Day 39: I've been holding on well enough. Some days I feel quite good, almost euphoric; other days were low points (although the lows being not as low as before I began). My only real complaint is that I don't have the life I want right now. But I know I'm working towards it. Just keep going.
Keep on doing the right thing, brotha. I'm right behind you. A "bad" life w/o PMO is still a better one than a "bad" one w/ P in it. Not to mention...you can ruin a perfectly good one with one little rotten apple.
Thanks CleanBoots. Very well said. Day 42: Past couple days have been smooth sailing. Today has had some urges, but at this point I've accepted that this is the road that I must take. Even if I don't like it, I must stick with it, because the alternative is hopelessness and despair. It is much easier to say that now, at Day 42, as opposed to Day 7, because I have seen the transformation. At least a partial transformation. I might not be "free", but I am "free-er" than I was at the beginning of this thing. I'll admit that my eating habits may be worse and I seem to have picked up a teeth grinding habit. The trigger is clearly stress and that's something I will work on.
I can completely relate to losing my best streaks in this exact manner. I become depressed gradually and lose hope in the ideals I had about the reboot, usually in the idea of connecting with a woman. Fantasizing then gets a much stronger grip on me and I eventually cave in, sometimes all at once suddenly, sometimes after putting a fight for a few days. Although finding a partner is a good thing, I think we need to stay clean for an ever deeper purpose somehow. Otherwise we risk self-sabotaging if we see signs that what we're hoping for is not happening. But yeah I also agree that not having any sexual outlet is a really big challenge (for the single rebooting guys). Anyways man, you did a really good effort and you can build on this going forward. I hope you can achiever your 75 days target in the near future.
@Thelongwayhome27 Thanks for your analysis. I agree, self-sabotage has been a problem. As for a deeper purpose, I don't know. I explored religion and spirituality some time ago, but came to the conclusion that there isn't any point to life besides finding a woman and raising a family. Day 1: Today was stressful. I don't like journaling on days like today but I have to write an entry for day 1. If I look beyond the stress, things are alright.
Day 8: I was wrong about spirituality. I started doing prostrations a few days ago, instead of plain meditation, and I can actually feel the difference. Even though I don't believe in karma, it does feel like I'm flushing out bad karma. I feel cleaner. And also sore. I want to do 108 each morning but so far I can only do about 30. I'll keep practicing and building endurance.
Thanks CleanBoots. Not shabby, but also a different sensation since the previous streak. I was hoping I could re-experience the initial high, but so far, no. The amount of dopamine I'm getting from this is much lower this time. Day 12 Too much mindless web browsing, trying to get dopamine from the wrong places. Self-loathing, feeling inadequate. Wanting to relapse but knowing it won't fix anything. It is a bad mindset, I know. I think I will write down some positive affirmations, to say to myself every morning. Last time I did this, it seemed to help. If I make the effort tonight, I can defeat the vicious cycle.
Day 17 Last few days were good. I managed to pull it together when it felt I was slipping. Wrote down some affirmations. Tried mixing them with prostrations, which maybe isn't the best combination. I'm up to about 40 prostrations, which is only a small improvement, but my form is also much better. 108 is possible by the end of the year. Not that I particularly care about this goal, but it's a neat thing, and I think it can help me reach my higher goals. Today wasn't as good as the last few days, which is why I'm journaling today, to try to steer myself back on track, to remember my commitment here. It was nothing close to a relapse, but I overslept and it was a lazy depressing day. I should try to live with more enthusiasm than this.
I thought about what you wrote and here's my simple take on some of the legitimate questions you raised; as a simple Christian, not a know-it-all. I can't fully understand Him and neither does anyone. God is Holy. That is His Nature. Therefore, in His sight, any sin deserves infinite retribution. If you can imagine something polar opposite to God, it is not the devil, but sin itself. The day the devil sinned, it is when he became what he is today. In the Old Testament, through "eye for an eye", we see a side of God: that of a Judge. If sin were to be paid fully, an eye would (probably) call for a much harsher retribution...not merely an eye. If anything, the "eye for an eye" shows glimpses of Grace, the other side of God's Character. The other side of His Character is revealed in the New Testament. The judgement and the Law, the sacrifices, were meant to "point", if you will, to the gravity of sin. Since sin deserved infinite retribution, there was no one that could lift the sin of the world than...God Himself. This solution is mind-boggling to me. You have an impossibly to solve problem, and it is solved in the most unexpected way. Because the perfect Judge is, at the same time, Love. The two Testaments reveal different sides of God, and none overrides the other. He is so Great, that, as independent observers, with limited minds, we see only one of their manifestation - and, without being able to comprehend the reasoning within His Mind, we sometimes can't make sense of what is happening. The way He is revealed is the Bible. If I were to describe you in a book, assuming we didn't have photos / videos, I would do an incomplete job. Now here we have a Book, intended to describe an Infinite Being. Can we even begin to understand how limited of a glimpse at Him we have available? Metaphors, personifications - and some other literary devices - are all that we have at our disposal. Well, that, and living a life with Him - from my experience, there will be experiences and years that will leave us dumbfounded, paradoxes that will scream at us to quit. How many times it seemed beneficial for me to quit, my friend...oh how many times. But you know - that is impossible - especially when I, unlike many, have witnessed real miracles in the life of my family that were dissected and inspected in each and every way humanly possible by doctors; I have to resign myself that an atheist doctor knows more than me about what happened, went with his whole department through each and every possible explanation and, failing that, if he tells me it is a miracle, then it is. When this happens several times and I am sitting here typing this only because of a few supernatural interventions...well, man, color me a believer. One day, we will understand God. From the revelation of God as a Judge, to God as Love, we will finally, in Eschaton, step into the full revelation. I, for one, look forward to that - if today I dropped dead, I'd be happy to leave this Earth to my final destination. It's been a long, hard ride already. * Sadly, Christians are, many times, the worst representation of Whom they say they serve. Just out of curiosity - how many times have you heard the message of Christ that said "In this world you will have trouble" (John 16:33b) or His call from Luke 9:23b, 24: "“Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me"? Bet ya it's not a hit with the average church crowd, is it? This is the bane of the West - a "Christianity" filled with triumphalism, health, wealth. Of course there are real Christians everywhere - but to get my perspective, I hail from Eastern Europe and grew under Communism; I have seen what the persecuted church is, so, I dare say, my perspective over what really following Christ is different from a pampered millennial somewhere in the West. I've known and still know adversity, aplenty, in my life, while I do my best to follow a God that some would say is insensitive. But boy, I've never grown in character the way I did through pain and denial of self. I'd say the persecuted church was closer to what it should be than the one fighting the seduction of contentment and comfort. Furthermore, if I weren't able to triumph over the sin of P and M, I would not even dare call myself a Christian. If I don't love God more than P&M...well, that's a big big problem. And every moment when I indulge in it, I love sin more than Him. So living in sin is not a solution for me. As it wasn't to sleep around after my unfair divorce, either. It's been four years man, since I had sex. It will happen only if I marry a "unicorn". Otherwise, I have resigned myself that my sexual life is over. And this is my Romans 12:1 fulfillment: "Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship." Look, I'm probably a humble trying Christian, regardless of the high opinions so many have about me. And even I were able to put money where my mouth is. My humble prayer is: "God, help me not to be a hypocrite!" Because of my principles, I have lost too many occasions to have sex to count, and tons upon tons of money. Heck, I've had even relatives frustrated that instead of looking to remarry I serve old people (and tend to orphans). But you know what? Everything I "lost" is garbage - if everyone looked and pitied me as a loser, and I still heard one day the famed "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!", I am fine. God's opinion matters, not that of X and Y. So, after all, how pathetic it would be for me to have another sin control my life? Can you imagine what a cosmic failure that would be on my behalf, Mike? Wouldn't that make me a hypocrite? This is first of all a spiritual affair, and only then everything else it is for someone else. This is my perspective; make of it what you wish. All the best in your searches, my friend.
Glad to hear I gave you some things to ponder on! Agreed, except - paying tribute to the "classic" Christian view - I am not sure about the "sort of like the personification of the universe" - I mean, not in a animistic way, but certainly in a "bigger than life" way. I admire some of the monks' way of life. Sometimes...oh man. Sometimes I'd adopt it. Alas, there are no monks in my denomination. But, besides your observation, I, too, see that Christ is sending the disciples in the world; I see nowhere any indictment for the Christian to put distance in this way between himself and the world. I think you are referring to the Romans passage. It could be about delayed gratification (e.g. abstaining from sex until marriage); for some, the gratification, will come only on the other side of death. And this is a bitter pill that many Christians don't want to swallow. Excellent, you are the man!
Thanks, CleanBoots Day 34: I don't like spending too much time on youtube and other addictive sites. I don't need that. I'm going to try going without internet for a week, exceptions for email and other necessary things.
Man, such an endeavor was the most liberating, ever! I went one month w/o Internet, other than what was needed for work. I commend you for doing that - you can tell quickly whether you are an Internet dependent, or not.
To be honest, it was pointless. Ended up turning to fantasizing, videogames, overeating. I didn't find what I was looking for. Day 0: Pretty much the same relapse as before. I need to figure out how to escape this cycle.
Don't let that demoralize you. I will continue to say that we are free when we start dreading the low after the deed more than we love the temporary high. Negative motivation works wonders . Not everything needs, all the time, to be "motivating", "uplifting"...
CleanBoots, well said. I was using negative emotions as an excuse to escape but maybe I should learn to embrace negative emotions. Day 0: It doesn't get any easier. Just a constant struggle. You think you're winning the battle, and then back to square one.
Day 0: Too much bargaining behavior. I need to set clear limits, otherwise I find myself veering off-course. I'll write up a plan tonight, then start day 1 tomorrow.
Day 4: Not as good as yesterday but pretty good. I felt too irritable trying to meditate in the morning, so I'll try it at night instead.
