Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I'm really losing my mind my friends. I booked AirBnb in the city I was scheduled to fly to for a couple of days, after my bro expressed similar sentiments to @Fry2 that I should make the most of my money and take the flight anyway. But I'm feeling so upset. I don't think I can be in the city near the girl who doesn't want anything to do with me and said so. Walking the streets and seeing the sights that only days before we were planning to do together. I think I am killing myself. I am not feeling well and crying as I type this. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even respond knowing I'm lost in the city somewhere. She is not sympathetic like previous girlfriends were to some of my self-confidence and anxiety issues, as she finds it much easier to blank me to deal with my own crap. She has a good sense of self-integrity in that way I must admit. 'You are not my responsibility or problem' was one of the last messages she sent.

    I think @cjm is right. Screw this damn woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and my top priority is my own mental health and peace of mind. Also I find myself wondering what @Thebeg would do. I think you'd identify I've become rather dependant on one woman for validation, which weakens my position, irritates her, and I'm not thinking straight or putting my own needs first?

    Fuck this shit. How the hell I'm not relapsing I don't know.

    One final point, I appreciate the stuff with this girl has become a tad repetitive and tedious. I realise I've been having these issues for months. I will attempt to put the lid on it and hopefully a new chapter in my life can start. But thanks, guys, for having my back through the minefield. I simply have no experience with stronger character women. No wonder the sex was so damn good :rolleyes:
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
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  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Well maybe it's better it ends with a bang this way. Now there's only going forward for you. Sounds like forgetting her birthday was just the excuse she needed to end things.

    I read a lot of fantasizing about her in your posts. So try to reflect what about her was real, and what parts were simply the result of your imagination. I used to do this too in the past, it made me put her on a pedestal. Best example is E who I met in 2016 and who was the direct reason to start this particular journal. The more you live in the now (less thinking), the more you are letting go of stuff that wasn't real in the first place.

    In that sense, yes, it may be good to put yourself in a situation that will require your attention and focus. Least of all you want to isolate yourself and dwell in sorrow. You're an awesome dude who deserves so much more than self-loathing. Please don't put any blame on yourself.

    Travelling alone is scary indeed. So if you go, focus on doing stuff there and meeting new people. Don't think about what-ifs with your ex, but think about how to make things awesome for you; the most important person in your life. Find some touristic things to do, if possible in a group.

    Rejoice the fact that now you're free to develop into a better version of yourself that will enjoy the company of much better women. You're worth that. Maybe you disagree now due to the lovesickness hormones :) but night is darkest before dawn.

    Developing core masculine strengths is of vital importance in our development as men. So yes, that's why it was up to yourself to arrange the trip, not your ex. That's also the reason why you feel to attracted to her, because she has a trait that you find missing in yourself. I had exactly the same with E, she was so cool and awesome, I looked up to her strength. This is also exactly why she wasn't attracted to me. I lacked the masculine strength. After two years I can say I found most if not all of this strength in myself.

    So listen to your gut here, you will be alright. You'll get in as better place. It doesn't need to happen overnight, but any step out of comfort will add to it. In that sense an unexpected opportunity lies before you.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Well, I went to Greece, booked AirBnB and had a great time. More sex and nice times with D swimming in the sea. But that girl is difficult. I’ve always welcomed the challenge of a more difficult and direct woman as I’m sure the sex is better, and it absolutely was. In bed I feel like a man, but in everything else like an insecure child. No woman has ever made me quite so anxious and alive in equal doses. I’m beginning to understand why I’ve always picked ‘safe’ girls before. D has hundreds of friends, is confident around both sexes equally, I’ve been ‘triggered’ constantly by her and I couldn’t figure out if I was being courageous and mature or just torturing myself.

    Getting close to life can occasionally burn us, but we need to develop a thicker skin.

    Phew. :oops: Time to move on.
  4. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    So what's happening? She's in Greece and it's ended for good now?
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I’ve no idea! But I think I need to start looking for somebody else for my own sanity. :D
  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I need to address my tendency to:

    Over-analyse/self-obsess. I have unwittingly developed this problem through my attempts to understand myself over the years, but it has lead to considerable introspective naval gazing.

    These next months I need to develop the attitude of do more/think less.

    So today I’ve booked a horse riding lesson. One of my bucket list things but something I was always very nervous to do. That will be good, some fear to focus my mind.

    Sometimes the solution is worse than the problem.” - Pet Shop Boys
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  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Horse riding was run. I think that is something I want to do more of. The teacher was really cool. My friend came with me to watch and took some pics, but she didn’t ride. The horse was so sensitive to the subtlest of signals from me.

    Today I feel very empty and sad though. I am trying to keep my mind off D, but am missing her a lot.

    The big decisions of my life at the moment feel overwhelming. There is a big, crazy world out there and I just don’t feel part of it. D said the world is out there, it is not in the bedroom. She is right.
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  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Things are going ok for me. I purposefully took a break from these boards as I needed to start getting out there and dealing with some shit.

    I have been having dancing lessons, riding horses, I went to Nice with my friend for 2 days and we had a good time. Chatting, drinking, swimming in the sea, appreciating the beautiful women (and shit they are everywhere). I think he appreciated it too as he'd been a bit down lately himself. He did comment that he felt there were 3 of us on the holiday: him, me and D who I kept thinking about. But I appreciated him telling me to get out of my head and enjoy being present, something we both have to work on.

    I realise what happened with D. Lost myself in that one. Became too much of a little boy. I gotta move on. I know she is, I have to as well. Actually, I welcome this opportunity, it is a positive thing to lose, because it is very clear to me that I make more progress with overcoming social anxiety the times I have been single, because I focus more on myself, and that is the most important goal and journey of my life at the moment. Making steps with this will create more beautiful opportunies than a relationship could bring. That sounds corny, maybe like I kidding myself, but I'm beginning to believe it is so. I was addicted to D because it was so exciting, but she was never that supportive of my anxiety issues and in all honesty I was never really able to be fully myself around her, except in the bedroom. But I need somebody able to see me in everything. There was a lot of mutual fantasising taking place.

    I learned yesterday a good friend of mine commited suicide. I was really shaken by this. He was only 32. He had tried so hard to sort himself out. A beautiful, courageous person. I find it difficult when people judge suicide, although I do understand the anger people feel at a person having given up and not believed in themselves, or trusted life and people to help them. But I can relate with feeling that way as I have been there myself. I will use his life to propel myself forward in the way he would have liked me to. I hope you are at peace now my dear friend. I wish I had been there for you more.

    Today I helped my buddy with his personal trainer assessment. He needed a 'virtual client' and I was the guy being filmed for the video of him showing me all the equipment and giving me basic training. I really enjoyed it, and it has given me an extra boost to get down to the gym more often.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018
  9. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're doing well. It's always good to talk to friends about women who are stuck in your head, although the remark of your friend is an indicator that you should actively focus on thoughts and activities that make you forget her.
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  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Have to make myself write something. This journey is too painful. I would rather exist in the fantasy land that I used to live in than have the knowledge and insight I have now gained about life, about people, about what really goes on out there in the world, but without the skills and confidence to act upon any of it and live it, without feeling threatened, terrified, inadequate. The truth is fucking horrible. I am in pain all the time. D has moved on. She is probably fucking stronger males by now. She is a smart girl with enough self-esteem to protect herself and seek out what is good for her. She is right to move on. I have nothing to offer this world. I am sorry guys, I just can't do this anymore. In the final analysis, like Jordan Peterson says, you need to leave losers behind. Life is simple. Kill or be killed. Please God take me away from this hell. I do not want to live anymore.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man been wondering how you are :)

    Honestly, you'll be ok, you can do this - i promise you :) most of the things you are telling yourself, are not true - that's the disease talking. The depression.

    But you need to see someone, id say its an emergency. Are you UK? Mind is a good charity here in the uk that offers emergency councilling

    If you like, gimme a call or message or PM. +44 7922652263

    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
  12. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hi @TheScriabin, very sorry to read you're feeling so unwell. Remember this will pass too and you'll feel better again.

    Maybe you can find some medical help / see a doctor and see if - for example - a SSRI or some other remedy could help you smooth out the emotional edges and the deep downfalls you apperently have to endure. Also it could help to talk someone in real life or you take CJMs offer.

    Someone on this board once recommended the book "Feeling good" by David Burns to me for depression and ahedonia. Bought it but have to read it yet but as you can see from the customer feedback in Amazon it's highly recommended and might be worth the 5$
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
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  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I don’t want to feel this anger towards her. :( I want to wish her well, and happiness in her life. She gave me beautiful experiences. It is wrong of me to feel this way about her.
    cjm likes this.
  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thanks Fry, I actually have a copy. I was thinking CBT could really help me through these times. I need to reclaim myself.
  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    I'm really sorry to read you are feeling like this. Live isn't always easy or fair or whatever. And the societies we live in can be more complex than we can sometimes handle. I agree with CJM: it is very likely there will be a time when you look back and look at all this from a different, more positive prospective. You are a great person, don't let times like these bring you down. And I agree on the CBT: it can make the difference. It did to me and it still does.
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  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Thanks Living, I really appreciate it. That’s a good point about our societies. I very much relate with this, living in a crazy big city, but just wanting to connect with people like me on a down to earth level, but finding it so hard to find, or maybe, even when I find it, I still run from it and choose the crazy dysfunctional life, another issue to look at altogether. Am I telling myself to be a good liberal and open-minded person, but am silently suffering because I am not with people like me? Why do we do this to ourselves?

    I have to find a reason to survive, it is not enough for me to just say ‘ending my life is a waste’, because I know I can waste my life while I’m living it too, so I have to sort out these problems. This thing is bigger than I ever imagined; this becoming an authentic adult/male reclaiming my masculinity etc. It is like, despite 20 years of therapy, I am only just waking up to it, and it’s very painful! Thanks always for your support.
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
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  17. Living

    Living Active Member

    I can relate to that last part. I don't really know how to properly 'adult' and very often when I look at my life I feel like I'm way behind other people my age. I mean: I'm 37 and just finished my Masters last month. From what I've read on these boards we are not the only ones either. But perhaps living up to all these expectations we were brought up with is not what living is about. The last couple of years I have been learning about all that is beautiful about live and there are a whole lot of things that are worth your time and energy. It would probably take my entire life to name them all and that's not just because I stutter;)

    For example, this weekend it was National Spidercounting Weekend in my country. You just go around your garden and count as much spiders as you can find. You could also do it in your house or near your appartment. It doesn't matter. I did it for the second time yesterday and I loved it. Why? Because you take time to see a part of this world that you never payed close attention to. You see all these things that are right in front of you, but that you never took the time to see. I honestly believe that the more you engage with your surroundings the more you will find how valuable it is. This is enriching your life at no costs but time and energy. And like I said: there are a whole lot of ways to do that.
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  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    That is so beautiful and wonderful. Thank you for sharing that and putting a big smile on my face! :) I'm off to count spiders myself!
    Living likes this.
  19. ClimbXR

    ClimbXR Active Member

    I wish more people would realize the power of going outside and not being stuck at home. Sometimes it takes immense willpower or connecting with someone you can trust to be there with you. Limiting technology and artificial stimulation is key. I was watching the recent interview of Elon Musk with Joe Rogan...

    Elon was talking about how dangerous it is to be stuck in the fake world of social media, technology and totally forget about the real physical world. And this is coming from a guy whose entire career is around technology.

    The spider count is truly awesome.
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  20. Living

    Living Active Member

    Hahaha it's good to see you guys like it:) If you find it interesting you could find out if there is an organisation in your country that is in need for such counts. Here in the Netherlands we have several anual counting events (birds, butterflies, spiders etc), but there also is a website where you fill in your count whenever you like. I do that regularly: just count the birds for one week and send it in. It raises my own awareness, I learn about nature and I help science with it. For some reasons I especially like it in winter. Last year I had a group of 20-30 siskins visiting our small garden (100 m2) for over a month. That was really awesome! But like I said: there are tons of ways to find happiness in little things like these. I love nature, so I'm really into stuff like these countings, but there is stuff like this for everybody. All you need to do is look around you and find what's already there.

    I do agree with what @ClimbXR said about going outdoors though. To me engaging in my outdoor is a huge energy boost!
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