Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 19:
    I'm in the habit of writing everyday even though technically I said I would do it for just the first two weeks and then be more easy-going about it. But I think there is value in writing as long as I have something to say, even if I have to struggle to say something on such an uneventful day as this.

    Mood has leveled off from whatever I was going through a week ago. The past three days have been remarkably consistent.
     
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  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 20:
    It was a stressful day. I binged on junk food, but at least I didn't relapse, even though I wanted to.

    Energy level was quite high.
     
  3. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Cholesterol is better than porn, IMO :D.
     
  4. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Maybe, but, I don't want another way to cope. I want to win.

    Day 22:
    The experiment of skipping a day, not great. Almost relapsed yesterday. Also contemplated relapsing today and the day before yesterday. Agitated emotions.

    I need to be more full-hearted about this. Half-assing it isn't going to work because there is no pride that comes from a half-assed job and without pride there is no dopamine and without dopamine the mind seeks other avenues (porn, food, videogames)

    But I should feel good about going three weeks. I'll finish the month strong.
     
  5. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    All true and love the last sentence!
     
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  6. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Interesting line of thought! All the best for a strong finish to the month.
     
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  7. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks everyone. I'll give it my best.

    Day 23:
    There are some areas that I want to work on, such as sleep quality, healthy eating, exercise, and meditation. I've done a lot of work on my exercise routine (which was nonexistent before this streak) but I will step it up another level. I have done a pretty good job today.
     
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  8. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 24:
    End of the month is in sight. I'm feeling a strong sense of gratitude right now. For all the grief I've given myself, it is almost a miracle that I've come this far. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I believe in myself. I just need to keep going.
     
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  9. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Good going, man! Congrats!
     
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  10. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks, CleanBoots

    Day 25:
    Today didn't go as planned, but it was still a good day. I'll write up some goals for tomorrow and will try to follow through.
     
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  11. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 26:
    Had a wet dream. And not a good one. It was some fucking femdom shit. I feel like shit, and I want to PMO to something less emasculating, to wash away the shame. But I need to be a man and stay the course. I need to at least go 30 days. I don't know if my resolve will take me further than 30 days, but I know I can do that much. I can think about my next plan after I make it to 30 days.

    I used to see femdom as a porn-induced fetish, but now, at least in my case, I see that it's not. There is some correlation, sure. When I'm alone and feeling lonely and most likely to turn to porn, those are also the times my mind lingers to femdom fantasies, so it's easy to associate one with the other. However, whenever I'm not alone, whenever I've been in the presence of a woman, and have tried to fantasize about femdom, I've never seen the appeal of it. It's only appealing when I'm alone. Any other context brings about disgust. Although once I realized that, I started PMO'ing to femdom like crazy. "It's only a fantasy. I'm not really into this shit in real life" I would tell myself. It never stopped being an unhealthy addiction, even if the psychological grief was lessened.

    I would like to be free of it completely, but it's most likely caused by childhood trauma rather than porn. Growing up with a domineering and insensitive mother, and a submissive father who shamelessly devoted himself to her -- It's a dynamic that I find disgusting on a conscious level, but it must carry subconscious appeal, because my femdom fantasies perfectly mirror it.
     
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  12. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    Intersting post. I think it can be hugely helpful to analyse for ourselves where these things come from. Once you put it into words it's like another register of your brain can start to process it for the first time, rather than leaving it in the hands of your subconscious/hindbrain or whatever.

    Anyways all the best for 30 days, it's around the corner.
     
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  13. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks Rudolf. Agreed.

    Day 27:
    I was going to chastise myself for barely hanging on these past couple days, but maybe I should appreciate the fact that I've managed to hold on.

    I feel weary. I feel like I'm forcing myself forward instead of wanting to go forward.

    My inner voice tells me "One more time. Just relapse one more time so you can feel refreshed and ready for a 90 day streak.". But realistically I think I just miss watching porn and this is my mind trying to rationalize that desire. I want to say no, and I have been saying no, but, I need more enthusiasm than this if I'm to go 90 days. Will power alone isn't enough.
     
  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    I'm not enthusiastic, either, some days. But those pass, invariably, and on another one I rediscover motivation and the joy of life itself.

    Nothing wrong with forcing ourselves to do the right thing. It's something I deeply respect, because that is when one's resolve is being tested. The most important aspect is to continue making good choices, regardless of how it makes us feel. Nothing else matters, really.

    I felt tempted to look at a familiar actress a few nights in a row. But then I thought about how it would feel to throw everything away. It was not worth it. I am "greedy" to pile clean days one on the top of the other because they lead to a better version of myself (the original one), that I really like.

    That little voice always lies. It has let me down too many times. It (my thought) goes like this: the same horniness I feel today, if not even a bigger one, I will feel a few days later. Or maybe next month. It always comes back.
     
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2021
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  15. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    You bring up good points, the low points tend to pass and high points have occurred after the low. But I am skeptical of will power. It seems the scientific consensus is that will power isn't real, it's just dopamine. Take away the lab rat's dopamine, it literally cannot move. It sits there and dies.

    Day 28:
    I don't know what to do except take it one day at a time. I feel restless. Exercising may help with that. I still haven't tried meditating. I don't feel as spiritual as I did five years ago, but I rarely feel the need for it, just that there are parallels between a monastic lifestyle and what we're doing here. Although I don't want to be a monk. I only intended to go hard mode for long enough to get a gf or something.

    Today has been pretty good overall. Had a headache earlier but it's mostly gone now. I should start being optimistic again.
     
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  16. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    @mikehunt I like that you have found the origin of all of this for you. Use that new knowledge then. Go talk to your parents. Talk to each one separately then together. You need to fix this as soon as possible. Talk is a wonder that is usually underestimated
     
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  17. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Gotcha. Well, honestly, I don't know how someone can do it without will power. In my particular case, and that's anecdotal evidence, it has worked in the past to the point where I was virtually cured of this.

    I just don't look at this as "it's a struggle". Sometimes will power manifests as passivity. It's hard to explain, it probably goes like this: keeping one's muscles tensed all the time and running out of gas, vs using technique and being more relaxed.

    This means that when I have REAL battles I have more pent up energy. And the smarts to run away from confrontations most often. I just don't dwell on it, I don't dream with my eyes open. And no playing with fire either.
     
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  18. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    @Shady It is a nice thought, but my parents are basically puritans, so we could never talk about things like porn or sexuality. Even normal things are difficult to talk to them about, to be honest. We don't have much of an emotional connection.

    @CleanBootsBaby! I guess it depends how you define will power. Of course, you can only tense your muscles for so long. The latter point of using technique sounds more like the wisdom of experience and being true to yourself. I agree.

    Day 29:
    Today has been good. I've been taking things one step at a time, and despite some hesitation, I'm still on track. Optimism is coming back. I want to see what kind of man I will become at the end of 90 days.
     
  19. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 30:
    Stressed out again, but it's nothing to do with any of this, it's entirely work-related. Too much bullshit to deal with. It's affecting the pride and satisfaction that I should be feeling for going 30 days.

    I'll try listening to music and going for a walk. Tomorrow begins Part II of this epic trilogy.
     
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  20. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Try not to let anything take that from you. You've done a tremendous job!
     
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