Day 291 Sunday, 12:54 PM 18/03/2018 Feeling pretty shit. Lost yesterday. Really should not have lost. The guys really didn't deserve to beat me. Relapsed last night as well. With porn proper (I've figured out how to disable k9). Relapse What: Porn Length: 10-15 minutes Time: ~11:50 Where: Bedroom Who's around: Alone Last action: Just got home Emotion: Tired? So yeah. Got some work to do, but apart from that. Hmm.
Day 293 Tuesday, 4:48 PM 20/03/2018 Relapsed again this morning. I feel like I'm slowly going downhill. Relapse What: Porn Length: 10 mins Time: 10:10 am Where: Bathroom Who's around: Alone Last action: Ate breakfast Emotion: Bored/horny I'm not sleeping right, I'm not waking up right. I really don't know. I need to wake up early. Maybe I should buy more alarm clocks or something, but I really need to wake up early. If I don't then whole day goes downhill. Sleep early and wake up early. Boom. Anyway.
Day 294 Wednesday, 10:06 AM 21/03/2018 Woke up early today. Trained early, then came home. Feeling good. Just keep keeping on.
Day 295 Thursday, 7:48 AM 22/03/2018 Feeling good now. Trained twice yesterday—morning and evening. Something good happened yesterday (not relationship related or anything), just something I'd been working towards for a while. Happy about that. Erm, I've got exams in a bit. Need to work, work, work. I'm also travelling next week, so I've got to pack and stuff. Anyway. Back to the salt mines.
Day 297 Saturday, 9:48 AM 24/03/2018 Doing good. Slept decently last night. Finished reading Colonel Roosevelt last night. Great book. What a crazy man. I'm going home on Monday. It's gonna be good. Anyway. I need to pack—and need to decide what to bring back and what to leave here. Anyway...
Day 300 Tuesday, 2:39 PM 27/03/2018 Landed this morning. Peeked a couple of times but nothing crazy. Listened to Man's Search for Meaning on the plane (and A Murder of Quality). Some very interesting things there. Some of the main points I took away were: You can always control your attitude. This is an idea repeated in stoicism as well. In many case the only thing you can control is how you react to an event. You need to have a goal/meaning/vision to be able to endure suffering. If you have a goal, a reason, you can endure. "It is a peculiarity of man that he can only live by looking to the future" Suffering with purpose. Suffer proudly. Suffer bravely. You will suffer, but if you can know why you suffer, then you can endure. Imagine someone looking down on you. They would expect you to suffer proudly. Not fighting certain compulsions/desires—using tricks (e.g. trying to be anxious, trying to stay awake, etc). The importance of mental strength. When people give up they die. When people stop shaving. When people start smoking their own cigarettes instead of trading them for food. That's when you know it's over. Crises—inmates giving up. Seeking of immediate pleasure. Happiness/success must happen. You don't make them happen (i.e focus on the process not the result). "For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue" Dying with dignity. Entering the gas chambers upright. "Emotion, which is suffering, ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it" "No one has the right to do wrong. Even if wrong has been done to them." “You are human beings like me, and as such you were free to commit a crime, to become guilty. Now, however, you are responsible for overcoming guilt by rising above it, by growing beyond yourselves,"
Tuesday, 10:46 PM 27/03/2018 So the post above was in the morning. Just didn't hit post, and it was just saved. I actually came back on here to because I relapsed... Relapse What: porn Length: 5-10 minutes Time: 22:00 Where: Bedroom/bathroom Who's around: Alone Last action: reddit Emotion: Bored Yeah not really much to say. Went on reddit for god know why. Yeap.
Day 301 Wednesday, 7:17 AM 28/03/2018 Almost a year since I started this journal. Is this going to be the progress I have made? Still struggling? How long must this continue? I have a lot of work to finish over this holiday. Start now and work. How does one devour a whale? One bite at a time.
Day 302 Thursday, 2:34 PM 29/03/2018 I relapsed last night. Had a migraine though, which honestly made it way more difficult. I'm not really making progress there. Trained last night. They doing things a little bit differently here. Climate's a bit different as well. I'm not working anywhere near as much as I should be. I'm behind in my schoolwork. Not super behind (less than a lot of people in my course) but not where I should be. If I want to score well then I definitely need to start working. I'm not really sure what to do with my evenings any more. Back in uni I trained almost everyday. 5-6 times a week. Now that I'm home, the nearest gym on trains 3 times a week. I don't know what I'm doing on the dating front. I haven't been putting myself out there, and now the year is almost over. I'm gonna have exams soon and then what? Go home, or find an internship somewhere. My parents want me to get married. I don't know about that. I don't think I'd ever fall in love with someone. I really, really doubt it. I feel like if I got married, neither of us would be happy. There would be problems. Many problems. And then what? Maybe I'll get lucky on that front. I feel like I missed so many opportunities over the last 2 years. If was really trying, then what could have happened? There is still time to fix things.
Day 304 Saturday, 8:56 AM 31/03/2018 Relapsed last night. I'm stressed as fuck. Exams in less than a month. Shouldn't be taking it out like this though. Might stop journaling until after exams.
Day 307 Tuesday, 11:37 PM 03/04/2018 I just relapsed again. I need to journal. I've been watching porn again. I think it's old habits. I'm in the room I grew up in. I just find myself doing it every night. Like fucking clockwork, just before I go to bed. Apart from that...not much else going on. Studying a lot. Didn't get much done today. Woke up around midday, and watched two movies. I should be studying, and I have been, but today I fell of the wagon a bit. Maybe even worse than porn...I've started to browse reddit as well. Reddit is honestly cancer. Dopamine central. Why can't I stop myself? I'm not stupid. I can figure this out. I can figure this out.
Day 308 Wednesday, 9:39 AM 04/04/2018 Back on it. Didn't wake up as early as I would have liked. Still, better than yesterday.
Day 328 Tuesday, 4:28 PM 24/04/2018 I haven't been doing well over the last couple days. PMO'd a bunch of times. Paid as well yesterday. Waste of time and money. I need to keep journaling, until I fix something. Just keeping a record is very helpful. I was improving before, but I feel like I haven't made progress in ages. Anyway. Here we go.
HeY man, It's really nice to see you here again. I pray for you to be empowered in the moments that no-one but you can help you. Just keep on. Wish you the best.
Day 329 Wednesday, 7:47 AM 25/04/2018 I've got a problem. 100% There's no two ways about this. I have a problem. The question is what can I do to fix it? I've been reading The Chimp Paradox. Similar message to some other books (emotional system and rational, etc), but some good strategies in the beginning. A good thought—you aren't responsible for your emotions, but you are responsible for managing the results of your emotions.
Relapsed. Relapse What: porn Length: 2-3 mins Time: 11:20 Where: bedroom Who's around: alone Last action: internet (reading articles) Emotion: mildly entertained Not much to say. Had 3-4 urges in a row, from when I woke up. Eventually gave in...
Day 330 Thursday, 9:44 AM 26/04/2018 Almost a year now. 35 days until I've been journaling for an entire year. Feeling pretty good today.
Day 331 Saturday, 8:06 AM 28/04/2018 Doing good. Small peek last night. Apart from that, eveything's alright. Honestly just need to use tech less. Still reading The Chimp Paradox. One of the points that he's making is that you have to be aware of when the "chimp" is taking over. To be able to control yourself the first step is awareness. One thing he recommends is is asking yourself "Do I want..." when you are inclined towards certain thoughts/actions. It's nothing crazy new, but it's good mental image. You just have to get into the habit of thinking "This is my chimp". The chimp is basically an image of the emotional centre of the brain. Some of the stuff he talks about—like how the chimp responds first is stuff you learn about in psychology, but it's easier to conceptualise it this way. Anyways. Back to the grind.
