Journey to Nowhere

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Quanta, Jul 1, 2019.

  1. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Hello

    Thought it'd be a good idea to keep a journal here. I'm on day 12.

    Where I'm coming from:
    • 38, single, a virgin, never had a girlfriend
    • kissed two girls in my 10s
    • friendzoned two times, totally clueless
    • all social connections cut due to feelings of inadequacy, hate or rejection
    • addicted to porn since around the age of 12
    • two years ago, I managed to do 30 days of nofap
    • one year ago, I managed to do 12 days of nofap
    • most of my life, I've been fapping daily for 1 to 6 times, less so with age
    • other addictions: I drink around 1.5 - 2 liters of beer daily. It started around when I was 22
    • hobbies: porn and watching tv. I don't have friends anymore. I workout 2 - 3 times a week (weight lifting) and have started to pick up running lately
    • job: I'm doing ok career wise, although there is potential for a burnout
    What is my reason to start nofap?

    I see my life as a wasted. Looking back, I blame porn as the root cause for a lot of it. A downward spiral. Not sure though, maybe it's just rooted in the lack of parental guidance, or maybe I'm just not smart enough. I remember that when I was 16 to 23, I smoked a lot of weed, e.g. each session, I took multiple bong hits. When weed became scarce for me - due to a shrinking social circle - I picked up drinking. As far as I can remember, I've always had a gloomy outlook on life.

    Over the years, the desire for bonding has not gone away. In fact, it is more prevalent now. Women seem to be less available as I get older, judging from the looks I get. I'm starting nofap to see if there is anything to salvage.

    To summarize my journey so far, days 1-4 were very hard to resist, days 5-8 I was still very horny. Since it's summer and all the short skirts are out, I've developed a bad habit of taking pictures of some of the hotter one's legs. For me, it's especially painful this time of the year. Days 9-11, it felt like I could finally get a grip on things. But unfortunately, today I saw a skirt so sexy, I had to take pictures as I was standing right behind her.

    I currently feel this stronger urge to change - that's why I've started nofap again - and have been reading up on some pickup material to prepare for change. As I saw this hot lady today, I almost dug up the balls to talk to her, but it was inside a public train and I just felt like too much of a pussy. I guess I'm far from ready.

    The whole day she was stuck in my mind. My Johnson is weak, sensitive to the touch, but other than to look at the pictures I'd took of her, I managed to channel the sexual energy into writing this post, and I think I'm through now. I'm a drunk too, so at least it feels easier after some beers.

    Hoping for a flatline soon.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
    Merton likes this.
  2. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 14

    Very horny all the time, but at least I managed not to MO.

    Damn taking pictures of hot girl's legs has to stop. It's such a bad replacement for porn. Makes you feel like a creep. Currently am reading material on dating and am planning to start talking to girls once the alcohol is under control and I've got a good training/eating routine going.

    It's relatively easy to stop drinking. I've done it in the past by just forcing myself not to do it for a few days. The urges would go away then. I need to do this again; it's very hard.

    No wet dreams yet, probably because of the alcohol. Also experiencing insomnia, maybe because I quit coffee 5 days ago.

    A positive experience today: a woman flirted with me. A coincidence? I've never had this happen before, that I can remember:

    I was walking down the street, she's was walking towards me. After briefly checking her out, I decided to cross the street to squash rising sexual feelings and subsequently feeling bad. As I was crossing, suddenly I heard her ask from behind for a cigarette. Immediately I told her that "No sorry, I don't smoke", turned and continued on my way. Only after turning did it dawn on me, that she was probably having other intentions. Oh well, if you're even to stupid to accept gifts from nature ...
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
  3. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 15

    Still so horny. I know I want to stop taking pictures, but the summer is just so damn hot and I'm experiencing heart-quenching loneliness.

    Walked behind this older lady ~50 with incredible legs. Thought about tlaking to her. I know I could get a greeting out at least, but then the after just terrified me too much. I have this strong conviction, that I'm a social looser and I just don't have anything interesting to say. I imagine that my life will bore anybody to death and scaring away the girls. Coming to grips with rejection is not the problem, but rather it's this innate fear that me is just too dull and unimaginative. I don't think any girl will ever be interested in my personality for more than one date. I'm so boring and not convinced that I could even fake it. Guess what, that's not surprising when you have lived an isolated existence for more than 15 years, numbing yourself with alcohol and porn.

    Physically, I'd rate my body as an 8. But there is a problem: I am balding and have very thin hair. Unfortunately a clean shave just doesn't look good on my skull because it has been uneven since birth, thanks to a doctor's mistake.

    Oh well, somehow I must quench all these thoughts and just start boldly talking to girls anyway, no matter the outcome. At least one must try, right? Oh flatline, won't you come, wash away the pain...
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
  4. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Forgot to mention, that at least I did something productive on day 15:
    • Made an appointment with a (female, since the actual is on vacation :eek:) urologist to look at my schlong and diagnose a potential phimosis, which I'm suspecting. I'm not sure how she will make the determination. Do I have to get erect? Oh god, I hope I'm not gonna cum into her hands! Although there is one part of me that is kinda looking forward to that :oops:

    • Made an appointment for an oral hygiene to rid me of some coffee stains, as best as possible. My teeth are quite yellow from drinking daily and I have quit coffee 6 days ago
    Also some TODOs:
    • Order a test set of condoms from Amazon, to find out what fits

    • Get more info on "safe sex". Looks like 70% of people have some variant of herpes. Oh fuck me! But requesting an STD/STI test each time before a potential sexual encounter seems unrealistic. What do you guys do?
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Secretly taking pictures of hot girls is totally uncool. But most of all it is not helping you: there is the rush that you keep feeding, but perhaps even more important is that it makes you feel like a creep. That can't be good for your self-worth and having feelings like that about yourself effects your life in so many ways. So if you want to steer your life in the right direction, that's definitly something to leave behind.

    About the thining hair: join the club:) I know how that can make you really self-consious. This is something that I can often be insecure about, especially when I look in the mirror. It's something I always look at first and that always involves negative thoughts. And I'm not even that bad. I once was looking for good haircuts for guys with thinning hair and I ended on this forum where guys were really obsessed with thinning hair. I mean, these were guys who had like 10 grades for going bald and would force those grades on every celebrity that did not have the perfect hair. Anyway, I understand how you feel about losing your hair, but I also wanted to say that I know quite some guys who can really rock that without shaving. I guess that if you are confident about yourself the going bald thing just isn't such a big deal. Confidence > thinning hair:)
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  6. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    Just one quick thought on the taking pictures thing in case it is helpful. I remember another guy on a different forum had a similar issue. He called the pictures "creep shots". I wonder if giving a really negative connotation to the practice would help you to stop? Obviously no one wants to be a "creep".
     
  7. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Thanks Living. You are spot on. I guess in general I have too much of a bad self-image. I just don't know how to change it. Guess I have to search for a good book. Taking pictures is a symptom of a weak mind - I have no self-discipline.

    Also true, I recognize that the only way forward is a mindset change. I'm hoping for a longer streak to rewire my brain and boost my confidence. Have been reading somewhere, that after 2-3 months it becomes much easier to talk to girls and be social, because of the chemical rebalancing in your brain.

    Hmm, not really. Alas I already perceive myself as a creep, but hornyness still wins.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
  8. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 16

    The Good
    • Had an enjoyable wet dream that ended before climax :( Still, it was revealing:

      I was chatting with this woman I know and proactively started kissing her. She showed reluctance at first, but soon gave in and that felt awesome. We went to a room to "dig deeper", but suddenly I found myself in the bathroom undressing and pulling down my pants. There was some dirt all over my legs. I couldn't have had that, so I started to rub it off. Meantime, it felt like she was getting annoyed because of the time I took. Alas, that's when I woke up. I think because of a mosquito and I couldn't fall asleep afterwards. Anyway, the mosquito is now history!

    • At work we had a group meeting where I gave a presentation in front of 30 people. Such a thing would normally wreck my nerves. I'd start trembling and my ears would get red on the slightest doubt of competence or argument. But not this time. I strangely felt empowered with a good amount of confidence, like never before. Not hyper-confident, but good enough and I was not having a red attack. Wow

    • At the supermarket, I saw a cute girl who had passed through the line before me. She was packing up her stuff. I gave her a brief, but telling look - through my sunglasses! - and as I was paying, she suddenly went back in to grab an energy drink (I was purchasing one too) and got back in the line behind me. Maybe I'm just projecting, but it felt like she was checking me out, briefly ... but of course I again was too much of a pussy to take action and confirm or dismiss that impression
    The Half-Bad
    • Figured it was time to find the right size of condoms for me, just in case, you know ;) As I have a measurement device, I needed to get erect. I wanted to do it as quickly as possible - to get it over with - but my weeny showed no signs of life. So with the mindset that this is very important, I opened and looked at some - rather harmless - pictures and started to masturbate. After just 10 seconds, I was there, starting to feel the onset of an orgasm. It was enough for the measurement, but I feel bad about it. Still, that was before all the good stuff mentioned above had happened, so I figure it did not do too much damage.
    The Bad
    • Not sure if related to the wet dream, but in the morning I was feeling so horny that I lurked for about 10 minutes at the train station, just to see if I can meet this super hot women I saw a few days ago. I noticed lately, that the really hot women - the one I really desire, physically - are far and few in between. Maybe I'll meet such a women once every other month. My plan was to initiate a conversation with this particular one. Although subconsciously, I knew I was going to chicken out. Anyway, she didn't show up and I lost 10 minutes of my day looking like a creep at the train station.
    Note: Always think positive!
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2019
    -Luke- likes this.
  9. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 18

    Feels like I'm entering a flatline.

    No morning wood and I have no drive to MO at all. My schlong feels indifferent. Out in public, hornyness is still there whenever I see a trigger. I'm gonna try dealing with it by imagining a big fat red X right when urges arise, as suggested by an article I read on YBOP.

    Downside of the faltline is my low motivation in general, e.g. I'm watching TV when I should be working... although to be honest, I wasn't all too motivated before.

    Went to the mall for groceries and thought about what it would be like to approach women. Again, that terrified me. I know you have to be super fun, meaning I will have to muster up a lot of energy, suppressing my depressive existence. Feeling that I'm not ready yet. I'm still working on quitting alcohol. It's just an essential precursor before I do this, if not for anything else than to improve my looks. Daily drinking shows in your face.
     
  10. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 19

    The Good
    • No urges to masturbate. The only sexual thoughts are about girls I see (or saw) on the street. Rather then to MO though, I have an urge to approach, which is immediately squashed by feelings of fear and anxiety.

    • In the morning, a beautiful girl gave me signals to approach, I thought. I first noticed her checking me out when I walked towards the train from about 30 meters away (she was standing inside). Soon, when I was standing not far behind, it felt like she constantly gazed in my direction. The angle was very awkward, so that's why I though she must be checking me out. Unfortunately, beyond a quick millisecond glance when first seeing her, I couldn't take the chance. In such situations, my thoughts always go "You're imagining things; if you take a look now, you will come off as a needy creep. Consider the 10 years you have on her, plus the thinning hairline. Jesus, look at your face! You drank 4 bottles of beer last night, remember!? How could she ever be interested in you after taking a closer look!". What a pussy I am. Or not - the drunk thing is true. Hoping for change as this streak grows.
    The Bad
    • No morning wood

    • Still taking pictures of women's legs. The red X thing is not working/winning so far. I fear the negative impact on my recovery time.

    • Coming home from work, motivation gained from today's earlier event is gone, so I start drinking again. It's always the evenings that kill me.

    Notes
    • Read today that if you don't take action for change, it means you prefer the status quo to unknown risks associated with a change in lifestyle, not that you prefer your current lifestyle. Growth can only happen if you try to challenge your thoughts, otherwise it means that you are living in a protective shell created by your own mind. That is strong stuff to swallow. But, if you challenge yourself, as well as your perceptions of the world, then you as well as your views of the world will inevitably have to change. It might sound difficult, though it really is quite simple (Alfred Adler).

    • Once you have your addictions under control, you gotta approach anyway. It will suck most of the time. Nevertheless, you gotta rewire your brain.
     
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2019
  11. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 21

    The Good
    • Just realized that if I would not be doing this journal, it would mean a totally unproductive evening. I'm not where I want to be, but at least it's better than MOing all the time.

    The Bad
    • No change from before. I'm not feeling good, my mood is down.

    • The flatline I think was imagined, or maybe it was just for one day? Continuing to feel super horny. Yesterday, I felt a strong urge to release like not since days 1-4 . Instead I went to bed and slept for an hour. Afterwards, it was manageable and I drank for the rest of the night.

    • Went to the female urologist... my schlong showed no reaction to her probing. She didn't ask to inspect it erect - which would have been tough anyway - but said that she doesn't see a phismosis. She suggested it could be a frenulum breve (short penis band), in which case I could get it cut. So I don't know what to do atm and am not sure if it's normal and even if not, if I would want to get it cut.
    Notes
    • Reading more Adler stuff. The difference between inferiority feelings and an inferiority complex is that feelings are normal and supposed to drive your growth. A complex is when you are using your feelings as an excuse not to move forward, e.g. "I don't look good, so nobody will ever want to date me". What counts is how you approach reality. Feelings will drive you forward while a complex will hold you back.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2019
  12. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 24

    The Good
    • I'm not having any porn flashbacks or fantasies (actually, that has not been a problem since the first few days - my fetishes are rather normal). When I get sexual thoughts, they are about body parts of girls I see in real life.

    • Had a half-wet and very strange dream : I was running along this beach when spotting two girls below me on another road. There was a ladder leading down. I took it, but it started to move further away quickly. Somehow, the girls helped me down. Next thing I remember, is me sailing away in this half-sailboat-half-tank kinda thing. It felt impenetrable, and I remember me thinking "what the hell is that? how is it constructed?".

    • There is no strong urge to masturbate, unless I've been outside. Hot summer skirts are killing me (not that I'd endorse any kind of restricting religious movement - those guys are nuts). Anyway, the real beautiful girls won't leave my mind for hours, causing strong urges to masturbate. At least urges from within, I seem to have under control. On one hand, summer is great to allow for girls to promote their physical attributes and make it easier to find someone compatible, but on the other hand, it's a real challenge for a man's libido.
    The Half-Bad
    • Still taking pictures. Luckily, it has cooled down the last few days, due to weather cool down. Although not porn, I'm sure it doesn't help my recovery in the long run when I'm "hunting" for shots and looking at them afterwards. It has to stop damnit!
    The Bad
    • No morning wood; it shows no reactions.

    • I'm not feeling any more push or confidence to approach girls in real life. It might be just because of the daily drinking, hmm.

    • Daily drinking is a crutch, I know. All crutches must be eliminated before taking stock. It feels like I'm cheating my own recovery. For tomorrow, I'm setting a goal to start a 90 days hiatus. Some motivation:


    • Reading more, I'm realizing that there are a lot of religiously motivated folks doing nofap and posting on forums such as this one. A majority of the records seem to be from christians and muslims - not real men, the kind I want to be. Another part looks like it's posts from angry women. Hmm, they say the internet magnifies, so doubts arise whether this is a is a worthwhile undertaking. I guess I just have to experiment and discover for myself, like they did before the internet came to be. On that thought, I've changed the title of this thread.
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2019 at 11:21 AM
  13. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Have you tried leaving your phone at home when you're outside for a while? It could also help to just switch off your phone while being outside. If you have the urge to take pictures it would take too long to activate it again.
     
  14. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    A good idea, thank you Luke. I need my phone with me all the me - because of work and other stuff - but I could try turning it off till I'm on the train at least.

    I have been ignoring my feelings for the past 20 years, which drove me to porn, smoking and alcohol. Taking pictures is just another way to distract myself from feeling bad. I will try to force myself not to do it anymore, only allowing to look - possibly smile - but not shoot. Like any addiction, this too should pass. I need to build a new house with a good foundation.
     
  15. Quanta

    Quanta New Member

    Day 25

    The Good
    • Made it through the day without drinking. Setting a goal for myself that when I'll reach day 30 of nofap, I also want to reach day 6 of no alcohol and healthy eating.

    • Did an 8k run and some strength training; that felt good.

    • No pictures taken, although it's weekend, so it doesn't count as much.
    The Bad
    • No morning wood and continuing to have low motivation.
    Note
    • Have been reading "The Courage to be Disliked"; it presents a helpful view on how to could look at and deal with life. Next gonna read "Feeling Good", by Dr. Burns.
     

Share This Page