Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're doing well. It's always good to talk to friends about women who are stuck in your head, although the remark of your friend is an indicator that you should actively focus on thoughts and activities that make you forget her.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Have to make myself write something. This journey is too painful. I would rather exist in the fantasy land that I used to live in than have the knowledge and insight I have now gained about life, about people, about what really goes on out there in the world, but without the skills and confidence to act upon any of it and live it, without feeling threatened, terrified, inadequate. The truth is fucking horrible. I am in pain all the time. D has moved on. She is probably fucking stronger males by now. She is a smart girl with enough self-esteem to protect herself and seek out what is good for her. She is right to move on. I have nothing to offer this world. I am sorry guys, I just can't do this anymore. In the final analysis, like Jordan Peterson says, you need to leave losers behind. Life is simple. Kill or be killed. Please God take me away from this hell. I do not want to live anymore.
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man been wondering how you are :)

    Honestly, you'll be ok, you can do this - i promise you :) most of the things you are telling yourself, are not true - that's the disease talking. The depression.

    But you need to see someone, id say its an emergency. Are you UK? Mind is a good charity here in the uk that offers emergency councilling

    If you like, gimme a call or message or PM. +44 7922652263

    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
  4. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hi @TheScriabin, very sorry to read you're feeling so unwell. Remember this will pass too and you'll feel better again.

    Maybe you can find some medical help / see a doctor and see if - for example - a SSRI or some other remedy could help you smooth out the emotional edges and the deep downfalls you apperently have to endure. Also it could help to talk someone in real life or you take CJMs offer.

    Someone on this board once recommended the book "Feeling good" by David Burns to me for depression and ahedonia. Bought it but have to read it yet but as you can see from the customer feedback in Amazon it's highly recommended and might be worth the 5$
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
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  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I don’t want to feel this anger towards her. :( I want to wish her well, and happiness in her life. She gave me beautiful experiences. It is wrong of me to feel this way about her.
    cjm likes this.
  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Fry, I actually have a copy. I was thinking CBT could really help me through these times. I need to reclaim myself.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry to read you are feeling like this. Live isn't always easy or fair or whatever. And the societies we live in can be more complex than we can sometimes handle. I agree with CJM: it is very likely there will be a time when you look back and look at all this from a different, more positive prospective. You are a great person, don't let times like these bring you down. And I agree on the CBT: it can make the difference. It did to me and it still does.
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  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Living, I really appreciate it. That’s a good point about our societies. I very much relate with this, living in a crazy big city, but just wanting to connect with people like me on a down to earth level, but finding it so hard to find, or maybe, even when I find it, I still run from it and choose the crazy dysfunctional life, another issue to look at altogether. Am I telling myself to be a good liberal and open-minded person, but am silently suffering because I am not with people like me? Why do we do this to ourselves?

    I have to find a reason to survive, it is not enough for me to just say ‘ending my life is a waste’, because I know I can waste my life while I’m living it too, so I have to sort out these problems. This thing is bigger than I ever imagined; this becoming an authentic adult/male reclaiming my masculinity etc. It is like, despite 20 years of therapy, I am only just waking up to it, and it’s very painful! Thanks always for your support.
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2018
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  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that last part. I don't really know how to properly 'adult' and very often when I look at my life I feel like I'm way behind other people my age. I mean: I'm 37 and just finished my Masters last month. From what I've read on these boards we are not the only ones either. But perhaps living up to all these expectations we were brought up with is not what living is about. The last couple of years I have been learning about all that is beautiful about live and there are a whole lot of things that are worth your time and energy. It would probably take my entire life to name them all and that's not just because I stutter;)

    For example, this weekend it was National Spidercounting Weekend in my country. You just go around your garden and count as much spiders as you can find. You could also do it in your house or near your appartment. It doesn't matter. I did it for the second time yesterday and I loved it. Why? Because you take time to see a part of this world that you never payed close attention to. You see all these things that are right in front of you, but that you never took the time to see. I honestly believe that the more you engage with your surroundings the more you will find how valuable it is. This is enriching your life at no costs but time and energy. And like I said: there are a whole lot of ways to do that.
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  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    That is so beautiful and wonderful. Thank you for sharing that and putting a big smile on my face! :) I'm off to count spiders myself!
    Living likes this.
  11. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I wish more people would realize the power of going outside and not being stuck at home. Sometimes it takes immense willpower or connecting with someone you can trust to be there with you. Limiting technology and artificial stimulation is key. I was watching the recent interview of Elon Musk with Joe Rogan...

    Elon was talking about how dangerous it is to be stuck in the fake world of social media, technology and totally forget about the real physical world. And this is coming from a guy whose entire career is around technology.

    The spider count is truly awesome.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Hahaha it's good to see you guys like it:) If you find it interesting you could find out if there is an organisation in your country that is in need for such counts. Here in the Netherlands we have several anual counting events (birds, butterflies, spiders etc), but there also is a website where you fill in your count whenever you like. I do that regularly: just count the birds for one week and send it in. It raises my own awareness, I learn about nature and I help science with it. For some reasons I especially like it in winter. Last year I had a group of 20-30 siskins visiting our small garden (100 m2) for over a month. That was really awesome! But like I said: there are tons of ways to find happiness in little things like these. I love nature, so I'm really into stuff like these countings, but there is stuff like this for everybody. All you need to do is look around you and find what's already there.

    I do agree with what @ClimbXR said about going outdoors though. To me engaging in my outdoor is a huge energy boost!
    TheScriabin likes this.
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, saw your earlier post

    sorry you are feeling so low, can give me a message if you like

    i know its hard, but wold be great to find a way to stop being so hard on yourself, im starting to understand that depression is all in our own minds, all in our own thoughts to be more specific

    if you start to take control of that inner critic, you can start to heal

    ive been having a lot of success with this and would urge you to give it a go, also the book "feeling good"
    TheScriabin and Living like this.
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Hey, I saw the post too and I would like to say a couple of thing. First of all: we live in a world that we have turned into something very complex. While there are a lot of things that seem to go easy and automatic we have all these issues that we need to deal with. Especially on the social front it's pretty much impossible for anyone to do as they like without becoming selfconsious and insecure. You are not alone. Like you pretty much everybody has problems of their own. Although there might be better and worse ways to deal with those problems, that doesn't take the fact that it's a very complex society. So don't be too hard on yourself for not becoming who you would have liked to become.

    Second: there is no such thing as a fixed person that you become after years of a certain behaviour. What matters is what you do, not who you are. People we consider good do bad things too and even the most evil person you know does good things every now and then. So when it comes to 'not having become the person you wanted to become' there is this awesome solution: change your behaviour. And I'm not saying it's easy like that. Changing your behaviour on the long run can be tough as hell. But making small steps in acting the way you prefer can be as easy as clicking 'like' when something posts something you agree with. It's all about getingt in touch with what matters to you and act along those values. And those steps don't have to be work changing steps, make them as big as you are comfortable with. One of the things I saw in your post was about not helping others. You know, when I wrote that totally dorky post about counting spiders your reply really made my day. That helped me. Helping others doesn't have to be about writing ten paragraphs of solutions to a problem, sometimes it can be as small a thing as acknowledging that you read what someone wrote.

    Hope this helps you!
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  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Living and @cjm. You've both really helped me feeling a bit better :)

    Yes, I deleted that because I've posted so many negatives recently, I told myself I've got to start writing some positives or I'm just getting further stuck in self-defeating cycles. I am quite manic in my behaviour, writing a lot when I'm up and then nothing when I'm down, and I should try to find a more neutral and calm approach. That would do me a lot of good, and yes, start dropping in more on other peeps. I don't know what's happened to me recently.

    I've actually acheieved a lot over these last few weeks. I spent a week working with horses learning about horsemanship, it was challenging because I'm quite nervous around horses, but it was a powerful and sometime moving experience (a bit like horse whispering). I also managed to find myself a flat so I can finally move out of mum's. I'm also working hard. It's my emotions that always lag behind, the depression and anxiety wears me down and I get angry that I never seem to feel good. Everything has been accompanied by having lost my 'soulmate' and doing all these things alone, wondering what I'm doing and why. But I need more faith in the opportunities I cannot yet see, as life can be full of suprises. In fact D has offered me an opportunity and a gift to grow, if I can just learn to live with the loneliness from time to time.

    My anger is a real problem. I can take literally anything and turn it into a negative to attack myself with, so I am fully aware that CBT could be a much needed intervention at this time in my life. My counsellor who often works with the Enneagram personality types helped me understand I am a type 4, and it has overwhelmed me somewhat coming to terms with this, because I can relate with it so heavily, and type 4s are prone to self-pity, self-consciousness, fantasy, envy etc. It's very true of me, and I've been very suicidal processing all this stuff, as it all felt like too much seeing it so bleakly.

    I have to learn to intervene and stop the thoughts, no matter what, and not even enter into a dialogue with them, as my internal critic shows no mercy with me.

    I would like to volunteer when I'm settled in my new place, and maybe try to work more in nature when I'm not working.
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  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Today I’m feeling a little more motivated that I can get over social anxiety, somehow. I’m a smart enough guy (which sometimes acts to my disadvantage). There is no reason this should be a life sentence. Things can get better. Compassion and self-love is the way, that is the water, without which nothing can change or grow, no matter how much I try, or what activities, challenges and craziness I throw myself at or twat myself over the head with.

    Right now, I am excited by moving in on my own and all the things that may start to happen for me that I can’t yet see, a mystery and unopened letter I need to have faith in.
    Gil79 likes this.
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I have moved in permanently to my new place and there is a lot of work to do as the place is a bit grotty, but it has a lot of potential and is perfect for my power needs even though the neighbourhood is like a demilitarised zone (guess the movie quote ;-) . This is great for keeping me distracted and occupied, and thank God I don’t have any WiFi. I’m in no rush to get it!

    Many emotional ups and downs. I phoned a suicide clinic today as my depressions have been terrifying, although rationally I can see why I am experiencing such profound darknesses at the moment, with all the changes I am going through, moving into a new place alone, recently single, and it’s tough and lonely, but I will cope. The volunteer I spoke to was absolutely amazing. I am really glad I called. No shame in it at all.
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    In some way it definitely sounds like an adventure. Once you pull through you'll look back with pride that you made it.

    Depression is a terrible thing, I've been battling it a lot throughout my life and last year I had therapy for it, which helped greatly. The strange thing is that it was mostly talking, some exercises and just a hand full of pretty straightforward advice. The advice was mostly about staying social with people and having the rest in check (exercise, diet).

    Make sure you get the basics in order. It will make you feel better. So the basics IMO are a proper exercise regime (work out hard) and good healthy food. And make sure you sleep enough. This is something I've been experimenting more with lately and the extra sleep helps a lot. Both in energy and emotional stability.
    TheScriabin and Living like this.
  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Non-native vocab question: What are power needs?

    Good to hear you'll be living on your own. The grand escape!

    Good luck with that!
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  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I can imagine that going through so many changes all at once can be a total confrontation and at times make you feel completely lost. But like you said: you will cope with it. It might not always be easy, but I'm sure you can do this. I think @Thebeg gave some pretty solid advice. Making basic positive steps in my life on a daily or regular basis (like exercising, eating healthy, meditation) to me is one the best ways to handle my problems. They make me feel good about myself and contribute to my physical and mental health a lot. They give me regularity and confidence. Combined with more occasional positive steps like playing D&D or watching a football game with friends, getting stuff done around the house, reading, taking a walk or hike, donating to a charity I'm interested in, getting out of my comfort zone every now and then and ofcourse counting spiders is the best way for me to feel good and experience that odd moment of happiness every now and then.
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