Day 333 Monday, 5:52 PM 30/04/2018 Still doing good. Peeked at an escort site just before this. Had a pretty hard exam today. I worked pretty hard for it, and was decently happy with how well I did. Seems I did better than some people and worse than others. Anyway, it's done. I'm mostly happy with my preparation. Not much more I could have done IMO. Only one topic that I didn't do because of lack of knowledge, and it was a pretty obscure part. Doing mostly good on the addiction front (apart from the peek). Yeah, not much else. Need to get off my devices because I'm getting tempted again, but yeah.
Day 334 Tuesday, 7:54 PM 01/05/2018 Peeked again in the evening. Have to get off devices basically. Wet dream last night. A bit annoying, but nothing crazy. Pretty intense actually—mixture of porn and reality. Dunno if that's a good thing or a bad. Anyway...that's all. Feeling slightly frustrated atm, like I wanna relapse or something.
Day 335 Wednesday, 12:45 PM 02/05/2018 Doing good. Had a bit of temptation last night but got over it. This mental image of a chimp is really quite good. Apart from that doing good. Been training in the morning, instead of the evening. Not as much as before but still... Got exams on the 9th and 10th. Just gotta work, work, work. Peeked a a bit while studying. It's a coping mechanism, a way of avoiding the mental stress. Need to ignore it and get over it. Anyway.
Day 336 Thursday, 10:12 AM 03/05/2018 Doing good. Some urges still, but nothing crazy. Some peeks yesterday as mention above. Had the urge to start at night as well, but decided to go to bed. Stayed up late last night, watching a movie and just talking with people. Had the urge to peek just now, but came here instead. I'm going to start carrying a notebook around and writing down when I have the urge to peek. I think this will build awareness—which is always the first step. It's strange how helpful journaling is. There are parts of what people experience that are similar. My experience will be unique to me, of course, but it will not be too different. Things that work for other people may well work for me, and things that work for me may well work for other people. Anyway. That's that.
Thursday, 8:07 PM 03/05/2018 So I just relapsed. Fuckk. A bit of a coincidence. I was on the way home, and wasn't sure of the best way home. Phone pointed me to a station. Didn't recognise the name. On the way to the station recognised the street—there was a strip club down the road... Being a dumbass, I went in and sat down. Left after 3 dances, but still. Came home and relapsed. Yep...
Day 337 Friday, 10:01 AM 04/05/2018 So relapsed twice last night. Feeling good otherwise. Went training in the morning, and came home a little let. I'm about to head off to uni in a bit. Anyway...not much else to say.
Day 338 Saturday, 10:23 AM 05/05/2018 Couldn't sleep last night. Relapsed at around 1:00 AM. A bit frustrating there...and I should have put my laptop away for the night. Not much else to say.
Day 339 Sunday, 9:06 AM 06/05/2018 Doing good. Went to sleep a little late last night, because I watched a movie with some people in my hall. Peeked a little this morning. Apart from that...doing alright.
Day 340 Monday, 7:13 PM 07/05/2018 Doing good. Peeked some. Actually relapsed x2 last night. Yeap. Gotta study.
Day 341 Tuesday, 10:38 AM 08/05/2018 Feeling decent. Woke up late today (~8:30). Woke up with my alarm earlier (~6:30) but went back to sleep after getting up and going to the bathroom. The mind is weak. Apart from that, doing well. Started listening to audiobooks before bed again. Still listening to The Chimp Paradox. Some good stuff there honestly. I just need to get into the habit of catching myself, and thinking that this is the emotional part of my brain (the "chimp") taking over. Need to build that habit. Exam tomorrow. Feel decently prepared, but not 100% ready. We'll see.
Day 342 Wednesday, 9:00 AM 09/05/2018 Peeked once yesterday. Had some urges late at night, because I couldn't sleep but overcame them by putting my laptop away (in a drawer) and just listening to audiobooks on my phone until I fell asleep. Been listening to The Fellowship of the Ring. I tried to read it ages ago, when I was ~13 or 14 years old. Didn't really like it then, but I'm getting into it now. The only thing that's annoying is that he sings the poems/songs. I'd much prefer if he read them out like poetry, but what can you do...
Day 346 Sunday, 10:18 AM 13/05/2018 Haven't been around in a while. Relapsed this morning. I relapsed on Thursday as well. Anyway. It's a bit frustrating. You can do things right for 95% of the time, but all it takes is one moment of weakness, and everything comes crashing down. I need to start paying more attention to the mental processes. Need to document and name all the different things that I do to convince myself to relapse. Then I need to figure out how to deal with each. Beyond that...not too much else happening. Ramadan soon. Fasting is going to be a pain here.
Day 347 Monday, 7:50 PM 14/05/2018 I went to see a hooker. Fuck me. Spur of the moment. I was just about to go home, and then the urge came over me. FFS I honestly didn't think about it. It was like I was in some sort of dream. I really don't know anymore. @Daa thank you for the kind words man. Always appreciated.
I don't know. I feel like I'm going in circles. Again and again. One year of this. I don't have time. None of us do. I need to think about this. Am I serious about stopping? Because if you're sitting here reading this journal, it doesn't look like I am. If I truly want to stop, then what do I need to do differently. This has happened over and over again. And there are no signs of it stopping. The best predictor of behaviour is past behaviour. I'll see y'all tomorrow. I need to journal more. I need to write more. I need to get it all out.
Day 348 Tuesday, 10:20 AM 15/05/2018 I'm going to have to read a lot of books after this. To try to figure stuff out. I've got an exam to study for though, so that should take priority. Anyway. I'm going to start journaling at night again. Pen on paper. Remind myself why I do this, and what I'm doing. I don't really read my old journals. But when I feel myself writing the same things over and over again...that's when I know that I'm caught it loop. That's when I know when I have to take action. My goals that are relevant to the topics here are: Long Term Goals Porn free No sex workers/escorts Good stable relationships Short Term Goals (Week 15/05/2018) No porn & no PMO No looking at escort sites Seems simple enough. To fix that I need the following: Avoid using devices after 9:00 pm If you have to use devices after 9:00 pm use them in public. If you aren't using the device—keep it out of sight. Journal daily (morning and evening). Looking is what leads to doing. If I look at escort site, I might go and I might not. If I never look, it's impossible for me to go.
Day 350 Thursday, 11:20 AM 17/05/2018 So I nearly relapsed yesterday. What saved me was writing down where/when/state/action/time of the urge. That's what took me out of it. I would probably have gone otherwise. That's something I've been missing when trying to fix the habit loop. There's a cue->routine->reward. I haven't been testing new routines. When I write down that I'm feeling a cue, I should then test a new routine. If I still feel the urge 10-15 minutes later, it means that the routine wasn't a good substitute. I need to keep that in mind. I finished The Fellowship of the Ring. First book I've finished in ages. I've tried to read it before, and I didn't really like it (at ~13 or ~14). This time I honestly loved it. Great book. I find it so strange that someone could dream and imagine so much. Anyway. That's all for now.
Day 351 Saturday, 2:09 PM 19/05/2018 So I relapsed last night. I made a really silly mistake on an exam paper and felt really, really bad. Had an urge to go visit a hooker. Didn't and came home and relapsed in the night. Felt better immediately afterwards. Was not in a good state at all. Have mostly gotten over it now. Anyway. What's done is done. Doing pretty good otherwise. This whole writing down when I get an urge is a really good coping mechanism. When I relapsed yesterday I didn't have my notebook on me, which I think was part of the reason that I did relapse. I've started noticing some patterns as well. One pattern is that I daydream/fantasize when I wake up. So I need to avoid lying in bed after waking up for excessive periods of time (a good practice anyway). If I do that then I'll avoid that habit pattern, or if I don't avoid it then at least minimise it's impact.
Day 352 Sunday, 10:45 AM 20/05/2018 Feeling better today. Just noting down when I get urges has been very helpful. It's also helped me differentiate between thoughts and urges. Urges make you move. They make you want to do the action. Thoughts are just thoughts, they don't move you to action. Maybe I'm not describing it very well, but there's a difference. As I start to recognise urges better, I can get better at describing the feeling that precedes them. It's sort of an impulse—a fire deep down inside, that makes me want to do it. Once I start to get better at recognising it I can start developing coping mechanisms. So far, even just writing things down has helped immensely. If I peek I will note it down and report it here. I've only really peeked once in the past week (what happened Friday evening), which is a big improvement. I definitely get the urge to peek every morning though. It's like clockwork. Strange how that works. Another time I get urges to peek is if I see attractive women. That might be a "duh" moment but it's true. Especially when I'm out walking and see something, then I get the urge. Guess that's a sign that I have problem, no?
