Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I haven't been in contact with her for a few days, so I think that ship has sailed. I just couldn't get myself to do it.

    Your last part made me think...incidentally, I think the same is true for you and your situation.

    In my case, looking at my actual experience since last year and before that with my ex girlfriend, I have no issues with the dating process once I get the number/date. I was somewhat nervous before each date, but this has diminished greatly through experience and more importantly, once the date started, I was always relaxed, confident, talkative, funny etc. And I got laid on 3 out of 4 dates (the fourth being the infamous "your face is too feminine, I could never imagine kissing you" rejection ;D) and all enjoyed it and 2 fell in love with me. So there is no problem here, and I could see myself (to some extent) being successful that way, having plenty of dates and casual sex. Once I figure out how to get more numbers and dates, obviously, and can also replicate this with good-looking women.

    But anything beyond that is not in my reality and self-image. I am scared shitless of everything that happens after the first date. Meeting her friends or parents, going hand in hand through town, developing feelings (a major one for me), REALLY opening up (my strategy is kind of manipulative but effective, I open up very deeply and willingly about all the things I want to and completely and totally bury the rest...this makes me seem totally honest/trustworthy yet mysterious at the same time, for some reason that I dont understand, but it's obviously not real or sustainable or whatever). I'm really afraid of all of that if I am honest and that's why I'm always thinking of ways to avoid this situation and still get sex (first prostitutes, then this online dating/casual sex shit...).

    With the blonde girl...I was not at all scared or anxious about the meeting. I was scared about what could happen afterwards. First, she actually looked ok, so I was interested in more just based on looks, and second, I think her personality was ok and like "grown up", she had a job, actually had cool hobbies and interests and a personality. So yeah, I completely cock-blocked myself because I was scared that my desire to have a girlfriend could actually come true.

    Pathetic.

    In other news, my mood is better, though constantly on the edge as usual. I am obsessed with my diet again, which is a good thing, as it seems to keep my mind off negative things. I've also been thinking more about my goals, I will write about this later.
     
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Yes i share the same feelings. I put little roadblocks up for myself because the idea of having a nice girlfriend, having a sexual life, feeling love etc is such an abnormal thought for me. I am used to being independent and not having to think of someone else or developing a relationship outside of friendship.

    Any chance that comes along i destroy, avoid or sabotage to fit in with my own image of myself. Which is that i am an inexperienced guy with no dating prospects and PIED.

    Its toxic and i am not sure how to stop it other then possibly changing the way i think. I am pretty sure its all driven from my ego.
     
  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    At some point, I decided I am broken and flawed, and everything I have done or am trying to do now was to correct any flaws I have. This is a huge problem because some flaws I can't undo, mistakes have happened and so on. It is completely fucked up when my day was really successful yet I feel down at night because I am single. I see not having a girlfriend as a personal flaw.

    I've mentioned this before: if no one had sex or girlfriends, I would be almost completely fine with my own situation. Similarly, what I regret the most is not being able to say (to myself mostly) that I've had a lot of sex / girlfriends as a teenager or in my 20s now. It's like I am falling short of some number that I believe I would need to have to be normal amd not flawed, and I haven't reached it or can't ever reach it (e.g. have a girlfriend in my teens, which has given me so much fucking grief, even now that I am almost 30 years old).

    So I put little effort in. I think even if I got a really nice girlfriend now, it wouldn't be enough. I dont mean I want to have one night stands every week or something, but I want more, several girlfriends after each other, even just for 1 month at a time, so I can tell myself I've done it. Like, the one girlfriend I've had for a few months was quite hot actually, lots of guys were interested in her, but to me it doesn't even count. I'm a virgin in my eyes (sexually and relationship-wise), even after a few dates and one night stands and 25 prostitutes or so. Someone else might draw confidence from this, but I can only think that I am still behind some ideal I need to reach to be normal.

    So the task is extremely daunting to me and I've put it off for years now.
     
  4. I can't relate big time.

    Should we keep trying to catch a train we've missed though ? Maybe it's impossible and we're just ending up missing on other trains now (the present). But is it possible to accept and let go ? Not sure...
     
  5. lanister

    lanister Member

    @rabbit

    i know These thouhts, they are a result of low confidence in order fill up a whole. Most of the happy people i know who are in a long term relationship had also quite little experiences with different partners and are very confident with that. They don’t have the feeling that they missed something in their 20ies because they had fulfilling deep relationships with a loving partner.
     
  6. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Hard to really come up with anything to say.
    As usual, I build something, then tear it all down again in a short depressive episode.

    But to keep perspective: this autumn has been better than previous ones in terms of my mood and feelings of hopelessness and so on.

    Lately, it's come to my attention that I have absolutely no self-esteem at my core. So nothing completely new, but I think of me now as having some self-confidence that is real (and some that is compensatory and fragile arrogance), but below all that there is insecurity and low self-esteem and low "agency".

    Now, this is a gigantic project that I don't even have the slightest clue how to go about it. I've read the repair your self-esteem thread on here and the answers are just not good and don't even scratch the surface, it's just unhelpful self help mumbo jumbo. I mean, I have this book called "healing the shame that binds you", which I am confident would make this happen, but it first breaks you down completely and destroys you, so when I tried to read it a couple of years ago, I couldnt get past the first chapter (I think metal wrote about this book in his log ages ago too and recommended it to me). Maybe I'll give it another go, I'm masochistic after all.

    But I do know I need to be less negative about everything. So for the 123497239th time, a couple of good things every day.

    1. today was extremely good weather, and I spent much of it outside, had a great day celebrating my grandpa's birthday.
    2. I'm talking to one woman and might have a date with her tomorrow. I'm also talking to another one, maybe something will happen there too.
    3. I looked at pictures of me from when I was 19 (27 now) and I actually look better now. Like a lot -- when I saw those pics again, I was like "damn I was fucking ugly". Yeah. This completely blew my mind. I look at so many people my age, from my high school and in general, and they look like shit 10 years after graduation. And here's me, looking better with age. I dont know why but I find this really funny. And I can still look a lot better if I take better care of myself / lose some more weight / put on muscles / etc etc.
     
  7. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I have no idea.

    In rare moments, I get myself to forgive myself. I think about my past REALISTICALLY, meaning that I just look at who I was and how I just was not in any place to be in a relationship. I was just too much of a late bloomer, like ridiculously so. So then I think that it wasn't really realistically possible for myself at that time to do anything about it and get laid all the time or something.

    But it only works when I am very aware and everything. Most of the time I lie awake in bed and hate myself for this.

    And you are certainly right about time moving on. I've had the same hateful feelings towards myself about this 2 years ago when my relationship ended. 2 years gone, nothing changed (well, got some dating experience, but the core problem is still there).



    Maybe, yes. I really can't say how I would act in a really long-term relationship (so like 1 year for me). I could see myself (maybe) being somewhat happy, but I could also see myself suddenyl turning into an asshole and cheating left and right to make up for these insecurities. So the low confidence part is spot on, but it's been hard for me to change it as it is the case with most people with low self esteem I reckon.
     
  8. Hey man.
    It's been a long time since I visited here.
    What are you currently working on, in general? ;D
     
  9. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Hi man,
    mostly I try to get rid of fucking overthinking everything.

    I write down 2-3 tasks per day and try to get them done or make some progress on them. No high level bullshit (e.g. where do I want to be in 10 years) because that always fucks me up and depresses me, but just basic stuff like "buy new computer mouse", "work out", "donate blood", whatever. Small things that will still mean something today. Whenever I think too far ahead, I get discouraged (I hope this will get better eventually). One thing that is helping me ridiculously much is not going online first thing in the morning, but do something else for 15 minutes. Pretty crazy...Same thing (which makes more sense) at night time, do something for 30 mins before bed, no pc, no movies whatever.

    Anyways, I am not writing in this journal much these days...also due to this -- dont want to think so much. It's all been said and done. The things I dont know, I probably wont find out ever (how to be happy, for instance ;D ;D -- but does anyone really know? probably not, just some millionaire with hot girl bullshit and then they lose it all and kill themselves). Aaaand that's enough for today, starting to ramble.

    My mood is very good at the moment, on Day 5 of no MO. Have made good strides here, always gotten to day 4-5 since October, now I want more, as it does still make me feel better after all the no porn and whatnot.
     
  10. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Well...

    I haven't been on the forum for 4-5 months now. I just took a bath and somehow I feel like writing again.

    I am starting from zero. Literally.

    I had the worst depression in my life earlier this year and about a month ago I tried to kill myself. I didn't go through with it, but it was very close, and basically my parents came across the country in time and took me in. I've lived at my parents house for the last month or so now and I am feeling alright most days of the week now.

    Pretty sad, to not say pathetic, state of affairs.

    Porn wise (don't know what else to talk about right now), I've been watching it occasionally, like 2x a week or so. Some shitty MILF crap that I don't really enjoy and the whole thing is frustrating. I've also pretty much masturbated every day for months now.

    One thing that is good at the moment is that I've started to read more and study topics seriously. I read a good newspaper every morning, and my father has subscriptions to Science and other magazines that I can read as I pelase. This is my morning ritual now for a couple of weeks: get up, read for two hours while drinking tea or so. For too long I've skimmed stuff online or read drama / sensationalist outrage porn bullshit and stopped reading physical books or good magazines like I used to. I am also watching a lot of like educational tv, documentaries, and so on. For the first time in a long time I feel like I am getting smarter and not dumber day by day. This is definitely a good thing and I am starting to feel like I could learn and study something serious / professionally again (a lot of doubts had crept in over the years, which is ridiculous objectively speaking...but what is objectivity anyway).

    Let's see if I can catch up with some of the journals I used to read.
     
  11. TheAlpinist

    TheAlpinist New Member

    Welcome back.

    FWIW, I found this an eye opener. It made different thoughts I had come together. At first I was like, ok, another bullshit video but the more I watched the more it makes sense. Religion the ancient "noFap" community?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9vP-GwWBH8

    Don't MO. You know it makes you physically weak. Only depletes your energy.
     
  12. Welcome back man.
    If you need someone to talk to, I'm just a PM away.
     
  13. guardian

    guardian Guest

    welcome back loro,

    hope your depression is behind you. Good luck with your reboot.
     
  14. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    I'm very sorry to hear that.

    Have you become isolated?

    How's your social life?
     
  15. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Hey rabbit, sorry to hear from your struggle. Hopefully, you can rebuild yourself again in your parents' stable environment. Best of luck!
     
  16. tsmith1302

    tsmith1302 Active Member

    Sup brother. PM me if you ever want to talk :)
     
  17. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Thank you for all your replies.
    I don't have a lot to update, my mood is better. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts in two weeks or so, and even though it's still hard for me to be "life-affirming" and optimistic, I don't consider the other option as a realistic solution anymore.

    I am thinking a lot, without constant online noise and my distracting negative mental state, and it feels like I am making slight progress escaping out of my own prison. I might write some longer posts again, but I am afraid I might just repeat in seemingly new ways and with new words what I've mentioned plenty of times in my two long-ass journals here.


    I've watched a few minutes of it now and added it to my watch list.
    I used to read some hindu and buddhist teachings about abstinence, so maybe that is related.

    It was hard to muster the energy to keep up no PMO, so I just stopped. I still don't like porn and masturbation, but it's hard to keep up the motivation when everything else is falling apart.

    Thanks man, I appreciate it.

    Thank you. I don't remember you nickname "guardian", sorry. Did you change it?


    Hi UD,
    yes I've definitely been socially isolated when I dropped out of college about 5 years ago where I was still seeing some people regularly. I maintain a good relationship with my family, but it's not enough. I've thought about my behavior many times in the past because I am quite good socially and can make friends or at least acquaintances relatively easy, but I can never seem to put in the effort consistently (or at all nowadays. My parents host parties occasionally and I just go to my guest room before they start like some outcast ???).


    Thank you. It certainly is better than being on my own and in a downward spiral.


    Thanks T, it's nice to still see old faces on here.
     
  18. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I see this hot kindergarten teacher regularly when picking up my little half sister. It has never occurred to me to talk to her. Instead, I started to hate her in my mind and gave in to a frustration fap at home a couple of times.

    My mom's friend has two good looking daughters and apparently she told my mom she wanted to set me up with either. She might have been joking and it's not that easy logistically, but still, I didn't even consider asking about them or even taking one step into that direction.

    I am not even talking about "making a move" or something, but just doing something, starting a conversation.

    I think this is a big problem with watching porn from puberty on. It becomes the teenage boy's socialization in terms of women, and it is a very passive mindset. A lot of porn (or the kind I used to watch a lot) is where the man is really passive, lying on the bed and the woman coming on to him. The classic MILF scenario where she catches the young guy looking at porn or something. My favorite porn has always been blowjob POV and this goes deeper than just being attracted to that sexual act.

    Way back, we talked about this Tinder type serial killer here and I think gameover mentioned something about missing that sexual aggression that is normal for many other teenagers or men.

    I've talked about my lack of serious interest in online dating many times as well. When women replied to me or even asked to meet me, I was put off and had to force myself to agree to a meeting.

    I've never understood this. I thought it might have been due to not being that into them (or them being somewhat ugly :p). But why do I not even think about talking to that kindergarten woman? I am not afraid or shy, I can honestly say that. I know I can talk. I am not even afraid of rejection because I won't even go that far initially (I am just talking about making short conversation). I would think I might be afraid of success and having to go on a date etc., but that's bullshit too. I was afraid when I went on dates with my ex girlfriend, but I handled everything perfectly, so this shouldn't be a concern. I am not sure.

    Now, to end on a positive note. Talking about assertiveness, this can be learned and I believe I have gotten better at this; the last "date" from November with that handicapped woman (definitely a story for another post, though I wrote about her a bit before), I was already more assertive, confident etc. So maybe there is hope for me ;).
     
  19. TheUnderdog

    TheUnderdog Active Member Staff Member

    This is a major contributor to depression.

    Don't become isolated.

    BTW I think a girlfriend could do wonders to your current situation.
     
  20. guardian

    guardian Guest

    Never underestimate this. This could be the reason all the while. You could be up and running for a 10 but not a 6.
     

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