Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by rabbit., Nov 18, 2014.

  1. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    You wont get a 6 pack starving yourself. People with 6 packs eat more food than people who don't have them. If you starve yourself you will just lose all your muscle mass, then you will just be thin and flabby.

    Genetics and Drugs cant replace a solid diet and steady workout program. Everyone who says "yea but i tried that" never got results because they cheated too much and never listened to the advice people gave them because they are no it alls.

    Do you see a decent 6 pack here? He aint a can of tuna and an apple for a few months to lose all his weight after shooting batman. Looks terrible.
    [​IMG]

    I
     
  2. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    On Polish equivalent of 4chan there is this expression, which means "Handsome but fucked up".

    What I wanted to add last time is that most people hate freedom. Erich Fromm wrote about this in his "Escape from Freedom". Most people feel depressed if they have too much free time, we are bound to obey, if not people - then ideas. I recalled this when I finished my Master thesis, and suddenly I felt rested but empty. So Arbeit macht Frei after all.
     
  3. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I'm trying to think of something insightful or worth reading to post. But I can't. I often feel like I've said everything there is to say. :-X

    Nothing new, all new ideas I have are just repackaged old ones. I have psychoanalyzed myself to death, there is nothing to do anymore, no more rewriting (my) history.

    Lately I've been trying to get nyself to think more pragmatically, like what exactly do I want out of life? Not in an abstract value-based way or something, but very concrete stuff and like based on my past experiences.

    I cant say I have any idea about this really, but what I didnt understand for a long, long time (and still sometimes forget) is that I wont find the answer in what other people say or write, in some books or blogs or movies or whatever.

    Also, I remember someone on here writing that they were 27 or so and being nothing close to a pick-up artist, so they said if it had been meant to happen, it would have. I dont know if that makes sense, but it is a very important idea that I am starting to understand more and more as I get older: there is a gigantic difference between the things I think I could do and the things I actually want to do.

    Like, I could learn how to become a pick-up artist, the knowledge and strategies are out there, but realistically I can't because it's not who I am and I cant get myself to do all the things that would be required to get there. It's sort of like an introvert trying to become an extrovert. It is possible, it's all skills and atittude, but the person will face internal resistance at every step of the way, which will make it an impossible goal if we are realistic.

    I know all that marketing and promoting myself shit, but I can't realistically make myself post fake pics of myself on instagram and shit. I fail at online dating because the pics I took are some shitty selfies with my 10 year old camera. I know I could take some on the beach and use some filter and yada yada, but I cant make myself do it. It's not who I am and who I want to be deep down. It's not even conscious. I had trouble inflating my resume when I went into interviews 2 years ago for some insurance salemen position (me, an insurance salesman, LOL!!!). Didn't get the job/internship obviously.

    I dont know if any of this makes sense, but I am happy I overcame my writer's block after all.

    I will be going on vacation next week. I'm pretty excited, yet I also can't stop thinking about what's going to happen to me and my mental state once I am back (shitty).

    I think I should set myself some limit as to when I need to get better or else medication. I did this with therapy last time, like if things dont get better in 6 weeks, I'll make an appointment. Ok.
     
  4. Newnes

    Newnes Well-Known Member Staff Member

    There are huge limits to self-psychoanalysis. Your mind will always prevent you from seeing blind spots - this is where counselling or psychedelics or meditation (and even then, discuting the practice would be beneficial) help.

    I don't have the answer either, but I think it's a great step forward to understand that it can't be brought to you on a silver (televised) plate.

    Keep going :)
     
  5. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    just a quick check in from vacation.

    I'm trying to use the Internet as little as possible and quite successful so far, though the withdrawals are extreme (mostly in terms of sleep disruption).

    I don't really know any general cool crazy insight to post, so just some random shit on my mind.

    - I'm in Spain and the girls are RIDICULOUSLY hot. it's fucking insane, I have never seen anything like this before (or maybe I am too sexually frustrated, but I doubt it).

    - nobody cares about what I do. This is very obvious and one of those "duh" things, but to see it in practice is another thing. People in my hotel were by the pool and I just did some stupid pool walking/rehab exercises, which made me very self conscious in the beginning, but nobody cared or even looked. Today I did my yoga / squat stuff on an open field visible by everyone, again nobody cared. Everyone is busy with their shit, so not doing something bc of what others might think is ridiculous.

    - something that has shaken me up a bit: I was driving with my friend and was totally stressed out because it was night, a new car, and a new country with different traffic rules etc., but my friend, who is very calm, commented on how CALM and collected I appeared to be. total mindfuck because I was nervous as fuck inside. I don't know what to make of this.

    - I am so fucking determined to get a better body, it's not even funny anymore. I've improved my looks a lot, I've mentioned it before, but now in summer clothes I look quite good actually. And now I want more...

    - I'm really surprised how little I actually care about all this online business. all the youtube, instagram, Facebook shit, it's all bullshit, even the people I thought I was interested in. When I have something to do, some sight to see or whatever, I don't even care about this shit. It's just mindless crap and filling the void of boredom and not having anything important or meaningful to do.

    - my financial / job situation has finally hit a wall and I need to do something / make a real significant change or shit will the fan for good. It's depressing and daunting, I don't know if I can manage to do this. Lots of internal shit again, what am I gonna do, sit in class with 17-18 year olds again when I am 27? blah blah

    - noise, noise, noise. It's all noise, all that shit, youtube fitness videos, all those debates about nutrition I've read and blah blah. really, I can't stress this enough, but again, I know this every time I am on vacation away from all this poisonous shit that has been my life ever since I left/quit college 5 years ago and has fucked me up, all this Internet shit, but then I forget and get drawn back to it again. like overeating and junk food, you might know it's unhealthy and blah blah, but like a rat, you go back to get your electric shock.

    - my mood is better, but I have to work sooooo fucking hard to stay on top of things in my head, it's a constant battle to not space out and get depressed even when I am with my family at the dinner table or something. I'm trying to do relaxation / hypnosis again, but can't really get a continuous practice going, same story, when I do it, it's good, but I never do it consistently enough for it to stick.

    that's enough rambling for now.

    Blind spots, maybe, I know the idea, like the eye can't see itself, but I consider myself very self-aware. I think it's more logic that is the problem. There is a concept in philosophy that you can defend your moral position from any argument, and every discussion is basically moral, unless it's about pragmatical things or whatever. I've had this problem with all my therapists so far, I was just too strong in logical and rational thinking that I was able to reject most of what they said, but maybe it would have been better to just try and apply or something.
     
  6. swedennofap

    swedennofap New Member

    Just wanted to check in on you man! Did not have the time to read throw all your posts. But it seems like you are doing great progress which I think you earn after all this workload spent into improving.

    If you have some extra time to kill I would suggest you have a look at the movie "Limitless", fucking awesome. I see some similarities already!
    About the sexual frustration, just wait until you are on your top, you will have to work for it as you know but damn! I have been fucking so many girls this autumn and know that I can probably fuck any girl. Beside that I have meet a super hot/nice girl. She is one of a kind and all of my sexual instincts are basically gone. I care to much about her to even wanting to fuck her, I dont get turned on porn anymore and dont have any desires at all. Well lets see how long this last, but still, sex is the least important thing in my life right now.. probably because I can get it whenever I want.

    Again, the last post of yours was damn nice to read! I see you are on the same road as I was for the whole spring and for me it turned out pretty well.... I will be waiting for you on the finish line ;)!
     
  7. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I'm trying. It's hard, now being back home and 2 days after my vacation, depression hit me really bad last night. As I was lying in bed feeling like shit, I burst out laughing about how ridiculous it is that I can go from being super happy, confident, relaxed to suicidial in 48 hours. Totally ridiculous.

    Today I feel better. It's really the evenings and nights that always get to me.

    But I'm trying, I have to. I had some good talks with my stepdad on vacation and I have a better idea now what I have to do to get better. I will give myself till the end of the year and then it's time for anti-depressants.

    My vacation itself was absolutely amazing, best time I've ever had (seriously) and I have learned A TON. It was quite eye opening, learned a lot of things about myself, wrong self image (too bad) etc.

    One small thing I've been doing is a kind of breathing meditation.

    Ever since I found out about meditation a few years ago, I thought the way it was often taught is too complicated, too structured. Like, sit in a lotus position or lie down, put your hands by your side, sit on a cushion blah blah. Too structured. I was always more interested in ad hoc meditation, sitting on a crowded, noisy bus and feeling anxiety rising in your body -- what are you going to do about it? That's when you need to be able to "meditate", but if you're only used to a set context (loose clothes, a darkened room, a calm solitary environment, sitting in a specific pose), it's going to be difficult or maybe even impossible, as it's hard to remember things when you're stressed and the context has changed considerably.

    Then a few weeks ago I saw some study where they basically had people take three deep breaths and their stress levels and anxiety were significantly reduced. Just by taking three breaths.

    So that's what I've been doing for a week or so now -- whenever I feel a slight bout of depression or panic coming up somewhere in my body, I immediately breathe a few times.

    Yesterday I tried to go further and do this breathing "meditation" while taking a walk and it was really good.

    I think this is easier than traditional meditation where you need to focus on a mantra or a candle or even your breath. I dont focus on my breath going through my nostrils or something, I just make sure I breathe deeply and normally and continue walking or observing what happens around me. I dont care about my thoughts, I might think or not think anything, I dont let them pass by as clouds or anything, it doesn't matter. I think if you have to focus on your breath AND keeping out all thoughts (or "observing" them), it is one step too much for beginners. The way I do it, I get the physical relaxation just from breathing and dont have to do anything or concern myself with the content of my thoughts.

    I hope that makes sense.


    On a final note, I started online dating yet again (yes, my head and the concrete wall, we like each other) and it appears that I have a date on Thursday with a big busted blonde that has already sent me nude pics. I dont count on it, 3 days is a lifetime in online dating, but whatever. I am too much of a pussy to do the real thing instead of online (at which I might even do alright, my family commented on how girls were all over me on vacation and one time I actually noticed it myself, pretty funny...ok..).

    At least I have found my voice again and dont have writers block anymore ;D ;D ;D.
     
  8. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    I can relate to that post vacation depression. This summer after coming home from spain, I was depressed for a week or so after getting up to be productive again. And best of luck for your date!
     
  9. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    I know your situation very well. Through the years I tried to put my finger on this phenomena. I never knew why there are weeks (as if in one week max), when everyone chats you and wants you. Like there could be months when nobody wants to even look at you (let's specify, it's about online interactions, at least I have knowledge about it), then there is one week when you can set up five dates. Then next weeks nobody even remembers you are alive (unless you actually went to dates). I call it mating season. When I was younger I thought it was my pickup skills, momentum or something, but now I just call it "good weather", because during those "mating seasons" I asked several people about what I noticed and most of them agree that "everybody is writing to me too". Some people may not be sitting whole day on facebook/dating sites like me, so they may not even discover any change. I don't believe in supernatural bullshit, but this one thing I can't explain scientifically. Maybe something with the moon? Maybe sun emits some explosion waves that change human behaviour? Maybe it's unique combination of weather, air pressure, humidity?

    Another, different thing. Reading all those journals, I definitely notice that people with 40-50-60+ days usually have some thing going for them in the dating/eyefuck department, just like "benefits" have another gear, that is only turned on after prolonged time. Maybe it's time for us to actually reach this shit?
     
  10. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    I recognized great increase in resilience since abstaining from PMO. Since abstaining I haven't felt depressed or hopeless which was something I felt for 1/3-1/2 of the week. But the "superpowers" only lasted for a short amount of time. I'm looking forward to hearing about how your dates went. Have fun ;)
     
  11. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    maybe it's due to aging?
    I remember my first attempts, when two days of abstinence would make me almost crazy
    Now I think one week is minor nuisance
     
  12. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Date 1 went well, got two blowjobs. But it was a very intense, deep experience, I learned so much, it was a bit over my head...in fact, I am not ready to really write about it, just that basically I had to gently reject a really nice girl who got dealt a bad hand in life and has been exploited all too many times. I could have very easily strung her along as a fuck buddy too (unbeknownst to her). I actually hope we can be friends in the future. First time I ever rejected someone, so this was new and uncomfortable, but I think I did a good job.
     
  13. snk

    snk Member

    I know this all too well, mate. I'd like to think of myself as a good person, but there may not be anything altruistic behind rejecting someone like that at all, at least in my case... I just don't find people that are emotionally hurt or unstable at the moment very attractive. And yeah, I don't feel like exploiting someone's weakness. Sad thing that I discovered is that girls that would let you do all that crazy porn shit to them in bed are mostly people like that. I've declined few possibly very porn-like experiences because of this. And I don't regret a single one. It's a right thing to do. Good job!
     
  14. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    You are definitely right about this and I think both this selfish factor and wanting to treat the other person with respect can co-exist.

    That's what I never got about pick-up or all these manipulation techniques like NLP. They work, which is exactly the problem for me. I mean, I talk to lots of insecure girls online (well what else can I attract, I am fucked up myself) - and it is SUPER easy to make them feel guilty and shitty and wanting to do things for you. Like I said, this girl from today I could have easily kept as a fuck buddy and make her think I am interested in her. Push und pull works, but techniques like that fucking disgust me exactly because they are so easy. Rejecting by text or facebook message is a joke and it appalls me that people do it all the time nowadays. Respectfully rejecting someone like I tried to do today...holy shit, that is hard.

    My ex was the typical LSE girl (or whatever the acronym was): low self esteem...So there were trillions of chances for me to exploit her insecurity, but I always opted for trying to raise her self esteem and make her feel better about herself and stuff (totally in vain in the end lol). Since then I've often wondered whether that made me a typical nice guy. I am still unsure how to handle these insecure girls online and whether I am too nice. I dont know.

    All I know is that the girl just wrote me saying she felt really good around me and for the first time in a long time didnt feel exploited and any woman would be lucky to be with me and she would like to stay in touch with me.

    And yeah, that makes me feel fucking good, so maybe I am a selfish nice guy after all ;D
     
  15. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Nope, I meant single libido thing. It's possible that fapping each day raises your max libido, while lowering your current libido, so nofap accumulates sexual energy very fast. I mean, if we tried this thing when we were without any wrinkles (19-22 y.o.) it would probably be crazy experience. Some people swear that zinc supplementation during no fap makes things "very hard". I can see potential here

    Anyway, how easy is to forget good/bad days! It's like you can't even recall memories of your mood. You can't remember mood, you can only change your current mood(by thinking about ex or past things for example - and connecting them to today by meaning how they influenced your nowadays life). But you can't remember memories of your best day in strict sense. Maybe we actually improved our lives exponentialy, who knows. BTW, they day you had single girlfriend (easy to get) and stable job (not that hard to get), you would be considered "normal" by 90% of people. Who knows how many fucked up people live there, and we are envious of their "sane" mind.

    Also, I think that people like us have extreme hurdles at the beginning, and beginning only. It's like our skill floor is lower than most people while skill ceiling tops them. For example, I almost got a job at hotel. When I considered what I would have to do in that job, I was extremely anxious and low self-esteem (and manager sensed that), but now when I think of it and evaluate actual employees, I would easily best all of them after like... two weeks? We are cars that are very slow to accelerate, but with one of the best top speed.

    Last but no least - depression thing (connected to hotel work example). I think our depression is caused by different personality. I mean, most people who take antidepressants - shouldn't. If only other people understood how "weird" people personalities work, those people would fare much better and be much happier. I mean, vacations show that. We are normal, but we are from different planet or we are minority. I still believe in "chemical imbalance" thing though.
     
  16. snk

    snk Member

    Good stuff, good stuff. One more thing I wanted to add regarding not exploiting insecure girls:
    It happened to me few times - they were instances of a girl literally sucking on my fingers while we both were half-naked and a bit drunk in bed (was she indicating something?) and a girl spreading her legs in front of me. I didn't fuck neither of them, but didn't make big of a deal of it, and was honest about my reasons (girlfriend mostly) and I always added that I totally would. Both became one of the best friends I now have. They really... sounds strange, but respect me. Getting laid is portrayed like this huge win no matter what, but what does matter. Getting laid is a loss sometimes. I don't think you can ever learn more respect from a woman then by rejecting her, hehe.
     
  17. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    I've been struggling a bit after the orgasms. My mood has been a lot worse, I'm a bit depressed too.

    Diet and work out are really shitty at the moment.

    I am not motivated by online dating at all now. I still have this one blonde woman I've mentioned in my contacts, and she tries to talk to me every day, but I can barely get myself to respond. I mean...she wants to meet me and she is almost begging for it, but I cant get myself to do it. I've had this feeling sooooo many times in my online dating history before...I believe I realized why over the last few days, but this post is already too depressing.

    I mean...it's all just in my head. I dont remember who on here mentioned this before, but when you're single for a long time, it starts to mess with your head and you put being in a relationship on a pedestal, it's not even funny anymore.

    I've done that forever because I am basically forever alone ;).

    Seriously though.

    Whenever I visit my grandparents, I am fucked up afterwards because there is much labor and shit and my fragile girly hands are not used to it, and for a long time after these vitis I was picturing in my head how nice it would be to come home to someone and tell them about my day and get some sympathy blah blah. So these two women I was talking to, they wanted to know about my day and blah blah -- I was not interested one bit. Actually, I was really glad I could turn off my computer and not have to talk to them but just watch some TV show and be by myself.

    I mean, seriously. There is this perfect girl I found on facebook, literally 100% my type, and if I think about her coming over to my home now, it doesn't even put a smile on my face.

    But if I think about my last vacation with my family and good friend, I am smiling from ear to ear. When I think about the next time I will be seeing my family over Christmas and how I am already planning activities for all of us (as they'd usually be too lazy and stay in, but if I suggest something, they suddenly want to join) -- I am fucking excited about this. My grandma has had this long held wish to see this one museum and I am so excited that I will be able to drive her there. My best friend who lives in a different country wants to visit me next year and I am planning a cool road trip type of thing and it's on my mind every day. I am excited about this.

    I know this is supposed to be good and sexual sublimation and blah blah (maybe), but it is frustrating and scary because for a long time all I was able to think about is sex and having a girlfriend, and I am starting to be really afraid that it wouldn't change one bit about my life (like that probably stupid idea I've had, that I would be able to focus on my goals and issues if my need for orgasm is taken care of ::)). I mean, yes, MAYBE it would be a different story if I had an actual girlfriend that I liked and who was cute and whatever, but I dont know. I wont find them in online dating lol, so there is little chance of this happening.

    Anyways, enough ranting and emo shit for today.
     
  18. wojtekoxx

    wojtekoxx One-armed bandit

    Orgasms with women or with hand?

    That was me when I was fapping, after initial two hours of being extatic I only wanted to just get some nudes from them to fap to
    Nowadays I trick my mind into believing "we will make it work". Also, nowadays instead of thinking "it won't work", I'd opt into exploiting honeymoon two months phase and reaping the cream off the top, then dumping her, instead of chatting her for one year and having several dates/sex.

    . It's a label you made for yourself to have an excuse. Your hands are perfectly fine and you can use gloves
    You won't find in online dating? I met great people only there. Another excuse that you will reinforce in your head ad nauseam, and make your mind circlejerk over it, find articles to prove it(roosh?)
     
  19. rabbit.

    rabbit. Member

    Let's put my conundrum this way:

    A year ago, I had trouble even getting responses online. Then I got a blowjob from an absolute whale.

    Now I get some responses and more are leading to dates than before, but from women I don't like, don't fancy, am not horny about, and don't want to be with. The quality of women has increased quite a bit, I would say they are slightly below average looking / maybe average instead of complete shit now.

    But still the women that are totally my type and who I want...they won't even talk to me / are out of my league (yeah yeah I know, limiting beliefs, but it is how it is right now I think).

    Like, girl1 with the blowjobs keeps saying she likes me and how good looking and funny and charming I am. I dont fancy her. I am not even interested in fucking her, which I could do easily. Girl2 (blonde, big tits) has initiated contact every day for two weeks and seems to like me...but I cant get myself to meet her or put ANY effort into it.

    It frustrates me, as I am sure anyone can imagine.

    I am considering whether my standards are too high, given that I am completely unstable and don't have a lot going for myself, but I dont think it is outrageous of me to want to have a girlfriend that is slightly more attractive than a 4/10 and who I am attracted to.

    I dont know if it's my strategy or if online dating is a losing game in general for me. There are too many guys who write the good looking ones and online I am not sure I have much of an advantage (everyone is confident and everything online). But I realized during the last date that my LONG-held insecurity that I am cool with people online and a loser in real life is not true at all. Let's say I had one somewhat traumatizing experience in this regard that I need to get over completely, and last week's date helped.

    So...rabbit, once again coming to the same conclusion on a topic that I've come to hundreds of times before...if I want a good looking girlfriend that I am not disgusted by and who I am genuinely attracted to, I need to get into normal, regular dating, not some online bullshit.


    Regarding everything else, my mood has been worse the last few days, autumn/winter is coming full force. I've upped my vitamin D to 10,000 IU a day, I dont know if it is helping. I am trying to take a walk every evening, which is very good for my mood, but it is so hard for me to find the energy to do it. I am on the verge of insanity as usual, but so far I have managed to stay somewhat mindful and slightly optimistic. A couple of things next year are definitely giving me something to look forward to and I am also thinking about my goals and what I would like to do and achieve and so on and a few things are a little bit interesting and exciting to me, so this is nice. I will try to write about that more instead of this crying bullshit, but whatever, it's my journal :-X.
     
  20. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Sounds a little self sabotaging. You should really meet up with the blonde girl if shes keen, but it doesn't fit in with your image of yourself at the moment so its not congruent for you which is why its hard to put effort in.
     

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