might just make a X on a notecard or piece of paper when I feel the urge.

    Getting into Wimhof breathing and stuff.
    Was reading What doesn't kill you, which is basically about him and his method.

    I need to start planning my life again.
    Deciding what I want to do and things.

    That's all for now.
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 365
    Monday, 10:39 AM

    Strong urges in the morning.
    As usual.
    Didn't peek—the key is to just to distract.
    Notice and distract.

    Holy shit, it's been one year since I started journaling.
    How much progress have I made?

    I'm not sure.
    I feel better than I did last year, for sure.
    I've done a lot more, and I'm a lot happier with where I am.

    I'm not sure how well I've done on the addiction front.
    I don't feel like I've been that successful, but hopefully I'm improving.
    Need to start planning out my day and setting goals again.
    That's all for now really.
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 367
    Wednesday, 12:19 PM

    Relapsed last night.
    Some peeking.
  10. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 370
    Saturday, 12:23 PM

    I feel good, but I've basically relapsed the last two nights (not counting last night).
    So yeah, not great.

    Apart from that doing well.
    I need to do Jordan Peterson's future/present planning.

    I also need to finish packing, and to get the heck outta dodge.
    Getting some urges to peek/visit (especially because it'll be my last chance to do it here), but so far have held strong.

    Was listing to a Joe Rogan podcast, and he mentioned the story of Bernard Hopkins.
    The guy went to prison and then decided that he was going to be disciplined and that he was going to stop fucking up his life.
    It's all a choice.

    I'm just rambling at this point.
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    I went to see providers.

    In this month. This sacred month.

    I really do not know what is wrong with me.

    I have no idea.

    Fuck me.
  12. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey man, I am very religious too, and PMO has been the BIGGEST temptation and weakness that I have. It has lead me to do things that I can never take back, things that God isn't proud of. What you have to understand is that when you are battling with addiction and compulsions, you are partially not in control of yourself. Your body wants do something but your mind wants something else, this internal battle means that you still have a conscience about the problem at hand. If you are struggling, this is a GOOD thing. Now the question is about how you can win this internal battle. Well, you need to strengthen the desires of your mind, and lessen the ones of the body. It's like me asking how do I want to lose weight, well, a bit part is to stop overfeeding. Stop feeding your urge, you must purge yourself. I recommend a digital detox for at least three weeks. Commit yourself to praying every morning and before going to bed. Be serious about fighting this. Really think about what you want in your life and where you want to go, and tell yourself that this is the moment for change.

    I have been struggling with porn for over 6 years now, and I have had up and downs, and when I followed the advice written above, I have done very well in the reboot. When I have strayed from those principles, I have failed and relapse. Good luck, and I'll be checking your progress.
    Catharsis likes this.
  13. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 389
    Thursday, 3:45 PM
    June Total: (13/28)

    Been a while since I posted.
    Visited a massage parlour once.

    Apart from that, and quite a lot of PMO I've been doing alright.
    So yeah, not great.

    Back on the wagon again I suppose.
  14. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 390
    Friday, 3:04 PM
    June Total: (13/29)

    Not too much going.
    Just need to keep off devices and stuff.

    Need to start working on things and writing out what I want to do each week.
  15. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 391
    Saturday, 12:05 PM
    June Total: (14/30)

    Relapsed last night.
    Around ~10:30pm.

    Peeked during the day as well.
    Slightly frustrated with some situations going on at home.

    Results coming out next week.
    Hopefully they're good.
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 403
    Thursday, 4:12 PM
    July Total: (6/12)

    I'm kinda fucked. Not doing too well.
    Been watching a lot of porn.
    Went to a massage parlour (again) and visited a hooker (just got back actually).

    Maybe I need something more extreme.
    I don't know.

    Anyway. Fuck it.
    Starting from tomorrow. Journal every day again.

    Oh and I turned 21.
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 404
    Friday, 7:48 AM
    July Total: (6/13)

    Journal everyday.

    That's step 1.

    Actually feeling pretty good nowadays.
    Need to cut reddit out of my life.
  18. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 405
    Saturday, 11:35 AM
    July Total: (6/14)

    Going to be travelling again in about a week.
    Feeling good, energised.

    I've got a lot of shit to do.
    I've been reading Why We Sleep by Matthew Walker.

    Haven't been getting too much exercise.
    Need to start exercising more.

    I'm just trying to sort out my life, and get organised.
  19. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 424
    Friday, 9:19 PM
    August Total: (1/03)

    Not doing great.
    Visited a hooker last night.
    Took an Uber to a dodgy part of town. Was not sure if it was safe or not.
    Stupid as fuck. Probably spent the better part of 5+ hours with her (she only charged me for the first hour—she liked me).

    Just relapsed.
    What: Porn
    Length: 20+ minutes
    Time: ~20:30 - 21:20
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Phone
    Emotion: Not sure​

    I need to get myself to stop.
    If I cannot wean myself from this, then I will be lost.
    A shadow amongst shadows, doomed to defeat.

    This habit is toxic. But I don't know how to stop.

    All that separates the man I could be and the man that I am is this habit.

    I need to journal more.

    I'm going to meditate every day for six weeks.
    Starting tomorrow.
  20. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 426
    Sunday, 10:52 AM
    August Total: (1/05)

    Was super busy yesterday (up at 6:00) and back at 10:00) so didn't have time to journal.

    Did meditate on the bus.
    I need to keep journaling. Since I stopped journaling everyday, I haven't really been making progress, and in a lot of ways I've been backsliding.

    I need to start taking notes on what I read as well. It's such a great tool for learning.
    Apart from that I feel pretty good with how I'm doing...

    That's all for now.

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