Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    :)
     
  2. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Hey Scriabin, how have you been liking the cold showers? I love my hot showers in the morning. And while I haven't been able to give them up. I have been going to a cold shower for about 30 seconds or so at the end of my 'normal' shower. I feel like I'm still getting some of the benefits of the cold shower, while still enjoying my hot shower when I first get in. I'm not sure if this is scientifically beneficial or not, but it has been working for me the past couple weeks.

    Have you been getting good results from your habit? Any suggestions? It has to be a difficult habit to keep up!
     
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey SeekingWisdom, I've been doing the same as you! Only a few times have I braved stepping straight into the cold. I prefer gradually increasing the cold and seeing how far I can push it. But that is what is stressed in the Wim Hof Method, you have to train your body to gradually get used to it, the aim being to eventually being able to go straight in. Yes, it is difficult to keep up, that is part of the challenge of training your mind and trying to remain focused on your goals.
     
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    This morning did my WHM breathing (3 cycles, 2nd cycle with press-ups while breathe held). Managed to hold breathe on exhale for 70 seconds.

    Then finally managed straight into cold shower without gradually after warm one first. My friend is at the ice bath stage, not sure I’m quite ready for that yet, and I don’t have a bath, so I’ve got a good excuse ;)

    Good news with some music too: dance piece I wrote the music for is currently showing on BBC iPlayer; and also happy to have received another commission.

    I PMOd twice on Sunday, but I’m learning that clocking up the days is really not as important as making the most of each day free. I truly believe 1 day fully lived in a self-loving and creative way is worth more than 21 days abstaining merely counting the days. I know this isn’t a huge revelation for experienced nofapers, but at least I’m finally learning it.
     
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Latest streak is making me feel aggressive like I want to fight.

    Maybe should hit the gym or go running or something.
     
  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Go running. More fresh air and you actually move in the world. Also, hi aggressive part of you, not sure we've met yet! XD
     
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  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^thanks mate, yes the running and activity has definitely helped.

    Stayed 2 days by the coast with my friend and his family. Kayaking, good food, and he showed my the basics to kite surfing which I am thinking I’d like to get into.

    This morning woke early and ran into the freezing cold sea and managed a minute. Bloody cold but felt energised and so warm afterwards. I don’t miss London or cafes or music at all right now.

    Feel that I’m having my first attempt at seriously rebooting rather than merely abstaining. Never really understood the difference before.

    Seeing D again this evening and looking forward to it.
     
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I am finding the Brainbuddy app very helpful.

    I am meditating every morning, breathing deeply, doing kegal exercises, reading positive texts, and am feeling calmer and managing to control temptation fairly easily.

    I know this is not a solution to all my problems, in fact it is kicking a lot of them up, including increased depression and fears for my future, but my body and general health is certainly improved. I must try to keep moving and feeling the small steps and not allow myself to get overwhelmed by the bigger picture.

    I’ve also cut down coffee to 1 cup in the morning. I now need to think about limiting internet time in general, less YouTube etc.
     
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  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Happy Easter peeps,

    Wishing you all a pmo free holiday, and continued success and strength and rebirth!

    Scriabin
     
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  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Believe in what you do

    You don't need coffee; you need to sleep.
    You don't need nicotine; you need to walk.
    You don't need alcohol; you need to laugh hysterically.
    You don't need to whinge; you need to talk.
    You don't need drugs; you need to think.
    You don't need stimulants; you need me to hug you.
    You don't need hallucinogens; you need art.
    You don't need TV; you need poetry.
    You don't need to buy; you need nature.
    You need you.
    I need me.
    Above all you need inner peace, which requires harmony between the inside and the outside... do what you believe in, and believe in what you do.
     
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well I’ve made 21 days no pmo! A little cause to celebrate as looking back over my journal I never quite realised before how half-assed my efforts have always been and I think I only once achieved 3 weeks before in all these years.
    My attitude and focus is better this time, and it’s the exercise and cold showers, getting passionate about something new and challenging, rather than merely abstaining, that is really helping. Cravings were awful last few days but I made a choice and managed to stick with it. The hopelessness always defeated me in the past and lead to relapse, a moment’s weakness, ‘what’s the point?’ and I’d spiral down. What exactly ‘the point’ is,
    is still murky, but I am open to giving it my best shot and seeing where these feelings take me. I know natural highs from working out and cold exposure also don’t solve deeper problems; but feeling physically better and mentally less cluttered is a good place to start, and will maybe open the door to allowing these answers in.

    Just had a refreshing 2 days away with gf, she was overwhelmed with joy by the thermal spa and our accommodation.

    She’s now gone home for the week so I have a new challenge ahead this week, but looking forward to some time cultivating better relationship with myself.

    My kite arrived today too!
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2019
    Londoner likes this.
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Hey, congrats man! Deeper problems get quite often solved gradually, over time. They take some excavating and deconstructing. And insight can't be forced. We can make room for insight into deeper troubles and work on it, but it ain't a thing like a switch you can just flick.

    Am at the roughly same daycount in regards to no pmo, so high five, my dude!
     
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  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    High five my man! That’s awesome, keep going!

    Rome wasn’t built in a day, I keep telling myself this.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Relapse yesterday.

    For my next trick this motherfucker is going to make 90 DAYS to my 40th birthday on 30th July.

    Let’s do this.
     
    Londoner likes this.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Sorry to hear that Brother,
    Do you want to go into more detail about what happened? I find breaking down what happens on a relapse as important as committing to a goal.

    Look after yourself.

    PC
     
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    I think mr chaos is right.

    Bonus points for when one of the reason not wanting to go into detail is: "This is all so simple, I was just stupid, I should have known better."

    Because, you know, them devils are in them details.
     
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  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks buddies,

    Relapsed owing to loneliness I think this time. When you spend as much time alone as I do, you lose social skills. When I finally do encounter people I do everything ‘right’, I’m polite, but I can’t really express myself or connect more deeply, so socialising doesn’t create the positive experience that seems to be so essential for recovery. Right now I don’t really think I can do positivity, I just want to do honesty, but that takes courage and I don’t like burdening folks. Cutting out porn is denying myself a major part of the way I experience an outlet for my feelings. There is a sense of achievement and my pride gets an ego boost from a streak, exercise, plus endorphins from cold showers and meditation, but the effect is of course temporary and these things don’t address deeper issues. Pride always comes before a fall, as they say.
     
  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hello mate. Sorry your feeling down. I think we have to be really careful with these narratives we tell ourselves about ourselves. I've been there many times too, an example of a common one for me is "im unlovable" and ill go through my past picking out the bits of evidence that support that statement while ignoring everything else. At a deeper level, I may even at times subconsciously seek out romantic situations that enforce it further. Madness


    But if you think about it a lot of what you have written is not fact, just one way of looking at things, seen through a probably somewhat distorted lens. I honestly dont think your socially awkward at all mate, not a patch

    do you feel like you spend too much time alone for you to enjoy it? I actually enjoy time alone in quiet and isolation, but i guess tooooooo much wouldn't be a good thing :)
     
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    WARNING: POTENTIAL TRIGGERS

    Ok guys, here's a question that just came up for me.

    So I've been having sex with D... and I know real sex is allowed in a reboot... and I'm keeping the p fantasy out of my mind as much as possible. But then the sex is so good, my favourite thing when she is on top and reaches around to touch my balls, and it's like so frickin explosive... is this ok?!! And it's not like, 'ooh I feel so bonded and lovey and close' but rather 'yeah, I love fucking the shit out of you!!!' kind of thoughts. Or should I be more Zen-like and relax into some sort of cuddly slow sex? It seem p has so affected my brain that I just want dirty p sex. Is that ok during reboot or are we all just perves beyond salvation?! :D She enjoys it too, so I guess it's ok. It's like that eternal, innocent child inside me still struggles with what my adult self actually enjoys.:confused:

    @cjm Yeah, thanks mate. I enjoy time alone too, but as you say, too much is not a good thing and sometimes I know I need to give myself a little push.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
    cjm likes this.
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Aye mate

    Well, why wouldn't it be? But then again you know about what ive been enjoying recently..........

    My idea is that when it comes to sex, as long as everyone is happy and no one is harmed physically or psychologically anything goes.

    I remember being in the women's changing rooms as a young boy marvelling as these naked women, and pretending to like one of the women's swimming costumes as an excuse for staring... lol. Maybe thats just me but there we go

    Edit my point is how long are we rralllllly an innocent child for in terms of sex and that was way before porn :)
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2019
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