Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    1 or 2 people on my Facebook have posted about their successes with quitting cigs or alcohol, and they always get a lot of likes. I couldn't help thinking if we posted about quitting porn what the reaction would be! I doubt it's something anybody would do, unless they were really sure of themselves.

    I'm proud to know I'm battling away with lots of determined guys who know just how exceptionally difficult, and often lonely (because so misunderstood), the journey away from this addiction can be.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well, I've started working as a teacher, and I go swimming once a week. My jogging routine has slipped a bit, but that's because I injured my knee and it's not getting any better.

    I have been drinking more alcohol, coffee, I'm smoking again, and my porn use is pretty much the same as it's always been.

    I don't have any friends, and I tried a few social events and gave up, because I just don't get on well with people. It always ends up being about them are their needs. Also being a teacher I have to give a lot of myself to my work. So my external mask is perfect, I am an adult in every way and I never complain about my problems to people. But because my inner child, my emotions, continue to suffer, I can't connect with people. So I have no choice but to revert to the drugs (caffeine, porn, alcohol, internet) to feel good about myself. I drank nearly a bottle of red wine yesterday and it was the happiest I have felt in years, and I've never been a big drinker.

    My counter has not been reset for ages, it doesn't reflect my actual progress.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Enjoyed Prince Harry talking about mental health issues on a podcast today. Bringing it more to the public awareness is a good thing, although I often listen to these things thinking, 'Christ, you people don't know what suffering means!' But that's my victimised side talking, and a tad selfish of me, as pain is deeply personal to everybody, and we each have our own crosses to carry.

    The worst feeling in the world is self-loathing. I often think self-loathing is not connected to a mental-health problem, which is why I've failed to find any professional therapist to help address it. Hating oneself is simply something one has to stop doing, right now, otherwise there is no hope for you, and no doctor or mental health professional can really help you with that one.

    The flaw in love is hate. It is very easy, when you don't believe in yourself, to embrace the negatives in your life in order to get attention, since you've lost all faith in your positive attributes to create anything good for you. You begin defining yourself and your life by the negatives, since it is easier and takes far less courage. An easy and unfortunate trap to fall into.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Cycled 40 miles this week, swimming stamina is also improving.

    Had a small breakthrough regarding some of my anger. Feel very strongly that I crave positive male role-models in my life, but most guys reject me because I am not typically 'cool' or tough. This angers me about men because it makes me think their machismo is fake, and they haven't really got the courage to help those weaker than themselves, but just use me to make themselves look better. Male competitiveness is something I struggle with. These stronger guys could help me, but instead ignore me or belittle me.

    I understand it isn't their fault, but the rejection triggers the trauma of the rejection by my absent father who should have been there for me and wasn't, hence my anger and struggles with male bonding in general.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2017
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  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    My friend told me yesterday 'but you're intelligent and a guy who is always there for his friends'. I almost started crying because I realised nobody had said anything nice to me like that in years. I am always the person messaging my friends and I'm genuinely interested in learning about people and their lives and also their difficulties. I just find it monumentanely difficult to apply my positive regard for others to myself. My friend also has social anxiety, but is very brave in his attempts to face his fears and I seem to have lost this courage recently. He says he doesn't suffer from depression though whereas I have been afflicted by it for as long as I can remember.
  6. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Hi TheScriabin,
    I find your journal very interesting to read. Lots of good insights in it. I also find much to relate to.
    I wish you strength and resilience for your journey to freedom!
  7. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Me, too, man. I read what you wrote on Titan's journal about feeling out of it, here. You needn't, imo. I, for example, like Titan, can relate to a lot of what you share.

    Good best of luck, Bro.

    PS Love yr avatar pic, btw. ;)
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey Billy B, and thanks! I feel very welcomed here and you guy's messages has really lifted my mood, so much so that I had a fairly motivated and active day, and I want to express my thanks for that.

    It's always me who is my worst enemy, and I can convince myself I'm the 'outsider' even if people are very welcoming! It's crazy, like a fear of being 'found out', or perhaps the fear of getting too close to people, so I self-sabotage before ever allowing myself the chance for these things to happen.

    Cheers! Yeah, there's something similar in our avatars... Mine features Hugh Cameron, a Scottish boxer, and the image was famously used by The Pogues on their album 'Peace and Love'.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Something I wanted to share with the forum, from Psychology Today. I don't always like the pop psychology of that site, but I think this article contains some good stuff. Being an authentic adult is an important part of this journey, since there is so much of the hurt and immature child in our self-defeating behaviours. It is not our fault we got this way, and that suffering child's pain is entirely justified. But now we are adults, we are the only ones who can do something to liberate ourselves from that pain. The most powerful passage that hit me was:

    The major deterrent to living an adult existence lies in the fear of growing up. This includes the fear of breaking imagined connections with parents, being alone, standing out as an individual, having a strong point of view, recognizing one’s value and confronting the inevitability of death, the ultimate separation from self.
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2017
  10. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Oh... I can totally relate!

    I thought he looked familiar!

    Mine is Les Darcy, an Irish Australian from the 20's. He was a bloody legend, an absolute gentleman, loyal to his family and something of a conscientious objector to the Great War. Govt and the Boxing Establishment totally fcuk'd him over, of course. :(
  11. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Im glad to see you back! When some time ago found your journal really find much to relate in there. Felt sorry that you seemed to have disappeared from this board(like so many great guys do from here, I can only hope they find some other way to get rid of this addiction or return at last).
    That quote what you wrote above struck strongly to me. Actually, its just the thing Im going through. To learn to stand on my own. I recognized what I wrote in my journal before reading yours kind of reflects just this. Thanks for sharing!

    I hope you have a good day. :)
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today I attended a large social event - a local garden party to celebrate the wedding anniversary of some friends, and I must admit I felt fairly confident socially, and impressed myself. I chatted to some young people too, and they are often a source of considerable anxiety for me. But then the elderly make me anxious too because they can be quite blunt. But I kept my head up high, and I listened closely to everything people said to me, keeping my mind focused when it started to wander, and it went ok. I even ended up chatting to a pretty young lady at the end, who, even though she was ridiculously too young for me, I enjoyed the fact I was feeling fairly relaxed while chatting to an attractive female, as this has not generally been my experience in the past. I wish I had felt so relaxed when I was her age, as I often feel like I missed out on the best years of my life. But I shouldn't cry over spilt milk. All we ever have is now, and we have to make the most of it!
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2017
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  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Do you box yourself then Billy B? It's something that has often interested me. I had an introductory, entry level fight once (kind of for fun), but I'm very slight of build and I became exhausted very quickly, so I'd need to bulk up considerably if I wanted to take it up as a regular thing. Anybody who's never tried to box has no idea how absolutely physically draining it is!
    Last edited: Jun 18, 2017
  14. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Yes! It's intense!

    On only ever dabbled, really. And never got up the confidence to get in the ring. To be honest, even controlled violence scares the shit out of me :D but I feel much more confident that, if it ever became unavoidable, I could have a crack at defending myself (or my friends). In fact, the confidence gained from martial arts training has meant that, on more than one occasion, I've been able to bluff my way out of trouble, talking the other fella down. I'm only lil' myself but I can stand tall!

    Really, what kind of idiot wants to spend his Saturday night at the ER or in the lock up with his best suit ruined?

    Mucho bullshit.

    I really need to get some cardio and there's no training like boxing-training to get you fit. I'm thinkin' I should go see my old trainer, see if he'll have me back.

    Don't worry about being small though, mate (you can be quick!) but yeah, one needs to be hard and fit as a bloody fiddle!
  15. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    Aaah! That's great to hear, man. The more of these positive experiences we can have, the easier situations like this will feel, in general. Well done!
  16. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    Again I can relate very strongly what you wrote in here. Would it be that I would have known the things in my youth that I do now..
    But as you said, its still not too late for make the best of whats left for us. Maybe some opportunities are gone, but maybe we have a change to have something that other people who managed their lives in their youths but are now stuck in their own circles cannot achieve at this age?
    So good to hear that you managed that social event so well. Every success in that kind of things will really boost one's self-confidence profoundly.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today was one of the most horrible days I've had for ages. Work always drags me down, feel like it's not going anywhere and I haven't progressed in 15 years.

    But still no PMO. I'm just going to ride out the shittiness. I'm now entering the P withdrawal stages which send my mind really loopy. I start thinking I'm a sex maniac permanently damaged by this stuff, like I'm only a half-step away from being a deviant, pervert or molester. It's frightening, as you don't realise how 'sick' you've become when your normality has been a certain way for so long, and you don't even question it. Being distracted by all the gorgeous girls out in their dresses in the summer time, I know this is normal and healthy for a man, but is my constant preoccupation with it so healthy? I should be focusing on other things. My feelings towards women feel more desperate than pleasurable at the moment, if I'm honest.
  18. Billy B.

    Billy B. PMO is NOT an option!

    That's the way. Good job.

    Yeah man, it's like... we get to step back from the sickness and watch it play out, it's confronting! It arcs up too, because it wants it's bloody fix... it becomes kind of inflated.

    Not sure if this will help, but I decided just to smile at it and do my best to let it go. Of course, I'd be doin' that a hundred times a day in the beginning and I'm not saying it wasn't a challenge. Takes less energy than fighting it, though. And after all, the reason it's so in our faces is because we're stepping back from it, taking positive action: for that we can stand proud (as many men don't have the courage or conscience to do so.) You're not a creep, TS, you're just a bloke who's sexuality has been hijacked. In fact, again, you're the anti-thesis of creepy because you do have a conscience and you are listening to it, giving it the credence it deserves.

    Sending posi-vibes to ya, Bro. Healing is absolutely possible, with time. Believe it! :cool:
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  19. titan_transcendence

    titan_transcendence Well-Known Member

    I feel too heavily burdened after the day in work, even if it was a light one. Its just as you wrote, the feeling of being stuck in one's life. We feel like leaves drifting in the wind, we dare or do not know where we should really be, what kind of life we really should be living. This feeling of entrapment is the huge source of negativity and misery in our lives, making us feel to need to escape - even for a little while. There the addiction will present itself, offering us the way to do it. But trying to get through the life with this way by escaping to sweet oblivion for awhile is just to fool oneself, making the misery and feeling of emptiness just stronger. Pain is there to teach us, to learn to find the right path.

    What you wrote about feeling a deviant, I know that too all too well. I agree what Billy wrote above. Our sexuality has just been hijacked by this self-indulging culture. We have tried to seek normal, healthy intimacy but this what was offered to us and we got fooled by it. P is twisted form of the real, genuine need to be loved and caressed that every one of us have. We have escalated to many kinds of fetishes to feed the emptiness, because P can not ever really satisfy that base need in ourselves. We have tried to seek deeper and then sunk even more low in that futile try.
    Good thing to remember too is to what we obsess about, only goes further away from us. The real genuine sexuality will happen quite naturally, and comfortably, if we are up to it. That means we should obtain some kind of equilibrium first into our lives.

    I laud for your resilience of going through these difficult feelings.
    I wish you strength for this journey for better life.
    TheScriabin and Billy B. like this.
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Day 6 no PMO
    Day 4 no MO

    I am sure if we could project ourselves into the future, look back, observe ourselves being from a more objective viewpoint, we would be a lot kinder and gentler to ourselves than we often are in the midst of our struggles, mistakes, setbacks and failures. Perhaps mindfulness is about this? I don't know, as I haven't looked into it.

    If we can attempt to nurture this attitude whilest we are on the road to recovery, we should save ourselves a good deal of unnecessary self-inflicted pain and self-chastisement. Unfortunately, the challenge is so great, the mountain so seemingly insurmountable, that it is very easy to beat ourselves up as we are inevitably brought face to face with, and often feel overwhelmed by, our deepest fears, and beating ourselves up provides comfort as well as the perfect excuse to give up and not face the demons. But as we travel further down this road, the more one understands what we are going through is about much more than simply quitting P, we can forgive ourselves our weaknesses and moments of childish self-pity. Changing one's life is in the upper echelons of the hardest thing a person will ever have to do, and it is not surprising how easy it is to slip back into our 'solutions' that we derive the most self-esteem and security from. It takes a lot of insight and courage to move away from these comforts, the easy path, and forge a new way with the understanding and belief that we are most definitely doing the right thing, even though our inner doubts shout loudly to us at all times to throw in the towel.

    I have been seriously considering a career change, but this is scary as I am only highly skilled in one particular area, which is music. Music has become such a source of frustration and misery for me, though, that I am thinking about other options, patiently seeing where my nose leads me. I ask myself the question a lot: what would I do, if I didn't do music? What am I naturally drawn to? When do I feel happiest and most connected with myself? The answer for me seems to be in something outdoorsy. I find being in nature or working with natural materials always lifts my mood, sawing wood, gardening etc, and I just don't think I had the opportunity growing up to develop confidence in things more physical/labour/practical-oriented because my ego derived so much from the praise I received doing music (which was my father's profession and I wanted to find a way to get closer to him after he left my mother when I was 5). Owing to my musical gifts, my family always understood there was most likely no other career available to me, but it feels as though this has really become a burden and a curse, rather than a beautiful gift. A professional career in music is about selling yourself, proving yourself, being the best. You have to be exceptional, or you aren't really anything, and for me there is simply no joy in it any more. I just want to be myself, and be accepted for myself, not because I'm a talented musician. I hate all that narcissistic 'look at me' shit. I just want to be a person, enjoying life and the company of others simply by virtue of the fact we are alive and existing together, not because we're all special and talented and wonderful. Yuck, give me a break! :mad: However, I do accept most careers are the same, and they all have their competitive elements where we need to excel if we are to succeed, but it might be good to explore this in an area that I felt less personally attached to for my sense of self-esteem, and in which I didn't feel like the universe was coming to an end every time I failed.
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2017
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