Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 10
    Final day of November. Which means I'm keeping my commitment of finishing the remainder of no nut november without nutting. Just googled no nut november and there's some bullshit article on the first page. Apparently it's a hate movement? I don't even want to read the article, it's too difficult to take life seriously when I see headlines like that...

    Regardless of what you call it, mission accomplished. Where to go from here? Given the recent return of urges (after a near-perfect first week), it's clear what my mind is asking of me. It's not as if I can't shut off the urges. I can, and I feel much better when I do*. But the perfectionist in me feels let down by the past couple days, and wonders if perfection is best re-attained by relapse. A relapse is usually devastating, but a relapse after succeeding at a commitment would be unprecedented...

    But I also said this:
    I need to keep my head in the game. Go to bed early, wake up with renewed commitment.
     
    Merton and Gilgamesh like this.
  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 0
    Past few days have been no good, I need to figure out how to do this long-term.
     
  3. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 1
    I think I've figured it out, but am not ready to sign up for 90 days. Will go for 30.

    I felt so much relief the first time, there was too much tension that needed to be released. Although it should never get to that point. If I practice exercise and meditation, maybe that will be a sufficient outlet.
     
  4. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 0
    That was a false start. Was a terrible day 1 (full of fantasy) yet managed to get to day 2. But I was so depressed and frustrated with myself, and allowed things to escalate...

    A few realizations:
    1. This only gets easier in the sense of accumulating wisdom from past mistakes. In terms of urges, they may be even stronger than before?

    For people like me who are attempting to rid themselves of porn-induced fetishes, a failed reboot is potentially more damaging than having never tried. When I used to research study habits, I learned "the best way to learn something is to forget it and then relearn it". So instead of cramming for a test, you would intermittently look at the material over a long duration, and this keeps the material deeply ingrained in your mind. And we're basically doing just that with our failed reboot attempts - ignoring the "material" for days or weeks at a time, and then picking it up again, reigniting the same neural pathways and making them stronger than ever...

    That explains why, when I was glancing over triggering thumbnails, the erotic sensation was stronger than what I used to experience... Very scary realization...

    2. Fantasy is basically poison. The first week of my November reboot was free of fantasy and I felt divine. It only went downhill once the fantasy started. And my last attempt didn't even get off the ground, because of porn fantasies. I need to be extra-vigilant about this.

    3. Triggers/fantasy doesn't really matter if the conviction is there, because a man of conviction will automatically brush away temptation before it becomes a problem.

    What happened to me between Day 8 and Day 10 that caused me to lose conviction? I complained about the tension, but I was probably causing it to myself by fantasizing so much, meaning I had already lost conviction by that point. I'll have to think about this. Once I figure it out, I'll be ready for a serious attempt.
     
  5. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 1
    Even though it was a relapse, I did a good job avoiding the more shameful types of pornography. The more innocuous types, softcore, doesn't have much addictive power over me, but I get that I need to cease all forms, otherwise it's too much of a slippery slope. Already been down the road of attempted moderation, no point in repeating the same mistakes multiple times...

    And besides, I like the way it feels, having full control over myself. Feeling the buzz of sexual energy coursing through my veins, yet not giving myself to urges. Having the conviction to be my own person.

    The chain of destruction has always been the same: Desire leads to fantasy, fantasy leads to relapse. If I can break the chain, I will be free.
     
    Merton likes this.

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