Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.
After doing some soul-searching last night, I'm on the right track. Good time to begin anew.
I think this is a key point. Porn seems to be all about voyeurism (at least for me). For this reason it is completely removed from what normal sex is. What I mean to say is that it pushes us even further from having normal sex lives.
Good point, Merton. I'm not sure if normalcy is advisable if we could reach for something higher but things are certainly fucked the way they are.
Relapsed yesterday, having gone about a week. Things were going amazingly well until I started watching TV and Youtube. Triggered hard, a complete 180: going from pure feelings to lusting feelings. It's a sickness. And it would be so easy to purge it if a part of me wasn't still attached to it.
I'll need to figure this out and get back on track.
I've returned to a healthy mindset so tomorrow will be day 1 assuming I keep this up. Basically have no desire for porn and that mindset seems to be sustainable as long as I stay on a righteous path and avoid societal evils such as youtube and television.
I'm even stronger than I was before, as I now understand how attraction for these images is rooted in delusional thinking. We grasp endlessly for things that are unattainable, wasting our time and energy. That is not how we're supposed to live; energies should be redirected towards more fulfilling pursuits.
Basically on track since yesterday but today is more official. I want start slow and regain my confidence so going hard mode until the end of the month - about 2.5 weeks.
That lasted 4-5 days. Would call it a slippery slope effect, but that's an excuse - realistically, I had relapsed mentally before even booting up my computer, having had too many impure thoughts, slacking off in terms of maintaining resolve... An iron-clad self-discipline cannot have holes.
Still haven't MO'd, and I don't plan to. Will avoid hitting rock bottom if I can stumble my way to the finish line. Not the most inspiring way to put it, but my best streak was one in which my day 1 of no PMO was about day 7 of no MO; starting off with a partial victory.
Maybe I will keep my head in the game if I make a habit of writing here every day, even if I don't have much to say. Exactly 2 weeks left in the month so that seems like a suitable goal once again.
Can't even call this a relapse, because I've failed to get off the ground since my misguided post last Friday; not even a partial victory at this point...
I wanted today to be day 1 but ended up MO'ing right out of the gate, having awoken from an erotic dream (trigger warning). The dream started off as a sexually healthy relationship (me being the dominant partner) and that part was very good but unfortunately the dream did not stop there... things became more twisted. I got paired with an older woman who enjoyed abusing me and somehow I enjoyed her abuse. That's what I finished to. Depressing... it's as if I'm trolling myself.
I don't even know if it's possible to defeat this fetish. It's probably somewhat porn derived, but I can't deny the possibility that I might be a cuck. Whenever I'm aroused by something normal, I feel compelled to masturbate to it to prove to myself that I'm not a cuck. Yet to have so many dreams and fantasies that point in the opposite direction... starts off as light teasing, doesn't end until I'm thoroughly emasculated.
Now I feel the need to PMO to something normal in order to rebalance my mind.
Do you feel you need to defeat the fetish, or could it just be a healthy part of your sexuality?
Not all of sexuality is healthy; the immoral parts must be defeated.
I can't justify another Day 0 so I'm starting today and going until the end of the month - should be enough to get my confidence back. Its been a shit month but I can finish strong.
That was one of my strongest Day 1's. While our environment is important, the war is 90% internal. The Buddha's 8-Fold Path can be applied here: Right Effort + Right Concentration + Right Mindfulness + Right View + Right Intention + Right Speech + Right Action = Right Livelihood.
Not sure if there's much difference between effort, intention, and action; same with concentration vs mindfulness vs view. I tend to boil everything down to focus and action and I wonder if that is too much of a simplification.
Good day yesterday. I'm getting better at falling asleep when I need to fall asleep instead of using it as an excuse to fantasize about pornography. Good intention.
It wasn't a fluke - energy levels have returned. Probably something to do with dopamine receptors recovering, and getting more sleep.
Experienced some of the erotic thoughts that crushed me last time, but only as a short blip. Goes away if you shut it down quick enough. I don't think there's anything new to discover from going down that road so best to cut it out. At the very least, some roads are better than others, and I prefer the one I'm on now.
This is great. It is amazing how much of a mental game addiction is. As you did, we have to be careful with which thoughts we allow to roam around in our heads.
Agreed. The more power you give to delusion, the more difficult it is to break free.
Great day yesterday.
Hectic day yesterday yet maintained strong resolve all throughout. Journaling every day seems to help.
The stress of the past week was not so bad. It's much more dangerous to be in an environment where you can relax.
Felt some urges yesterday. A lazy, unmotivated attitude often triggers such urges.
Need to get my head back in the game, focus on what matters.
Final day of November. Which means I'm keeping my commitment of finishing the remainder of no nut november without nutting. Just googled no nut november and there's some bullshit article on the first page. Apparently it's a hate movement? I don't even want to read the article, it's too difficult to take life seriously when I see headlines like that...
Regardless of what you call it, mission accomplished. Where to go from here? Given the recent return of urges (after a near-perfect first week), it's clear what my mind is asking of me. It's not as if I can't shut off the urges. I can, and I feel much better when I do*. But the perfectionist in me feels let down by the past couple days, and wonders if perfection is best re-attained by relapse. A relapse is usually devastating, but a relapse after succeeding at a commitment would be unprecedented...
But I also said this:
I need to keep my head in the game. Go to bed early, wake up with renewed commitment.
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