Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Went out for drinks with some work colleagues last night. First proper socialising I had done since breakup with girlfriend last October. It wasn't easy, as they were basically strangers despite being from work, having only ever really said hello in the corridor before. I think it went ok. There were 4 girls and 2 guys, and the other guy was gay. This is slightly challenging for me being he is very popular and chatty, and though I was open and friendly I noticed the girls reciprocated his eye contact more than mine. I guess I shouldn't read too deeply into it. I get very sensitive to the possibility people don't feel comfortable around me, but it could be due to positive reasons: I was the heterosexual male so naturally more threatening, maybe they found me attractive etc. It is important for me to at least consider these things as my normal reaction is insecure: they don't like me, they find me boring, ugly etc. The Irish girl was the most open and chatty with me. The other girls were more classically 'pretty' but were more cold. The Irish girl seemed to me the more beautiful though. I did my best to keep the conversation light, but I was aware nobody asked me any questions, so I had to keep fuelling the conversation. I also realise people are wearing their own social masks because there was quite a lot of talk about getting drunk, downing bottles of spirits, all the 'crazy' things people have done, blah blah blah, which is a typical way of trying to achieve a level of social acceptability amongst one's peers. I don't much like it because I don't have many stories of my own to contribute. Why do I get glazed-over expressions when I try to talk about my own life? I feel almost 100 percent of my own story, my own life, is so depressing it is not stuff for social conversation. I shouldnt expect too much from just 1 social drinks. Girls are often insecure, but in a different way to men. They are more talkative, and it is difficult for me to see through that this might also be a sign of moderate social anxiety, simply because my personal experience of social anxiety makes me very withdrawn, inhibited and quiet, with or without alcohol.

    It is also difficult getting a bit older, as everybody was younger than me. I don't consider myself a weirdo finding a 20 year old woman attractive, but I wonder if I shouldn't be considering asking these girls out, at 36. Although I know a lot of girls like older men, so maybe I should relax and enjoy myself?!

    The other thing I have to report (and I recommend trying this), is that abstaining from caffeine has appeared to make it easier to also refrain from wanting to PMO. I speculate that the lack of caffeine means my nervous system is less super-charged, so therefore the cravings are substantially less, due to feeling more lethargic and sleepy, but in a nice way, at the proper times of the day: I fall asleep more quickly and my appetite is also better, as caffeine, like smoking, supresses appetite.

    I have no way of proving the science behind any of this, but what I am fairly convinced is happening is that my choosing to quit coffee and tea is actually providing an important secondary abstinence, diverting my attention and fixation away from merely PMO, and this is really beneficial.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Social event tonight which brought on extreme social anxiety. An event into which I put a lot of effort, but I never get the love I am looking for. I tell myself to stop seeking love and approval, but I can't help it. I have to pretend that I don't want it and try to look like I feel at ease. But I feel awkward and invisible. Everybody runs to their loved ones after the event, hugs, kisses and congratulations, but I have nobody to run to, and no one to go home to.

    A 36 year old man shouldn't be feeling this, but I feel like a child who's mother hasn't met him after school, and I want to cry, but I can't. I want to tell everybody how much I am suffering, how much pain I am in, but I can't. It won't help. I have to change myself, but I am not sure how. Perhaps to survive I have to smile, be positive and say to myself: 'I do not have any needs, I don't need to be loved, noticed, hugged', because unmet needs only cause pain.

    Only 5 PMO in the last 3 months, maybe is not good enough to see any improvements.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    The more I fail, the more I disappear.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Questo viaggio è molto strano. Strano è difficile, ma qualche volte anche bello.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Where is my maleness? I masturbate it all away!

    I have had a big relapse and dark period of a rather self-defeating, 'sod it, what's the point?' attitude.' I'm extremely lonely so this is a very difficult habit to kick.
  6. cazzo pazzo

    cazzo pazzo Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita

    Ei La Lumaca! Hai questo dono che ti esprimi molto bene! I do think analisi=paralysis! Because while you're doing your mind gives you intuition, while you're thinking you're mind gives you sad thoughts to share with an analyst together with your money. Maybe analysis is for immature humans, I don't think you're immature, i think you just malinconic
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hi Cazzo Pazzo, thanks, I never saw your message.

    Good to see you doing so well man.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well I've been really creative recently, working on an album which is going really well. I can quite easily spend 12 hours a day recording and mixing, and even had really positive feedback from a professional mastering engineer when I sent some tracks off. So all this side of things is good and positive. I'm even putting a or of my emotions and struggles into my lyrics and it's given them a directness.

    The downside is PMO is still a part of my life. It's been significantly reduced, and I can easily go without I for a week, but I cannot eliminate it. I have been without sex for a year now, since my breakup, and don't really meet many women. I just think I have a lot of anger towards women in general, and don't really know how to address this, and therapy doesn't seem to help. They bring out my worst anxiety and feelings of low self-worth and I really wish sex didn't exist sometimes. It's got to the point that I am actively trying to seek work where I only have to interact with males.

    So, I am around 2 and a half years on yourbrainrebalanced and things continue to get darker, and I just cannot relate with the success stories. I'm just living a lonely path here, and I know as people make progress they want to associate less with those who are stuck.

    But music and creativity is on a high, as I've managed to channel a lot of my pain in a good way.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well I've just PMO'd again, but I want to write this message to myself as a sign of hope, because I suddenly realised something while reading through the success stories of others.

    There are two ways you can react to a success story: beat yourself up even more and feel jealous at their success, or be inspired by it.

    There is ALWAYS HOPE because brave people have proved it on this website to be so. They have demonstrated it, have shown the results and proved to themselves and others, beyond all reasonable doubt, the light at the end of the tunnel.

    Even if I keep failing myself in the way I have been doing (and don't ask me why I'm failing, as I feel like I've tried everything to quit), but that doesn't mean this hope, or at least the possibility for hope, ever diminishes. It is eternal, always present, provided we keep getting back on the horse. Even if your day of salvation is the day you die, salvation will come.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    There is a distinct difference between 'self-improvement' and 'self-love'

    Observing the difference in the writing styles between the people who get out of this problem with goals and positive action, and those who remain stuck, I realise how important having an attitude of self-love is, rather than one of self-obsession and self-improvement. By 'self-love' I don't mean waking up every morning and telling yourself how great you are, but by your conduct and behaviour towards yourself, the things you do that are a loving and constructive way of behaving towards yourself, the day ahead, and your life, such as creating opportunities for yourself.

    Thinking you are changing your life because you do so many squats in the morning, jog 5 miles a day, change your diet and think positive thoughts is similar to me writing music and hoping people are just going to notice me and change their reaction to me. While hobbies and interests are of course a far better way of spending your time than PMO, it's still not enough, its still in the realms of fantasy and avoiding problems. It is the flip side of the same coin of the emotional trauma and baggage and low self-esteem you carry around: on the one side is the overly negative self, the addict, and on the other side is the overly positive self that over-compensates: the dreamer. This is why it is only a matter of time before the addict is back in the driving seat again, because the dreamer is also the devil in disguise. So some of us, despite our best intentions and efforts to change, are really just juggling with 2 devils (I thought I better interject here I'm not a religious nut making religious references! I'm just using the devil as a metaphor).

    What we need is balance, reason, calm, ideas and, (yes it's a scary word to some of us, I know...) goals.

    It is also the socialising that seems to be the deciding factor in the people who make positive steps, as you don't particularly need goals in order to begin socialising more. Life gives you that one for free - all you need to do is go out and start doing it. If wanting to meet a new girl is your preoccupation, then approaching somebody at work or talking to somebody in a coffee shop is far more likely to reward you than trying to 'self-improve' and expect them all to come running.

    It is of course energy and self-confidence that women respond to, that goes without saying, but also integrity and somebody who knows themselves. Turnoffs include self-obsession and vanity. The increase in male vanity (don't get me started on male grooming products) is in part fuelled by society and media, and the images we are continually bombarded with, making us believe that women are after a certain chiseled, male adonis type, but it is also due to the changing perception of maleness, lack of manual labor jobs, increase in desk-bound computer jobs, also lack of fathers/positive role models etc. Even the oestrogen in our drinking water and eating too much chicken (a female bird) can be linked to the decrease in the Adam's apple and a higher pitched voice in men. We need to engage in activities that stimulate testosterone production, such as competitive sports, rather than video games.

    This all makes you wonder about the broader implications of our online porn culture, just why so many of us turn to it, and what is going on at a deeper level.

    If feminism has a part to play in all this, then we mustn't take the victimised 'poor little me' attitude. The change and empowerment that came to Western women had to come, and if there are extremes in feminism (and there is much about 3rd wave that I think is counterproductive and anti-male) then that was largely inevitable, because while society goes through great change and finds its equilibrium again, you always get the pendulum swinging the other way. But when we are born, life has a habit of throwing some shit at all of us, and we just have to deal with it with whatever tools we possess. Some men do OK, the metro-sexuals and feminised men, the creatives, who model themselves according to how they perceive the new society will accept them, but other guys have suffered from this change. Perhaps we have disappeared into our porn to feel like men again, but as we've all discovered, the opposite happens, and we remain like little boys.

    What is important for us males is to embrace, celebrate and rediscover our maleness, and quitting porn is a major positive hurdle on that journey.
    titan_transcendence likes this.
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    My favourite movie from my childhood is Joe Dante's The Explorers

    Just thought I'd share that in a totally random post that has nothing to do with the rest of my journal.

    (It's good to remind ourselves of the simpler things in life sometimes) ;D ;D
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    It's very important I get a grip on what I need to prioritise in life, and I think the most blatant thing that has been staring me in the face for a long while now is my work situation. I think I am guilty of the 'chasing happiness' syndrome, and when I look back over the course of my life, it is very obvious that virtually everything I did to try to increase my happiness actually had the opposite effect. Leaving relationships and leaving jobs doesn't work, unless you are leaving for positive reasons, based upon a well-informed decision, but I tend to run away due to feeling overwhelmed and miserable, and that is different I think.

    I think I'm emotionally stuck in my childhood, and I am frightened of the years disappearing in a job, but there is nothing any of us can do to prevent that, and what I have found by 'opting out' of the dreaded rat race, is I've found myself totally alone, because everybody else is in the rat race: working hard, having affairs, falling in love, getting hitched, having kids etc.

    A job means many positive things, no matter what one thinks of the actual work. It means daily interacting with people, socialising, money, being part of something larger than oneself, and perhaps you might even make friends, or if you're lucky, find a partner.

    I have viewed my creative and artistic self as more and more of a curse recently, simply because I can't figure out how to turn it into something that I share with, and is of benefit to, others, rather than the insular and solitary pass-time that cuts me off from people.
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I'm on day 8, and I'm certainly enjoying having my emotions return to me. Well, perhaps enjoy is not the right word, because a lot of the feelings are painful, lonely, sad etc, but I truly believe this is what I must welcome and accept. Human vitality is experiencing all our emotions, not just the pleasurable ones.

    I also found myself experiencing a weird sensation. I was searching on to see if Gary Wilson had posted anything recently, but I noticed the site seemed a little quiet, like it hadn't been touched for a while. The radio shows obviously ceased a long time ago, and the videos are a few years old.

    I realised - and this is something that can happen online - I'd formed a bond with Gary Wilson as a sort of father figure. Such is the human need for bonding that our brains can even do it artificially, or virtually, with a person we don't even know, and who doesn't know us. But I instantly fell for Mr Wilson (that is, in a 'guy who needs positive older male roll model' way!!!), as he seems everything my dad wasn't. I felt genuinely upset that there didn't seem to be any news of him, but then I discovered he updates fairly regularly on Twitter these days, so was happy to learn this!

    I have felt this sadness on online forums as well, when people move on, and you realise the relationships, while they may have been supportive, were virtual, almost like an imaginary friend. It is very clear to me that I am lonely, so I must begin addressing this and spending more time with people.

    It is going to be a real mountain to climb, but I don't want to live like this forever. Like people have said before, nofap gives you the keys to your cage, but you've still gotta open the doors and get out.
  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today was quite nice. I bought a pair of cross-country running shoes and a new football. I haven't bought a football in years! It's really strange where your life wanders to as you get older, and in my mid 30s all my sports hobbies have vanished. Tennis, football, swimming etc. It's all stopped. Part of it is due to my friends getting married, working endless hours and not having the time they used to have, so I've lost a lot of my sports buddies. I used to spend a lot of time practicing keepie uppie so now I'm going to spend some time getting my skills back.

    There were 2 young girls working in the sports shop, which made me a little anxious on entering, especially as it was a professional shop where they put me on this gait analysis machine to help ascertain the right sort of shoes. But I thought I handled it fairly well, and the girls were helpful and friendly. I'm not obsessing over how interesting or attractive they find me, it's just nice to chat to some people. It's funny how, when people are friendly and chatty, it makes me anxious. I have often preferred the miserable looking, monosyllabic people who work in large retail stores who barely talk to you, simply because it means I don't have to engage in conversation. I now realise how wrong and sad this thinking is, almost as if my brain were completely wired wrong! But that's social anxiety for you. It's shocking to realise you are the problem, not other people. But this is the sort of insight, though painful, that can help you to change and take your life back.

    Day 10 has been a bit wobbly with cravings, but I've been here before so am well aware of the dangers of week 2, which always take me by surprise after usually finding week 1 fairly easy to deal with. Also, my depression comes on quite strong days 10-20.
  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Wanted to make it to my birthday, but didn't make it. :-[

    Starting again.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today I deleted my website as I've decided to let go of my dream to be a composer. I feel this is a very important and mature decision for me, as I don't feel this dream is anymore a healthy perception of myself and my needs, but rather a fantasy that one day everything will work out for me when I get the attention I'm craving. But these are deep emotional issues wrapped up in other areas of my psyche. My dad used to brainwash me with the idea that I was this little musical genius and most people out there in the world were rubbish (because he was bitter about his failures). This poisonous teaching and projecting onto me has made my desire to be a successful musician more of a burden and a curse, rather than a gift. I love music, but I feel absolutely no joy whatsoever in my musical life and pursuits. I feel increasingly desperate, rather than positive and ambitious, and this is not a life I want to live.

    So this next year, I want to do whatever it takes to offer my abilities, whatever they may be, to the community more. Maybe teaching.
  18. Fry

    Fry Guest

    That indeed sounds like a hard but well reflected decision.
  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fry. I've got to get out.
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Every day is a struggle, and suicidal thoughts are my bedfellow at the moment. I have hobbies, I go jogging and cycling, I spend hours practicing piano and my skills have improved.

    But when you don't feel noticed and loved, and have no social life, everything serves no purpose other than to just distract you from yourself, and the loneliness returns almost as soon as the activity ceases.

    While I'm still trying, it's important to me to know I have a way out, if things get unbearable, and I often think that is not far off.

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