A month has passed since my last post. Time flies. I've gone home (to my apartment) for a few days before I'll join my family on vacation. Now, I've only been here on my own for one and a half days and my mood has deteriorated 100%, I PMO'd 3 times and have been on my computer all day. It was quite remarkable because in the first few hours yesterday, I got a huge amount of stuff done, but then I sort of became my old / usual me, doing nothing, procrastinating, withering away in front of my computer. I think I've come to the (somewhat sad / pathetic) realization that I can't continue living ("living") by myself in my apartment, away from my family and away from life basically. I've lived with my parents and my sister for almost three months now -- a long time, but I have to say I've rebounded and have started to feel better than in many years, had daily interactions, accomplished things (preparing lunch, doing the shopping etc). Now, obviously nothing has changed at the core; the improvement in my mood, energy, confidence and self-image was only at the surface, e.g. from doing chores, helping my family, being useful, being around people. The underlying, deep structural problems (both in my mind and in the real world, e.g. no job, no social life) remain. I mean, my family is really amazing and they put no pressure on me. But I feel like something needs to happen, some real change, not these little meaningless things like establishing a reading routine or exercising regularly again. Bullshit. More fundamental change. But still, as always, I dont really want this change. I am still operating from a position of self-hate and self-rejection. There are 2-3 guys on here whose journals I used to read and looked at again just now, who embody a completely different, more positive, pragmatic approach; sort of like being happy to embark on a journey, curious to discover, experiment, try out new things, make mistakes, learn things, and transform themselves and their life. With me, it's still just negative. I dont want to be fat (I have let myself go so badly, it's terrible) -- it's not "I want to be fit/healthy/learn healthy recipes/run a marathon/find out how muscular I can get/whatever". It's: I don't want to be how I am physically anymore; I hate my body, I don't want to look like I do any longer. That's my motivation. But I dont think this approach is sustainable at all. My history has shown this over and over. Eventually the negativity becomes too much and I will just stop the process of improving. This negative motivation is good as a start, to get things going, but eventually it runs out, and what's underneath the surface comes to light and it's always rejection, hate, feelings of inferiority, blame, regret. In other words, I will ride this wave -- stopping PMO, working out, continuing my frustrating low calorie diet until things break again.