Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I think I need to find a depression support group, I think this pmo journey has ended for me.

    I isolate myself all the time and I don’t enjoy being with people when I do see them because I am just polite. People are confident, strong and tough, and I am not. I have lived in a bubble my entire life. On an emotional level I think I’m keeping people at a distance. I can’t live fully, openly and honestly. I don’t even attend support groups for social anxiety anymore because I was threatened by the determination, positivity and humour of others. The mask I used to wear that helped me through life, Andy the nice and friendly guy, has completely vanished these last years as that very personality has been revealed to be my biggest problem. I am not nice or friendly at all but insecure, bitter, jealous and self-absorbed. So I avoid because I simply have no other way of being other than my dysfunctional self. I have sent through my act, but I don’t have the skills or confidence to find a different one. Others have moved forward, way beyond where I am at, yet I use to self-style myself on web forums as a wise person full of advice. The only thing I’m full of is shit and cowardice. They know something I don’t. I am too much a victim and do not have the courage to let that to. What did all the therapy I did mean? What did the Italian course mean? Every attempt to be courageous just destroys me further until I have nothing left. My illusions and delusions are shattered, but there was nothing to replace them. I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend because I am not even trying to help myself, and I don’t think it’s fair on her. I’m visiting Greece end of the month but I don’t want to meet new people or see anybody. They are talkative and confident people who use humour a lot. I just don’t have the metal these days. My self-esteem was always built on what I could be regent than what I am. When I was younger I could always be hopeful. My life is nothing but depression and pain these days, that is it, there is nothing else. I’m so blocked and ashamed of myself, I just want to be alone. I’m very tired of this existence. Thank god for porn and Red Dead Redemption. I don’t want these masks anymore. I am firmly consumed by these things and I don’t want to deny it or fight it anymore.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
    Bezoechow likes this.
  2. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Hi Scriabin. After lurking for a while I felt like I had to sign up because I didn't want to leave this post unanswered.

    I think it's great. It's real. No mask, no mr nice guy. The unadulterated truth.

    I firmly believe the only way out of this addiction, out of any addiction, is to confront our true self. Our inner demons. The pain and fear and anger, oh all that red hot anger...

    But to do that one has to lay off the mask. At least, if only, to oneself. I think you've made that step right here and it's awe inspiring.

    I wish I could say more, that I could help you, take some of the burden. But that's the thing: the only one that can heal you is you.

    Maybe what Gurren Lagann's Kamina says to Simon is appropriate here: Have faith in the Simon that believes in you.

    Have faith in the Scriabin that believes in Scriabin. I'll be rooting for you.
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man! Been trying to get hold of you and i hope you're alright :)

    Honestly, as someone who has suffered from depression also, i think it's mostly the depression talking again

    It can be very difficult to think rationally, and in a level headed way, and one can start to think in terms of absolute, black and white statements. It doesn't take a lot of examination to see that these statements are simply not true, all the time, even though we might be feeling that way now

    Can you write a list of coping mechanisms? What can you do to feel better? I find looking at the short term day to day living helpful. Small daily habits. Find a way tp slowly change our inner narrative to a more positive one. After all much of that narrative exists only in our own thoughts and imagination

    One of the biggest things i took from "feeling good" is to get out of the victim mentality, sure it can feel reassuring and familiar and good, like eating a kg of chocolate cake but in the end it doesn't help :)

    Im always on the end of the phone if you need some support.
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2019
    TheScriabin, Living, Londoner and 2 others like this.
  4. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I went to a wedding last year. I dreaded it for months beforehand. When it finally started it was kind of a relief, which relaxed me quite a bit. I was able to talk to many people, have a laugh and so on. But then afterwards I was exhausted, and troubled by memories of the event. I'm still occasionally bothered by memories of the event, and a full year has passed since then! But I bet during the wedding I appeared confident and strong at times.

    I say keep the Red Dead Redemption but lose the porn.

    I often think about what I would do if every other human being suddenly disappeared. I was thinking about this while I was walking down the road today, and I started laughing about it, it cheered me up quite a bit.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I need to write a lot in response to you guys. I will do soon. I really need to save myself somehow. I don’t like what I have become. Why do I isolate myself? If we’re all the same deep down why I am so threatened of losing myself in the company of others? I cannot create what I believe in and what I want to be. There is something terrifying me and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. When I can’t accept and be open to the trust and support from people in support groups and forums, I am in a very dangerous position I think.
  6. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Back from beyond! Glad to hear from you.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hey brother. Glad to see you are still here. You know that means? Hope. A new hope.

    I've fallen over a lot in my life. I've got pages and pages of old handwritten journals where I would chew myself out about how unlovable I was. I used to be so hard on myself. I was convinced I'd be 'forever alone' and that no one should ever see the 'real me' because I was so dark and terrible.

    These are hard times, but the hero always refuses the call, he always turns his back on the path. It's part of all the great hero myths.

    I know it's hard to see a way out at the moment. It sounds to me like support groups might just be too much for you at the moment. I think you need to get some one on one help.

    If you can't see a Therapist, then maybe a Doctor. You might just need to some medicine (anti-depressants) to get you through the current stage of life you are going through. The truth is that a lot of people only need them for a short while to help them get their balance back. There is no shame in being sick, there is no shame in trying to get better.

    Please stay with us. I know that myself and other members of the forum were really worried about you.

    We're here for you man. No judgement. Just stay with us. Even if you're in the pit. We've all been there.

    Hang on,
    JD1981, Living, Pete McVries and 2 others like this.
  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    +1 to everything Chaos said. If you haven't been on anti-depressants and you're derpressed, get some
    counseling and medication. It did save my ass some years back.

    I was quite worried when I cam back to the forum some days back, reading your last post.

    It's good to hear you're still around.
    Pete McVries and TheScriabin like this.
  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Medications have side-effects, which is something to bear in mind. Do a bit of research maybe.

    As for therapy, there are a lot of different types, and quality varies.
    Pete McVries and TheScriabin like this.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ya, thats true. The first two weeks of citalopram dura and citalopram I-don't-know-its-been-a-decade had:
    stomach cramps, me wanting to fuck everything (including the table) or me being completely asexual (at which
    point the table probably had more libido than me)

    After these two weeks, I was fine. The not drinking alcohol part while on meds took some getting used to,
    but in the end that was for the better I guess, too. I went sober for almost a year.

    The meds did allow for me not feeling super shitty, though. So if you're at the point you're feeling super shitty,
    maybe gaining some weight or wanting to fornicate with furniture might turn into a really nice trade off. :D

    In my case it helped me not mistaking windows for doors, if I might be that blunt. Loved it.

    Its situation based, like most things.
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hello team,

    You always never cease to amaze me with your support and wisdom. I’m maintaining quite a good streak at the moment, apart from one m slip with fantasy (real person not p scenario), the p has been absent for several weeks. Quite difficult to collect my thoughts; might be withdrawal. I definitely feel really sick, headaches and nausea. The depressions and morbid thoughts have been bad, really bad, but I’ll try not to be a drama queen about it and conclude that sometimes we can’t always see the whole picture as to why we feel the way we do. It’s just shitty sometimes. Although I have been very worried about money so that doesn’t help.
  12. MissingSelfCompassion

    MissingSelfCompassion Active Member

    I couldn't sleep and decided to see what was happening here on the forum. I've been here a lot today, so I thought maybe the sleeplessness was some anxiety or fear that I may have said something wrong in someone's journal. Once I read your last thought about money, I realized that's probably why I cannot sleep. I've been poking the forum all day thinking I'm growing and opening up more, but maybe I was just distracting myself from my financial situation? As my psychiatrist often says, "Can it be both?" I guess so. Thanks for pointing me in this direction. I'm inspired by your thought of accepting the morbid thoughts and just sitting with them rather than deny them or attack them. They just are, in this moment.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    same team, three days straight. -.-

    @TheScriabin I kind of understand how you feel. Abstaining for a while is one thing (okay, its a big thing) but it always leaves my brainthing in a near inoperable state. I would have plenty reason to worry about the money, but for some reason I never much gave a fuck about that. Sorry, no advice today, but I do get you.
    TheScriabin and NewStart19 like this.
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    I’m also writing this a 5am after a rather distressing dream woke me up. Now my cats are confined they are getting fed early.

    Sounds like there a lot of pressures going on in your life. This is not an easy fight.

    I like to listen to Ajahn Brahm when I’m feeling down. Feel free to look him. Thanks so much for sticking with us. Glad to see your reply, even better news about your streak. Make sure you get support and talk to someone about those dark thoughts, they can get pretty convincing at times. But they are just angry shadows.


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