Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Had first session today with counsellor. I got a really good vibe from him and it felt good to talk about some things. He works a lot with the inner-critic and developing compassion. He, partly jokingly, called me 'counter-phobic'! Feeling afraid of almost everyone and everything, I regularly overwhelm myself by throwing myself in the deep end and expecting too much. This flooding technique, while effective for some, generally doesn't work with social anxiety, or at least, not until the inner-critic has been silenced because it always reflects negatively afterwards, no matter what the accomplishment.

    Going paintballing tomorrow with friend and a bunch of strangers, so quite a challenge. I've never gone paintballing before as I basically stopped doing all competitive group sports when I was young and kids told me I was the worst tackler ever in football. So should be a challenge. I'm scared I'll be the one who accidentally shoots some poor sod in the eye or something.

    Have also booked 2 holidays, France and Greece... yes, I couldn't resist and we are meeting up again over my birthday :rolleyes: I know it won't help with getting her out of my system in the long run, but what the hell, I can't wait and we both agreed.

    Made a bucket list with a friend who also has social anxiety which has held them back from doing things they wanted. It was such fun to do and we realised we had similar things on our lists so can hopefully accompany and support each other provided we get our act together and make plans to do these things. Classic ones came up like skydiving and swimming with dolphins, but also living on a working ranch somewhere, learning to ride a horse.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2018
  2. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Do those things man! It's something I really envy about you guys, you have plans and ambitions and can do cool stuff. For me right now it's all about earning some money and feeding the baby, then hope to find some sleep ;) Guess you can't have it all.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Haha, well talking about doing these things is easy... it's doing them that scares the crap out of me! I'm only just learning, paying attention to how healthy people live their lives: work hard and play hard, is a new way of trying to live.

    You have many wonderful and precious moments to look forward to as your baby grows and you can start doing things together.
    Fry2 likes this.
  4. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Haha of course you're right, sometimes I simply long for that freedom and the possibilities. But as you pointed out doing that cool stuff is a different story
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Ashamed to post this because of the amazing insights I’m reading on other journals.

    But I fucked up big time. I forgot D’s birthday yesterday, and she was also annoyed I hadn’t made much effort to arrange accommodation or decide what to do for the trip, assuming she’d deal with it because she knows the country, islands and areas to stay and is already there. I was distracted obsessively trying to learn some of the language, excited about visiting, and I didn’t consider how I was leaning on her. So the trip to Greece is off and she doesn’t ever want anything to do with me again.

    CJM writes about the problem of dependency on girls without sorting out our own problems and taking some responsibility. I see the same mountain, but I don’t feel the determination or desire to conquer it anymore. I hate my life, my job, everything. I couldn’t resist the lure of happiness and pleasure to make all the pain go far, far away. But I’ve again lost somebody I cared about through behaving like a child and not being part of a team. I behave in the same way here, I feel. I have weeks of nothing ahead of me and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

    I totally respect her right to reject me to protect herself. I would reject me too. I see myself as the problem and others are always right to be upset with me. I’ve got absolutely nothing going for me, and no reason to defend myself.

    I don’t have a bone in my body that can look after me.

    So what are my feelings now? Disappointment that I’m not going to enjoy a holiday (selfish).
    Shame and guilt for forgetting her birthday (selfish).
    Depression/anger (selfish).

    Is there anything at all about her feelings? How she might be feeling? No. It’s all about me.
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2018
  6. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Ah mate I'm really sorry to read that. I can feel the pain in your post.

    I've also recently lost (another) person I cared about through behaving like a child. But it's not our fault that we are still damaged children.

    Don't know if this will make much sense to you, but instead of a mountain to climb, it's more like we are standing on top of a mountain of fear and dysfunction, and all we need to do is just find the willingness to jump off. Then we find we can actually fly.
  7. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Shit that sucks big time. But no need to abstain from your vacation! Or be depressed...

    I'd go to greece anyway. Book a last minute trip in an area that interests you, preferably not too far away from the girl. You can tell her you took care of things now and see if she's up for a meeting and if she is you make amends for forgetting her birthday. If not you can still enjoy a vacation in a new country.
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hold on a mo.... you only just got back together, and you guys weren't THAT serious from what i can tell? Then she moves back home to greece, fair enough. I presume you are quite a way from Greece? TBH did you really want to be in a long distance relationship? Afterall she decided to go back, and yeah its unfortunate that you forgot her birthday, but not the end of the world right? Also yes i do think girls like guys to take the lead with some planning sometimes but not the end of the world again right?

    I don't think its all down to you man, if she wants to blow the whole thing off just because of that then i say F*&k her, say your sorry you forgot, then try to forget about it an don't contact her again

    anyway I am sorry things didnt work out, I know how disappointing it is - I can relate to how you feel. Its a ruthless and harsh world out there in terms of dating, IMO. So perhaps try and be ruthless about it too - I think the best thing to be able to do sometimes is walk away like you mean it - maybe she will cool down and come to her senses in time

    anyway IMO. I know its easier said than done :)

    edit: also you sometimes people are not fully transparent, you never know what her true motivation for callings things off is...... Good luck
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2018
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I completely agree with CJM. Read his post again. These things can happen. Her response is quite immature and exaggerated. What the hell. You were willing to come to Greece to spend time with her. Not everyone is super attentive all the time. So what.

    I hope you can find a way to have a great holiday somewhere anyway. Just you and yourself. Even for just a week. Taking some time away from your daily life, your house, your job is really refreshing and always brings new perspective. Forget the girl. You'll find someone who really deserves you.
    cjm likes this.
  10. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hmm I thought they were off, and not in a relationship anymore, but they had occasional meetings and sex and fun and she proposed to come see her in Greece for some more fun in the vacation (?)
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    @TheScriabin you called her your GF earlier so presumed you got back together? Not sure
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    @Gilgamesh @cjm @Fry2

    Thanks for the support guys. I’ve portrayed a confusing situation over the weeks, hence you’re all right to an extent. We had got quite serious again before she left, so I really don’t think she was out of line expecting me to remember her birthday and make some effort with travel arrangements. I am totally disappointed with myself. I haven’t got the courage to do the holiday alone, and I don’t feel up to it now. It would feel too lonely. I find all that stuff difficult, one of the reasons I have a tendency to rely on others to sort out travel plans.

    I like the attitude, forget the girl and move on, it’s the right one and I now need to protect myself from further self-inflicted pain. But it is not easy, and I am full of regret. I will miss her like crazy. I am so angry with this mess.

    @Hello Penis My Old Friend Sorry to hear you have also lost somebody you cared about. Thanks also for your supportive message. I like your point about jumping off the mountain and trying to fly.
  13. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I'm really losing my mind my friends. I booked AirBnb in the city I was scheduled to fly to for a couple of days, after my bro expressed similar sentiments to @Fry2 that I should make the most of my money and take the flight anyway. But I'm feeling so upset. I don't think I can be in the city near the girl who doesn't want anything to do with me and said so. Walking the streets and seeing the sights that only days before we were planning to do together. I think I am killing myself. I am not feeling well and crying as I type this. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't even respond knowing I'm lost in the city somewhere. She is not sympathetic like previous girlfriends were to some of my self-confidence and anxiety issues, as she finds it much easier to blank me to deal with my own crap. She has a good sense of self-integrity in that way I must admit. 'You are not my responsibility or problem' was one of the last messages she sent.

    I think @cjm is right. Screw this damn woman. There are plenty of fish in the sea and my top priority is my own mental health and peace of mind. Also I find myself wondering what @Thebeg would do. I think you'd identify I've become rather dependant on one woman for validation, which weakens my position, irritates her, and I'm not thinking straight or putting my own needs first?

    Fuck this shit. How the hell I'm not relapsing I don't know.

    One final point, I appreciate the stuff with this girl has become a tad repetitive and tedious. I realise I've been having these issues for months. I will attempt to put the lid on it and hopefully a new chapter in my life can start. But thanks, guys, for having my back through the minefield. I simply have no experience with stronger character women. No wonder the sex was so damn good :rolleyes:
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2018
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  14. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Well maybe it's better it ends with a bang this way. Now there's only going forward for you. Sounds like forgetting her birthday was just the excuse she needed to end things.

    I read a lot of fantasizing about her in your posts. So try to reflect what about her was real, and what parts were simply the result of your imagination. I used to do this too in the past, it made me put her on a pedestal. Best example is E who I met in 2016 and who was the direct reason to start this particular journal. The more you live in the now (less thinking), the more you are letting go of stuff that wasn't real in the first place.

    In that sense, yes, it may be good to put yourself in a situation that will require your attention and focus. Least of all you want to isolate yourself and dwell in sorrow. You're an awesome dude who deserves so much more than self-loathing. Please don't put any blame on yourself.

    Travelling alone is scary indeed. So if you go, focus on doing stuff there and meeting new people. Don't think about what-ifs with your ex, but think about how to make things awesome for you; the most important person in your life. Find some touristic things to do, if possible in a group.

    Rejoice the fact that now you're free to develop into a better version of yourself that will enjoy the company of much better women. You're worth that. Maybe you disagree now due to the lovesickness hormones :) but night is darkest before dawn.

    Developing core masculine strengths is of vital importance in our development as men. So yes, that's why it was up to yourself to arrange the trip, not your ex. That's also the reason why you feel to attracted to her, because she has a trait that you find missing in yourself. I had exactly the same with E, she was so cool and awesome, I looked up to her strength. This is also exactly why she wasn't attracted to me. I lacked the masculine strength. After two years I can say I found most if not all of this strength in myself.

    So listen to your gut here, you will be alright. You'll get in as better place. It doesn't need to happen overnight, but any step out of comfort will add to it. In that sense an unexpected opportunity lies before you.
  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Well, I went to Greece, booked AirBnB and had a great time. More sex and nice times with D swimming in the sea. But that girl is difficult. I’ve always welcomed the challenge of a more difficult and direct woman as I’m sure the sex is better, and it absolutely was. In bed I feel like a man, but in everything else like an insecure child. No woman has ever made me quite so anxious and alive in equal doses. I’m beginning to understand why I’ve always picked ‘safe’ girls before. D has hundreds of friends, is confident around both sexes equally, I’ve been ‘triggered’ constantly by her and I couldn’t figure out if I was being courageous and mature or just torturing myself.

    Getting close to life can occasionally burn us, but we need to develop a thicker skin.

    Phew. :oops: Time to move on.
  16. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    So what's happening? She's in Greece and it's ended for good now?
  17. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I’ve no idea! But I think I need to start looking for somebody else for my own sanity. :D
  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I need to address my tendency to:

    Over-analyse/self-obsess. I have unwittingly developed this problem through my attempts to understand myself over the years, but it has lead to considerable introspective naval gazing.

    These next months I need to develop the attitude of do more/think less.

    So today I’ve booked a horse riding lesson. One of my bucket list things but something I was always very nervous to do. That will be good, some fear to focus my mind.

    Sometimes the solution is worse than the problem.” - Pet Shop Boys
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Horse riding was run. I think that is something I want to do more of. The teacher was really cool. My friend came with me to watch and took some pics, but she didn’t ride. The horse was so sensitive to the subtlest of signals from me.

    Today I feel very empty and sad though. I am trying to keep my mind off D, but am missing her a lot.

    The big decisions of my life at the moment feel overwhelming. There is a big, crazy world out there and I just don’t feel part of it. D said the world is out there, it is not in the bedroom. She is right.
    cjm likes this.
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Things are going ok for me. I purposefully took a break from these boards as I needed to start getting out there and dealing with some shit.

    I have been having dancing lessons, riding horses, I went to Nice with my friend for 2 days and we had a good time. Chatting, drinking, swimming in the sea, appreciating the beautiful women (and shit they are everywhere). I think he appreciated it too as he'd been a bit down lately himself. He did comment that he felt there were 3 of us on the holiday: him, me and D who I kept thinking about. But I appreciated him telling me to get out of my head and enjoy being present, something we both have to work on.

    I realise what happened with D. Lost myself in that one. Became too much of a little boy. I gotta move on. I know she is, I have to as well. Actually, I welcome this opportunity, it is a positive thing to lose, because it is very clear to me that I make more progress with overcoming social anxiety the times I have been single, because I focus more on myself, and that is the most important goal and journey of my life at the moment. Making steps with this will create more beautiful opportunies than a relationship could bring. That sounds corny, maybe like I kidding myself, but I'm beginning to believe it is so. I was addicted to D because it was so exciting, but she was never that supportive of my anxiety issues and in all honesty I was never really able to be fully myself around her, except in the bedroom. But I need somebody able to see me in everything. There was a lot of mutual fantasising taking place.

    I learned yesterday a good friend of mine commited suicide. I was really shaken by this. He was only 32. He had tried so hard to sort himself out. A beautiful, courageous person. I find it difficult when people judge suicide, although I do understand the anger people feel at a person having given up and not believed in themselves, or trusted life and people to help them. But I can relate with feeling that way as I have been there myself. I will use his life to propel myself forward in the way he would have liked me to. I hope you are at peace now my dear friend. I wish I had been there for you more.

    Today I helped my buddy with his personal trainer assessment. He needed a 'virtual client' and I was the guy being filmed for the video of him showing me all the equipment and giving me basic training. I really enjoyed it, and it has given me an extra boost to get down to the gym more often.
    Last edited: Aug 28, 2018

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