Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 6:
    I'm doing a good job. Yesterday was a challenge but I got through it. Today, same. I tried reflecting deeper on things but doing so led to self-loathing and negative thoughts. A tendency to fixate on the few imperfect things instead of appreciating the many things that are going well. Is it wrong to reflect? I think at this point it might be. It can help find solutions to problems but if you already have a good solution then it's a waste of time.
     
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  2. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    At a point, in my case, I realized it can be. Over-analyzing stuff.

    Hey, man, BTW: congrats on the 6-day streak! Good for you.
     
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  3. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks CleanBoots.

    Day 7:
    Ok, the week is coming to a close. How many years has it been since I made it this far? I know it was no big deal in my 20s, to rack up a couple weeks (and I used to frequently relapse at the 2 week mark). Since then, even though my sex drive declined, the sense of striving and motivation also declined. It's only in recent months since I resumed posting here that I have rekindled a fire within myself. And it's only in the past week that I've felt that maybe I can keep it burning long-term.
     
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  4. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Plenty of life left in you, old chap! Congrats on the one week mark, you are doing awesome work. That's a down payment that already made the addiction lessen its grip on you!

    Can I hear: "two weeks"?
     
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  5. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks. Yes, next milestone in two weeks.

    Day 8:
    The mantra of "fake it till you make it", and forcing yourself to smile even when you're not happy, probably has truth to it. Even though it feels like I'm trying to deny reality by pretending the unhappiness isn't real, I have also faced it head on and nothing good came from wallowing in that place. I was on anti-depressants a year ago but stopped because I want to believe in myself and not some magic pill. I'm doing good so far and I want to see where this takes me long term so I need to force myself onward.
     
  6. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 9:
    I remember reading something about changing the quality of your inner-voice, to sound less sad and depressing. But if I have to be on guard even against my own inner-voice, if I have to force myself to sound enthusiastic, it seems more challenging than what I set out to do here. But if it's part of the process, then I will see how much I can change.

    I want to feel lighter and free from the heavy emotions weighing me down.
     
  7. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 10:
    It isn't amazing, but I feel better today compared to yesterday. I slacked off on exercise over the past couple days, which might be a cause. I'll make a greater effort tomorrow.
     
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  8. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Glad for you, man. Fantastic.
     
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  9. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks CleanBoots

    Day 11:
    I got distracted today and didn't have much time for exercise, but I at least took a short walk. Tomorrow I'll go further.
     
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  10. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 12:
    Pretty good. I weathered the storm and now I'm feeling more optimistic again.
     
  11. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 13:
    Bittersweet emotions... I've lived a life of regret. I thought I was broken. But now I appear to be succeeding at this, and I'm beginning to enjoy life again.
     
  12. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Forgetting what was behind, you launch yourself into the future. Good stuff, my man! God stuff.
     
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  13. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks, CleanBoots

    Day 14:
    Second week accomplished. I feel good about it. I tried writing something more, comparing it to the first week, but it led to negative emotions so I deleted. I'll try writing tomorrow.
     
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  14. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Not too shabby, man. Not too shabby...
     
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  15. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thanks. Indeed, not shabby.

    Day 15:
    I have a lot of energy today. Although I haven't done a good job utilizing it, so I'll go for a long walk later today.

    I tried thinking about the future, but was struck with anxiety. Maybe it is useless anyway, because as long as I walk the straight and narrow, things will work out in the future.

    I used to entertain pretty much any thought that entered my awareness. Whereas now, I am shutting things down left and right. If I don't like where something is heading, it is best to shut it down. I was going to say yesterday, that I didn't seem as diligent about that in the second week as I was in the first week, but I think that is being too hard on myself. There were some low moods in the first half of the second week, which made things more difficult. Brain fog and absent-mindedness led to dwelling on things for longer than I should have, but I stopped myself once I realized what I was doing, so even then I kept firm to my commitment. Flirting with the boundaries, sure. I'll be more diligent now that I'm on the third week.
     
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  16. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 16:
    Can negative thinking be eliminated completely? It is a root issue, but what is the root of the root? The root of negative thinking... An inferiority complex, probably.

    Someone who has pride, status, and high self-esteem will probably feel fewer negative emotions... But at this point I deserve to have some pride. For all of the times I fucked up in the past, I am doing a good job right now.
     
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  17. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Negative thinking should never be eliminated.
    Your brain needs balanced when understanding things and making choices. You need both the positive and the negative. Maintain the balance.
     
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  18. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    By negative thinking, I'm not dismissing the value of self-criticism. I have done plenty of that. If the glass is actually half-empty, then you may feel a greater urgency to fill it, compared to seeing it as half-full all the time. To light a fire under your ass. That kind of thinking has value, sure.

    But if it doesn't serve any purpose, then what is the purpose? Negative thinking for the sake of negative thinking, pointless rumination, feeling like shit all the time so you can turn to porn as a coping mechanism.


    Day 17:
    I'm frustrated. There was a flirty woman who seemed to be flirting with me, yet I did nothing. Just smiled meekly, like a coward. Too introverted or socially inept to say much. She wasn't that attractive, but I don't even care at this point. I'll take what I can get.

    Overall it was a positive experience. Even if nothing happened, I feel more attractive. My self-esteem is higher now.
     
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  19. CleanBootsBaby!

    CleanBootsBaby! Active Member

    Continue on this path and your self-esteem and the number of positive interactions with the opposite sex that consolidate it, will only increase.

    Keep on keeping on. Forget the frustration...and focus on a simple fact: "I. Am. Making. Progress."

    Patience, patience, patience. You've abused yourself for years, reverting is a slow, arduous project.
     
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  20. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    There are highs and lows but yes, even the lows are not as low as the previous lows of being trapped in the addictive cycle. I am making progress.

    Day 18:
    I had my first erotic dream in a long time. Very nice, but I won't dwell on it. Maybe my interaction of the previous day was a catalyst.

    I've been trying to eat healthier. I'm also doing a good job keeping up my exercise routine, and I feel good about that. Making progress.
     
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