Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thank you Living! Yes, I feel very lost at times, and loneliness gets to me somewhat, but this is a necessary step. I feel I need to step into the darkness first to find my way to the light.

    Thanks :) I'm already planning on it. There is a military fitness thing very near me similar to what I did a year back, so am looking forward to getting back into it. Going for the beginner's session next weel. It's a good way to meet folk too local to the area too.

    Hey man, my music gear needs plenty of wall sockets, that's all!

    John Prine is keeping me company these days.

    "When I woke up this morning, things were lookin' bad
    Seem like total silence was the only friend I had
    Bowl of oatmeal tried to stare me down... and won
    And it was twelve o'clock before I realized
    That I was havin' no fun
    But fortunately I have the key to escape reality
    And you may see me tonight with an illegal smile
    It don't cost very much, but it lasts a long while
    Won't you please tell the man I didn't kill anyone
    No I'm just tryin' to have me some fun."
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, great work on moving out, im sure you will start to feel like a "real man" now :) !!!!

    im also quite familiar with depression, was suffering from moderate depression long before i realised it, for a big chunk of my life

    all i can say is, in my opinion its in the mind and built on distorted thinking and preconceptions. Try and be kind to yourself, talk to yourself well, be nurturing and supportive of yourself.

    also, i know we all require some social stuff in our life (well most of us) but some require more than others. I've just been thinking about what you said about spedning too much time alone with your music, in a "fantasy" world. There is nothing wrong with that, how does most art get made?? Its whatever makes you YOU happy. The west, in particualr, clearly values extrovert, outgoing people, but not everyone is like that

    Dont feel forced into trying to be something that you are not. If you are comfortable and happy spending time alone working on music, then that's ok - in fact thats a good thing IMO. Being at peace with oneself and happy in ones own company is a great thing. However, i do think its benifiical for someone (like me) who is more introverted to learn more extroverted skills, or be able to unleash your "inner extrovert" from time to time. But for me, there comes a time when i've had enough and just want to be home in my own company :)

    Personally, both my jobs are very social and ill see friends or family once or twice a week additionally - that's more than enough for me. I like time to myself tow work on my music :)
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
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  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    That's great company. I know only a few of his songs, but Angel From Montgomery is one of my favorite songs ever. The first time I heard it was actually a cover by Susan Tedeschi and it just hit me. It's a just such a beautiful song, but I have to admit I actually prefer Susan's version. Perhaps it's because of the lyrics being written from a female perspective it makes more sense to me, but also because she can really put the blues in a song. And this song is enriched by that. Most of the time a really good song doesn't get better when it's covered, but to me this is one of those rare exceptions where that does happen. I guess that's mainly due to John Prine's great songwriting though. I also really like In Spite Of Ourselves. That's a great little song!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    That’s really interesting Living! Similarly, I originally knew John Denver’s cover of AFM (included on his album ‘Farewell Andromeda’) so I had a similar experience of preferring it to Prine’s as I’d grown up listening to Denver. John Prine eventually grabbed me though! I shall check out the Tedeschi version you mention.
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
    Living likes this.
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey thanks for the reply CJM! I initially thought I shouldn’t have written that as I know you are creative with music too, which I think is a really productive and healthy thing to do. The only reason I try to be careful about doing it too much is I have spent years and years, so for me perhaps giving it a rest is a good thing, so by fantasy I mean my tendency to dream about my stuff being famous, when in reality I’m just playing around and twiddling knobs in my room not really doing anything with it in the big wide world. But it’s also something that brings me much happiness, so I probably shouldn’t over-analyse too much.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    ive felt like that before, perhaps we go through cycles :) You know whats best for you. some balance in life is usually a good thing too :)
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Didn't know that version, but I guess it's a song that has been covered a lot of times. What I like in Prine's version is that raw and uncut element in the way he sings the song. I guess it's kinda like Bob Dylan: both aren't technically the best singers, but that really adds a certain charm to the songs. Especially combined with the style both have. It makes you believe what they sing.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I have been there too. I put way too much focus on the result and what others might think of what I made. That really took a whole lot of joy out of what I did and actually stopped me from putting music out there. But I guess you could take a more mindful approach to it and pay more attention to the process instead of the result. In that way it can, besides being fun to explore your musical world , also be a fun training in mindfulness.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today was the first day in years I made breakfast and had coffee at home, breaking the habit of getting to my favourite coffee shop before work for a panini and cappuccino.

    A tiny but important victory, and money saved!
    Londoner likes this.
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Meaning you did that at your own place where no one bugs you?
    If so, fuck yeah independence!
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  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I thank life for my recent pain, depressions and relapses. The more pain I allow myself to experience the more I see the picture of the reality I have unwittingly created for myself more clearly, the uncomfortable picture I am blanking with porn use. Every ounce of pain is a gift. I am alive after all, and that is why my body is putting me through hell, until I start listening to it better.
  12. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    That might be a bit nihilistic, but its also kind of true.
    Where I in the cookie industry, you'd get a cookie now!

    Take care man. One day you'll listen alright, till then, enjoy the fireworks!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  13. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I agree: it's very easy to fall prone to the overwhelming sexiness of a woman (in porn or real life) or the warm nest feeling. It's something we should master on our way from boys to become grown up and mature men. Staying solo for a while and getting our shit together will be a valuable phase for most.

    However the right women actually can inspire us to become better men. Women complement us, if we can handle them. They will get us out if we are stuck in our "cold minds" and will present us with new challenges so we can grow.

    If you stay alone you can only get so far in life and I have yet to see a widely successful and respected man without the presence of a woman (that is not his mother) in his life. But of course being alone is better than being with the wrong women. If you constantly pick the wrong women or get rejected by the women you desire there might be something you have to learn first.
    cjm and TheScriabin like this.
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Women can be wonderful, rejuvenating, inspiring, energizing - all the rest of it. but there is possibly another side to things I think

    for example, yes having a solid relationship and a good woman by your side might inspire a man to be better and go further in his career, but they equally might stifle a mans creativity and effectively stop him form pursuing his dreams too

    i can think of several examples of the top of my head where relationship or family commitments have stopped a man pursuing his interests/dreams - and in may cases they have been happy to do so. I myself have been in this situation before, my father didn't write his second book partly because my mother was upset that she hadn't spent much time with him for so long - i can think of many more examples.

    I think this can be the case especially in interests outside of work, for most people time outside of work is limited and having a committed relationship (or even more so - i can imagine - a family) usually takes up quite a bit of time and energy

    As i am sure there are many successful attached men (this is hardly surprising given the default status of being attached in our society) but im certain there are many successful unattached men, or men who prioritized their work over their women and subsequently divorced (perhaps more than once even)

    its nice to look at women in this spiritual and fairly romantic sort of sense, like in "the way of the superior man" - yes women are like great, powerful forces of nature - like the ocean, still and beautiful one moment then raging and turbulent the next, but all their tests are for our benefit to help us grow and become better men, and so on. I like this perspective and i dont doubt the validity of this was of thinking for one moment. However you can look at them and relationships in another way, they can be a pain in the ass, confusing, confused, self centered, opportunistic, manipulative, hard work, consuming, fickle, etc

    afterall, "alone" is not really alone. we still have friends, family, colleagues, this board - its just single. As i mentioned society is very much geared towards couples so there is a lot of pressure on people to couple up - but if you think about it there are advantages to staying single for a while - even a long while, especially if, like me, you have strong doubts about wanting a family and children etc

    @TheScriabin still thinking about the girl - how are ya?
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I went to a Feldenkreiss workshop today and had a really nice time. I’ve done a number of things similar recently and am finally realising I’m a really nice bloke who is a bit of a super hot stud that women go nuts for if I just pay attention and stop doing my little boy act. I have never received so much attention from 50+ year old women.:D
    Londoner likes this.
  16. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Heh. So you're finally figuring out you're not as awkward as you thought you were?

    Congratulations, welcome to stud life, good sir! XD
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    A good week. I’ve had my longest streak in ages, and noticing I’m enjoying people’s company more.

    It’s frickin painful trying to push beyond social anxiety, but that is to be expected, these skills don’t come overnight, and I’ve spent years avoiding, living in my little bubble, and I used fantasy to replace reality. I’ve done it for longer than I care to remember, and now I am consciously trying to fight the fantasy, fight the need to go to that place, my narcissistic cloud, I call it, which is a defence. It hurts, pain all the time, but if this is what growing up requires then I am open to it.

    @dark red drifter vessel hey man, not quit at stud life yet, but I’m trying to relax and be more myself. I made a dick of myself tonight, but the girl was gorgeous, and my coolness cracked when I was overly friendly.
    cjm likes this.
  18. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Once had a teacher, she said:

    If you're encountering resistance, keep going, it means you're making progress.

    That stud life comment was a bit tongue in cheek. But it's good to see you're starting to see your good side, and that people like you, when you're not obstructed.

    I feel a similar cloud hanging over my head. My feeling is I'll have to starve it, repair my focus by leading a boring, uncomfortable life. Huh.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    A bit down after a relapse over the weekend, but I enjoyed some exercise, running in the rain, and stretching today.

    I’ve noticed I’ve been giving in to fatigue, crashing in the middle of day and having a snooze, as anxiety causes a hell of a lot of tiredness, but it must be pushed through and combatted with pro-active behaviour because it is fake fatigue.

    I will try to journal more. I have not been contributing as I’ve felt so down on myself I haven’t felt I’ve much to contribute, and I feel exposed, accountable, because it’s very visible how little progress I’ve made sometimes. But I mustn’t give up. I’m human and fuck up... lots. Even if I die depressed and miserable, I should at least be able to say I tried, and didn’t give in to inertia and feeling sorry for myself.
    cjm likes this.
  20. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Mjah, but thats a negative feedback lop. Like only calling granny when you have something positive to report, so you never call granny, which is another negative added on top. Point of granny isn't to talk only about the good stuff, isn't reporting at all even. Point of calling granny is to connect with granny, say stuff like, granny I masturbated to foot fetish porn, doesn't feel so great, and granny'll be like, me old bones ache, doesn't feel so great, but the weather was nice when I sat on the balcony and smoked my old cigar, pondering the meaning of existance and shit, and you'll be like yeah, yesterday I went for running, and that wasn't too bad either. See? You think granny only wants them good news but no, granny wants to connect and talk about shit and know a thing or two bout yor life, man.

    We're granny. If that wasn't clear. Too little sleep, too much working today, my examples get a bit weird, just a tad bit weird. But d'you see the point?

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