Journey towards Freedom - Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Warrior_monk, May 18, 2023.

  1. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    I am 24 years old. I started watching porn when i was around 11-12 years old. Since then, i have watched porn very frequently. Binged for hours. Sacrificed sleep, suppressed emotions, destroyed relationships, ruined my career. I discovered that i have ED in December - 2018.
    I started my journey of quitting porn somewhere in August'19. I read everything i could and started. 1 month into the journey i was getting back on track. Life was improving and i was feeling happy. But somehow I relapsed.
    I struggled for another 4 months but constantly kept relapsing. In January 2020, i decided again and started nofap journey. This time it was amazing. I was high on different level of energy. I was looking sharp, my friends were complimenting me, even though i had done nothing different, i was dressing up as usual, working out as usual. But this time there was this glow on my face, charm in my personality and everything seemed to be going my way. I started dating a girl. Things were fine. I was enjoying every bit of it.
    It was last year of my graduation, i was looking for jobs, altough i had failed previously but this time i was ready. I nailed every interview i sat in. Finally i got a job.
    I was on cloud 9.
    Then, suddenly i started getting the feeling that I am still not ready to have sex with the girl i was dating and i was too afraid/ashamed to tell her the whole story. So, i again screwed up and lost that relationship.
    Next, i know, I got drunk and relapsed. I thought this is fine. But it wasn't.
    March 2020- covid happened. I had to come back to my hometown.
    Then again i was in this trap of addiction. It's been almost 4 years and i am still struggling. There were small streaks of 10 or 20 days in between but apart from that I watched porn for hours and masturabated.
    I lost my job. I started business but didn't continue it despite doing good. Then i started preparing for exams to become a diplomat. I am performing badly. I don't have focus. My face looks dull, my eyes are sunken, i am overweight, financially broke, no job, nothing. I keep fighting everyday and again i am back to square one in just few days.
    I have relapsed today as well. Now it has become so automatic that i can't even control myself. This addiction is destroying me.

    I know i have failed thousands of times but i have not given up before and i am not gonna give up today.
    This is my first post on this platform and i publically commit to try again. Tomorrow, will be Day 1 of my journey. I will try keep posting regularly. 2023 will be the year i will free myself from this addiction.
    -Luke- likes this.
  2. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Welcome to this site!

    Your story is the same as many here. Covid was really tough as boredom and isolation are standard triggers for PMO.

    We all started at nought, and have strong urges to relapse.

    Try to find someone your age roughly who would act as a recovery partner. You could then have daily conversations
    using the conversation tool so as to support each other while you reboot. Many recommend you aim at 90 days
    at least.

    I made a series of suggestions to Burnt Tao when he joined this site (search for Burnt Tao in the search box).
    See if any of them are helpful.

    I also wrote a piece on The Truth about Dopamine (see Porn Addiction section) which explains why rebooting
    is necessary in addiction.

    Look up some of the success stories (under that section) to get an idea of what has worked for others.

    All the best.
    Warrior_monk likes this.
  3. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Thanks for the support!

    I will check out the referred posts and definitely look for a recovery partner to create an accountability mechanism.
  4. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Hi Warrior-monk,

    You can find a recovery partner by posting that you would like to partner up with someone of roughly your age who is starting out.
    I found mine because someone asked if there was anyone who would act as a recovery partner, and we opened a conversation
    between the two of us (see conversations in your account to see how you can do this) and have written to each other each day
    and supported each other. It has been invaluable having this private conversation between the two of us.

    I am not suggesting that you don't also write a journal and post on the main site.
    Warrior_monk likes this.
  5. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day 1 ; Mood - 7/10 ; Libido - 3/10
    Overall, i had a fairly good day. I felt optimistic about the journey ahead. Read about other people's success story and their methods of recovery. I have decided to take my own time and to figure out what works best for me. I know that by repeating the same habits, i can't expect to get different results. I need to carefully identify the triggers, my response whenever i am triggered and redesign my environment to eliminate the possibility of me relapsing.
    Hopefully, soon i will be free from this addiction.
  6. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Don't fret about your libido. That will come back in time.

    As you say, the key is to prevent the triggers from occurring. Pornblockers of course on all devices, but change your days and how you spend them.

    Good luck for the journey ahead.
    Warrior_monk likes this.
  7. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Thanks DBA! I Appreciate your support.
  8. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day -2 ; Mood - 8/10 ; Libido - 3/10
    I slept well last night. I felt calm and managed to study for couple of hours. There were no urges as such, just some passing thoughts.
    Altough, i spent too much time on the forum and watching youtube shorts. I need to curb this. My brain is looking for alternate sources of dopamine.
    I know that aimlessly scrolling through internet and procratinating on my goals act as a trigger for me. From tomorrow onwards, I will restrict the time i spent on my phone.

    Also, i need to have a clear plan for the day as this sets momentum for the day.

    Remember this, don't be over excited if something good happens and don't feel extremely sad if things don't go well. Both extremes are bad. Try to be balanced and equanimous.
    Last edited: May 20, 2023
  9. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    It is good that your mood if fine. You have started doing the right thing. It gets more difficult over time as I well know.
    Have you got a recovery or accountability partner yet (ie started a conversation with someone?)

    You can help each other through the bad times.
  10. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day 3 : Mood - 8/10 ; Libido - 3/10
    Had a quite peaceful day. Devoted maximum amount of my time towards studies. Didn't spend much time on my phone.

    Focusing on strengthening my mind through meditation and spiritual practices.
    Told a friend about my situation, he is willing to help. Let's see how it goes.
  11. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Well done for telling a friend. These things are much better faced with constant help from someone you trust.
    Warrior_monk likes this.
  12. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day-4 ; Mood - 9/10 ; Libido - 3/10
    Had a super productive day. Studied for 7-8 hours. Phone usage wasn't more than 1.5 hours. Gave myself a little treat of ice-cream.
    Energy levels are amazing. I am not procrastinating on my targets. Trying to push every single day to become a better version of myself. I got this!
  13. Went astray

    Went astray New Member

    Hi i'd like to be your accountability partner,i'm 23 years old! Lemme know so we can get started!
  14. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Go to your account. Under conversations, click on start a new conversation.
    Give the conversation a title
    Put both of you down as the people in the conversation.
    Decide if you want it to be just between the two of you.
    If so, click on the lower button to say that the conversation is closed.

    Once you have written what you wanted to say (just the same as posting) send it.
    The reply button is at the bottom right of the post you send (in small blue writing)
    and so the other person can use this to reply.

    I write to my recovery / accountabiliity partner each day, and we both find it really helpful.
    When we started the conversation we told each other our real first names.

    Alternatively, if you don't mind the loss of anonymity, you can use the accountability
    tool (the last on the home page) and talk by Skype, phone or email. But your email
    address will give your real name (if you use gmail).

    I decided that I preferred to keep my anonymity and so use the conversation tool.
    You can also open conversations with anyone else on this site that you are following.

    Hope this helps.
    Last edited: May 22, 2023
  15. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Further thoughts.

    Once your partner has replied you no longer need to click on reply. Just post as on the main site.

    One tip: all of us who have become addicted to PMO have covered up and lied, whether to our family, friends, or partners whether married or not (straight or gay)
    Now ix your chance to be totally honest, however embarrassing the revelations.

    You are there to support each other, and you can only do that if there is trust between you.

    i would not have achieved 73 days (I'm aiming to reboot for 90 days) if I had not had the support from my recovery partner.
    Things get more difficult with time, and you need to sort out the problems together.

    It is the same as having a sponsor on Alcoholics Anonymous or Sexual Addicts Anonymous and similar organisations.
    Warrior_monk likes this.
  16. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Thanks for suggestions DBA! Really appreciate your support and guidance.
  17. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day 5 ; Mood - 7/10 ; Libido - 3/10
    Had an average day. Felt little low on energy. Had excess caffeine yesterday, it affected my sleep quality. I Have exams coming up so there is little pressure. There were some faint urges but i didn't act on them.

    Lesson from today - Getting adequate sleep is absolutely essential. Without sleep, mind feels tired and this increases the chance of relapse.
    Last edited: May 23, 2023
  18. DBA

    DBA Active Member

    Yes be careful about having too much coffee. It both affects your sleep and can make you feel anxious.
    With exams coming up you are bound to feel anxious, and the coffee can just make it worse.

    Anxiety can also be a trigger for watching porn.
  19. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day 6 ; Mood - 7/10 ; Libido - 2/10
    Having little strong urges. Trying to stay away from phone as much as possible. Pressure of exam and usual tendency to rely on porn to relieve stress is kicking in.
    I Need to stay strong. I Can't let these temporary urges to distract myself from the ultimate goal.
  20. Warrior_monk

    Warrior_monk New Member

    Day -7 ; Mood - 5/10 ; Libido 2/10
    I have had strong urges in last two days. I couldn't resist and masturabated. Although i didn't watch porn. Last night, i had dreams of me relapsing.
    Trigger - conversation with a friend about his relapse as he is also trying to abstain from masturabation. It was there in my subconscious.
    Pressure of exam; not being able to achieve my targets or setting too idealistic goals; inadequate plan for the day. All these cumulatively were the underlying factors.

    I have decided instead of going for the straight 90 days goal. I need to set small goals and slowly stop minimizing on my porn usage.
    In last 25 days, I had 4 relapses and 21 clean days. My focus is on increasing the number of cleans days and minimizing relapses.

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