Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    A week has passed since my last post, I will try to post as often as that from now on.

    I've been extremely focused on getting fit this week. A happy occurence was when someone asked me to go swimming with him -- in a lake nearby that I had been to and didn't really like. But we went, and it was so amazing. We swam for 45 minutes straight, pretty nice. I've been two more times since then (in one week), once by myself. I like this a lot - the lake is maybe 15 minutes by car from my home and is almost empty in the morning. On the 'off' days, I've been riding my bike in the morning for about 40 minutes. My diet has also been quite focused, so I've lost a good amount of fat in this one week alone. I'm very happy about that. This friend goes swimming 3-4 times a week, so I can join him until maybe the beginning of October, weather permitting. I've also been looking into proper swimming technique because I never really learned to swim on my back, which is a lot healthier than breast stroke. So that's all really nice and I feel a lot of momentum going on right now -- been to my gymnastics class twice this week on top of the swimming and biking as well. When I went clothes shopping yesterday, for the first time ever a nice classic white shirt fitted me perfectly. Amazing.

    I've been browsing the forum a bit again and it really made me feel motivated again to let go of porn and masturbation completely. I never really completed 90 days without either. My best no porn streak was something like 300 days, and no masturbation/no orgasm was 36 days or so. I also stumbled across this one thread about not going online after 8 pm, which is something I've more or less actively tried for a couple of years now, and I also want to take a shot at this again. I remember in 2016 I was in Spain for 2 weeks and I didnt use the Internet at all there, plus one more week after coming home, so in total 3 weeks without any computer (didnt have a smartphone or tablet back then) -- I felt so much clarity back then; in fact, even now I can literally feel that feeling of clarity and calmness I had back then. I want that again.

    @Rengaw: thanks for your post. Really, I felt kinda down before reading it and then felt a bit pumped and got out my bike and rode in the sun for a bit. I've been thinking a lot about your different 'paradigm' - seeing those 3 days a week I work as sort of security and earning some money, while using the other 2 (actually 4 with the weekend) days to work on myself, personal development, other projects and so on. That's a really good perspective, and actually the major cause of my remaining depression is that my days are often too boring and I have too much idle time. I still need to think more about what I can do on those days that will get me ahead in life - one idea I like is to go on a day trip once a week. There's a few big cities in 1-2 hours driving time from me, and I have a long list of sights I want to see or activities I want to do in those areas, so that would be pretty cool.
  2. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Yo man, those swimming trips sound good! I think getting out there and moving is something that'll motivate you. I went cycling yesterday, nothing special - but because the previous weeks were so low, I felt a sudden high.
    Now I know it's essential to keep moving.
    I understand you're having some issues with electronic devices, and having that 8pm curfew is quite intelligent. I'm gonna steal that idea;).

    Thanks for sharing your post on the forum, I've picked up some good thoughts. I'll see your around!

  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Thanks Rengaw. Always uplifting to read your posts.

    Checking in after a bit more than a week. Since my last post, things have been hectic. My grandparents were here, which is stressful in and of itself, but then my grandma got sick, had to be rushed to the hospital, and now she's staying here far longer than expected. I've also noticed that I lose my cool way, way quicker than ever before. I can feel a general, underlying, constant irritation, so it's easy for me to get frustrated or angry, which is unsual. I know and try to admit to myself that this is a direct cause of how my life is at this point - general uneasiness and discomfort and being restless. I want and need change.

    So this week I sent out one application for a teaching position in Spain, but unfortunately they were only looking for very recent graduates. So kinda disappointing, but I am pretty happy I got started with this process and taking a first small step. I've found one similar position with a different company, will finish sending out my application today. There are a few career options that I've come across; one is a sort of a dual degree where you study business in a university and then get work experience in one company at the same time. I really like that idea, and there is one such degree starting in October in my town. Just saw this ad today, so I am not sure how much I really want that, as I already quit on my business degree 10 years ago and also part of me still just wants to pack all my stuff and leave to a new country, get a fresh start and so on.

    A couple of years ago a friend told me this quote: "Once the pain of not changing becomes greater than the pain and fear of changing, you will change." I've always like this and it is really relevant to me right now because I am just fed up with lots of things, with the most important and frustrating one being that I use maybe 5% of my potential in every area of my life. I could do so much better, and this is frustrating because there is only one person to blame for that lack of results.

    Speaking of results - the last week was not good in terms of my diet because there were a few family gatherings at which I overate. But exercise was good, went to work out class twice and went swimming today. PMO-wise went ok, watched porn once, masturbated twice I think, currently on day 3, which is nice.

    So next week:
    1. get on top of my diet again
    2. go swimming twice
    3. make an appointment with career counsellor
    4. sent out 2 applications.

    and maybe some other things. I still have too much idle time (as usual), so lots of opportunities to make progress. I just need to think more about what specific things I can do (as opposed to not do, e.g porn/Internet/TV etc).
  4. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hey man,

    sorry to hear about your grandmother - I root for her health. You got a lot of tension going on there, with that on you mind and applying for a new job but she's in short distance - you can stand by her side easily.
    I have the same lack of coolness when I'm early in a reboot, or when I'm annoyed. I get distracted and frustrated so much quicker than when I'm in 2 or 3 months.

    I like the quote your friend once told. I have a sort of mantra that's a bit similar. "Frustrations are a shortcut to decisions". Nobody wants to be angry or frustrated and when you feel frustrated it is time to make a decision. Use this frustration to think of future opportunities. One second decisions are made quickly but cannot be undone easily.. but you seem to be thoughtful and mindful. Fuel your frustration into decision-making.

    You're already doing that. Keep doing that, get more focus on what frustrates you to get the most out of your negatives and put them into a positive mindset. Then, you'll be heading to Spain. Haha. I just got back from living in Portugal for a year. Could have been neighbours ;).
  5. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Not really in the mood to write much, but I said I would write in this journal once a week, and I keep my word nowadays :p.

    1. Sort of. Not too great, today was good though. Need to get the momentum going again with my planned meals and no snacking, no sweets.
    2. Yep. Good progress here because I realized that it was my breaststroke swimming style that led to my knee hurting. I've switched to different styles now, which is difficult as I am not used to them and don't really have the conditioning to go far yet. But I went swimmingt twice and I have also found an indoor pool that I can go to starting in two weeks when the weather is not as good anymore to swim in a lake (maybe a bit later). I'd have to go very early (from 6 to 7 am), but that might be a really great feeling, to get up so early again after so many years of getting up later. I remember fondly my first year in college when I woke up really early to go to the gym that was next to the University buildings and would then go to class at 8 am. It was such an amazing feeling that I had already achieved that when the first lecture started. Might be nice to get that feeling again this fall, at least the working out early part.
    3. Nope.
    4. Nope - but I am seriously thinking of becoming a teacher of German to foreigners abroad. That would be amazing to just live in Spain and maybe other countries for the next 2-3 years or something.

    Well, all in all an alright week. Kinda stressful at home, but things are cooling down now. It's a bit hard to get into a positive mood again. The teaching thing has been a boost in motivation for me, so I will need to focus on that and take some steps. Would be nice to just get away from it all. Yeah. Hopefully I can start a good run in all areas of my life again.
  6. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Haven't posted in 3 months, and still my thread is on the first page. Whenever I come back to the forum, seeing the lack of activity makes me a bit sad. But alright - I still find after all those years on this forum that it helps me to come back and write a bit. I talk to other people, write about some stuff online, but never in the way, depth or emotional rawness as I have done so here for more than 5 years. I've also always liked to have everything in one place, as a kind of progressing journey.

    I guess a lot has happened since my last entry at the end of August.

    The most important change has to do with how physically active I am now. I have never done more sports in my life than I have done this year and than I am doing right now. I go to yoga three times a week, go swimming, ride my bike when I can despite autumn/winter temperatures outside. Very happy about this. I havent lost weight, but that's the next step and I am looking forward to that goal in 2019.

    Secondly, I have booked a vacation for myself in January where I will go abroad for the first time by myself. I am looking forward to this so much, and it makes me happy because this is the perfect example of how much I've been able to progress this year. It was my goal to become fine with travelling solo this year, and that's exactly what I've done. I started off with a short trip in January, then took more and more and longer and longer trips within Germany, and now I am flying off to warmer regions in January. And it's completely fine -- I am allowed to do that, and I'll do it. I am a bit nervous, but in a good way / excited.

    My career situation hasn't improved much, though I can honestly say I tried my best in the last few months. I did some interviews, almost decided to take up a job abroad, but didn't end up doing that. I am also considering doing a degree again, but from home - the study materials are online and you just have to go to the University a couple of times per year to take exams. I havent thought about this a lot yet, but I definitely dont want to be in this job situation my whole life. A decade ago I first went to University and I failed because I was very ill at the time. That's just how it is and I've come to accept this fact more and more in recent months / this year, instead of berating myself for that. I am starting to find something like "ambition" within myself -- I mean, real ambition. I've always had these fantasies ambitions of being rich and yada yada yada, but now I legitimately want to improve my life and strive for something. This year has shown me that I am able to put my plans into actions -- something I've always doubted at the bottom of my heart due to years of failing my own expectations and not keeping promises to myself -- and that I am able to actually achieve goals. Like, literally set a goal and eventually hit it. This has been extremely surprising to me because of how easy it is at times, and how most of the blocks, problems, challenges I used to face were my own doing. This year has taught me that once I get my own mind set on something, all things fall into place and the process is actually very easy. It is only when I am not one with my ideas and dreams and goals that challenges become insurmountable and the process becomes painstakingly difficult and seemingly never ends.

    As to porn and masturbation, this year has been pretty bad. It is what it is, cant sugarcoat it. November was by far the worst in terms of MO, I only had 2 or 3 days where I didn't do it; porn-wise, I've watched it 1-2 times a week. I am fed up by it. I've found that I still dont have the ability to regulate my emotions on difficult days, so I always end up watching porn and always the same thing as always, as in the last 15 years, happens: I feel bad, lethargic, like a zombie the day after. This has to stop, and 2019 is going to be the year where I finally put all of this shit behind me. I've realized a few days ago that I cant white-knuckle it like I've tried the last 2-3 years or so. My biggest progress came about when I started on this forum and really took a close look at why I watch porn, my porn history, and all those things, all the psychological complexes and mechanisms that lie beneath the addiction. That's when I did 300 days no porn. Twice. But I am far away from that level ... Still, I've started taking a look at the no fap newsletter I've been subscribed to, I dont remember the name, but it's a pretty famous guy in the no fap movement, and he sends out a monthly newsletter on rebooting and the spiritual aspect of this no porn journey. So I read one of those articles and watched one of those videos last night and already it put me on the right track mentally and I started thinking about a few things....I ended up relapsing at night, but still, this is the way I need to go. Nothing will change if I just keep doing what I've been doing for 2 years or so in regards to PMO.

    I'll try to use this journal to document my thoughts on PMO and recovery. I'll start with one thought that came up while I was watching that video yesterday: If porn had to negative effects at all, would I still watch it? If so, why? If not, why not?
    I'm really not sure how to answer that yet. First, it is hard for me to even imagine porn not having any negative effects and it just not mattering like eating a slice of cake one time or something. Second, I wonder whether there is a correct answer or an answer to strive for, e.g. "no, I still wouldn't do it". I wonder whether that wouldn't be a sign of dogmaticism. On the other hand, I kind of like the idea of not watching porn even when it didn't have any negative effects, like porn just not mattering to me at all, just like the very fact that cocaine exists and can be bought and used doesn't impact me in the slightest bit.

    That's it for now. My thoughts go out to all people who I've ever met on this forum and who are hopefully out there living and enjoying their lives, and all the people still struggling.
  7. Chammorrow

    Chammorrow Member

    Hey man, I enjoyed reading your post and I hope that you give us an update soon. It is very sad to see the state of the forum, especially when we know how active it was a few years ago. Those were the days haha Still, I believe that there is benefit to documenting our journey, even if it is sporadically.
    I am actually going through a lot of similar things that you are. I am re-configuring my life in a significant way. I think that taking calculated risk can help us elevate and live a better life than what we had before.
    To answer that last question, even if porn had no negative effects, I wouldn't do it. I don't believe that porn can provide any real value or fulfillment in I wouldn't want it in my life at all. It's funny that we are ingesting what we know is poison.
    Let's recover brother, even I don't post often, there are a few journals here that I do keep track of.
  8. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Thanks Cham, always nice to hear from you. I agree about the state of the forum, and the most frustrating thing is that it could (have been) changed. Look at the other nofap forum, it is bustling with activity, so the idea that forums are dying is just a cop-out. I opened a thread about the low activity on here a few weeks ago and the admin didn't even respond until two weeks later. Yeah. Then again, I feel that with some of the people I knew on here, it is actually better or calming to not know exactly how they're doing, for fear of their situation having worsened.

    This is very true, and something I have been trying to put into practice for the last two years or so. When I was at my worst in 2016, I realized that all my high intelligence and knowledge acquired from reading books hadn't helped me; in fact, it had put me into that terrible situation. It was very humbling. I realized that I needed to do things differently, but from years of depression and addiction my mind was clouded, so I didn't know what was right or wrong, and which of my behaviors or ideas actually did have a positive impact. So I tried to question everything and try new things. For instance, I always thought doing everything on my own was best, but last year I realized just how much easier it is when you're in a group. I have never had so little trouble working out consistently ever since I've joined a yoga class that meets twice a week. It is so easy. I literally just have to show up and then by being there, I automatically want to do my best and keep up with the exercises the instructor tells us to do. I have never been so consistent and made so many gains as I did in the last 6 months. It is amazing. But if I had done the same I had always done - try to work out at home again - I would have gotten the same mediocre results.

    I think we often vastly exaggerate the negative consequences of a new project. What is the worst that can happen if you go to a class? You dont like it, and dont go again. Big deal...

    I also want to write a bit more about no porn / no fap in this entry. A couple of years ago, I subscribed to the "Universal Man" newsletter, which is about porn addiction. I never once looked at any of its content, but I still have the emails, so I have started reading up on them a bit. There is a short e-book called "The Reboot Regimen" ( ) . I've started reading that today, I dont know how good it is, but it does take a more introspective and analytical approach, which is something that has helped me overcome porn addiction before.

    My first insight was that by and large, porn and masturbation are a habit for me. I never do either during the day, ever. But I do it almost every night while trying to fall asleep. It is not even that I am horny or in a bad emotional state. Those are maybe 20% of my relapses, but mostly I am just doing it out of habit. It's something I've basically conditioned myself to do. After going to bed, I fap - for no reason other than that's why I've been doing for a year straight. Before that, I had relapses during the day and stuff, but now never, and it's only that shit at night, which is totally pointless, as like I said - I am not even horny or desperate most of the time. So if I could cut those "habit relapses" out, I would relapse 2-3 times a month or so, which would already be a considerable improvement.
  9. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So one of my goals is to take my recovery more seriously again and write a post in my journal once a week.

    I am back from my vacation - it was amazing. I went abroad for the first time and experienced a lot of cool things. It was a great trip overall. I was able to befriend one guy in my hotel who then accompanied me to breakfast and dinner the last few days, so that was cool. He was older and very well-travelled and that has definitely inspired me to venture out even more this year. One thing that's been simmering in my head since that vacation is to go on a 3-4 week trip by myself in the summer. That would be amazing and would certainly be the next level, the next challenge for me.

    Socially, the trip was interesting too because I felt no insecurity or hesitation when talking to other people. The only thing that I could improve would be to take the initiative and talk to girls. There were a few women who travelled with a girl friend, so that would have been possible and probably pretty easy to talk to them...Yeah. But no pressure - it's just that I am starting to realize that I can improve myself as much as I want, but I still have to actually do something and talk to women. But I am starting to really realize how much I have to offer. I mean, I was able to talk to 50-year old accomplished people in my hotel and was able to fit right in or to make them interested in what I have to say and want to spend time with me. So that's been really interesting and something that I've thought about in the last few months as well. I have something to offer, I just need to be willing and open to actually offering it - if that makes sense.

    PMO-wise, I am doing pretty well. I haven't watched porn in a month or so, the longest since I dont know when, probably the longest in all of 2018. I still masturbate too often, though.

    All in all, I am in a good mood and this vacation abroad has really propelled me forward. I'm starting to see in my own life what I've already read and observed in theory in books, movies or the lives of other people: if I take small steps outside my comfort zone, that comfort zone will gradually expand and eventually things that once were so far out of reach and unthinkingable to achieve are suddenly in sight and achievable.
  10. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So I didn't log in for one year, but somehow I just felt like coming back and updating my journal a bit.

    2019 was the best year of life and I was able to change a lot of things. Most importantly, I now have a proper career and I make more money than I need right now. I also live in my own apartment after living again with my parents for 3 years after my mental breakdown in 2016. I have also finally managed to work out regularly, I have been going to yoga classes for more than a year now. I am also much more stable mentally, this autumn and winter I havent felt much of a decline in my mood, which is different from all those years in the past. So all of that is really good.

    Now, there are still other things that I am not happy with, especially women and also porn and masturbation. But the bigger issue is that my life has changed considerably so that I have a whole new set of problems that are causing me a lot of stress.

    The first one was that I worked a ton at the end of last year, much more than I have ever worked before, and at times I felt close to a burnout. I never thought I would experience this, as I've always been very casual, laid-back, probably too lazy in general. But it felt so good to be finally working towards something career-wise and also seeing the money come in. Some days I worked 12 hours, then went to yoga class, and that was it. So, many times I went to bed feeling really sad and empty, I was asking myself "is this it? I work, I earn good money, but I am still not happy!!! When are you actually going to start living?". That was actually the most depressing factor, much more than being single or seasonal depression or anything else.

    I am not rich, but having lived on minimum wage for many years I get by with very little and actually, it is freaking me out to even have more than $1.000 in my bank account. Five years ago I was in the red and my parents had to actually pay my rent for a few months. This is so ridiculous, but I had a nightmare where someone pointed a gun at me and told me to think of something to spend all the cash in my bank on and I couldn't, and woke up in sweat. I now check my balance several times a day, and I have become extremely cheap in that I dont even want to go on vacations anymore for 1) losing out on income and 2) seeing my balance go down. Fucked up, but this is some of the mental shit I now deal with - certainly a "nice" problem to have from the outside, but it's stressing me out.

    Another thing is that despite these occasional long days, I still have too much time. Especially on the weekend, I work maybe 5 hours in total, so there is still a huge void of time and like purpose to fill because I have nothing to do. Usually I watch youtube videos for hours on end, and maybe read a bit, go out a bit - but that's it. So again, nothing that is really healthy for my brain.

    The question I have been thinking about the most in recent months is "if I had to block out 3-4 hours every day and all my living expenses were paid for, what would I do with the other 10+ hours?" I have to say I am completely at a loss trying to answer that question and it's distressing and terrifying because I know I need to figure out an answer to really take the next step and get rid of my "20s self" and the shadows that are still following me around everywhere.
  11. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 3

    I am starting this counter with my most recent MO, I think I last watched porn the week before or something.

    Today I want to write a bit more about something that I occasionally have to deal with. When you have changed something about yourself, there are still moments when you revert back to your previous, old self - and for me those moments are quite difficult.

    This happens to me mostly with social skills. 5 years ago I was rather shy, nervous, the typical porn user who blushes when they pay at the register. Thankfully I have improved a lot and I have become much more confident and let’s say “collected” in social situations. But today I was “rabbit1.0” again - what bugs me the most is that it was a completely non-serious situation. I choked up talking to a 60-year old woman. Granted, I was really hit off guard as my mind was busy with something else, but still, I felt so bad afterwards, like a teenager.

    So I could analyze and reframe the situation in many ways, like 1) it’s in my head and she didnt even think anything bad about me 2) perhaps she even thought it was a nice interaction 3) I dont have to always be on and entertain or swoon everybody I ever meet. etc. etc.

    But I think it is even more interesting to go one step further. I often think “I will never be like that again” once I have improved something and gained a new skill and that somehow I will now be immune to slipping up ever again. So on the one hand, there is the idea of perfection and being perfect, on the other hand there is the idea that if I share the same behavior with my old self even once, that I will once again be my own self. But that is not true, for many reasons, one being that rabbit1.0 didnt have the ability to reflect on this in a mature way, that is not obsess with it and let this situation ruin my day or make me question everything.

    Another aspect of this is that sometimes it is necessary to completely change our environment because it will keep forcing us into situations where cant consciously act our new self and automatically revert back to our old ways. I will write more about this in the future because I'm trying to move abroad because I really think there are parts of my life that I simply wont be able to change here, most importantly social/girls, as I find it so hard to shed that part of my old self here where I spent all my teen years and the last 4-5 years, whereas on vacation or in any other city I've been to recently, I was simply rabbit2.0 without any effort.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  12. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Day 0 (MO) / Day 11 (P)

    Interestingly, I thought a little bit about my journal/the forum before MO’ing last night. It didn’t prevent me from relapsing, but it definitely got me out of autopilot mode for a moment. It seems that just by journaling again, I am already a bit more conscious about things.

    Day 0 (MO) / Day 12 (P)

    Not much to report.

    I am more conscious of toxic things in my life. One person in particular is causing me a lot of unnecessary stress and I want to cut them out of my life, but for certain reasons I need to do it gently.

    Also hurt my foot badly, I hope it’ll go away soon, but today I could barely walk, so that was depressing.

    I feel like being at a crossroads, I am waiting for some inner guidance on how to go forward from here.

    Professionally, there are two options going forward. First, I am still in the hiring process for kind of my dream job, a high paying position in a sunny climate...I am not sure how good my chances are, there are like 3 more interview rounds and I have only passed the first one. But no rejection yet, so that’s good.

    I am also looking for jobs abroad in my field every day. There is no pressure to go to a country I dont want to be in, but it’s a bit draining waiting for the right thing to pop up. I was in talks with several companies a year ago, but ultimately decided against it.

    The second idea is to get more education. There is a one year training course (sort of like an additional professional degree) that is quite costly. They won’t admit me to the full two year course because I lack the academic credentials, so I am not sure how much sense it would make to go for the lesser degree that it’s not as well recognized. So I am actually thinking about going for the full three year college degree and then putting this two year degree on top - neither of those are REALLY necessary at this point, but I am trying to think a bit further down the road, like say in 3-4 years.

    So sometimes all of this seems a bit daunting, but that’s not the right mindset. Right now, professionally things are actually better than ever before, so I should look at this from a point of opportunity or abundance or whatever. A big part of my doubts I think is based on my past self - I gave up these kinds of big, long-term projects like a degree several times in my life, so I am not as confident about seeing it through this time. Then again, I really believe I need to finish some kind of long-term project like this one time, precisely so I can kill that idea from the past.

    Day 0 (MO) / Day 13 (P)

    Good. Was able to solve a toxic situation, even with a better outcome than expected.

    Still couldn’t walk much, as I apparently overstressed my foot. Great.

    Also found out that my dream job hasn’t come through yet for one stupid reason: my current boss hasn’t got back to them to provide a reference. And my boss had said she would “gladly” do this ONE MONTH AGO. So stupid. I think she desperately wants me to stay and is trying to sabotage my plans. But now I am taking care of this situation.

    Mood is good, things are going fine for now, despite the occasional bump in the road.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  13. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Was going through old e-mails and saw some from YBR and noticed that I hadn't logged in since January.

    A lot has changed, almost everything positive. I had to chuckle when I was reading my last entry just now.

    hehe. well, the situation is different now. I have my own little company and I make more than I did with my old job + freelancing, and the work is less stressful, and I can improve a lot in the future (both skill-wise and money-wise). It's funny, really - I was waiting for someone abroad to give me a chance and to fulfill my dreams, but that was just not a good idea. Instead, I am making my own path now - I'll just go travelling on my own, on my own bill, I can work from my computer and I wont be dependent on some company abroad. It's all planned out, just have to wait for the Corona situation to die down a bit. The good thing is that I couldnt travel all year and have spent a lot of time in my parents' city this summer, so I have been saving like crazy.

    So in general, everything is looking up. But of course, this wouldnt be my shit-show journal (I actually just read some of my old entries again, holy shit what an embarrassment) if there werent some negative aspects, some problems. A real issue is my health now because I've become a bit of a workaholic since leaving my normal job in spring and have neglected the other areas of my life.

    Right now I cant / dont want to change too much about it (well, I have started taking a day off every week, to not go insane). But mostly I want to keep saving as much as I can in these times, and also focus on getting my health back on track the rest of this year, and also focus on studying foreign languages, so I can have a great trip starting January 2021, maybe 4-5 months.
    Rengaw and Pete McVries like this.
  14. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    So 6 months have passed since my last entry. Pretty crazy. It seems like there are even fewer new posts and activity on the forum than before, but it's good to have this place where my story is all in one place.

    Right now, I am not doing so well, the pandemic is really weighing on me at the moment, also because a lot of the people I am around are now getting fed up and more negative, so I don't really get a lot of positive or motivating outside input.

    My situation is actually quite good. Work has been phenomenal, I have been able to continuously raise my hourly rate and now I might get a second job that I can do on the side and perhaps grow into something bigger.

    My health is ok, I have been working out consistently for 4 months or so and I have been dieting since January 1, but only with a weight loss of 2 kg. My foot that I had surgery on last year is better on some days, worse on others. Not really great.

    PMO: no MO has been a disaster, just like last year. As for porn, I have watched it twice in the last two days and it pisses me off that I still cant let it go after all these years of trying to (at least since 2012). This year I think I've PMO'd once a week. Not terrible, but still ridiculous that I am still not over it.

    Social: No change here and this is the most frustrating aspect I think. I cant really do anything because of Covid and my travel plans are still on hold (since April 2020...). No girlfriend in sight, and the reason is very simple - I dont meet ANY girls. I dont think I've meet a new person this year actually. Maybe one of my distant neighbors (male), but that's it. It's frustrating because I really want to know how I would do in a different environment with more (younger) people and especially women. I think right now there is no reason why I cant find a girlfriend - but there is literally no opportunity for me to do anything about it. I don't want to get sucked into online dating again, I've always had bad experiences.

    One of the biggest issues I have in a more general sense is that I have stopped caring about a lot of things. Right now I am focused 80% on making more money and 20% on improving my health (Well, truth be told, 50% of my day I just waste lying around on my sofa and watching youtube or movies). I still daydream/fantasize about sex and having a girlfriend, but that's it. It seems like I have become a really dull person and it makes it hard to really find motivation to get up and do something to improve my life, other than for money and better health.

    A few weeks ago I watched an interesting video about doubling your income, like strategies and mindset and so on. What really struck me, however, was that I dont think my situation would improve that much. And with that potential new job I could probably increase my income by 40-50% this year, but I dont think that would change anything. If I doubled my income this year and somehow got to a place of good, sustainable health (mobility, foot, sleep, mental health, digestion) - well...I dont know if would be A LOT happier than I am now. Maybe. I guess we'll have to find out :D. The next few months I want to keep focusing on those two aspects and then when eventually the vaccines will be rolled out to everyone, I want to travel and put myself in a completely new environment where I can be rabbit2021 and not rabbit2013.
    Pete McVries likes this.

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