Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Morpheus, Feb 3, 2021.

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  1. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    Day #1
    Trying to get off porn and stop masturbating. Started watching porn when I was around 13 and haven't stopped (tried to for 5 years straight but keep relapsing) gonna turn 21 soon. I usually lurk on forums but decided to make an account to start journaling and take accountability. Ive made a lot of excuses along the way. I have ton of brain fog, feel shit on a daily basis, my sleep schedule is fucked, failed most of my papers, i'm unfit and eat junk food regularly.

    Goals(overall)
    -Stop watching porn/masturbating
    -find a hobby
    -get fit(exercise)
    -fix diet
    -meditate
    -get off reddit and youtube
    -read more
    -fix sleep schedule
    -write in journal daily(online and physical)
    -study more/improve grades

    Goals for tommorow: Clean my room, apply to uni courses,make a daily plan, finishing reading book and update this journal.
     
    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  2. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    Ive relapsed countless times since my last post. I havent done everything i've wanted to do either. I applied for my papers late so some of the classes were already full so I couldn't get into the classes I needed to take for my degree, I havent studied either so im behind on my programming aswell. I have braces, having them your are post to floss other wise you get plaque and your gum start to recede(they dont grow back) which they have, went to the store today and bought some floss, i need to write a daily routine so i can start changing my lifestyle around, I just deleted my porn collection that I had saved, well i was deleting all I could think of was that i was gonna regret it his in the future, also cancelled my vpn i need to change that mindset.

    The biggest problem for me right is dealing with my triggers and urgers. If im up late at night ill instantly go to porn as i think it get me to sleep, I get lost into it for a few hours as I binge. Also when my urgs trigger they remain in my in my head for the whole day unless i relapse( i cant think straight as theres always the urge in the back of head).
    The prominent Triggers I have noticed over the past days is boredom, staying awake at night and youtube/being on my phone (due to my sleep schedule). To deal with these I've started meditating using a meditiaiton video on youtube, to counter boredom i was gonna go to the local library or the college however I cant due to the lockdown, i'm planning to study or chill in my parents garden to get me out of the room. All i need is my laptop and the wifi can reach it which is good. I've slowly started reading aswell but not as much as ive wanted too. i've started reading single issue comics as they're easier read and that they'll get me into the habbit of reading. I also need to get into the habbit of doing things right away instead of procrastinating on them, i know its due to anxiety but i need to change my mentality to fix this i just need to get in the habbit of starting thing right away. I started listing to "background" music on youtube (lofi) which helps me concetrate. However i've started to listening to "background" music laptop or playstation using spotify, this will help me stay focused and relaxed. Started using a website blocker aswell to block reddit, ive changed the settings so when reddit the blocker instantley closes the tab instead of the website blocked page, I havent blocked youtub as i dont get lost in it on desktop as i do on my phone. Also due to the lockdown i dont need my smart phone so im gonna switch to my flip phone, just need to download outlook on my laptop to catch up with emails. My friends comunicate with me through messenger on my phone but ill just have to do it through my browser. Gonna start using typing trainer tool (keybr) to if i ever get bored or have urges, im gonna have it on the bookmark bar so i can easily acces it.



    Morning(routine)
    • Wake up
    • brush
    • shower
    • breakfest
    • get dressed
    • catch train or get ready for online classes(make sure recording app is up and running)

    Recources or links I haved used:

    Meditation:
    Reading:
    Music:
    Typing trainer: https://www.keybr.com/
    Website blocker: https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/leechblock-ng/
     
  3. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    Relapsed today, had urges in the morning. I know were I messed up it was my phone I changed sims back to my smart phone because it was easier to text. Im gonna give the smart phones to my mum to keep for month or week probably tell her I'm trying to get off the internet managed to study for brief period of time but I started procrastinating, i've have done this before and it worked. I visited several shopping websites and news websites. I started doom scrolling through the news websites which just made things worse as most of it was negative stuff. I added news websites to the website blocker list. If I need to catch up with news ill just listen to the radio or just watch recap on live tv instead. Im gradually starting to wake up early but I keep snoozing my alarm. Still eating random junk food around the house too.
     
  4. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    I just had a cold shower cause I had urges coming, holy shit did my urges go away. Pretty sure it was due to the shock of the cold water but it worked for me. I've relapsed three times today, was about to be a fourth one but the cold shower thing worked.
     
    Krebs likes this.
  5. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    The bad: I didn't post anything in the last few days as i was too embarrassed, I had relapsed so many times over the passed few days, I even paid for porn. Im behind on my course work and I've fallen into old habits.
    I messed up my sleep schedule cause i keep submitting my labs late and been staying on YouTube. I haven't been following my the plan I've made, my heads all over the place. I have so much to say but i honestly cant put it into words properly.
    Ill write a more detailed post when my heads in the right place.

    The good: Signed up for a internship thing and went to a workshop for programming. I also managed to talk to some people with out stuttering much.

    I've been way to easy on my self and honestly haven't been pushing myself as hard as I should.
     
  6. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    I've come to the realization that porn addiction is not the only thing that's a problem with my life and I need to stop blaming it for the way my life is right now, it may be a huge contributor to they way may life is now but I have other bad habits that in need to tackle as well (procrastination, anxiety, general laziness).

    I have an assignment due in 7 days which I haven't started, I was on a semester break for two weeks but I only studied for an hour or two for those whole two weeks. I was post to catch up/relearn content from the previous paper as I only managed to scrape through with a c on that paper. The paper I'm doing now is harder so equally the assignment is going to be harder.

    I've taken notes on what triggers I have, One my biggest triggers is my family stressing me out I'm probably just gonna where headphones when they're around. I use porn as a stress reliever but I need to find something else. I also noticed I developed a fetish over the past years and I know why and what triggers so I'm gonna avoid those triggers which is mostly browsing the internet. I don't have twitter or Instagram and I only use Facebook for messenger. The only one I use is YouTube but twitter leaks into that sometimes with people making videos about certain posts on twitter. I'm gonna clear my subscriptions of stuff that I don't need which trigger my urges.

    My eating habits are mixed I keep on eating random things some healthy stuff and some junk food which leading too some diet issues, one currently is fecal incontinence . I'm gonna try fix my diet but if it keeps on continuing I'm gonna go to the doctors.

    I also have Trichotillomania its a hair pulling syndrome mostly caused by anxiety. It started in my teenage years I use to pull hair from the crown area of my head and beard. The hair on my crown was thick so you couldn't noticed the missing hair. However with my beard there are patches but I could always shave it off. But I recently started pulling the hair from widows peak, because of this i decided to shave it off but I just messed up my hair line.

    I watched a nofap video on YouTube, which said something along the lines of "at the end of the day it comes up to your free will no matter how many obstacles you put in your way between you and porn"

    I'm gonna update my journey daily on this page. I normally don't cause most of time I relapse or its a boring day. but I'm just gonna write even if it short and brief and maybe stories of how porn affected my life in my teenage years.
     
  7. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    relapsed
     
  8. TrueDat

    TrueDat Active Member

    Keep grinding, you can do this!
     
  9. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    I relapsed the pass few days, I didn't submit my assignment, the frustrating thing is that it wasn't even hard I was just lazy, gonna try and do my other assignment and see how well I do. I have lost my passion for programming. I also lost my drive to do anything with my life I'm not depressed or anything I just feel like I'm in a slump. I'm gonna go see counselor at my uni they're free at my uni. I've been having these massive mood swings thinking about family, uni and my porn addiction. I've had these before but not as serious as the ones I've been having the past few days. I've been doom scrolling as well which hasn't helped. I also don't have a lot of money left in my account so I'm gonna start applying for jobs, hopefully these will improve my social skills talking with customers. I kept on spending money on food when I was at uni and didn't keep track. I also gained a ton of weight, I can feel my the flabs of my body when I'm crouched over my laptop so I'm gonna join the gym tomorrow. Also gonna make discord server to have accountability partners (Gonna be posted in the accountability partners page if any one wants to join).
     
  10. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    TLDR:

    -Might get kicked out of uni
    -Told 3 people about my porn addiction face to face
    -Told my doctor
    -Gonna get help.
    -Really bad anxiety

    On friday I got an email from my uni, turns out my grades were bad and am going to be kicked out. The only way I could stop that from happening is to fill out a form and give evidence of why a fucked up. I went uni to talk to one of the uni support staff about it and to get help writing it. She took me into a separate room and told me to give an explanation. I told her about my porn addiction and my family issues. This is the first time ive told any besides one my friends that I have an addiction face to face. She used to work at a youth support group and told me that its a common problem that many young men are having. She's helped me out on the best way to submit the report. She told me to go to my doctor and tell him about my addiction, that he could point me in the right direction. I went to the doctors however they were all booked, the only person available was the nurse, so I had an appointment with her. She said she couldn't help me much and that its best to talk to my doctor about it. As I was leaving the doctor had a last minute cancellation so I was able to have an appointment. Told him everything, he suggested having accountability partner with one of my family members, however with my family that wouldn't work (just too many family issues). He recommended counselling, reading some books and some text support services. Told me to go back on my flip phone as that was something that helped me. So yeah I've told 3 people face to face I have a porn addiction, it went surprisingly well. It had been one of the longest days of my life.

    I've submitted the form just waiting on a reply from the uni. One if the staff member is gonna put on support plan is. I'll probably know if I get in or not tomorrow . If i do get accepted I have to meet with one the admins to discuss what my plan is for going to be regarding my papers. If I don't get accepted I might join the army or just work.

    I'm gonna start making video diaries of my self it was inspired by a video I watched on YouTube. I just don't journal has much as i should, so gonna see if video journal will be better for me along side hand written journaling.

    Got anxiety, I just meditate to keep that low for now.
    I had blocked nose for the past 2 days so I wasn't able to do as much as I wanted to get done.

    Accountability group if anyone wants to join: https://discord.gg/2ay8CpHvEw

    The video of why I'm gonna start making video journals:
     
  11. Morpheus

    Morpheus New Member

    My application got accepted, so I got a chance at graduating. Still waiting on a meeting with my advisor and my support plan with one of the councilors.

    I still have mad anxiety though, however my social anxiety is almost non existing anymore(really just don't care now to be honest.
    I still get anxiety for things like thinking about my future and simple stupid things like sending an email, I'm scared some way I might fuck things up or bad outcome is going to occur. It took me like an hour an half to send a simple 4 line email last Friday.

    I need to stop procrastinating and just start doing, one of my friends just told me you just have to take initiative with out seconding yourself at every turn.

    There was really good story/ quote about this in a book I'm reading.
    There's are donkey with two bales of hay which are both equally appetizing, they are both equal not one is better than the other. The donkey looks left, saying that looks delicious and pretty convenient it says the same thing looking at the on the right. However the donkey cannot decide which one to eat. So it instead dies of starvation with twice as much food as it needs.

    Managed to fix my laptop I took it all apart and tried tape some connector that they will stay in place, however when putting it back together i forgot pull out the back light connecter and track pad connector. Managed to get the track pad connecter out. The key board didn't work in the begging but pushing hard in the center seemed to do something and now it fixed. so I'm not gonna take it apart and risk it breaking again, its just the keyboard backlight.

    Need to improve my English and programming skills.
     
    ZuKagasio1 likes this.
  12. ZuKagasio1

    ZuKagasio1 Member

    Congrats man!
     

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