Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I agree: it's very easy to fall prone to the overwhelming sexiness of a woman (in porn or real life) or the warm nest feeling. It's something we should master on our way from boys to become grown up and mature men. Staying solo for a while and getting our shit together will be a valuable phase for most.

    However the right women actually can inspire us to become better men. Women complement us, if we can handle them. They will get us out if we are stuck in our "cold minds" and will present us with new challenges so we can grow.

    If you stay alone you can only get so far in life and I have yet to see a widely successful and respected man without the presence of a woman (that is not his mother) in his life. But of course being alone is better than being with the wrong women. If you constantly pick the wrong women or get rejected by the women you desire there might be something you have to learn first.
     
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  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Women can be wonderful, rejuvenating, inspiring, energizing - all the rest of it. but there is possibly another side to things I think

    for example, yes having a solid relationship and a good woman by your side might inspire a man to be better and go further in his career, but they equally might stifle a mans creativity and effectively stop him form pursuing his dreams too

    i can think of several examples of the top of my head where relationship or family commitments have stopped a man pursuing his interests/dreams - and in may cases they have been happy to do so. I myself have been in this situation before, my father didn't write his second book partly because my mother was upset that she hadn't spent much time with him for so long - i can think of many more examples.

    I think this can be the case especially in interests outside of work, for most people time outside of work is limited and having a committed relationship (or even more so - i can imagine - a family) usually takes up quite a bit of time and energy

    As i am sure there are many successful attached men (this is hardly surprising given the default status of being attached in our society) but im certain there are many successful unattached men, or men who prioritized their work over their women and subsequently divorced (perhaps more than once even)

    its nice to look at women in this spiritual and fairly romantic sort of sense, like in "the way of the superior man" - yes women are like great, powerful forces of nature - like the ocean, still and beautiful one moment then raging and turbulent the next, but all their tests are for our benefit to help us grow and become better men, and so on. I like this perspective and i dont doubt the validity of this was of thinking for one moment. However you can look at them and relationships in another way, they can be a pain in the ass, confusing, confused, self centered, opportunistic, manipulative, hard work, consuming, fickle, etc

    afterall, "alone" is not really alone. we still have friends, family, colleagues, this board - its just single. As i mentioned society is very much geared towards couples so there is a lot of pressure on people to couple up - but if you think about it there are advantages to staying single for a while - even a long while, especially if, like me, you have strong doubts about wanting a family and children etc

    @TheScriabin still thinking about the girl - how are ya?
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I went to a Feldenkreiss workshop today and had a really nice time. I’ve done a number of things similar recently and am finally realising I’m a really nice bloke who is a bit of a super hot stud that women go nuts for if I just pay attention and stop doing my little boy act. I have never received so much attention from 50+ year old women.:D
     
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  4. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Heh. So you're finally figuring out you're not as awkward as you thought you were?

    Congratulations, welcome to stud life, good sir! XD
     
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    A good week. I’ve had my longest streak in ages, and noticing I’m enjoying people’s company more.

    It’s frickin painful trying to push beyond social anxiety, but that is to be expected, these skills don’t come overnight, and I’ve spent years avoiding, living in my little bubble, and I used fantasy to replace reality. I’ve done it for longer than I care to remember, and now I am consciously trying to fight the fantasy, fight the need to go to that place, my narcissistic cloud, I call it, which is a defence. It hurts, pain all the time, but if this is what growing up requires then I am open to it.

    @dark red drifter vessel hey man, not quit at stud life yet, but I’m trying to relax and be more myself. I made a dick of myself tonight, but the girl was gorgeous, and my coolness cracked when I was overly friendly.
     
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  6. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Once had a teacher, she said:

    If you're encountering resistance, keep going, it means you're making progress.

    That stud life comment was a bit tongue in cheek. But it's good to see you're starting to see your good side, and that people like you, when you're not obstructed.

    I feel a similar cloud hanging over my head. My feeling is I'll have to starve it, repair my focus by leading a boring, uncomfortable life. Huh.
     
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  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    A bit down after a relapse over the weekend, but I enjoyed some exercise, running in the rain, and stretching today.

    I’ve noticed I’ve been giving in to fatigue, crashing in the middle of day and having a snooze, as anxiety causes a hell of a lot of tiredness, but it must be pushed through and combatted with pro-active behaviour because it is fake fatigue.

    I will try to journal more. I have not been contributing as I’ve felt so down on myself I haven’t felt I’ve much to contribute, and I feel exposed, accountable, because it’s very visible how little progress I’ve made sometimes. But I mustn’t give up. I’m human and fuck up... lots. Even if I die depressed and miserable, I should at least be able to say I tried, and didn’t give in to inertia and feeling sorry for myself.
     
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  8. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mjah, but thats a negative feedback lop. Like only calling granny when you have something positive to report, so you never call granny, which is another negative added on top. Point of granny isn't to talk only about the good stuff, isn't reporting at all even. Point of calling granny is to connect with granny, say stuff like, granny I masturbated to foot fetish porn, doesn't feel so great, and granny'll be like, me old bones ache, doesn't feel so great, but the weather was nice when I sat on the balcony and smoked my old cigar, pondering the meaning of existance and shit, and you'll be like yeah, yesterday I went for running, and that wasn't too bad either. See? You think granny only wants them good news but no, granny wants to connect and talk about shit and know a thing or two bout yor life, man.

    We're granny. If that wasn't clear. Too little sleep, too much working today, my examples get a bit weird, just a tad bit weird. But d'you see the point?
     
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    I laughed harder than I should have :D
     
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    mission accomplished!
     
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    chin up mate!

    think of all the good stuff too, like the beautiful young GF, the workplace full of beautiful young dancers (LOL), the commission your working on!

    but yeah totally have a rant on here whenever you want, we all need a good ole moan sometimes, me included

    also i hear you on the self motivation, sometimes where we are at home losts and forced to work from our own initiative, under our own steam power - its hard. some people can just not do this at all and you manage, so that takes a certain self discipline to have the skills you have. In fact most artists I think must have this, as a lot of art, a lot of the practise, tends to be done alone I think :)

    Dinner soon?

    C
     
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I think I’m psychologically in a bad place and my thoughts are such a mess I have to learn to ignore them.

    @cjm Dinner soon would be cool, also what days do you go to the gym? We mentioned before about going. I’ve been using an app for upper body strength which I can do at home but would be good to have a decent work out.

    The girls at work are the problem!!! Other men are more chatty whereas I tend to withdraw. I’m sure they’d enjoy chatting with me but I don’t find it easy at the best of times, and if there is any competition I won’t even try. Another guy in my position said after so many years he doesn’t even notice or think about it anymore, but that never happened to me. I adore and am endlessly self-conscious and drooling over the girls!

    @dark red drifter vessel I’ll be back updating more often. That’s a good post. I see the world in black or white terms I think. I have nothing positive so I report nothing, which becomes negative. I don’t get it man!!!! I think I’m totally messed in the head but it doesn’t surprise me cos so are my family. I don’t know what to write.........!!

    Went back home for the day and saw how sad and emotionally cold my household is. I’m glad I got out last year. No wonder I survived that using p all those years. Mum’s constant fear projection, negativity and little girl vulnerability really affects me. Then, when I later tried to confide in my GF it lead to a fight between us. Same mistake of expecting GF to be the mother I never had. It’s the ticking bomb of mum’s repressed feelings and they become my own. She hands me her time bomb and I will explode with rages in my room, or using. Fascinating how easily the cycle of abuse and how easy it is to pass it on and become the abuser, made me concerned how I would be if I had my own children. I guess I should count myself lucky I have spotted this. It has to stop with us, deal with it, move on.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yep, our problems aren't entirely our own. The more you understand your familys special brand of being insane, the more pathways you'll encounter out of it. I feel we're somehow the generation to live out and through our kins emotional heritage and trauma. And yes, it has to stop with us. We have more clarity on what went down than those who came before (and they had their own fights and issues, whether they succeeded or not). From these insights stems a certain responsibility, not that a reminder that we have to fight this and overcome it would be necessary really.

    A very nice take away tho is: This is my responsibility, but it isn't entirely my own fault. This was passed on to me and I get to fight it.
     
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ill text ya :)
     
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  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    “Now nothing's impossible, I've found for when my chin is on the ground,
    I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.
    Don't lose your confidence if you slip, be grateful for a pleasant trip,
    And pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.…”
     
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  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Lost interest slightly in sex with gf. I think this might be owing to the usual London grind tiring me out, rather than losing interest in her. It’s also anxiety if I know I have an early start for work the following day I find relaxing and being in the moment for sex difficult. I enjoy it so much more on a lazy Friday night or Sunday morning. I have noticed my mood lower than normal recently too and I’m not sure why. I’m usually an extreme up or down kind of person, with my good moments amongst the bad, but recently I feel this inertia/apathy.
     
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Began taking cold showers finally, have noticed difference in mood in the mornings as a result. Feel more awake, alert and body feels surprisingly warmer afterward.

    Shall be collaborating with ex gf on a substantial project that she asked me to write the music for. Current gf not too happy about this when I asked how she felt, understandably. But she was cool enough to say I should do what I wanted, even though she won’t be able to support me through it. I finally made a decision for myself and not based upon pleasing/managing/not upsetting others and did what I wanted to do, which was accept the work opportunity.
     
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  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Mistakes I’ve made that almost always guarantee setbacks:

    •expecting perfection
    •unrealistic goals
    •beating myself up
    •comparing myself to others

    Feel a lot better today, cold showers definitely helping, must remember depression is a liar and an illusion no matter how real it may feel.

    Today I am choosing new places to eat breaky and lunch, change my habits of old. Same places all the time, same cappuccino, same toastie, same sarnies... I’ve become a predictable creature of habit and I’m missing out on new experiences!
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    My gf is fairly stressed with many things at the moment so it often dominates our conversations, and sex has not been as regular and fun as it used to be. But I’m developing better skills not to rescue or problem solve, remain chilled and positive and slightly detached. There is a major difference between emotional support and rescuing. Up until now I’d take the negative, always comparing myself: she is so busy and hard-working/I am so lazy and unmotivated etc. but I realised that I am in a lucky position to have the free time I do, if I use it to my advantage, and that is not because I am lazy. That is my mum’s voice; the years of conditioning comparing me to everyone else’s kids on the street. In fact, the more chill I am, the more attractive people seem to find me. I was listening to a lot of soul and funk, like Sly and the Family Stone, songs like ‘Everyday People’ etc, and I felt determined not to let life take this nice vibe away from me! Respect your woman but don’t dance to her tune! Write your own music :cool:
     
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  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yes. This: Spotting the patterns, understanding them. Then disassemble and sell the parts. Good job man! Understanding is one of the best tools. Keep going and don't look back (except for flipping a finger maybe)!
     
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