I think I need to find a depression support group, I think this pmo journey has ended for me. I isolate myself all the time and I don’t enjoy being with people when I do see them because I am just polite. People are confident, strong and tough, and I am not. I have lived in a bubble my entire life. On an emotional level I think I’m keeping people at a distance. I can’t live fully, openly and honestly. I don’t even attend support groups for social anxiety anymore because I was threatened by the determination, positivity and humour of others. The mask I used to wear that helped me through life, Andy the nice and friendly guy, has completely vanished these last years as that very personality has been revealed to be my biggest problem. I am not nice or friendly at all but insecure, bitter, jealous and self-absorbed. So I avoid because I simply have no other way of being other than my dysfunctional self. I have sent through my act, but I don’t have the skills or confidence to find a different one. Others have moved forward, way beyond where I am at, yet I use to self-style myself on web forums as a wise person full of advice. The only thing I’m full of is shit and cowardice. They know something I don’t. I am too much a victim and do not have the courage to let that to. What did all the therapy I did mean? What did the Italian course mean? Every attempt to be courageous just destroys me further until I have nothing left. My illusions and delusions are shattered, but there was nothing to replace them. I’m considering breaking up with my girlfriend because I am not even trying to help myself, and I don’t think it’s fair on her. I’m visiting Greece end of the month but I don’t want to meet new people or see anybody. They are talkative and confident people who use humour a lot. I just don’t have the metal these days. My self-esteem was always built on what I could be regent than what I am. When I was younger I could always be hopeful. My life is nothing but depression and pain these days, that is it, there is nothing else. I’m so blocked and ashamed of myself, I just want to be alone. I’m very tired of this existence. Thank god for porn and Red Dead Redemption. I don’t want these masks anymore. I am firmly consumed by these things and I don’t want to deny it or fight it anymore.