Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, saw your earlier post

    sorry you are feeling so low, can give me a message if you like

    i know its hard, but wold be great to find a way to stop being so hard on yourself, im starting to understand that depression is all in our own minds, all in our own thoughts to be more specific

    if you start to take control of that inner critic, you can start to heal

    ive been having a lot of success with this and would urge you to give it a go, also the book "feeling good"
    TheScriabin and Living like this.
  2. Living

    Living Active Member

    Hey, I saw the post too and I would like to say a couple of thing. First of all: we live in a world that we have turned into something very complex. While there are a lot of things that seem to go easy and automatic we have all these issues that we need to deal with. Especially on the social front it's pretty much impossible for anyone to do as they like without becoming selfconsious and insecure. You are not alone. Like you pretty much everybody has problems of their own. Although there might be better and worse ways to deal with those problems, that doesn't take the fact that it's a very complex society. So don't be too hard on yourself for not becoming who you would have liked to become.

    Second: there is no such thing as a fixed person that you become after years of a certain behaviour. What matters is what you do, not who you are. People we consider good do bad things too and even the most evil person you know does good things every now and then. So when it comes to 'not having become the person you wanted to become' there is this awesome solution: change your behaviour. And I'm not saying it's easy like that. Changing your behaviour on the long run can be tough as hell. But making small steps in acting the way you prefer can be as easy as clicking 'like' when something posts something you agree with. It's all about getingt in touch with what matters to you and act along those values. And those steps don't have to be work changing steps, make them as big as you are comfortable with. One of the things I saw in your post was about not helping others. You know, when I wrote that totally dorky post about counting spiders your reply really made my day. That helped me. Helping others doesn't have to be about writing ten paragraphs of solutions to a problem, sometimes it can be as small a thing as acknowledging that you read what someone wrote.

    Hope this helps you!
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  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Living and @cjm. You've both really helped me feeling a bit better :)

    Yes, I deleted that because I've posted so many negatives recently, I told myself I've got to start writing some positives or I'm just getting further stuck in self-defeating cycles. I am quite manic in my behaviour, writing a lot when I'm up and then nothing when I'm down, and I should try to find a more neutral and calm approach. That would do me a lot of good, and yes, start dropping in more on other peeps. I don't know what's happened to me recently.

    I've actually acheieved a lot over these last few weeks. I spent a week working with horses learning about horsemanship, it was challenging because I'm quite nervous around horses, but it was a powerful and sometime moving experience (a bit like horse whispering). I also managed to find myself a flat so I can finally move out of mum's. I'm also working hard. It's my emotions that always lag behind, the depression and anxiety wears me down and I get angry that I never seem to feel good. Everything has been accompanied by having lost my 'soulmate' and doing all these things alone, wondering what I'm doing and why. But I need more faith in the opportunities I cannot yet see, as life can be full of suprises. In fact D has offered me an opportunity and a gift to grow, if I can just learn to live with the loneliness from time to time.

    My anger is a real problem. I can take literally anything and turn it into a negative to attack myself with, so I am fully aware that CBT could be a much needed intervention at this time in my life. My counsellor who often works with the Enneagram personality types helped me understand I am a type 4, and it has overwhelmed me somewhat coming to terms with this, because I can relate with it so heavily, and type 4s are prone to self-pity, self-consciousness, fantasy, envy etc. It's very true of me, and I've been very suicidal processing all this stuff, as it all felt like too much seeing it so bleakly.

    I have to learn to intervene and stop the thoughts, no matter what, and not even enter into a dialogue with them, as my internal critic shows no mercy with me.

    I would like to volunteer when I'm settled in my new place, and maybe try to work more in nature when I'm not working.
    Living and cjm like this.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today I’m feeling a little more motivated that I can get over social anxiety, somehow. I’m a smart enough guy (which sometimes acts to my disadvantage). There is no reason this should be a life sentence. Things can get better. Compassion and self-love is the way, that is the water, without which nothing can change or grow, no matter how much I try, or what activities, challenges and craziness I throw myself at or twat myself over the head with.

    Right now, I am excited by moving in on my own and all the things that may start to happen for me that I can’t yet see, a mystery and unopened letter I need to have faith in.
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I have moved in permanently to my new place and there is a lot of work to do as the place is a bit grotty, but it has a lot of potential and is perfect for my power needs even though the neighbourhood is like a demilitarised zone (guess the movie quote ;-) . This is great for keeping me distracted and occupied, and thank God I don’t have any WiFi. I’m in no rush to get it!

    Many emotional ups and downs. I phoned a suicide clinic today as my depressions have been terrifying, although rationally I can see why I am experiencing such profound darknesses at the moment, with all the changes I am going through, moving into a new place alone, recently single, and it’s tough and lonely, but I will cope. The volunteer I spoke to was absolutely amazing. I am really glad I called. No shame in it at all.
  6. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    In some way it definitely sounds like an adventure. Once you pull through you'll look back with pride that you made it.

    Depression is a terrible thing, I've been battling it a lot throughout my life and last year I had therapy for it, which helped greatly. The strange thing is that it was mostly talking, some exercises and just a hand full of pretty straightforward advice. The advice was mostly about staying social with people and having the rest in check (exercise, diet).

    Make sure you get the basics in order. It will make you feel better. So the basics IMO are a proper exercise regime (work out hard) and good healthy food. And make sure you sleep enough. This is something I've been experimenting more with lately and the extra sleep helps a lot. Both in energy and emotional stability.
    TheScriabin and Living like this.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Non-native vocab question: What are power needs?

    Good to hear you'll be living on your own. The grand escape!

    Good luck with that!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  8. Living

    Living Active Member

    I can imagine that going through so many changes all at once can be a total confrontation and at times make you feel completely lost. But like you said: you will cope with it. It might not always be easy, but I'm sure you can do this. I think @Thebeg gave some pretty solid advice. Making basic positive steps in my life on a daily or regular basis (like exercising, eating healthy, meditation) to me is one the best ways to handle my problems. They make me feel good about myself and contribute to my physical and mental health a lot. They give me regularity and confidence. Combined with more occasional positive steps like playing D&D or watching a football game with friends, getting stuff done around the house, reading, taking a walk or hike, donating to a charity I'm interested in, getting out of my comfort zone every now and then and ofcourse counting spiders is the best way for me to feel good and experience that odd moment of happiness every now and then.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thank you Living! Yes, I feel very lost at times, and loneliness gets to me somewhat, but this is a necessary step. I feel I need to step into the darkness first to find my way to the light.

    Thanks :) I'm already planning on it. There is a military fitness thing very near me similar to what I did a year back, so am looking forward to getting back into it. Going for the beginner's session next weel. It's a good way to meet folk too local to the area too.

    Hey man, my music gear needs plenty of wall sockets, that's all!

    John Prine is keeping me company these days.

    "When I woke up this morning, things were lookin' bad
    Seem like total silence was the only friend I had
    Bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down... and won
    And it was twelve o'clock before I realized
    That I was havin' no fun
    But fortunately I have the key to escape reality
    And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
    It don't cost very much, but it lasts a long while
    Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone
    No I'm just tryin' to have me some fun."
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, great work on moving out, im sure you will start to feel like a "real man" now :) !!!!

    im also quite familiar with depression, was suffering from moderate depression long before i realised it, for a big chunk of my life

    all i can say is, in my opinion its in the mind and built on distorted thinking and preconceptions. Try and be kind to yourself, talk to yourself well, be nurturing and supportive of yourself.

    also, i know we all require some social stuff in our life (well most of us) but some require more than others. I've just been thinking about what you said about spedning too much time alone with your music, in a "fantasy" world. There is nothing wrong with that, how does most art get made?? Its whatever makes you YOU happy. The west, in particualr, clearly values extrovert, outgoing people, but not everyone is like that

    Dont feel forced into trying to be something that you are not. If you are comfortable and happy spending time alone working on music, then that's ok - in fact thats a good thing IMO. Being at peace with oneself and happy in ones own company is a great thing. However, i do think its benifiical for someone (like me) who is more introverted to learn more extroverted skills, or be able to unleash your "inner extrovert" from time to time. But for me, there comes a time when i've had enough and just want to be home in my own company :)

    Personally, both my jobs are very social and ill see friends or family once or twice a week additionally - that's more than enough for me. I like time to myself tow work on my music :)
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
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  11. Living

    Living Active Member

    That's great company. I know only a few of his songs, but Angel From Montgomery is one of my favorite songs ever. The first time I heard it was actually a cover by Susan Tedeschi and it just hit me. It's a just such a beautiful song, but I have to admit I actually prefer Susan's version. Perhaps it's because of the lyrics being written from a female perspective it makes more sense to me, but also because she can really put the blues in a song. And this song is enriched by that. Most of the time a really good song doesn't get better when it's covered, but to me this is one of those rare exceptions where that does happen. I guess that's mainly due to John Prine's great songwriting though. I also really like In Spite Of Ourselves. That's a great little song!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    That’s really interesting Living! Similarly, I originally knew John Denver’s cover of AFM (included on his album ‘Farewell Andromeda’) so I had a similar experience of preferring it to Prine’s as I’d grown up listening to Denver. John Prine eventually grabbed me though! I shall check out the Tedeschi version you mention.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
    Living likes this.
  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks for the reply CJM! I initially thought I shouldn’t have written that as I know you are creative with music too, which I think is a really productive and healthy thing to do. The only reason I try to be careful about doing it too much is I have spent years and years, so for me perhaps giving it a rest is a good thing, so by fantasy I mean my tendency to dream about my stuff being famous, when in reality I’m just playing around and twiddling knobs in my room not really doing anything with it in the big wide world. But it’s also something that brings me much happiness, so I probably shouldn’t over-analyse too much.
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    ive felt like that before, perhaps we go through cycles :) You know whats best for you. some balance in life is usually a good thing too :)
  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    Didn't know that version, but I guess it's a song that has been covered a lot of times. What I like in Prine's version is that raw and uncut element in the way he sings the song. I guess it's kinda like Bob Dylan: both aren't technically the best singers, but that really adds a certain charm to the songs. Especially combined with the style both have. It makes you believe what they sing.
  16. Living

    Living Active Member

    I have been there too. I put way too much focus on the result and what others might think of what I made. That really took a whole lot of joy out of what I did and actually stopped me from putting music out there. But I guess you could take a more mindful approach to it and pay more attention to the process instead of the result. In that way it can, besides being fun to explore your musical world , also be a fun training in mindfulness.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today was the first day in years I made breakfast and had coffee at home, breaking the habit of getting to my favourite coffee shop before work for a panini and cappuccino.

    A tiny but important victory, and money saved!
    Londoner likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Meaning you did that at your own place where no one bugs you?
    If so, fuck yeah independence!
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I thank life for my recent pain, depressions and relapses. The more pain I allow myself to experience the more I see the picture of the reality I have unwittingly created for myself more clearly, the uncomfortable picture I am blanking with porn use. Every ounce of pain is a gift. I am alive after all, and that is why my body is putting me through hell, until I start listening to it better.
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    That might be a bit nihilistic, but its also kind of true.
    Where I in the cookie industry, you'd get a cookie now!

    Take care man. One day you'll listen alright, till then, enjoy the fireworks!
    TheScriabin likes this.

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