Day 247 Thursday, 8:06 AM 01/02/2018 I think the main thing is to be chasing something. To have goals that are more important than this. Work hard. You get what you earn. What have I earned?
Day 249 Saturday, 7:39 AM 03/02/2018 Up a little late today. It's fine. Got a lot of work to finish. Then training. I've got a competition on the 10th. Been a long, long time since I've competed. We'll see how it goes.
Relapsed. Sitting in my room on the computer. Logging it as usual: Relapse Time: 13:30ish Where: Room Who's around: Alone Last action: Studying Emotion?: Bored/Frustrated
Day 250 Sunday, 2:00 PM 04/02/2018 Went training in the morning, and now I've got 2 lab reports to finish. I woke up pretty late—8ish. Anyway...
Day 251 Monday, 10:49 PM 05/02/2018 Pretty late post today. I shouldn't be using my computer this late, tbh. Pretty full day today—had a lot to do. Was in Uni from 9-5 then came home and went training. Almost didn't go training, but did. Fuck that noise. I would probably have stayed home and jacked off if I didn't go training. Now sleep and crush it tomorrow.
Day 253 Wednesday, 5:22 PM 07/02/2018 Doing alright. Peeked in the afternoon (not porn). Peek Time: 3:40 pm (ish) Where: Room Who's around: Alone Last action: Just got back/studying Emotion?: Bored? Maybe the secret is just to keep busy all the time. I'm not sure. I'm actually really busy these days. Deadlines and a bunch of stuff. Next week will be much more free (hopefully)—we'll see how that goes. Anyway. Back to it.
Day 255 Friday, 9:14 PM 09/02/2018 So I relapsed twice on Weds/Thurs. Late at night + stressed. Need to stop using devices late at night—huge trigger. Anyways done for the time being. Reading week in uni—really needed tbh. I've been falling behind on everything, bit by bit. Anyway. I shouldn't be using a computer this late. I'm out.
Day 256 Saturday, 9:59 PM 10/02/2018 Competed today. Won one match, lost two. Lost because I made stupid mistakes. Eh. Had a massive headache afterwards, came home and relapsed. Not too sure how I feel about that. I don't feel particularly bad. I'm not sure what's wrong with me...I feel emotionally numb. I do not think I am the type of person to fall in love. I might like someone, but I really, really doubt that I will fall in love. Maybe time will prove me wrong. I don't have uni this week—while I do have catching up to do, I'm going to be comparatively freer than normal. I want to train a lot (I want to compete twice in March and maybe once in Feb again). I also want to approach and go on dates. Let's see what happens.
Day 257 Sunday, 8:21 AM 11/02/2018 Up earlyish. Woke up like 7:50? Not bad for a Sunday. Anyway. I think I'm training again today, because I obviously need it. I need to look at goal setting more. It helps when you don't have a clear idea of what you want to do. Set goals and chase them. When you reach those goals, then set other ones and chase those. Anyway. I need to journal more. It's more of a daily exercise that reminds you every day of what you're trying to accomplish. There are days when the person in this journal seems very different from what I am.
Day 258 Monday, 9:29 AM 12/02/2018 Relapsed last night. I'm in this fucking loop. Need to get out. I need to put my phone out of sight. I'm relapsing because I'm not being strict with how I use my devices at night. That's what's happening. I also need to go and plan my week out. See what's happening, and figure stuff out. I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
Day 259 Tuesday, 10:25 AM 13/02/2018 Relapsed last night. Couldn't sleep. Relapse What: Porn Length: 10-30 mins? Time: 2:30-3:00 am Where: Bed Who's around: Alone Last action: Trying to sleep/reading Emotion?: Frustrated I PMO a lot when I'm frustrated. It's a coping mechanism. I need to figure out a different way to cope. Breathing maybe. I should start trying to make something. Start trying to express myself. Probably writing, but something. I don't think writing is too powerful in itself. It's the process of thinking through things and coming up with clear ideas that you can express, that's what's valuable. When you read what someone's written, you're listening to them talk. You're listening to ideas in someone's head. That's what's happening. Anyway. Back on the wagon.
Day 260 Wednesday, 9:59 AM 14/02/2018 105 days until I've been journaling for a year. I feel like I'm in a good place now. I just need to keep the momentum. I spent like 1/2 an hour this morning talking to someone in my halls. I don't know what he thought of me, if he was just humouring me, or if he actually thought what I was saying was helpful. Anyway. I have to go in and work today. Might train, might not. Every time I get an urge at night, I want to sit down and just write for at least five minutes. Then I'll see what's happening, a coping mechanism of sorts.
Day 261 Thursday, 8:17 AM 15/02/2018 Feeling good. Mild temptation last night—I was on my phone and someone posted a whatsapp status of "pornhub premium". Fuck that noise. Went to bed and ignored it. A mental trick I've been playing with: Think of the action the peek leads to. You're not peeking, you're doing the action (e.g relapsing/seeing a hooker). Think to yourself: I don't want to relapse, therefore I won't peek.
Day 262 Friday, 9:41 AM 16/02/2018 Peeking a lot recently. I should be noting it down. I should have a notebook specifically for that. Just using an electronic device is a trigger. That's scary. It's so easy to just get lost on the internet. I have money at the moment. Afraid I might spend it on the wrong things. It's the temptation that comes with freedom. I don't know anymore.
Hey Catharsis, I think considering it won't be worthless that Controlling is different from Suppressing, And sometimes there need just a small thing to do to reject some crazy tricky cycles. Like in the morning, the moment that your temptation for going back to sleep gets so high, you just need to get up, Because just waking up doesn't help you to get to work/school sooner. And i want to tell you about a way that may help you, and i hope it does. That's Decision-button-Decision. How is it? When you are doing something that you know you shouldn't, or you don't really like, Close your eyes and imagine a big Red Button with "STOP" written on it, and then push it and stop. Have a good day
Day 263 Saturday, 10:53 AM 17/02/2018 I fucked up yesterday. Relapsed (once) in the afternoon. Then fell asleep, woke up at around 5:00. Would have gone training, but my Dad's friend was in town so had dinner with him. On the way there bumped into a girl from my class. Said she was going to the bookshop, so after dinner I went to the bookshop (not because she would be there—it'd been like 2 hours or something since we met—it was right next to the train station). Came out of the bookshop and started wandering around. The bookshop was right next to a seedy area. Started wandering around there and eventually went to a hooker. Such a shit experience. That is why you shouldn't pay. The experience is so much better than when you're both into it. It shouldn't be an option. I should never consider paying as an option. From now on, I will be noting my peeks. If I peek it will be noted down. I'm going to keep everything else the same, but I need to measure the peeks.
