Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks, CleanBoots

    Day 31:
    Overall very good. Practiced a positive mindset, kept myself busy, got some exercise and a good amount of sleep. I just need to work on eating healthier and maybe integrating some self-improvement techniques into my routine (meditation, positive affirmations).
     
  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 34:
    Skipped two days so that should put me at 34. The days I skipped were pretty good, not much to say.

    Today has had an "off" feeling, like I'm not completely awake. Brainfog I guess. I'll see how it goes tomorrow.
     
  3. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Over 30 days is excellent @mikehunt, keep it up
     
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  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good job, man! Push through whatever comes your way.
     
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  5. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks @Rudolf Geyse and @CleanBootsBaby! , it is a long journey forward

    Day 36:
    Past couple days have been stressful, but I've done a good job handling the stress. Made some brief attempts at meditation, but haven't had the patience to go longer than 5 minutes. I'm not sure if it's necessary to meditate, I find I can usually get rid of negative emotions by writing about them in my personal journal. I suppose there is some similarity between journaling and mindfulness meditation, but I would like to see where the real thing can lead me so I'll try it again tonight.
     
  6. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 39:
    I've been holding on well enough. Some days I feel quite good, almost euphoric; other days were low points (although the lows being not as low as before I began). My only real complaint is that I don't have the life I want right now. But I know I'm working towards it. Just keep going.
     
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  7. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Keep on doing the right thing, brotha. I'm right behind you.

    A "bad" life w/o PMO is still a better one than a "bad" one w/ P in it. Not to mention...you can ruin a perfectly good one with one little rotten apple.
     
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  8. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks CleanBoots. Very well said.

    Day 42:
    Past couple days have been smooth sailing. Today has had some urges, but at this point I've accepted that this is the road that I must take. Even if I don't like it, I must stick with it, because the alternative is hopelessness and despair. It is much easier to say that now, at Day 42, as opposed to Day 7, because I have seen the transformation. At least a partial transformation. I might not be "free", but I am "free-er" than I was at the beginning of this thing.

    I'll admit that my eating habits may be worse and I seem to have picked up a teeth grinding habit. The trigger is clearly stress and that's something I will work on.
     
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  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good write-up, @mikehunt . Progress, progress...that's all what's about.
     
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  10. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks, CleanBoots, for all of your encouragement... unfortunately I fucked up

    Day zero:
    I fucked up at about the halfway point (day 47). I think part of it was having this turn into a mindless routine or habit, which made it easier but also led to a lack of diligence at the critical moment. Another part was the wavering confidence in reaching my goal of having a gf or at least ending my dry spell by the 90 day mark. I was depressed and didn't bother to shut down the fantasizing. MO'd to fantasy and then binged on porn.

    Even as a relapse, it is my best attempt in the 30+ bracket. My best overall was when I posted in the 25-29 section, about 87 days hard mode, but I know now that I can surpass that. Despite fucking up, and giving in to a moment of weakness, I still believe in this. It's just that I've never believed in hard mode as a permanent lifestyle, I can only go so long without an outlet for my sexual desires. A woman is the right outlet. When I was in a relationship, I hardly ever PMO'd, so it's being alone that's the problem.

    I want to achieve happiness in this next attempt. 75 days seems like a good target, as it is about the number of days left in 2021, makes me feel like maybe I can salvage this thing. I'm planning to begin on Friday.
     
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can completely relate to losing my best streaks in this exact manner. I become depressed gradually and lose hope in the ideals I had about the reboot, usually in the idea of connecting with a woman. Fantasizing then gets a much stronger grip on me and I eventually cave in, sometimes all at once suddenly, sometimes after putting a fight for a few days.

    Although finding a partner is a good thing, I think we need to stay clean for an ever deeper purpose somehow. Otherwise we risk self-sabotaging if we see signs that what we're hoping for is not happening.

    But yeah I also agree that not having any sexual outlet is a really big challenge (for the single rebooting guys).

    Anyways man, you did a really good effort and you can build on this going forward. I hope you can achiever your 75 days target in the near future.
     
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  12. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    @Thelongwayhome27 Thanks for your analysis. I agree, self-sabotage has been a problem. As for a deeper purpose, I don't know. I explored religion and spirituality some time ago, but came to the conclusion that there isn't any point to life besides finding a woman and raising a family.

    Day 1:
    Today was stressful. I don't like journaling on days like today but I have to write an entry for day 1. If I look beyond the stress, things are alright.
     
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