Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

  2. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom New Member

    Hey Scriabin, how have you been liking the cold showers? I love my hot showers in the morning. And while I haven't been able to give them up. I have been going to a cold shower for about 30 seconds or so at the end of my 'normal' shower. I feel like I'm still getting some of the benefits of the cold shower, while still enjoying my hot shower when I first get in. I'm not sure if this is scientifically beneficial or not, but it has been working for me the past couple weeks.

    Have you been getting good results from your habit? Any suggestions? It has to be a difficult habit to keep up!
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Hey SeekingWisdom, I've been doing the same as you! Only a few times have I braved stepping straight into the cold. I prefer gradually increasing the cold and seeing how far I can push it. But that is what is stressed in the Wim Hof Method, you have to train your body to gradually get used to it, the aim being to eventually being able to go straight in. Yes, it is difficult to keep up, that is part of the challenge of training your mind and trying to remain focused on your goals.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    This morning did my WHM breathing (3 cycles, 2nd cycle with press-ups while breathe held). Managed to hold breathe on exhale for 70 seconds.

    Then finally managed straight into cold shower without gradually after warm one first. My friend is at the ice bath stage, not sure I’m quite ready for that yet, and I don’t have a bath, so I’ve got a good excuse ;)

    Good news with some music too: dance piece I wrote the music for is currently showing on BBC iPlayer; and also happy to have received another commission.

    I PMOd twice on Sunday, but I’m learning that clocking up the days is really not as important as making the most of each day free. I truly believe 1 day fully lived in a self-loving and creative way is worth more than 21 days abstaining merely counting the days. I know this isn’t a huge revelation for experienced nofapers, but at least I’m finally learning it.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Latest streak is making me feel aggressive like I want to fight.

    Maybe should hit the gym or go running or something.
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Go running. More fresh air and you actually move in the world. Also, hi aggressive part of you, not sure we've met yet! XD
    TheScriabin likes this.
  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    ^thanks mate, yes the running and activity has definitely helped.

    Stayed 2 days by the coast with my friend and his family. Kayaking, good food, and he showed my the basics to kite surfing which I am thinking I’d like to get into.

    This morning woke early and ran into the freezing cold sea and managed a minute. Bloody cold but felt energised and so warm afterwards. I don’t miss London or cafes or music at all right now.

    Feel that I’m having my first attempt at seriously rebooting rather than merely abstaining. Never really understood the difference before.

    Seeing D again this evening and looking forward to it.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I am finding the Brainbuddy app very helpful.

    I am meditating every morning, breathing deeply, doing kegal exercises, reading positive texts, and am feeling calmer and managing to control temptation fairly easily.

    I know this is not a solution to all my problems, in fact it is kicking a lot of them up, including increased depression and fears for my future, but my body and general health is certainly improved. I must try to keep moving and feeling the small steps and not allow myself to get overwhelmed by the bigger picture.

    I’ve also cut down coffee to 1 cup in the morning. I now need to think about limiting internet time in general, less YouTube etc.
    ClimbXR likes this.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I’ve made over 2 weeks no pmo and am suffering severe depression/sense of hopelessness. It’s a beautiful holiday weekend and I just feel like ending it. Like what is the point to my life. Been cold showering every day and exercising. It is a far greater challenge when the novelty of ‘I’m gonna do this thing!’ wears off and it’s just the tedium or routine and repetition.

    I read about the Marshmallow Experiment. Apparently the conclusion was that the children who couldn’t resist taking the 1 sweet rather than wait for 3 was a sign that they lacked impulse control and the ability to delay gratification which was a predictor of less life success in adulthood in comparison to the kids with stronger self-control. I remember sneaking into mum’s bedroom because I always knew where she kept the Christmas presents hidden. I couldn’t resist. One year I wondered if she had bought me the Ghostbusters Ecto 1 vehicle and I saw the box, but she noticed it had been tampered with and confronted me and was really upset. My mum, single mum, tried so hard to give me and my brothers a happy Christmas and here I was always ruining everything. I felt so guilty. Small wonder that porn was irresistible to me. It was similarly secretive, tempting, intoxicating.

    Sex with D is good, very good, the kegels are helping and I’m going longer and I’m sure the cold showers are waking my body up. But my sick brain is craving the pleasurable shot of some nasty porn vids. But I’m confident I can hold out. I also get bizarre cravings such as attraction to underage girls (which I’ve spoken about here before), but I always sense it is only part of withdrawal. I watched a very helpful, if reality-check scary, video about how cravings become insanely difficult in people who are intermittent abstainers (couple of weeks abstinence) followed by a binge. By doing this we are unwittingly training our brains to be even more addicted than regular users, because the flood of dopamine when we binge relapse is so powerful. So the conclusion I drew from this was I only have 2 choices: accept porn, or close the door on it for good. I’m choosing the latter.

    One thing that narked me off lately was I didn’t get a job interview/audition and I later heard that the board were under pressure to recruit women in the role. It was a female colleague who told me, who was offered an audition, and she very kindly said I was absolutely the most qualified for the job. I have worked 15 years building up these skills, I take my work seriously, and it was a dream job in many ways that would have changed my fortunes in terms of income and career opportunity, but this is the world we live in. I am not sure what the appropriate response is. Have I been conditioned to be accepting and tolerant towards these diversity quotas for fear I’m a misogynist asshole for feeling slightly angry about it? I have such fears of my feelings, I am confused and don’t know what/how to think or feel anymore. I couldn’t even say this stuff to a therapist for fears they’d judge me. Is this where the path to male suicide begins? I guess nice guys who have always wanted to be liked are the most vulnerable to this kind of stuff, hopelessly dependent on what the outside world thinks. I allow myself to be shoved aside and crapped on, and I do it with a smile on my face saying, ‘thanks!’ It’s pathetic. I am not blaming PC culture, because I have always believed that if something or somebody manipulated or dominates us, it is also true that we allow ourselves to be dominated. I will pick myself up and learn to adapt and be more creative, and also learn to see it as a blessing to consider new career paths.

    This is my life after all. When will I start taking it seriously?

    Also didn’t get a company composing job I applied for that I really thought I stood good chance for, but that is cool. They always get a thousand applicants within minutes online and I know you have to throw yourself at everything to get somewhere.

    Anyway, today I ordered a trainer kite and think for my 40th birthday I’ll treat myself to 2 days kitesurfing training. I’m in good shape and lightweight so I think I’ll be good at it.

    Right, I’m off for a swim.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019 at 8:31 AM

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