Just Another Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Catharsis, May 29, 2017.

  1. NotSob

    NotSob New Member

    Sorry to hear about your relapse. I've been there...it sucks. At least you are on here communicating and trying to work things out. Have a great weekend.
  2. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 264
    Sunday, 8:51 AM

    I've been listening to "12 Rules for Life".
    Something that stuck out to me was waking up at the same time every day.
    I haven't been doing that.

    I need to wake up to an alarm.
    Earlier than I would naturally as a form of discipline.

    I didn't manage it today.
    My alarm went off, I sat up, then went back to sleep.
    I need to keep water or something near me so that I wake up.
    I need a reason to wake up.
    I reason to wake up and work.

    A poem I stumbled upon (translated):

    It is not seemly to be famous:
    Celebrity does not exalt;
    There is no need to hoard your writings
    And to preserve them in a vault

    To give your all—this is creation,
    And not—to deafen and eclipse.
    How shameful, when you have no meaning,
    To be on everybody's lips!

    Try not to live as a pretender,
    But so to manage your affairs
    That you are loved by future expanses,
    and hear the call of future years.

    Leave blanks in your life, not in your papers,
    and do not ever hesitate
    To pencil out whole chunks, whole chapters
    Of your existence, your fate.

    Into obscurity retiring
    Try your development to hide,
    As autumn mist on early mornings
    Conceals the dreaming countryside

    Another, step by step, will follow
    The living imprint of your feet;
    But you yourself must not distinguish
    Your victory from your defeat

    And never for a single moment
    Betray your credo or pretend,
    But be alive—this only matters—
    Alive and burning to the end

    Boris Pasternak
    NotSob likes this.
  3. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 265
    Monday, 8:38 AM

    Woke up lateish.
    Don't have uni until 10 so it's not that bad.

    Need to have some metrics to track how my day went.
    I need to wake up early.
    I feel like my bed is too comfortable.
    Maybe I need something harder/rougher.

    I'll figure something out.
    I've moved my phone across the room, so when I wake up, I'll have to cross the room to turn off the alarm.
    We'll see if that does anything.
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 266
    Tuesday, 7:38 AM

    Woke up earlier than yesterday.
    6:00 AM and almost stayed awake, but then laid down for a bit.


    Relapsed yesterday.

    What: Escort Site
    Length: 1 min
    Time: ~4:00 or 5:00 pm
    Where: Friends house
    Who's around: Friends
    Last action: Playing Boardgames
    Emotion: Slightly tired (no lunch)​

    Came home at around 8:30 pm was reading and almost slept.
    Then relapsed...

    What: Porn
    Length: 5 mins
    Time: 10:30 pm
    Where: Bedroom/Bathroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Reading​

    Didn't train yesterday, so I'm gonna have to hit it today.
    I have to do two things:
    1. add a certain site to my "always block" on safari
    2. Get my friend to unlock my phone so I can delete certain saves sites.
    Back to it.
  5. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 269
    Friday, 7:43 AM

    So I had my first full blown relapse (real porn) in ages.
    Out of curiosity I looked up how to disable K9 and then I disabled it...

    What: Porn
    Length: 10-15 mins
    Time: ~23:00
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Maths CW
    Emotion?: Bored?

    Back to it.

    Anyway, I'm competing 3 times next month. Basically every weekend.
    We'll see how that goes.
  6. NotSob

    NotSob New Member

    Good luck with your competitions, keep positive!
    Catharsis likes this.
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 270
    Saturday, 5:04 PM

    Relapsed again last night.

    What: Porn
    Length: 10-15 minutes
    Time: ~2300
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: youtube/browsing internet
    Emotion: ~bored/youtube

    I have to put my devices away at night.
    Doing good otherwise.

    The internet is such a huge rabbit hole.
    Your time disappears without you even noticing.
    Especially youtube/social media.

    Discipline fosters more discipline.
    It can be learned.
    People go to the army and learn to be more disciplined.
    They learn to control themselves and learn to be comfortable with discomfort.

    If they can learn that, why can't I?
  8. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 271
    Sunday, 2:56 PM

    Feeling good.
    Trained this morning, although I woke up a little late (~0900).

    Had a short peek a few minutes after getting back.
    Just did it without even really thinking about it.

    What: Escort Site
    Length: 5-10 minutes
    Time: 1430
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Cleaning contacts
    Emotion: good mood
    Apart from that...not too much going on.
    Got a bit of work to do, but nothing crazy.

    I should start writing, or doing something creative.
    Something the requires me to create.

    I was watching a Joe Rogan clip, and his guest said something interesting about alcohol addiction.
    If you feel the urge to drink (for self medication or w/e) it means that there is something wrong. There's an underlying issue you need to deal with or something of that nature.

    Food for thought.
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 272
    Monday, 11:17 PM

    Just checking in.
    Relapsed last night.

    What: Porn
    Length: 10-15 mins
    Time: 2200
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Working
    Emotion: Worried/Frustrated​

    Not much to say here.
    Several boxes have been ticked there...

    I should make an app for tracking habits.
    Whenever you do something that would trigger a habit, you hit a button or something and it asks you those five questions and saves them somewhere.

    Need to put my laptop away and go to bed.
    1234dyl likes this.
  10. Daa

    Daa New Member

    Hey man.
    How are you?
    I have a suggestion. We, me and you and every other user that wants, can make a special account in an app that has the ability to make groups or etc, and there we can help each other Faster and Liver. I mean if someone felt he has peeking, he can immediately send a message and others can help.
    If you are OK with this idea, we may do it today or Tomorrow.
  11. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 274
    Wednesday, 8:46 AM

    So didn't make an entry yesterday—I basically woke up late and had to run to uni.

    Doing good so far.
    Some peeks last night.

    What: Escort Site
    Length: 5 mins?
    Time: ~2230
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Just got home
    Emotion: Tired
    Apart from that, I'm doing alright.
    A little tired from training (been training x6 a week for the past 2 months basically).

    Haven't been reading as much as I'd like as well.
    There's just so much to do.

    I feel like I'm in a good place if got into a relationship, but I'm busy.
    Maybe that's just an excuse...
  12. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 275
    Thursday, 6:47 AM

    Up early for the first time in ages.
    Feeling good.

    There's just so much shit to do.
    So many books to read, so much to study.
    FFS...I feel like I'm going insane.

    I peeked three times yesterday.

    What: Escort site
    Length: >5 mins
    Time: 14:38
    Where: University
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Checked out a book from the library
    Emotion: no strong emotion

    What: Escort site
    Length: >5 mins
    Time: 18:32
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Sleeping
    Emotion: Annoyance?

    What: Escort site
    Length: >5 mins
    Time: 2330
    Where: Bedroom
    Who's around: Alone
    Last action: Getting home
    Emotion: Tired

    Apart from that, doing good.
    I honestly feel like training is saving my life.
    If I didn't have something to go to, I would be a lot more fucked up than I am now.

  13. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 279
    Monday, 10:11 AM

    I went to see a hooker.

    Not much else to say.
    Been peeking a lot and built up to it.

    Stupid, stupid, stupid.
  14. NotSob

    NotSob New Member

    Hey man hope you are ok
  15. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 280
    Tuesday, 2:19 PM

    Back on track.
    The #1 thing I want to work on is mindfulness/urge surfing.
    Similar to what is here: https://zenhabits.net/addictions/

    To facilitate this, I'm thinking about mindfulness/meditation daily.

    Apart from that, I'm going to go through a book I found: Breaking the Cycle

    I've skimmed over the first few chapters and there seems to be some good stuff there.
    I haven't done the exercises in depth, but I'm planning to.

    Otherwise, same old.
    I will track any peeks here as usual.

    Back on the wagon.
  16. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 281
    Wednesday, 8:17 AM

    Doing good.
    The main struggle now is waking up early.

    I don't want to get up too early because I need sleep for recovery and the like, but I can't just be lying in bed not doing anything.

    If you fight the urge and win. It will get weaker.

    I've been reading Colonel Roosevelt.
    Nothing crazy helpful there in terms of addiction, but it's really good story.
    Good example of a man.

    Listened to the Tim Ferriss podcast with Gabor Mate.
    Really good stuff there—I might go back and revisit In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts.
    I need to read more carefully, and take notes better.

    Got some work to do this afternoon—we'll see how it all goes.
  17. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 282
    Thursday, 5:16 PM

    A bit late today.
    Behind on a bunch of things.

    Had to copy some coursework off of someone else—no way I would have done it in time otherwise.
    Things are falling apart, slightly.

    I've got a competition on the weekend, but I've been sick the last couple days.
    We'll see how it goes.

    Still listening to 12 Rules for Life.
    Some good stuff there, but also a lot of waffle.
    Almost done with it (like 2 chapters left).

    Might try a CBT course that popped up on audible.
    Can always return it if it's not very good.
  18. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 283
    Saturday, 1:55 PM

    Didn't post yesterday.
    Was just busy and woke up late.

    I'm doing alright.
    Competing tomorrow—we'll see how that goes.
    Been a bit sick the last couple days, so I've been resting.

    We'll see how it goes.
  19. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 285
    Monday, 9:19 AM

    I'm in a lecture atm.
    It's a pretty dead one though.

    I lost yesterday...first round.
    Didn't feel too disappointed, and I felt really good in my first match.

    Relapsed at night.
    Peeked a couple times before that.
    Was thing about seeing a WG, but didn't.
    Only relapsed.

    Doing good otherwise.
  20. Catharsis

    Catharsis Active Member

    Day 286
    Tuesday, 9:21 AM

    Relapsed last night.
    Had a pretty serious email that I needed to respond to and disabled my filters.

    Responded to the email...and relapsed after.
    Really should be responding to stress in that manner.

    Anyway, what's done is done.
    Moving on.

    I'm ok otherwise.
    Feeling a bit off healthwise—I'm sick.

    You never appreciate how good you have it, until you don't have it anymore...

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