Hello everyone, I just want to say first n foremost thank you for taking the time to read my thread. There doesn’t seem to be a standard way to start these things so I guess I’ll just type my story the way I feel like it should be told. I’m 24 years old, and I realized that porn was a problem about a year and a half ago. I’ve been trying to quit ever since. And I’m feeling all the more hopeless as more time passes. Therefore I’m going to make this journal and update it every weekday and maybe some weekends in hopes of getting support. Porn has taken me to some dark places that I wish I’ve never been and never want to go back to. I want to get everything off my chest and all the things I’ve done no matter how repugnant it may be. I’m going to open myself, raw, in its entirety for everyone to judge no matter how bad it may be so that I can try to heal. I guess with that introduction I should begin from the beginning I remember watching tidbits and snips of porn from those in infamous old illegal cable boxes as young as late elementary school. Although this was in no way consistent I was drawn to pornography from a young age and unfortunately would not grow out of it. The next thing I remember is the discovery masturbation probably when I was in 6th or 7th grade which at that time I still had not gone through puberty. Although the illegal cable box was long gone, it didn’t stop me from masturbating. I began to do it in places where i felt relaxed and was able to make up daydreams of sexual encounters with my classmates. However as time passed I guess this didn’t satisfy me anymore and I wanted something new so I began to masturbate with people in the same room as me. This was basically all family members and there wasn’t any sexual attraction, however the possibility of getting caught is what made it new for me. As you can imagine while doing this I would try to achieve orgasm as soon as possible, probably the beginning of my worse problems now. Fast forward to sophomore year of high school, my family had finally gotten an internet connection (we were very late in that department). I still have kept up my habits or masturbation and now I had access to the internet. At that time there was no free porn unless you downloaded it from PVP programs like bearshare or limewire (jesus Christ that’s old) and at that time it would take ages to download a porn clip, and not only that, but you wouldn’t even know if it was any good until you downloaded it all (and I remember hating the times where a file downloaded halfway and I click on it to see that it was a really good clip wishing I had all of it). However my drive to find sexual visual stimulation still kept me at it. When I was really itching for anything pornographic I would open several gifs or ads from paid porn websites just to try to get off. What’s worse is that there was only one computer in the house and when I really wanted that PMO I would still do it 6, or 7 o clock at night with everyone still awake and about leading me to get caught a few times by my mother. She never said anything, she would just go about her business as if she saw nothing, but oh god what I would do to erase those moments from life. This pretty much carried on throughout high school and into a little bit of college. At this time in the porn world it was still somewhat tame. I think the most disquieting thing in porn I saw was a bukakke and even though I had a wtf look I was still turned on and wanted to get off on it. After getting used to porn I was still in search of new sensations for getting off which led to me masturbating outside, trying different things to masturbate with and even masturbating while sitting out on the windowsill 2 stories high (sigh this is probably the type of thing I shouldn't say) Things progressed even worse around sophomore year of college when i got a laptop in the comfort of my own room. At this time porn had really exploded on the internet. It wasn't limited to paysites, free clips, or spending hours downloading a single scene. Now there were free streaming sites with thousands of scenes and all types of categories. It was there even when you didn’t want it with porn ads on regular websites. Not only was it so readily available but the diversity of porn had really grown. There were the regular categories like big boobs, anal, threesome, toys, and racial categories. And then was the appearance of real hardcore stuff that was just starting to come out like squirting, deep throating, gagging, cum swapping, extreme types of bondages. Although I wasn’t proud of watching porn I never thought any of it was harmful to me. I would spend hours upon hours watching porn in search of that perfect or more extreme scene that I would want to finally masturbate to. I would introduce myself to new types of porn and watch so much of it that I would no longer be interested in it anymore and search for more, and the cycle kept going and going. My tastes got so bad that I watched types of porn that I would hate to admit like transsexual porn, water sports, and even scenes involving vomit. At first I would read those titles and have a wtf face and only clicked on it because I was curious to see what the video was like, but very easily I began searching for those videos to get off to. On a somewhat related note my sex life has never been what I wanted it to be. I had my first girlfriend/sexual encounter around my last year of high school/beginning of college. From the beginning of when I started having sex I had trouble holding back my ejaculation during sex. It wasn’t a real issue for our sex life since we still had a pretty good one but I was just never able to control it. It’s still definitely an issue to me 6 years later with my second girlfriend and is the main reason why I want to quit. Hopefully I can reverse the damage that porn has done to my mind and maybe see improvements in the real reason of why I want to quit. At first I thought I had tried everything including penis exercises, edging, sprays, even purchasing a fleshlight hoping it would desensitize me from the real thing. Nothing happened to work and things only became worse. Around senior year of college I began to have erectile problems. It would take me longer to get them and they weren’t as strong as they had been before. I didn’t seem to notice until my girlfriend had mentioned it. However, since I began trying to quit I have seen an improvement getting and staying up. Finally I was 22, in my first year of grad school and I finally admitted to myself I had a problem. I stumbled on sites like your brain on porn, and readings from various sources about porn and its effects on the brain, the nervous system, and sexual function. I told myself I wanted to quit and I tried but failed countless times. I would feel good for about a week but the urges would return especially when I was bored or studying which were huge triggers for me to watch porn because of my old habits. I would type in the name of a porn site and then I would delete. Then I would go to the porn site just to see what they had and close it. I would slowly break down. I would watch only a few minutes and say it’s okay because I didn’t masturbate, but then eventually I would break down and pmo. In other attempts to avoid watching porn, I would go on craigslist looking at personal ads saying it’s okay because they were only pictures. Here my porn addiction had progressed beyond a porn addiction. Through my frivolous searches on craigslist and attempts to avoid masturbating to porn I ended up visiting someone who had a personal ad on craigslist. This was my lowest of my lows. I told myself that I would never do it again but it did happen a few more times after that. I’ve tried quitting many times without getting past more than a month with different methods. I’ve tried crossing off days, carrying NA milestone coins to try to remind motivate myself every day, I also tried going on NA chatrooms looking for support saying that I had an addiction but didn’t specify what I was addicted to. However these never worked and I would end up breaking and I would break hard, watching porn for hours a day for days telling myself that I might as well watch as much as I want to. So here I am at hopefully what will be my last resort. I want to update this blog everyday about how I’m feeling and how I’m getting through quitting. I just pmo’d to some pretty distasteful porn so this is day 1 of a long and hopefully permanent journey. I hope I can find support for those times that are really hard, and I invite anyone who is trying to quit to update here with me on a regular basis as well. Again I thank you for taking the time to read this and for any support I receive.