Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Happy Easter peeps,

    Wishing you all a pmo free holiday, and continued success and strength and rebirth!

    -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Believe in what you do

    You don't need coffee; you need to sleep.
    You don't need nicotine; you need to walk.
    You don't need alcohol; you need to laugh hysterically.
    You don't need to whinge; you need to talk.
    You don't need drugs; you need to think.
    You don't need stimulants; you need me to hug you.
    You don't need hallucinogens; you need art.
    You don't need TV; you need poetry.
    You don't need to buy; you need nature.
    You need you.
    I need me.
    Above all you need inner peace, which requires harmony between the inside and the outside... do what you believe in, and believe in what you do.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well I’ve made 21 days no pmo! A little cause to celebrate as looking back over my journal I never quite realised before how half-assed my efforts have always been and I think I only once achieved 3 weeks before in all these years.
    My attitude and focus is better this time, and it’s the exercise and cold showers, getting passionate about something new and challenging, rather than merely abstaining, that is really helping. Cravings were awful last few days but I made a choice and managed to stick with it. The hopelessness always defeated me in the past and lead to relapse, a moment’s weakness, ‘what’s the point?’ and I’d spiral down. What exactly ‘the point’ is,
    is still murky, but I am open to giving it my best shot and seeing where these feelings take me. I know natural highs from working out and cold exposure also don’t solve deeper problems; but feeling physically better and mentally less cluttered is a good place to start, and will maybe open the door to allowing these answers in.

    Just had a refreshing 2 days away with gf, she was overwhelmed with joy by the thermal spa and our accommodation.

    She’s now gone home for the week so I have a new challenge ahead this week, but looking forward to some time cultivating better relationship with myself.

    My kite arrived today too!
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2019
    Londoner likes this.
  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hey, congrats man! Deeper problems get quite often solved gradually, over time. They take some excavating and deconstructing. And insight can't be forced. We can make room for insight into deeper troubles and work on it, but it ain't a thing like a switch you can just flick.

    Am at the roughly same daycount in regards to no pmo, so high five, my dude!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    High five my man! That’s awesome, keep going!

    Rome wasn’t built in a day, I keep telling myself this.
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Relapse yesterday.

    For my next trick this motherfucker is going to make 90 DAYS to my 40th birthday on 30th July.

    Let’s do this.
    Londoner likes this.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Sorry to hear that Brother,
    Do you want to go into more detail about what happened? I find breaking down what happens on a relapse as important as committing to a goal.

    Look after yourself.

  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I think mr chaos is right.

    Bonus points for when one of the reason not wanting to go into detail is: "This is all so simple, I was just stupid, I should have known better."

    Because, you know, them devils are in them details.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks buddies,

    Relapsed owing to loneliness I think this time. When you spend as much time alone as I do, you lose social skills. When I finally do encounter people I do everything ‘right’, I’m polite, but I can’t really express myself or connect more deeply, so socialising doesn’t create the positive experience that seems to be so essential for recovery. Right now I don’t really think I can do positivity, I just want to do honesty, but that takes courage and I don’t like burdening folks. Cutting out porn is denying myself a major part of the way I experience an outlet for my feelings. There is a sense of achievement and my pride gets an ego boost from a streak, exercise, plus endorphins from cold showers and meditation, but the effect is of course temporary and these things don’t address deeper issues. Pride always comes before a fall, as they say.
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hello mate. Sorry your feeling down. I think we have to be really careful with these narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves. I've been there many times too, an example of a common one for me is "im unlovable" and ill go through my past picking out the bits of evidence that support that statement while ignoring everything else. At a deeper level, I may even at times subconsciously seek out romantic situations that enforce it further. Madness

    But if you think about it a lot of what you have written is not fact, just one way of looking at things, seen through a probably somewhat distorted lens. I honestly dont think your socially awkward at all mate, not a patch

    do you feel like you spend too much time alone for you to enjoy it? I actually enjoy time alone in quiet and isolation, but i guess tooooooo much wouldn't be a good thing :)
    TheScriabin and Professor Chaos like this.
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member


    Ok guys, here's a question that just came up for me.

    So I've been having sex with D... and I know real sex is allowed in a reboot... and I'm keeping the p fantasy out of my mind as much as possible. But then the sex is so good, my favourite thing when she is on top and reaches around to touch my balls, and it's like so frickin explosive... is this ok?!! And it's not like, 'ooh I feel so bonded and lovey and close' but rather 'yeah, I love fucking the shit out of you!!!' kind of thoughts. Or should I be more Zen-like and relax into some sort of cuddly slow sex? It seem p has so affected my brain that I just want dirty p sex. Is that ok during reboot or are we all just perves beyond salvation?! :D She enjoys it too, so I guess it's ok. It's like that eternal, innocent child inside me still struggles with what my adult self actually enjoys.:confused:

    @cjm Yeah, thanks mate. I enjoy time alone too, but as you say, too much is not a good thing and sometimes I know I need to give myself a little push.
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
    cjm likes this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Aye mate

    Well, why wouldn't it be? But then again you know about what ive been enjoying recently..........

    My idea is that when it comes to sex, as long as everyone is happy and no one is harmed physically or psychologically anything goes.

    I remember being in the women's changing rooms as a young boy marvelling as these naked women, and pretending to like one of the women's swimming costumes as an excuse for staring... lol. Maybe thats just me but there we go

    Edit my point is how long are we rralllllly an innocent child for in terms of sex and that was way before porn :)
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    ah.... sounds like Valhalla :)
  14. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hah. The vocable that caught my attention is 'allowed'.

    Ponder this: we have this idea about how sex should be. Society, media, porn, bla.

    And then we go and do it with someone and compare that idea to the actuality of our fucking and go like: Is this allowed? Shouldn't I behave? Am I being bad?

    Which would be the thoughts of a child chastised for going for the cookie glass. You no child tho. She no child either.

    The time were people could allow or forbid, my dude, is long over. You need no ones permission, not even ours xD

    And that is one of the most child unlike things to be.

    Also, kindly considering obliterating the idea that sex could be porn sex. Ya, it can be pornlike, when you're trying to look hot for theoretically, non present others.

    But the truth is, porn and sex are like a video of you skiing and you actually goddamn skiing down that mountain, snow in yer face, the speed, the fluidity.

    Don't worry man. Do as you please with the people you're with, check your and their needs, no one else gets a fucking say in this, there are no rules, and if there were, we should hurry up and burn them to the ground.
    Pete McVries, TheScriabin and Living like this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I believe that thoughts like these are a lot worse when it comes to getting your act together than the sex your describing is. Enjoy it, don't worry about it:) If you want to live in a zen way, by all means do so, but if this is what you want and it's not hurting you, then why not do it.
    TheScriabin and cjm like this.
  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Thanks guys, great responses. Just to clarify, I’m not judging these feelings or casting a negative light on them, my question was merely concerning does it keep the p addiction circuits active by indulging in the same thoughts during a reboot, despite the sex being real.

    I have had some revealing feelings recently, the route of my issues is exactly what I was told when I did that therapy thing in Italy, they told me I had a shit load of anger in me and it needed to come out.

    Without p this anger becomes tangible, and I feel scared and unhinged.

    Possibly it’s time to explore more in therapy again.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I think I need to find a depression support group, I think this pmo journey has ended for me.

    I isolate myself all the time and I don’t enjoy being with people when I do see them because I am just polite. People are confident, strong and tough, and I am not. I have lived in a bubble my entire life. On an emotional level I think I’m keeping people at a distance. I can’t live fully, openly and honestly. I don’t even attend support groups for social anxiety anymore because I was threatened by the determination, positivity and humour of others. The mask I used to wear that helped me through life, Andy the nice and friendly guy, has completely vanished these last years as that very personality has been revealed to be my biggest problem. I am not nice or friendly at all but insecure, bitter, jealous and self-absorbed. So I avoid because I simply have no other way of being other than my dysfunctional self. I have sent through my act, but I don’t have the skills or confidence to find a different one. Others have moved forward, way beyond where I am at, yet I use to self-style myself on web forums as a wise person full of advice. The only thing I’m full of is shit and cowardice. They know something I don’t. I am too much a victim and do not have the courage to let that to. What did all the therapy I did mean? What did the Italian course mean? Every attempt to be courageous just destroys me further until I have nothing left. My illusions and delusions are shattered, but there was nothing to replace them. I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend because I am not even trying to help myself, and I don’t think it’s fair on her. I’m visiting Greece end of the month but I don’t want to meet new people or see anybody. They are talkative and confident people who use humour a lot. I just don’t have the metal these days. My self-esteem was always built on what I could be regent than what I am. When I was younger I could always be hopeful. My life is nothing but depression and pain these days, that is it, there is nothing else. I’m so blocked and ashamed of myself, I just want to be alone. I’m very tired of this existence. Thank god for porn and Red Dead Redemption. I don’t want these masks anymore. I am firmly consumed by these things and I don’t want to deny it or fight it anymore.
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2019
    Bezoechow likes this.
  18. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Hi Scriabin. After lurking for a while I felt like I had to sign up because I didn't want to leave this post unanswered.

    I think it's great. It's real. No mask, no mr nice guy. The unadulterated truth.

    I firmly believe the only way out of this addiction, out of any addiction, is to confront our true self. Our inner demons. The pain and fear and anger, oh all that red hot anger...

    But to do that one has to lay off the mask. At least, if only, to oneself. I think you've made that step right here and it's awe inspiring.

    I wish I could say more, that I could help you, take some of the burden. But that's the thing: the only one that can heal you is you.

    Maybe what Gurren Lagann's Kamina says to Simon is appropriate here: Have faith in the Simon that believes in you.

    Have faith in the Scriabin that believes in Scriabin. I'll be rooting for you.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man! Been trying to get hold of you and i hope you're alright :)

    Honestly, as someone who has suffered from depression also, i think it's mostly the depression talking again

    It can be very difficult to think rationally, and in a level headed way, and one can start to think in terms of absolute, black and white statements. It doesn't take a lot of examination to see that these statements are simply not true, all the time, even though we might be feeling that way now

    Can you write a list of coping mechanisms? What can you do to feel better? I find looking at the short term day to day living helpful. Small daily habits. Find a way tp slowly change our inner narrative to a more positive one. After all much of that narrative exists only in our own thoughts and imagination

    One of the biggest things i took from "feeling good" is to get out of the victim mentality, sure it can feel reassuring and familiar and good, like eating a kg of chocolate cake but in the end it doesn't help :)

    Im always on the end of the phone if you need some support.
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2019
    TheScriabin, Living, Londoner and 2 others like this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Hey @TheScriabin, I'm really sorry to hear you are not doing well. I have always liked your posts and your input and I think your an awesome guy. The fact that you aren't where you want right now, does not mean your posts aren't wise or that you are an imposter or something like that. You shouldn't be telling yourself stuff like that. I mean: my posts are more positive and wise than I am too, but to me that's because that's part of what I need. 90% of my journal is the 'three good things', but that doesn't mean I don't think in a negative way 90% of the time like most people do. I post those things because they enable me to hang on and hopely have a bit less negative thoughts in the future. It really sucks that you feel like this, but these are things most people go through. Perhaps some worse than others, but when you really look at it we all have our own problems. Like I said, I think your an awesome guy and I hope you will feel better soon.
    TheScriabin and Bezoechow like this.

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