Journal: Where is the end?? I'm drowning and I can't see the surface...

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by lost trainer, Apr 26, 2014.

  1. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Hello everyone, I just want to say first n foremost thank you for taking the time to read my thread. There doesn’t seem to be a standard way to start these things so I guess I’ll just type my story the way I feel like it should be told.

    I’m 24 years old, and I realized that porn was a problem about a year and a half ago. I’ve been trying to quit ever since. And I’m feeling all the more hopeless as more time passes. Therefore I’m going to make this journal and update it every weekday and maybe some weekends in hopes of getting support. Porn has taken me to some dark places that I wish I’ve never been and never want to go back to. I want to get everything off my chest and all the things I’ve done no matter how repugnant it may be. I’m going to open myself, raw, in its entirety for everyone to judge no matter how bad it may be so that I can try to heal. I guess with that introduction I should begin from the beginning

    I remember watching tidbits and snips of porn from those in infamous old illegal cable boxes as young as late elementary school. Although this was in no way consistent I was drawn to pornography from a young age and unfortunately would not grow out of it.
    The next thing I remember is the discovery masturbation probably when I was in 6th or 7th grade which at that time I still had not gone through puberty. Although the illegal cable box was long gone, it didn’t stop me from masturbating. I began to do it in places where i felt relaxed and was able to make up daydreams of sexual encounters with my classmates. However as time passed I guess this didn’t satisfy me anymore and I wanted something new so I began to masturbate with people in the same room as me. This was basically all family members and there wasn’t any sexual attraction, however the possibility of getting caught is what made it new for me. As you can imagine while doing this I would try to achieve orgasm as soon as possible, probably the beginning of my worse problems now.

    Fast forward to sophomore year of high school, my family had finally gotten an internet connection (we were very late in that department). I still have kept up my habits or masturbation and now I had access to the internet. At that time there was no free porn unless you downloaded it from PVP programs like bearshare or limewire (jesus Christ that’s old) and at that time it would take ages to download a porn clip, and not only that, but you wouldn’t even know if it was any good until you downloaded it all (and I remember hating the times where a file downloaded halfway and I click on it to see that it was a really good clip wishing I had all of it). However my drive to find sexual visual stimulation still kept me at it. When I was really itching for anything pornographic I would open several gifs or ads from paid porn websites just to try to get off. What’s worse is that there was only one computer in the house and when I really wanted that PMO I would still do it 6, or 7 o clock at night with everyone still awake and about leading me to get caught a few times by my mother. She never said anything, she would just go about her business as if she saw nothing, but oh god what I would do to erase those moments from life. This pretty much carried on throughout high school and into a little bit of college. At this time in the porn world it was still somewhat tame. I think the most disquieting thing in porn I saw was a bukakke and even though I had a wtf look I was still turned on and wanted to get off on it. After getting used to porn I was still in search of new sensations for getting off which led to me masturbating outside, trying different things to masturbate with and even masturbating while sitting out on the windowsill 2 stories high (sigh this is probably the type of thing I shouldn't say)

    Things progressed even worse around sophomore year of college when i got a laptop in the comfort of my own room. At this time porn had really exploded on the internet. It wasn't limited to paysites, free clips, or spending hours downloading a single scene. Now there were free streaming sites with thousands of scenes and all types of categories. It was there even when you didn’t want it with porn ads on regular websites. Not only was it so readily available but the diversity of porn had really grown. There were the regular categories like big boobs, anal, threesome, toys, and racial categories. And then was the appearance of real hardcore stuff that was just starting to come out like squirting, deep throating, gagging, cum swapping, extreme types of bondages. Although I wasn’t proud of watching porn I never thought any of it was harmful to me. I would spend hours upon hours watching porn in search of that perfect or more extreme scene that I would want to finally masturbate to. I would introduce myself to new types of porn and watch so much of it that I would no longer be interested in it anymore and search for more, and the cycle kept going and going. My tastes got so bad that I watched types of porn that I would hate to admit like transsexual porn, water sports, and even scenes involving vomit. At first I would read those titles and have a wtf face and only clicked on it because I was curious to see what the video was like, but very easily I began searching for those videos to get off to.

    On a somewhat related note my sex life has never been what I wanted it to be. I had my first girlfriend/sexual encounter around my last year of high school/beginning of college. From the beginning of when I started having sex I had trouble holding back my ejaculation during sex. It wasn’t a real issue for our sex life since we still had a pretty good one but I was just never able to control it. It’s still definitely an issue to me 6 years later with my second girlfriend and is the main reason why I want to quit. Hopefully I can reverse the damage that porn has done to my mind and maybe see improvements in the real reason of why I want to quit. At first I thought I had tried everything including penis exercises, edging, sprays, even purchasing a fleshlight hoping it would desensitize me from the real thing. Nothing happened to work and things only became worse. Around senior year of college I began to have erectile problems. It would take me longer to get them and they weren’t as strong as they had been before. I didn’t seem to notice until my girlfriend had mentioned it. However, since I began trying to quit I have seen an improvement getting and staying up.

    Finally I was 22, in my first year of grad school and I finally admitted to myself I had a problem. I stumbled on sites like your brain on porn, and readings from various sources about porn and its effects on the brain, the nervous system, and sexual function. I told myself I wanted to quit and I tried but failed countless times. I would feel good for about a week but the urges would return especially when I was bored or studying which were huge triggers for me to watch porn because of my old habits. I would type in the name of a porn site and then I would delete. Then I would go to the porn site just to see what they had and close it. I would slowly break down. I would watch only a few minutes and say it’s okay because I didn’t masturbate, but then eventually I would break down and pmo. In other attempts to avoid watching porn, I would go on craigslist looking at personal ads saying it’s okay because they were only pictures. Here my porn addiction had progressed beyond a porn addiction. Through my frivolous searches on craigslist and attempts to avoid masturbating to porn I ended up visiting someone who had a personal ad on craigslist. This was my lowest of my lows. I told myself that I would never do it again but it did happen a few more times after that. I’ve tried quitting many times without getting past more than a month with different methods. I’ve tried crossing off days, carrying NA milestone coins to try to remind motivate myself every day, I also tried going on NA chatrooms looking for support saying that I had an addiction but didn’t specify what I was addicted to. However these never worked and I would end up breaking and I would break hard, watching porn for hours a day for days telling myself that I might as well watch as much as I want to. So here I am at hopefully what will be my last resort. I want to update this blog everyday about how I’m feeling and how I’m getting through quitting. I just pmo’d to some pretty distasteful porn so this is day 1 of a long and hopefully permanent journey. I hope I can find support for those times that are really hard, and I invite anyone who is trying to quit to update here with me on a regular basis as well. Again I thank you for taking the time to read this and for any support I receive.
     
  2. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Hi lost trainer, welcome to the board. Acknowledging the problem is the first step along the path to dealing with it, so well done. Thank you also for mustering the courage to share your story. Be sure to read the advice of other rebooters in their journals. Approach your reboot with a determination to make a lifestyle change and you will succeed.
     
  3. myresponsibility

    myresponsibility New Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    All the best to you, you are not alone, I feel your struggle
     
  4. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    hello to everyone who reads this and Thanks for the replys
    Its the end of the second day of when I started and I've had urges but it's still early in the game so I'm able to ignore them. I've been home pretty much the whole day and spent the day studying and procrastinating. I think whats giving me the urges today is because I went out with some friends last night. There was a girl we were with who had a flirtatious nature. Now I was in my house all day and kept on thinking about things that happened last night and gave me thoughts of sex, porn, and masturbating. I need to study a little more and then go to sleep. Hopefully going to school tomorrow is going to get my head away from this weekend.
    Thank-you all for another day won
     
  5. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Day 3

    Today I didn't think about what happened during the weekend as much, which was what I was hoping would happen, so that was good. As I had hoped Monday class helped me get back into the rut of life. I had some pretty strong urges today when I got home. It's usually when I get back from school or the gym when my mind and body is exhausted that I get pretty strong urges. A few years ago I had made a stumble upon account that only had the sexually explicit interests checked off. Whenever I would go on that account I would only stumble on sexual and pornographic material. Today while I was studying I had the strongest urge to go back on that account and stumble on a few sites. The only thing that stopped me was that it's still early in the game and I guess my motivation is still high. I'm very apprehensive toward the days to come where the withdrawals and urges are strongest, and I just want to get those days over with already and I hope I have the strength to not relapse.
     
  6. v2sanchez

    v2sanchez Road to Enlightenment

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Welcome to the forum, best wishes
     
  7. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Day 4

    Today was pretty uneventful in terms of thinking about sex, porn, and urges. I had to woke up and went straight to school and was there the whole day which kept me pretty distracted. When I came back home I ate and took a nap from being so exhausted. Now here I am. I have to study a little more before I officially go to sleep so I hope I don't get any urges while studying.
     
  8. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Keep it up. You are doing really well. I suspect that the fatigue you are experiencing is a withdrawal symptom- I faced the same symptoms within a few days of my last reboot.
     
  9. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    day 5

    I'm posting my daily update a little earlier than usual but that's because I'm a little low on morale right now. I have to study because I have a final tomorrow and I'm procrastinating as well. The having to study, being forced to sit in front of a computer, urges to procrastinate, and my sexually aroused mind is really making it hard for me to stay strong. I've been thinking about sex and anything sexually oriented on TV right now is making me want to watch porn. While procrastinating I've looked at sexually stimulating images but I haven't watched porn. I'm fantasizing a lot and I just need some support. I'm sort of using this site to procrastinate with instead of porn and I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Please help, I need strength to say no, I need to light that fire under my ass again, I need that motivation that's stronger than my urges again.
     
  10. plateau325

    plateau325 Never Give Up!

    Re: The beginning of my journey

    Hang in there Lost Trainer, you can do this. It's going to take a lot of work but keep picturing the results of your progress and how fulfilling it will be when you achieve it. Write down your goals and some of the benefits you will achieve by giving up porn, such as:
    -Less sleep is needed to feel rested
    -Less irritability
    -Better short term memory
    -Absence of depression, anxiety, stress
    -More wisdom on subjects
    -Chicks will follow you
    -Easier to get up in the morning
    -Seeing big picture

    All of these and more are what you can look forward to in the days, months to come. You will become a new person before your eyes. If you are in any position like I am in where I've watched porn since I was 14 years old. I have over 10 years of my life to get back and figure out who I really am.

    Don't give up. Try studying in a library where its quiet but in a public setting. Get out of your room and laptop. Be around people and maybe even a study group could help you. :)
     
  11. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Day 6

    Thanks to everyone who has replied here and given me support and advice. I've been incredibly busy today that I haven't been able to dwell on watching porn and be tempted. Last night I was looking at sexual pictures and being very tempted. The good thing is that I haven't done that or had the urge to do that since. The bad thing is that it's probably because I haven't had time. Additionally I kept starring and fantasizing about my classmates during school today. I was also more touchy with my female classmates as well. So I haven't looked at any sexual pictures but it's still on my mind. Right now I have a whole night of studying and I hope I don't have any incredibly strong urges.
     
  12. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    day 7 early
    I'm getting really strong urges from procrastinating and boredom right now. Everything is a trigger. Anything on TV right now gives me an urge to put a search in a porn site. If i see a cute skinny girl on TV, I think of searching skinny bitch gets fucked or something. I saw an article about charlie sheen and his porn star girlfriend and I went looking for her videos. So far I would go on a porn clip and watch 10 or 15 seconds of the video or intermittently skip through it. I've done this with about 3 or 4 videos. I haven't PMO'd but I don't know if I should count this as a relapse. I figure if i cant stop it right here then I can still consider myself to still be on the wagon. That's it, I have to be strong, No More, I will not go on another porn site. I WILL NOT.
     
  13. plateau325

    plateau325 Never Give Up!

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Stop edging man.. If you keep watching these little clips here and there, eventually, you are going to fap no matter how much will power you think you have. Get rid of it completely. Do not allow yourself any access to porn related pics/messages/media/tv.. that's the only way.. at least for the first month.

    I've been relapsing for a year now and I finally figured out its because I kept tempting myself by edging and looking at porn clips every so often.. It needs to stop!

    Never give up brotha!
     
  14. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Hang in there, Lost Trainer, you are doing really well. Remember that whatever anguish the withdrawals are causing you, they are only temporary. I don't know what your situation is but if I was you I would get out of the house away from the temptation of technology. As a student with deadlines to meet; however, I know that this is easier said than done.
     
  15. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Hey everyone, I first wanted to say Thank you for all your support!! Reading your replies has really helped me get through the past 2 days where I've had some pretty hard trials. Before I post about today (day 9), I just want to first give a recap of everything that's happened since early day 7:

    Rest of day 7
    Throughout the rest of day 7, I had a pretty good day and stayed away from porn or anything sexual. Plateau, if your reading this, thank you for your support, your words first words really helped me that day. When I read it, it hit me instantly, "stop edging" I read it as if it was in the voice of a good friend telling their drunk buddy to stop doing something stupid. It gave me motivation to stop edging and to stay away from anything sexual. It really reminded me of why I wanted to quit porn. I was able to study and stay motivated enough to not give into urges or cravings.

    Day 8
    Day 8 started out well. Even though I was studying, I was around people for most of the day which really prevented me from having any urges. However things turned a little sour at night when I was left alone. I started to get urges again. My first urge involved cumshots on girls and I searched on google for girls talking about what they liked to do with cum after sex on discussion groups and forums. I didn't watch any porn but reading it was still graphic and would've probably been the same as watching porn or searching for pictures. The reading led me to watch youtube videos of trannys. They weren't doing anything sexual in the videos I watched. It was mostly trannys talking about their transformation or just talking about experiences unique to a tranny. I kept coming back here to read through the replies to my journal to get myself to stop and find some motivation. I think it helped, I think if I didn't come back here on this site every so often last night could have been much worse. I think I watched about 5 videos on youtube before I finally got the motivation to stop. I just decided to go to sleep and hope for a better day.

    Finally today, Day 9
    So I woke up and basically did some light studying in bed. However I just couldn't shake the urges from last night. Reading the posts written by girls and their preferences with cum stuck in my head and I wished I hadn't read about it the night before. I started looking for more posts on the same topic and eventually I watched 2 porn videos for about 10-15 seconds each again. While I was watching the second video I told myself "OKAY STOP". I closed the video and came here. Freedom, also if your reading this, thank you for your support. I don't know what it was but, again your first words hit me instantly. "hang in there, lost trainer" telling me to just endure the pain a little bit more, that it'll be over eventually. I stopped looking for sexual stimulation, finished studying that portion, made something to eat, and here I am posting about what happened. After what happened and reading all of your replies, I hope I have enough motivation to get through the long night of studying and resist any urges I may have. If I'm feeling weak I'll definitely be coming here for support.

    Again, I wanted to thank everyone who replied, especially plateau and freedom. Thanks for putting the time!!!in keeping up with my journal and giving me great words of encouragement when I've needed it. I've also been keeping up with your guys' journals as well. Even though I'm busy with finals, I've been reading through your struggles and try to make a post every now and then. C'MON GUYS WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!!!
     
  16. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Day 12

    hey everyone, I haven't updated in the last 2 days because I've been really busy with studying and taking finals. There's good news and bad news from day 9. Good news is that I had avoided porn and sexual material for day 10 and day 11 even through the late nights of studying with me and the computer. Bad news is that I let all the progress I made get to my head. I felt as if I could take a little breather, but no. Today I woke up with the strongest urge not to watch porn but to cum. My mind was so sexually wired I couldn't get it out of my head. I haven't had an orgasm in a while so right now I have moments where really sexually charged and I just can't shake it off. This morning laying in bed I kept fantasizing about my classmates, porn, and even prostitutes on craigslist thinking what it would be like if i visited one. In the morning before I left for school I went on cam 4, a webcam porn site for about a minute but I shut it off after that and I left the house.
    When I got back I couldn't stop myself and I went on cam4 again. I found this girl broadcasting from her backyard touching herself. I knew I should not have been watching but I just couldn't close my browser.. she was just so cute. After about 5 or 10 min of watching her on and off I finally closed it. I didn't watch much, just her sitting and playing with herself every now and then. When she did start touching herself to cum I closed the browser. After a while the urges kept coming back and I went back on. I found this redhead shemale that looked so much like a real girl. I couldn't tear myself away. Again I knew I shouldn't bee doing it but I kept watching. She was broadcasting with another guy and I was mostly watching them sit around and she would play with him every now and then. When it started to get intense I closed it.
    Now here I am posting here trying to get myself to stop. Before today I didn't consider myself as having watched porn since the reboot. But now here I admit I've watched porn. Before it was a few short 15 second clips, and now it was 10-15 minutes of nothing really explicit, just naked people sitting around. But I'm afraid its only a matter of time before I start watching real hardcore porn. I don't know what I should do. I haven't masturbated to porn since I started but I have watched porn. Should I reset my counter and start over? or do I keep going.
    I really need some help. I need some advice as to what I should do. I don't know if I'm allowed to keep going if I've watched a little bit of porn. I really need some support right now. I'm weak and all I can do is think about girls, porn, sex, personal ads on craigslist. Sigh this is not going to be easy. I only had one more final tomorrow and I thought I would be able to get through it without any slip ups.
    Please someone help.
     
  17. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: Never forget why you started

    Day 18

    Okay so, I survived finals week without PMO'ing, but it hasn't been uneventful. My last final was last Thursday on day 13 and a lot has happened since then. I had been so sexually charged and stressed from finals I went on the unmoderated section of Omegle after I showered. I didn't cum, and I didn't interact with any girls but I was on there broadcasting shirtless, honestly in search of a girl. After about 20 min I more or less snapped out of it or gave up and continued to get ready to go out to meet friends who were sort of waiting for me. In pursuit of avoiding porn I know I've looked elsewhere for sexual stimulation like Omegle, Cam4, or craigslist and I know I need to find a way to stop this.

    After hanging out with my friends the night before, some of which were girls, I was still just as sexually charged on day 14. The entire week had been tough, and not having MO'd, lack of sleep, and finals made it hard for me not to think about MO'ing. So I did that day. I masturbated to orgasm on my bed without watching any porn. For the rest of the day I hung around my apartment resting from finals.

    On day 15 I hung out with my girlfriend and it was pretty uneventful in terms of watching porn, mostly because I was with her. On day 16 I went to a family gathering and was pretty distracted from porn and masturbating. On day 17 I pretty much kept myself busy and stayed pretty distracted from porn and masturbating.

    Right now is day 18 at night. I have mixed feelings and I don't even know where to start. I haven't MO'd in a while and my sexual thoughts are building up stronger now, and I've been watching porn. I would put in a search phrase in google that was inspired by something sexual I saw on T.V and I would click on a video and skim through it, and I've done that for more than a few videos already. Shit, even as I'm typing this I'm going back and forth skimming videos trying not to watch too much but still watching. I try to remind myself that if I want to fuck the way I want to fuck, free of sexual problems like PE I need to be free of this demon so I can really start working things out.

    In another direction, I'm losing hope for this website. Previously I've been diligently posting daily updates as much as I can, although the responses have been greatly helpful and appreciated, I've only gotten a few dedicated responses. Therefore, I'm left wondering how many people actually take the time to read all of this and care, also I feel like I'm not getting enough support. I'm not blaming anyone for this, I guess this is just the nature of forums. Even for me, I've tried to contribute to other people's thread, but it's still hard to constantly keep up. The lack of responses has strongly decreased my motivation to post the last few days, especially since I had been successfully avoiding porn until today. One of the questions I've been pondering the past few days, is whether or not I should stop relying on this forum for support like I did in the beginning, and instead just try to use this journal as my personal motivation to keep on going.

    Like I've said before I need to find a way to avoid all types of sexual stimulation. I think to do this I'm going to change my signature and take out some counters and put in some new ones. I think it might be best to add a counter for days last watched porn, especially if I can't stop watching clips of it. In addition, I'm in search of your guy's opinion. Should I avoid all masturbation? Should I avoid all orgasms? (although I don't think this would be possible since I have a girlfriend and she would be curious as to why I want to stop having sex). Although I know if I masturbate, I can decrease my urges to watch porn and find sexual stimulation. So I don't know what to do and I need your opinions, and help.

    In a better note, I'm 3 days away from not masturbating to porn, and I'm kind of excited for hitting 3 weeks and then a month. Although I don't know if this really counts since I have watched porn and masturbated on separate occasions. Again I would need your opinions to help me decide this.

    Finally after about an hour of writing this I feel like I've gotten everything off my chest, and this has helped a lot, and I feel like I'll be able to resist the urges to watch porn tonight. For anyone who reads this and anyone who responds, thank you for your help and support.
     
  18. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal: haven't relapsed(PMO'd) but I feel like I'm starting over(I watched P)

    Firstly the key to staying on top of the addiction and healing any sexual issues is too not define 'porn' so strictly as a porn website and not to strictly define relapse as masrurbsting to porn to orgasm.

    Real healing takes place on the days you do not peek at porn, do not fantasize about porn and certainly on the days you don't go searching for it hoping you stumble upon it. Your goal should be not to act on the urge to have a quick look. Your just dragging the process out by giving your brain little hits of what its missing.

    PE can be fixed by no porn but also learning how to slowly get aroused and also correctly masturbating. Something to think about.

    Also you have 16 posts. People build friendships on here through mutual support and a give/take relationship. Maybe find some peoples stories that you find similar and help them and encourage their journey and you will find your journal having more support and more interest.

    Best of luck.
     
  19. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: haven't relapsed(PMO'd) but I feel like I'm starting over(I watched P)

    Day 19

    So today I haven't masturbated but even after I posted the reply for day 18 I went on craigslist just to look at available girls (including trannies), which is why I had to reset my counters. And just a little bit before I went on craigslist again and also skimmed through a video of porn. So this is the end of day 19. I haven't PMO'd, but I have watched porn and masturbated on different occasions. I'm 2 days away from 3 weeks so I guess lets see how far I get. Feeling a little down about this reboot.

    Additionally Thanks gameover for replying, I took a look at your journals, and congratulations on all the improvements you've made. I hope i can make it as far as you have!!
     
  20. lost trainer

    lost trainer New Member

    Re: Journal: haven't relapsed(PMO'd) but I feel like I'm starting over(I watched P)

    Day 20

    I'm almost at 3 weeks!! But there are still some things getting me down. Today I MO'd. I don't know if I should be masturbating while on this reboot, but at the same time it would be hard to avoid orgasms since I have a girlfriend. I would still like to hear any opinions or advice about this topic. I've also constantly had to reset 2 of my 3 counters because I keep watching clips of porn and going on sites like cam4, omegle, and craigslist. I hope hitting 3 weeks will really motivate me to stop going on those sites and watching porn. The main reason I'm down about this reboot is because I don't think ill ever find a solution to my PE problem. I MO'd today and it was pretty quick. This problem has been with me since forever and it's the main reason I wanted to get off porn. It's also the main reason why I haven't explored sexual relationships with more girls because of fear of embarrassment. I really want to try hard to get rid of this problem but nothing I've tried has worked before and I'm feeling really down because of this. Anyone has anything to say about this please don't hesitate to reply.
     

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