Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    A week has passed since my last post, I will try to post as often as that from now on.

    I've been extremely focused on getting fit this week. A happy occurence was when someone asked me to go swimming with him -- in a lake nearby that I had been to and didn't really like. But we went, and it was so amazing. We swam for 45 minutes straight, pretty nice. I've been two more times since then (in one week), once by myself. I like this a lot - the lake is maybe 15 minutes by car from my home and is almost empty in the morning. On the 'off' days, I've been riding my bike in the morning for about 40 minutes. My diet has also been quite focused, so I've lost a good amount of fat in this one week alone. I'm very happy about that. This friend goes swimming 3-4 times a week, so I can join him until maybe the beginning of October, weather permitting. I've also been looking into proper swimming technique because I never really learned to swim on my back, which is a lot healthier than breast stroke. So that's all really nice and I feel a lot of momentum going on right now -- been to my gymnastics class twice this week on top of the swimming and biking as well. When I went clothes shopping yesterday, for the first time ever a nice classic white shirt fitted me perfectly. Amazing.

    I've been browsing the forum a bit again and it really made me feel motivated again to let go of porn and masturbation completely. I never really completed 90 days without either. My best no porn streak was something like 300 days, and no masturbation/no orgasm was 36 days or so. I also stumbled across this one thread about not going online after 8 pm, which is something I've more or less actively tried for a couple of years now, and I also want to take a shot at this again. I remember in 2016 I was in Spain for 2 weeks and I didnt use the Internet at all there, plus one more week after coming home, so in total 3 weeks without any computer (didnt have a smartphone or tablet back then) -- I felt so much clarity back then; in fact, even now I can literally feel that feeling of clarity and calmness I had back then. I want that again.


    @Rengaw: thanks for your post. Really, I felt kinda down before reading it and then felt a bit pumped and got out my bike and rode in the sun for a bit. I've been thinking a lot about your different 'paradigm' - seeing those 3 days a week I work as sort of security and earning some money, while using the other 2 (actually 4 with the weekend) days to work on myself, personal development, other projects and so on. That's a really good perspective, and actually the major cause of my remaining depression is that my days are often too boring and I have too much idle time. I still need to think more about what I can do on those days that will get me ahead in life - one idea I like is to go on a day trip once a week. There's a few big cities in 1-2 hours driving time from me, and I have a long list of sights I want to see or activities I want to do in those areas, so that would be pretty cool.
     
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Yo man, those swimming trips sound good! I think getting out there and moving is something that'll motivate you. I went cycling yesterday, nothing special - but because the previous weeks were so low, I felt a sudden high.
    Now I know it's essential to keep moving.
    I understand you're having some issues with electronic devices, and having that 8pm curfew is quite intelligent. I'm gonna steal that idea;).

    Thanks for sharing your post on the forum, I've picked up some good thoughts. I'll see your around!

    Rw
     
  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Thanks Rengaw. Always uplifting to read your posts.


    Checking in after a bit more than a week. Since my last post, things have been hectic. My grandparents were here, which is stressful in and of itself, but then my grandma got sick, had to be rushed to the hospital, and now she's staying here far longer than expected. I've also noticed that I lose my cool way, way quicker than ever before. I can feel a general, underlying, constant irritation, so it's easy for me to get frustrated or angry, which is unsual. I know and try to admit to myself that this is a direct cause of how my life is at this point - general uneasiness and discomfort and being restless. I want and need change.

    So this week I sent out one application for a teaching position in Spain, but unfortunately they were only looking for very recent graduates. So kinda disappointing, but I am pretty happy I got started with this process and taking a first small step. I've found one similar position with a different company, will finish sending out my application today. There are a few career options that I've come across; one is a sort of a dual degree where you study business in a university and then get work experience in one company at the same time. I really like that idea, and there is one such degree starting in October in my town. Just saw this ad today, so I am not sure how much I really want that, as I already quit on my business degree 10 years ago and also part of me still just wants to pack all my stuff and leave to a new country, get a fresh start and so on.

    A couple of years ago a friend told me this quote: "Once the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain and fear of changing, you will change." I've always like this and it is really relevant to me right now because I am just fed up with lots of things, with the most important and frustrating one being that I use maybe 5% of my potential in every area of my life. I could do so much better, and this is frustrating because there is only one person to blame for that lack of results.

    Speaking of results - the last week was not good in terms of my diet because there were a few family gatherings at which I overate. But exercise was good, went to work out class twice and went swimming today. PMO-wise went ok, watched porn once, masturbated twice I think, currently on day 3, which is nice.

    So next week:
    1. get on top of my diet again
    2. go swimming twice
    3. make an appointment with career counsellor
    4. sent out 2 applications.

    and maybe some other things. I still have too much idle time (as usual), so lots of opportunities to make progress. I just need to think more about what specific things I can do (as opposed to not do, e.g porn/Internet/TV etc).
     
  4. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey man,

    sorry to hear about your grandmother - I root for her health. You got a lot of tension going on there, with that on you mind and applying for a new job but she's in short distance - you can stand by her side easily.
    I have the same lack of coolness when I'm early in a reboot, or when I'm annoyed. I get distracted and frustrated so much quicker than when I'm in 2 or 3 months.

    I like the quote your friend once told. I have a sort of mantra that's a bit similar. "Frustrations are a shortcut to decisions". Nobody wants to be angry or frustrated and when you feel frustrated it is time to make a decision. Use this frustration to think of future opportunities. One second decisions are made quickly but cannot be undone easily.. but you seem to be thoughtful and mindful. Fuel your frustration into decision-making.

    You're already doing that. Keep doing that, get more focus on what frustrates you to get the most out of your negatives and put them into a positive mindset. Then, you'll be heading to Spain. Haha. I just got back from living in Portugal for a year. Could have been neighbours ;).
     
  5. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Not really in the mood to write much, but I said I would write in this journal once a week, and I keep my word nowadays :p.

    1. Sort of. Not too great, today was good though. Need to get the momentum going again with my planned meals and no snacking, no sweets.
    2. Yep. Good progress here because I realized that it was my breaststroke swimming style that led to my knee hurting. I've switched to different styles now, which is difficult as I am not used to them and don't really have the conditioning to go far yet. But I went swimmingt twice and I have also found an indoor pool that I can go to starting in two weeks when the weather is not as good anymore to swim in a lake (maybe a bit later). I'd have to go very early (from 6 to 7 am), but that might be a really great feeling, to get up so early again after so many years of getting up later. I remember fondly my first year in college when I woke up really early to go to the gym that was next to the University buildings and would then go to class at 8 am. It was such an amazing feeling that I had already achieved that when the first lecture started. Might be nice to get that feeling again this fall, at least the working out early part.
    3. Nope.
    4. Nope - but I am seriously thinking of becoming a teacher of German to foreigners abroad. That would be amazing to just live in Spain and maybe other countries for the next 2-3 years or something.

    Well, all in all an alright week. Kinda stressful at home, but things are cooling down now. It's a bit hard to get into a positive mood again. The teaching thing has been a boost in motivation for me, so I will need to focus on that and take some steps. Would be nice to just get away from it all. Yeah. Hopefully I can start a good run in all areas of my life again.
     
  6. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Haven't posted in 3 months, and still my thread is on the first page. Whenever I come back to the forum, seeing the lack of activity makes me a bit sad. But alright - I still find after all those years on this forum that it helps me to come back and write a bit. I talk to other people, write about some stuff online, but never in the way, depth or emotional rawness as I have done so here for more than 5 years. I've also always liked to have everything in one place, as a kind of progressing journey.

    I guess a lot has happened since my last entry at the end of August.

    The most important change has to do with how physically active I am now. I have never done more sports in my life than I have done this year and than I am doing right now. I go to yoga three times a week, go swimming, ride my bike when I can despite autumn/winter temperatures outside. Very happy about this. I havent lost weight, but that's the next step and I am looking forward to that goal in 2019.

    Secondly, I have booked a vacation for myself in January where I will go abroad for the first time by myself. I am looking forward to this so much, and it makes me happy because this is the perfect example of how much I've been able to progress this year. It was my goal to become fine with travelling solo this year, and that's exactly what I've done. I started off with a short trip in January, then took more and more and longer and longer trips within Germany, and now I am flying off to warmer regions in January. And it's completely fine -- I am allowed to do that, and I'll do it. I am a bit nervous, but in a good way / excited.

    My career situation hasn't improved much, though I can honestly say I tried my best in the last few months. I did some interviews, almost decided to take up a job abroad, but didn't end up doing that. I am also considering doing a degree again, but from home - the study materials are online and you just have to go to the University a couple of times per year to take exams. I havent thought about this a lot yet, but I definitely dont want to be in this job situation my whole life. A decade ago I first went to University and I failed because I was very ill at the time. That's just how it is and I've come to accept this fact more and more in recent months / this year, instead of berating myself for that. I am starting to find something like "ambition" within myself -- I mean, real ambition. I've always had these fantasies ambitions of being rich and yada yada yada, but now I legitimately want to improve my life and strive for something. This year has shown me that I am able to put my plans into actions -- something I've always doubted at the bottom of my heart due to years of failing my own expectations and not keeping promises to myself -- and that I am able to actually achieve goals. Like, literally set a goal and eventually hit it. This has been extremely surprising to me because of how easy it is at times, and how most of the blocks, problems, challenges I used to face were my own doing. This year has taught me that once I get my own mind set on something, all things fall into place and the process is actually very easy. It is only when I am not one with my ideas and dreams and goals that challenges become insurmountable and the process becomes painstakingly difficult and seemingly never ends.

    As to porn and masturbation, this year has been pretty bad. It is what it is, cant sugarcoat it. November was by far the worst in terms of MO, I only had 2 or 3 days where I didn't do it; porn-wise, I've watched it 1-2 times a week. I am fed up by it. I've found that I still dont have the ability to regulate my emotions on difficult days, so I always end up watching porn and always the same thing as always, as in the last 15 years, happens: I feel bad, lethargic, like a zombie the day after. This has to stop, and 2019 is going to be the year where I finally put all of this shit behind me. I've realized a few days ago that I cant white-knuckle it like I've tried the last 2-3 years or so. My biggest progress came about when I started on this forum and really took a close look at why I watch porn, my porn history, and all those things, all the psychological complexes and mechanisms that lie beneath the addiction. That's when I did 300 days no porn. Twice. But I am far away from that level ... Still, I've started taking a look at the no fap newsletter I've been subscribed to, I dont remember the name, but it's a pretty famous guy in the no fap movement, and he sends out a monthly newsletter on rebooting and the spiritual aspect of this no porn journey. So I read one of those articles and watched one of those videos last night and already it put me on the right track mentally and I started thinking about a few things....I ended up relapsing at night, but still, this is the way I need to go. Nothing will change if I just keep doing what I've been doing for 2 years or so in regards to PMO.

    I'll try to use this journal to document my thoughts on PMO and recovery. I'll start with one thought that came up while I was watching that video yesterday: If porn had to negative effects at all, would I still watch it? If so, why? If not, why not?
    I'm really not sure how to answer that yet. First, it is hard for me to even imagine porn not having any negative effects and it just not mattering like eating a slice of cake one time or something. Second, I wonder whether there is a correct answer or an answer to strive for, e.g. "no, I still wouldn't do it". I wonder whether that wouldn't be a sign of dogmaticism. On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of not watching porn even when it didn't have any negative effects, like porn just not mattering to me at all, just like the very fact that cocaine exists and can be bought and used doesn't impact me in the slightest bit.

    That's it for now. My thoughts go out to all people who I've ever met on this forum and who are hopefully out there living and enjoying their lives, and all the people still struggling.
     
  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey man, I enjoyed reading your post and I hope that you give us an update soon. It is very sad to see the state of the forum, especially when we know how active it was a few years ago. Those were the days haha Still, I believe that there is benefit to documenting our journey, even if it is sporadically.
    I am actually going through a lot of similar things that you are. I am re-configuring my life in a significant way. I think that taking calculated risk can help us elevate and live a better life than what we had before.
    To answer that last question, even if porn had no negative effects, I wouldn't do it. I don't believe that porn can provide any real value or fulfillment in life..so I wouldn't want it in my life at all. It's funny that we are ingesting what we know is poison.
    Let's recover brother, even I don't post often, there are a few journals here that I do keep track of.
     
  8. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Thanks Cham, always nice to hear from you. I agree about the state of the forum, and the most frustrating thing is that it could (have been) changed. Look at the other nofap forum, it is bustling with activity, so the idea that forums are dying is just a cop-out. I opened a thread about the low activity on here a few weeks ago and the admin didn't even respond until two weeks later. Yeah. Then again, I feel that with some of the people I knew on here, it is actually better or calming to not know exactly how they're doing, for fear of their situation having worsened.

    This is very true, and something I have been trying to put into practice for the last two years or so. When I was at my worst in 2016, I realized that all my high intelligence and knowledge acquired from reading books hadn't helped me; in fact, it had put me into that terrible situation. It was very humbling. I realized that I needed to do things differently, but from years of depression and addiction my mind was clouded, so I didn't know what was right or wrong, and which of my behaviors or ideas actually did have a positive impact. So I tried to question everything and try new things. For instance, I always thought doing everything on my own was best, but last year I realized just how much easier it is when you're in a group. I have never had so little trouble working out consistently ever since I've joined a yoga class that meets twice a week. It is so easy. I literally just have to show up and then by being there, I automatically want to do my best and keep up with the exercises the instructor tells us to do. I have never been so consistent and made so many gains as I did in the last 6 months. It is amazing. But if I had done the same I had always done - try to work out at home again - I would have gotten the same mediocre results.

    I think we often vastly exaggerate the negative consequences of a new project. What is the worst that can happen if you go to a class? You dont like it, and dont go again. Big deal...


    I also want to write a bit more about no porn / no fap in this entry. A couple of years ago, I subscribed to the "Universal Man" newsletter, which is about porn addiction. I never once looked at any of its content, but I still have the emails, so I have started reading up on them a bit. There is a short e-book called "The Reboot Regimen" ( http://www.universalman.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/The-Reboot-Regimen-v1.pdf ) . I've started reading that today, I dont know how good it is, but it does take a more introspective and analytical approach, which is something that has helped me overcome porn addiction before.

    My first insight was that by and large, porn and masturbation are a habit for me. I never do either during the day, ever. But I do it almost every night while trying to fall asleep. It is not even that I am horny or in a bad emotional state. Those are maybe 20% of my relapses, but mostly I am just doing it out of habit. It's something I've basically conditioned myself to do. After going to bed, I fap - for no reason other than that's why I've been doing for a year straight. Before that, I had relapses during the day and stuff, but now never, and it's only that shit at night, which is totally pointless, as like I said - I am not even horny or desperate most of the time. So if I could cut those "habit relapses" out, I would relapse 2-3 times a month or so, which would already be a considerable improvement.
     
  9. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So one of my goals is to take my recovery more seriously again and write a post in my journal once a week.

    I am back from my vacation - it was amazing. I went abroad for the first time and experienced a lot of cool things. It was a great trip overall. I was able to befriend one guy in my hotel who then accompanied me to breakfast and dinner the last few days, so that was cool. He was older and very well-travelled and that has definitely inspired me to venture out even more this year. One thing that's been simmering in my head since that vacation is to go on a 3-4 week trip by myself in the summer. That would be amazing and would certainly be the next level, the next challenge for me.

    Socially, the trip was interesting too because I felt no insecurity or hesitation when talking to other people. The only thing that I could improve would be to take the initiative and talk to girls. There were a few women who travelled with a girl friend, so that would have been possible and probably pretty easy to talk to them...Yeah. But no pressure - it's just that I am starting to realize that I can improve myself as much as I want, but I still have to actually do something and talk to women. But I am starting to really realize how much I have to offer. I mean, I was able to talk to 50-year old accomplished people in my hotel and was able to fit right in or to make them interested in what I have to say and want to spend time with me. So that's been really interesting and something that I've thought about in the last few months as well. I have something to offer, I just need to be willing and open to actually offering it - if that makes sense.

    PMO-wise, I am doing pretty well. I haven't watched porn in a month or so, the longest since I dont know when, probably the longest in all of 2018. I still masturbate too often, though.

    All in all, I am in a good mood and this vacation abroad has really propelled me forward. I'm starting to see in my own life what I've already read and observed in theory in books, movies or the lives of other people: if I take small steps outside my comfort zone, that comfort zone will gradually expand and eventually things that once were so far out of reach and unthinkingable to achieve are suddenly in sight and achievable.
     

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