Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Active Member

    I laughed harder than I should have :D
     
  2. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    mission accomplished!
     
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    chin up mate!

    think of all the good stuff too, like the beautiful young GF, the workplace full of beautiful young dancers (LOL), the commission your working on!

    but yeah totally have a rant on here whenever you want, we all need a good ole moan sometimes, me included

    also i hear you on the self motivation, sometimes where we are at home losts and forced to work from our own initiative, under our own steam power - its hard. some people can just not do this at all and you manage, so that takes a certain self discipline to have the skills you have. In fact most artists I think must have this, as a lot of art, a lot of the practise, tends to be done alone I think :)

    Dinner soon?

    C
     
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I think I’m psychologically in a bad place and my thoughts are such a mess I have to learn to ignore them.

    @cjm Dinner soon would be cool, also what days do you go to the gym? We mentioned before about going. I’ve been using an app for upper body strength which I can do at home but would be good to have a decent work out.

    The girls at work are the problem!!! Other men are more chatty whereas I tend to withdraw. I’m sure they’d enjoy chatting with me but I don’t find it easy at the best of times, and if there is any competition I won’t even try. Another guy in my position said after so many years he doesn’t even notice or think about it anymore, but that never happened to me. I adore and am endlessly self-conscious and drooling over the girls!

    @dark red drifter vessel I’ll be back updating more often. That’s a good post. I see the world in black or white terms I think. I have nothing positive so I report nothing, which becomes negative. I don’t get it man!!!! I think I’m totally messed in the head but it doesn’t surprise me cos so are my family. I don’t know what to write.........!!

    Went back home for the day and saw how sad and emotionally cold my household is. I’m glad I got out last year. No wonder I survived that using p all those years. Mum’s constant fear projection, negativity and little girl vulnerability really affects me. Then, when I later tried to confide in my GF it lead to a fight between us. Same mistake of expecting GF to be the mother I never had. It’s the ticking bomb of mum’s repressed feelings and they become my own. She hands me her time bomb and I will explode with rages in my room, or using. Fascinating how easily the cycle of abuse and how easy it is to pass it on and become the abuser, made me concerned how I would be if I had my own children. I guess I should count myself lucky I have spotted this. It has to stop with us, deal with it, move on.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2019
  5. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yep, our problems aren't entirely our own. The more you understand your familys special brand of being insane, the more pathways you'll encounter out of it. I feel we're somehow the generation to live out and through our kins emotional heritage and trauma. And yes, it has to stop with us. We have more clarity on what went down than those who came before (and they had their own fights and issues, whether they succeeded or not). From these insights stems a certain responsibility, not that a reminder that we have to fight this and overcome it would be necessary really.

    A very nice take away tho is: This is my responsibility, but it isn't entirely my own fault. This was passed on to me and I get to fight it.
     
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ill text ya :)
     
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  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    “Now nothing's impossible, I've found for when my chin is on the ground,
    I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.
    Don't lose your confidence if you slip, be grateful for a pleasant trip,
    And pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again.…”
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Lost interest slightly in sex with gf. I think this might be owing to the usual London grind tiring me out, rather than losing interest in her. It’s also anxiety if I know I have an early start for work the following day I find relaxing and being in the moment for sex difficult. I enjoy it so much more on a lazy Friday night or Sunday morning. I have noticed my mood lower than normal recently too and I’m not sure why. I’m usually an extreme up or down kind of person, with my good moments amongst the bad, but recently I feel this inertia/apathy.
     
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Began taking cold showers finally, have noticed difference in mood in the mornings as a result. Feel more awake, alert and body feels surprisingly warmer afterward.

    Shall be collaborating with ex gf on a substantial project that she asked me to write the music for. Current gf not too happy about this when I asked how she felt, understandably. But she was cool enough to say I should do what I wanted, even though she won’t be able to support me through it. I finally made a decision for myself and not based upon pleasing/managing/not upsetting others and did what I wanted to do, which was accept the work opportunity.
     
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  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Mistakes I’ve made that almost always guarantee setbacks:

    •expecting perfection
    •unrealistic goals
    •beating myself up
    •comparing myself to others

    Feel a lot better today, cold showers definitely helping, must remember depression is a liar and an illusion no matter how real it may feel.

    Today I am choosing new places to eat breaky and lunch, change my habits of old. Same places all the time, same cappuccino, same toastie, same sarnies... I’ve become a predictable creature of habit and I’m missing out on new experiences!
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    My gf is fairly stressed with many things at the moment so it often dominates our conversations, and sex has not been as regular and fun as it used to be. But I’m developing better skills not to rescue or problem solve, remain chilled and positive and slightly detached. There is a major difference between emotional support and rescuing. Up until now I’d take the negative, always comparing myself: she is so busy and hard-working/I am so lazy and unmotivated etc. but I realised that I am in a lucky position to have the free time I do, if I use it to my advantage, and that is not because I am lazy. That is my mum’s voice; the years of conditioning comparing me to everyone else’s kids on the street. In fact, the more chill I am, the more attractive people seem to find me. I was listening to a lot of soul and funk, like Sly and the Family Stone, songs like ‘Everyday People’ etc, and I felt determined not to let life take this nice vibe away from me! Respect your woman but don’t dance to her tune! Write your own music :cool:
     
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  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Yes. This: Spotting the patterns, understanding them. Then disassemble and sell the parts. Good job man! Understanding is one of the best tools. Keep going and don't look back (except for flipping a finger maybe)!
     
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  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    :)
     
  14. SeekingWisdom

    SeekingWisdom Member

    Hey Scriabin, how have you been liking the cold showers? I love my hot showers in the morning. And while I haven't been able to give them up. I have been going to a cold shower for about 30 seconds or so at the end of my 'normal' shower. I feel like I'm still getting some of the benefits of the cold shower, while still enjoying my hot shower when I first get in. I'm not sure if this is scientifically beneficial or not, but it has been working for me the past couple weeks.

    Have you been getting good results from your habit? Any suggestions? It has to be a difficult habit to keep up!
     
  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey SeekingWisdom, I've been doing the same as you! Only a few times have I braved stepping straight into the cold. I prefer gradually increasing the cold and seeing how far I can push it. But that is what is stressed in the Wim Hof Method, you have to train your body to gradually get used to it, the aim being to eventually being able to go straight in. Yes, it is difficult to keep up, that is part of the challenge of training your mind and trying to remain focused on your goals.
     
  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    This morning did my WHM breathing (3 cycles, 2nd cycle with press-ups while breathe held). Managed to hold breathe on exhale for 70 seconds.

    Then finally managed straight into cold shower without gradually after warm one first. My friend is at the ice bath stage, not sure I’m quite ready for that yet, and I don’t have a bath, so I’ve got a good excuse ;)

    Good news with some music too: dance piece I wrote the music for is currently showing on BBC iPlayer; and also happy to have received another commission.

    I PMOd twice on Sunday, but I’m learning that clocking up the days is really not as important as making the most of each day free. I truly believe 1 day fully lived in a self-loving and creative way is worth more than 21 days abstaining merely counting the days. I know this isn’t a huge revelation for experienced nofapers, but at least I’m finally learning it.
     
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Latest streak is making me feel aggressive like I want to fight.

    Maybe should hit the gym or go running or something.
     
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Go running. More fresh air and you actually move in the world. Also, hi aggressive part of you, not sure we've met yet! XD
     
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^thanks mate, yes the running and activity has definitely helped.

    Stayed 2 days by the coast with my friend and his family. Kayaking, good food, and he showed my the basics to kite surfing which I am thinking I’d like to get into.

    This morning woke early and ran into the freezing cold sea and managed a minute. Bloody cold but felt energised and so warm afterwards. I don’t miss London or cafes or music at all right now.

    Feel that I’m having my first attempt at seriously rebooting rather than merely abstaining. Never really understood the difference before.

    Seeing D again this evening and looking forward to it.
     
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I am finding the Brainbuddy app very helpful.

    I am meditating every morning, breathing deeply, doing kegal exercises, reading positive texts, and am feeling calmer and managing to control temptation fairly easily.

    I know this is not a solution to all my problems, in fact it is kicking a lot of them up, including increased depression and fears for my future, but my body and general health is certainly improved. I must try to keep moving and feeling the small steps and not allow myself to get overwhelmed by the bigger picture.

    I’ve also cut down coffee to 1 cup in the morning. I now need to think about limiting internet time in general, less YouTube etc.
     
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