Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.
Welcome back. I remember you from last year. Good luck.
Thank you for the encouragement, longwayhome. I remember you too.
It has been over a year since I last posted and a much longer time since I made a serious attempt. It is not a good feeling to fail so many times... it causes weariness. But I have to keep going, for as long as I'm alive, so it becomes a question of whether I will go forward with a positive outlook vs wallowing in shit... At this point, I am tired of shit. If I keep getting shitted on, or if I shit on myself, then there would be nothing to look forward to, only shit. I don't want anymore shit. I need to pull myself out of this shithole, to the place of hope.
To do that, I need to get serious. Serious resolve. By posting here and sharing my progress, I hope to better maintain my resolve. I plan to post each day, at least for the first two weeks, and then every other day or so after that, as it should become more of a habit. I am single so going "hard mode" until I get a gf or something...
2 hours in, and I can already feel myself slipping. mind wandering into fantasy land. fantasy is typically foreplay to porn. not good.
I will do some exercise, maybe meditation. Try to regain my self-control. If I can fill up all of my free time then there will be no time to fuck up.
Not a great start. Woke up from a depressing dream. Too depressed to get out of bed. Went back to sleep. Woke up again and edged the morning away to sexual fantasy. No release, just edging. I would call it a relapse if I were a perfectionist. Obviously this current trajectory would lead to a real relapse, but it is not too late to turn the ship around...
How to do that? I think I will have to force myself, until it becomes a habit, like exercise. I will take it one step at a time and I will count each step as a sign of improvement. As long as I'm improving, I am turning the ship around.
I don't feel like writing today but I said I would write every day for the first two weeks so this is my resolve. Things have been difficult with self-control over self-destructive thoughts but I at least feel a greater sense of pressure or urgency to do something about it. I can work with that.
I was depressed and relapsed. I will try meditation to defeat depression.
It is a better day 2 than the last day 2. I have a more positive outlook now. Even if it is mostly a difference of hormones, it is still a sign of hope.
I will treat this first week as my hurdle to overcome. Thinking about 90 days is too overwhelming at this point, I need to take one step at a time, to develop confidence in myself.
Again, it is better than the previous attempt. Exercise seems to keep my mind active and away from self-sabotaging thoughts. Pretty good anti-depressant.
Better than the last day 4 which was a relapse, but not good. Backslided somewhat, almost edging to sexual fantasy. The day isn't over yet... I need to recommit, get my mind back in the game. I'll do some exercise and probably go to bed early. Was up too late last night and I think the sleep deprivation makes it more difficult to keep it together.
Some edging to fantasy. I don't want to call it a relapse as perfectionism is probably counter-productive. But yes, it's a slippery slope. Slipped and fell last time. This time, I don't know, it's not exactly what I was going for but it's a clear improvement compared to when I wasn't even trying.
Exercising some more. If there is one positive to take away, it's that I've greatly improved my exercise routine. Felt slow and sluggish at the start and I already have more energy and endurance. There was an exception on the day that I felt too sleep deprived to exercise, and that was the day I almost relapsed. So as long as I have energy, I can channel it into something positive like exercise.
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