Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by mikehunt, Oct 20, 2018.

  1. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    nvm... :(
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018
  2. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 0

    I have a lot that I need to think about, even though I thought I had everything figured out. Fucking indecisiveness...

    Will probably finish one last time, get it out of my system. Then I need to stay focused. 30 days to start with. I've gone 30+ days several times, so this shouldn't be difficult.

    edit:
    Watched a bunch of videos, some featuring femdom fetishes I wish I wasn't into. Even though I'm into it, I'm not as into it as normal genres, so I'm not a lost cause. I should be able to move away from such things. In the past I've tried denial, but it doesn't seem to work, only makes it come back stronger on the rebound. Better to accept it, but also accept that it's depraved and immoral and so I need to focus on positive expressions of sexuality which is at least 10-20% better regardless.

    Although, even with normal genres, the problem is that it's too voyeuristic. Sometimes I can project myself into the scene, but most of the time I find it too difficult to relate to the lead actor, so it's gay voyeurism at best, cuckoldry at worst. Escaped that trap this time by finding a lead actor that looked like me. Felt right, but it's obviously difficult to find the right conditions, and that's probably one of the main reasons I stopped watching normal genres in favor of depraved fetishes like femdom. Best to avoid it all entirely; have sex with a real woman instead of attempting to simulate something with porn.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018
  3. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 1

    After doing some soul-searching last night, I'm on the right track. Good time to begin anew.
     
  4. Merton

    Merton Member

    I think this is a key point. Porn seems to be all about voyeurism (at least for me). For this reason it is completely removed from what normal sex is. What I mean to say is that it pushes us even further from having normal sex lives.
     
  5. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Good point, Merton. I'm not sure if normalcy is advisable if we could reach for something higher but things are certainly fucked the way they are.

    Day 0
    Relapsed yesterday, having gone about a week. Things were going amazingly well until I started watching TV and Youtube. Triggered hard, a complete 180: going from pure feelings to lusting feelings. It's a sickness. And it would be so easy to purge it if a part of me wasn't still attached to it.

    I'll need to figure this out and get back on track.
     
  6. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 0
    I've returned to a healthy mindset so tomorrow will be day 1 assuming I keep this up. Basically have no desire for porn and that mindset seems to be sustainable as long as I stay on a righteous path and avoid societal evils such as youtube and television.

    I'm even stronger than I was before, as I now understand how attraction for these images is rooted in delusional thinking. We grasp endlessly for things that are unattainable, wasting our time and energy. That is not how we're supposed to live; energies should be redirected towards more fulfilling pursuits.
     
  7. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 1
    Basically on track since yesterday but today is more official. I want start slow and regain my confidence so going hard mode until the end of the month - about 2.5 weeks.
     
    Merton likes this.
  8. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 0
    That lasted 4-5 days. Would call it a slippery slope effect, but that's an excuse - realistically, I had relapsed mentally before even booting up my computer, having had too many impure thoughts, slacking off in terms of maintaining resolve... An iron-clad self-discipline cannot have holes.

    Still haven't MO'd, and I don't plan to. Will avoid hitting rock bottom if I can stumble my way to the finish line. Not the most inspiring way to put it, but my best streak was one in which my day 1 of no PMO was about day 7 of no MO; starting off with a partial victory.

    Maybe I will keep my head in the game if I make a habit of writing here every day, even if I don't have much to say. Exactly 2 weeks left in the month so that seems like a suitable goal once again.
     
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
  9. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Can't even call this a relapse, because I've failed to get off the ground since my misguided post last Friday; not even a partial victory at this point...

    I wanted today to be day 1 but ended up MO'ing right out of the gate, having awoken from an erotic dream (trigger warning). The dream started off as a sexually healthy relationship (me being the dominant partner) and that part was very good but unfortunately the dream did not stop there... things became more twisted. I got paired with an older woman who enjoyed abusing me and somehow I enjoyed her abuse. That's what I finished to. Depressing... it's as if I'm trolling myself.

    I don't even know if it's possible to defeat this fetish. It's probably somewhat porn derived, but I can't deny the possibility that I might be a cuck. Whenever I'm aroused by something normal, I feel compelled to masturbate to it to prove to myself that I'm not a cuck. Yet to have so many dreams and fantasies that point in the opposite direction... starts off as light teasing, doesn't end until I'm thoroughly emasculated.

    Now I feel the need to PMO to something normal in order to rebalance my mind.
     
  10. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Do you feel you need to defeat the fetish, or could it just be a healthy part of your sexuality?
     
  11. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Not all of sexuality is healthy; the immoral parts must be defeated.

    Day 1
    I can't justify another Day 0 so I'm starting today and going until the end of the month - should be enough to get my confidence back. Its been a shit month but I can finish strong.
     
  12. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 2
    That was one of my strongest Day 1's. While our environment is important, the war is 90% internal. The Buddha's 8-Fold Path can be applied here: Right Effort + Right Concentration + Right Mindfulness + Right View + Right Intention + Right Speech + Right Action = Right Livelihood.

    Not sure if there's much difference between effort, intention, and action; same with concentration vs mindfulness vs view. I tend to boil everything down to focus and action and I wonder if that is too much of a simplification.
     
    Merton likes this.
  13. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 3
    Good day yesterday. I'm getting better at falling asleep when I need to fall asleep instead of using it as an excuse to fantasize about pornography. Good intention.

    Feeling energized.
     
    Merton likes this.
  14. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 4
    It wasn't a fluke - energy levels have returned. Probably something to do with dopamine receptors recovering, and getting more sleep.
     
  15. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 5
    Experienced some of the erotic thoughts that crushed me last time, but only as a short blip. Goes away if you shut it down quick enough. I don't think there's anything new to discover from going down that road so best to cut it out. At the very least, some roads are better than others, and I prefer the one I'm on now.
     
  16. Merton

    Merton Member

    This is great. It is amazing how much of a mental game addiction is. As you did, we have to be careful with which thoughts we allow to roam around in our heads.
     
    mikehunt likes this.
  17. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Agreed. The more power you give to delusion, the more difficult it is to break free.

    Day 6
    Great day yesterday.
     
  18. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 7
    Hectic day yesterday yet maintained strong resolve all throughout. Journaling every day seems to help.
     
  19. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 8
    The stress of the past week was not so bad. It's much more dangerous to be in an environment where you can relax.
     
    Merton likes this.
  20. mikehunt

    mikehunt New Member

    Day 9
    Felt some urges yesterday. A lazy, unmotivated attitude often triggers such urges.

    Need to get my head back in the game, focus on what matters.
     
    Merton likes this.

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