Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by boogaloo, Aug 25, 2014.

  1. boogaloo

    boogaloo Member

    Welcome to my new journal. I closed my old journal, which was focused around numbers and stats, and start a new one where I can do some serious soul-searching instead.

    One and a half years ago, I was in a bad state, but I did not know. I had accepted an new well-paying job in a new city and everybody congratulated me on my success. I was 26, my last sexual experience was 2 years old, and I did not have many friends in the new city. The job was good, the environment was okay, but I felt horrible. I was lonely but in denial. To block out my loneliness, I tried to escape reality. I drank a lot - I was not an alcoholic but I remember coming back from work and drinking half a bottle of whine on a semi-regular basis. I was smoking a pack a day. And I watched porn daily. I also escaped into video games and TV series.

    Then, out of pure luck, I ran into the most wonderful girl. Somehow she fell in love with me and she allowed me to have new trust in myself and in life. ED problems showed up, I discovered this website, I quit porn and cigarettes. At the same time, I went to doctors to get myself checked out, and one of them subscribed me an ED pill. At the time, I was practicing with my then new girlfriend and it got better and better. I remember that around day 40 of no-P (only made it to day 17 of no-M), we were somewhat successful in having sex. The next time, I took (without telling her) the ED meds and sex worked great from then on.

    Naturally, I decided that I could now try porn again and on day 47 my streak was over.

    This was one year ago. Today, the relationship is as good as it ever was, and sex is great, except for my DE (which makes sex strenuous for both of us from time to time). However, I was never able to abstain from porn again for more than 10 days since that first streak. I have to take ED pills every single time though.

    The question that I want to answer right now is, am I really addicted to porn or is some other problem the root cause of my porn habit? I don't want to make up excuses here, I am trying to look for causes. I read a very well-written, must-read account [1] of a guy who discovered that porn was his way of breaking out of his failing marriage. In that post, he suggests that you have to change your life, or at least your perception of life to quit watching porn.

    Part of the reason for that is certainly, that we are in a long-distance relationship, which makes me depressed enough that I seem to be relapsing into porn. I often see that I relapse on Sunday or Monday after a weekend with my girlfriend. Sometimes, the same thing happens after Skyping with her. For a long time, I thought that this was caused by being horny, but I recently realized that I am actually depressed in these moments - what I desire is not sex but a hug, but all I have is porn so I take it.

    The other reason may be, that I still don't take care enough of myself. I spend most of my time working, trying to become physically fitter, and doing things with my girlfriend, often to make her happy. However, I live in an apartment much worse than I could afford, I do not do much other than working and doing sports so naturally, I only have work and sport friends. Sport, work, girlfriend, that may make up an okay life, but I tend to forget myself.

    On a side note, I believe that there is reasonable doubt that Gary Wilsons theories are actually correct. I am not an expert, but I have seen experts disagreeing with him. But in the end, this does not matter for me - there are so many reasons to quit porn, and in the end it does not matter if porn actually causes physiological changes to your brain or if this whole thing is entirely behavioral.

    I don't have time to continue writing this post - I hope I can get back to it soon.

    [1] http://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/23os97/the_experience_of_someone_two_years_porn_free/
     
  2. LittleGeneral

    LittleGeneral New Member

    Hey man! Just started reading your journal. This tidbid caught my eye. Could you provide any references to that? Personally, I think Gary Wilson is on to something. I can't prove if his scientific explanations are correct, but the physiological results that I noticed on myself after doing exactly what he prescribes (abstinence from PMO) speak for themselves. I wasn't able to get hard with an actual girl during my heavy PMO-phase. Even ED-drugs wouldn't help. But lo and behold when I quit P, my erections came back, just as he predicted. And inversely, when I PMO again, I can't get it up with a real woman after. I don't think it takes much more proof than that to see that the man is right. Sounds stupid, I know, but hundreds of thousands of men have experienced the same and written about it here and on reddit and on so many other sites - can they all be wrong?

    When I moved to into a new city where I knew nobody, I used this a lot: http://www.meetup.com/ You type in your city, browse by activity, and then you just go and show up. Works fabulously! You meet a lot of interesting and outgoing people.
     
  3. mnkyspanker

    mnkyspanker New Member

    :)Keep upthe good work man, im on day 148 its possible. Remember porn addiction is a secondary problem that you are overcoming. You were trying to fill a void perhaps you were depressed. You need to look at the bigger picture of improvement and set yourself some powerful life goals that will bring the best out of you. Set a parameter to use as a point of reference to check the quality of your life. this is what I use:

    1- develop a life philosophy that works for you
    2-share thoughts with a trusted mentor/friend
    3-eliminate work on fears on your life
    4-have hobby that you can fall back on
    5-balance life dreams with actual action
    6-dont avoid problems/difficulties
    7-exercise moderately
    8-love wisely
    9-be patient
    10-dont let problems sink you

    dont make the same mistake that i did of becoming a self-improvement literature jinkie and staying stuck in theory for years and not taking action, remember a man is like a bike he falls off to the side if he is not moving forward toward a destination
     
  4. DarkVamWolf

    DarkVamWolf New Member

    I believe that this is happening. That's cool
     
  5. mnkyspanker

    mnkyspanker New Member

    Well fear 2 things, think about the other side of the fear what you are going to gain(promotional thinking), rather than what can possibly go wrong(prevention thinking), and just face it exposure is the best therapy for fear because its the only real way you can disprove your irrational thoughts by comparing it to reality. heares a helpful website succeedsocially.com
     
  6. Jigar

    Jigar New Member

    Congrats for jumping back in.
     
  7. lesliejohnson

    lesliejohnson New Member

    @boogaloo,

    I suggest you to examine the root reason of your relapse. Carefully identify what emotional state is at the moment that you decide to relapse.

    I used to thought sexy picture or video were my only triggers. I was able to avoid sexy pic & vid but I ended up relapsing because whenever I felt stressed or unhappy about life, I relapse.

    Once I understood that I relapse when I'm in low mood, I have been able to catch my thought before it was too late.
     
  8. RoryMac

    RoryMac Guest

    Have you had successfull sex without any ED pills before, when you wrote that?
     
  9. boogaloo

    boogaloo Member

    I am at 3 days and 13 hours. I am already a bit proud of myself.

    I have just started to watch three TED talks. Unfortunately I am too much of a skeptic to believe in that stuff. For example, this:

    https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tedx-talk-sex-porn-manhood
    Seriously, watching porn makes you a rapist???


    I don't buy the whole porn-is-exactly-like-prostutituion-and-alsways-exploitive narative.


    The start sounded interesting, but sombody who aims to "have interpersonal connections transcending human understanding" or whatever, I cannot take seriously.

    I found this article relatively convincing....
    http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-35651737

    ->> Porn is not strictly an addiction, because reaction to cues is decreased, on increased in addicts
    ->> 170,000 reddit followers speak a clear language, that this remains a problem.
    ->> "When you're addicted to porn, you'll feel the opposite. Sex is great, but it doesn't compare to porn." -- that's roughly how I feel

    Here is my interpretation of how to combine science and experience here. Porn is not a classically addictive substance, but it does not have to be to explain our experience. There is no natural gambing drive, cocaine drive, but there is natural sex drive which is strong enough to keep your desire active to search for something that is sufficienly arousing every day. Porn usage will lower your arousal levels, making normal sex impossible. Bam, no contradiction at all with science.
     
  10. boogaloo

    boogaloo Member

    It's been four years. I will do another attempt.

    Here is my situation:
    - ED pills starting to not work.
    - Difficult sex-life; very little sex at the moment.
    - Had greatly reduced porn last year (from daily to ~once a week), now, it is increasing again.

    The strategy is going to be - no masturbation, and no visual arousal from images. I cannot eliminate avoid arousal from real people completely, since I am around naked women from time to time.
     

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