Hi snk, thank you for your reply. When I first found out about nihilism 7 years ago, which you allude to, it led to the worst depression I've ever had. It made absolute sense, but it completely destroyed me (to this day I tend to think), I didn't go out for three months except to buy groceries once a week, dropped out of college, watched TV all day, didnt shower or shave, stayed up til 8am, woke up at 6pm etc. I was never able to take that next step that you mention, from "fuck, it's all pointless" to "it's all pointless, yay, I can do whatever I want!!!". I fear that I have changed my brain and my beliefs too deeply that I cant get out of that anymore. Too much resistance, too much logic maybe. I was in therapy for a while last year and my therapist said 1) I have an answer/retort for everything 2) I allow her to come close a tiny bit, then immediately push her away. Ultimately I stopped going because she wanted me to commit to a full therapy plan, but I dont commit to things, so that was that. I've thought about going to therapy several times since, but I doubt it would help. I would need someone who can really destroy the wall I've put around myself and I dont know if such a person even exists. I would maybe be interested in some yogi or other type of spiritual guru who doesn't use logic in his teachings (bc I can get around it via words and thinking), but just....drugs I guess ;D or dancing or music/drum circles or some shit where I can't put up that much resistance. Anyways, I know what you mean in regards to the comparison game (once you play it, you've already lost), but I think my self-worth (not self-esteem or self-confidence) is so pathetically low that I cant see any good things anymore. I would love to believe in quantum leaps, those big jumps that make you reach a better place quickly, but I cant remember if I have ever experienced this.