Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Welcome back. I remember you from last year. Good luck.
     
  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thank you for the encouragement, longwayhome. I remember you too.


    Day 1:
    It has been over a year since I last posted and a much longer time since I made a serious attempt. It is not a good feeling to fail so many times... it causes weariness. But I have to keep going, for as long as I'm alive, so it becomes a question of whether I will go forward with a positive outlook vs wallowing in shit... At this point, I am tired of shit. If I keep getting shitted on, or if I shit on myself, then there would be nothing to look forward to, only shit. I don't want anymore shit. I need to pull myself out of this shithole, to the place of hope.

    To do that, I need to get serious. Serious resolve. By posting here and sharing my progress, I hope to better maintain my resolve. I plan to post each day, at least for the first two weeks, and then every other day or so after that, as it should become more of a habit. I am single so going "hard mode" until I get a gf or something...

    edit:
    2 hours in, and I can already feel myself slipping. mind wandering into fantasy land. fantasy is typically foreplay to porn. not good.
    I will do some exercise, maybe meditation. Try to regain my self-control. If I can fill up all of my free time then there will be no time to fuck up.
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2021
  3. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 2:
    Not a great start. Woke up from a depressing dream. Too depressed to get out of bed. Went back to sleep. Woke up again and edged the morning away to sexual fantasy. No release, just edging. I would call it a relapse if I were a perfectionist. Obviously this current trajectory would lead to a real relapse, but it is not too late to turn the ship around...

    How to do that? I think I will have to force myself, until it becomes a habit, like exercise. I will take it one step at a time and I will count each step as a sign of improvement. As long as I'm improving, I am turning the ship around.
     
  4. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 3:
    I don't feel like writing today but I said I would write every day for the first two weeks so this is my resolve. Things have been difficult with self-control over self-destructive thoughts but I at least feel a greater sense of pressure or urgency to do something about it. I can work with that.
     
  5. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 1:
    I was depressed and relapsed. I will try meditation to defeat depression.
     
  6. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 2:
    It is a better day 2 than the last day 2. I have a more positive outlook now. Even if it is mostly a difference of hormones, it is still a sign of hope.

    I will treat this first week as my hurdle to overcome. Thinking about 90 days is too overwhelming at this point, I need to take one step at a time, to develop confidence in myself.
     
  7. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 3:
    Again, it is better than the previous attempt. Exercise seems to keep my mind active and away from self-sabotaging thoughts. Pretty good anti-depressant.
     
  8. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 4:
    Better than the last day 4 which was a relapse, but not good. Backslided somewhat, almost edging to sexual fantasy. The day isn't over yet... I need to recommit, get my mind back in the game. I'll do some exercise and probably go to bed early. Was up too late last night and I think the sleep deprivation makes it more difficult to keep it together.
     
  9. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 5:
    Some edging to fantasy. I don't want to call it a relapse as perfectionism is probably counter-productive. But yes, it's a slippery slope. Slipped and fell last time. This time, I don't know, it's not exactly what I was going for but it's a clear improvement compared to when I wasn't even trying.
     
  10. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 6:
    Exercising some more. If there is one positive to take away, it's that I've greatly improved my exercise routine. Felt slow and sluggish at the start and I already have more energy and endurance. There was an exception on the day that I felt too sleep deprived to exercise, and that was the day I almost relapsed. So as long as I have energy, I can channel it into something positive like exercise.
     
    Shady likes this.
  11. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 1:
    I need to push myself through the pain. I had a headache at the time but I should have just slept through it or something instead of turning to porn.
     
  12. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 2:
    Initially I wrote a longer entry, but deleted it. Probably no use in ruminating. Best to stay positive about things. Especially as a man, you need to remain strong in the face of adversity.
     
  13. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 3:
    Even though my circumstances are not the greatest, I'm afraid I'm just using that as an excuse to mope around and feel shit enough that PMO will seem favorable. I think I need to do something against self-deprecating thoughts and rumination in order to succeed at this long-term.
     
  14. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 0:
    I should write here even on relapse days to try to minimize the relapsing. It comes down to responsibility. It's irresponsible to treat a day of relapse the same way as a week of relapse but that's what I was doing by taking a break from journaling and taking a break from holding myself accountable at each relapse. Accountability needs to be a daily occurrence.

    I'm attempting to structure my thoughts in a more positive way to avoid the self-sabotage of last week. Recognizing triggering thoughts and fantasies and writing about them instead of the past action of dwelling/ruminating which led to depression which led to relapse which led to a vicious cycle...

    I have to hold myself accountable so I will count it as a relapse if I dwell on those thoughts and fantasies after I've consciously recognized it as self-sabotage. Cut the weed by the root. If I have to become a zen master to succeed, then that's what I'll do.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  15. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    All the best for your new streak. I don't feel like an authority on this just yet, but keep reminding yourself of why you agree that the past pattern is poisonous to your wellbeing, and try to drill down to the roots of what keeps you going back to it so you can begin to tackle the root issues. Strength to you.
     
    mikehunt likes this.
  16. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Thank you, Rudolf. I agree, I had been ignoring the root issues.


    Day 1:
    So far so good. I don't want to say anything too audacious yet, but it has been surprisingly easy to stay positive about things now that I'm blocking the root issues (and seeing pmo as merely a symptom of those issues).
     
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2021
  17. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 2:
    Another good day. I think I fell asleep quicker last night, compared to previous times of being up late fantasizing about useless things.
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  18. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 3:
    Not as easy today. I still have no sex cravings, but it isn't about that. More of an emotional longing. I've kept it out of the forefront of my mind but I don't know what to do about the back of my mind. Probably just exercise or read a book, find some way to distract myself while I work toward my long term goals.
     
  19. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 4:
    Mood is positive again, similar to Day 1. Not a lot to say, but it feels right to sign in every day to report my progress.
     
  20. mikehunt

    mikehunt Member

    Day 5:
    Woke up from a terrible, self-destructive dream. I'm over it now.

    I think this is what those in the self-help community call a "challenge". The sub-conscious mind creating an illusory form of adversity to "challenge" the conscious mind... But I'm over it now. I was in a foul mood at the start of the day, but now I feel fine. I can put such things behind me now that I've recognized it as some form of self-sabotage, or a way to "challenge" the conscious mind into being more diligent. "Things were too easy for you yesterday, let's see how you handle this"
     
    -Luke- likes this.

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