Journal to the Centre of the Self

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by TheScriabin, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    @Thebeg Awesome!! You’re so manly dude I’m starting to fancy you. :D

    I’m gonna print that off and stick it on my wall.
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  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    “You get back what you put in” - I’ve realised this is only half true. Nice guys often let others take what they put in and reap the rewards.

    Like a cuckoo who steals the nest of another bird, kicks out the chicks and takes the food for himself.

    This has got to stop. Fuck cuckoos, they are piece of shit birds. :mad:
    cjm likes this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Relapsed at 14 days, one of those days where nothing seemed to help. Went running, did errands, bought some tennis shoes, a new football, did some sunbathing, but it’s ultimately been one of those lonely ‘meh’ days that can be fatal. Doing things for oneself feels kind of pointless to me as there is no external validation from it, something I’m hopelessly dependent on at times.

    Had a body-conscious wank at first to quash urges; no fantasy just focusing on sensations in my body, and it was nice, but then an hour letter went on the tube sites and came very quickly. So at least no edging and binging, but still feel disappointed. The difference between the 2 experiences is noticeable. The fantasy-free wank doesn’t leave me with the adrenaline shakes afterwards, which is surely the after effects of the dopamine rush from p use.

    Greek girl has gone silent (maybe for good this time) and has not been communicating, so I’ve not found myself with a woman any time last week either, and ultra confident bloke at work yesterday made me feel passive, meek and invisible around the ladies and I think I felt jealous and angry.
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2018
  4. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Do you think this had anything to do with the relapse?
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Yes I do, amongst other things that have pulled me down a bit over the last few days. I somehow have to learn to accept I am just not like that, but it is difficult in a situation like that where the alpha’s charisma dominates. I’m never going to be a super confident male, if I’m realistic, and if I’m not confident that can kill my motivation to quit p. I need to rethink this. It’s not about becoming super confident, it’s about becoming a better man more able to identify his needs.
    Last edited: Jun 29, 2018
  6. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    Quiting P is not a question of motivation or self-confidence only. It's, IMO, a complex combination of different things. But I don't worry for you. As long as you do want to get rid of P, and make efforts, even the slightest for that, you're improving. With our experiences we learn about ourselves. We learn what are our triggers, how addiction works. How we react to stress, loneliness, pressure, anger, shame etc.. We try and do our best not to be too hard on ourselves after a relapse because we do know that it'll only make the situation and self-esteem worse. We're far from perfect and we don't aim perfection. Even small victories count. Each day without P is a victory. Each well managed urge is a victory. Each good action is a victory. And with all those little victories you'll for sure become a better man, and self-confidence will come by itself and increase and you may not even notice it at first. Keep going on Scriabin, you've already become a better man.
  7. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Kindly consider meditating about the usefulness of alpha/beta, nice guy/bad guy, meek/dominating paradigms for the complicated, ever in flux, wonderful, messy experience that is your life.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the encouragement @Outsider. ”I don’t worry for you.” that really helped me feel stronger and recognise my progress.

    @dark red drifter vessel, I will, absolutely, that is something I have been thinking about. And related to that, this video reminds me to remember to laugh about it all from time to time too:

    Last edited: Jun 30, 2018
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Nice long weekend staying with brother helping him do up his new house. Installing sound insulation, a bit of plastering and painting etc. Also we got a tennis game in, and was first time I spoke about p use and we shared a lot. He said he’d also used loads over the years and sometimes tries to cut back. These conversations don’t seem to resolve anything for me (talking doesn’t take away my personal pain, that’s somehow up to me to learn to accept within myself) but I am grateful that we can talk in this way now we’re older.

    Wishing everybody a pmo free week.
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2018
  10. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Correct analysis. It's your job patching that hull damage, no one else can do what's ours to do.

    But that's great news, you talking to your brother about your stuff and actually finding common stuff (and be it common problems). Congrats, man!
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  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Took a step to contact a counsellor, and importantly for me I think, a male one. It wasn’t easy to track one down locally as internet search just brought up countless female therapists.

    I got a girl’s number last night. She seems very nice. South Korean but lived over here for a while. Is into music, so conversation is easy. Maybe she can keep me warm at night when the Greek girl flies home. I fancy a summer romance.

    I need some assistance. I've really pushed myself to socialise in the last year, determined to combat social anxiety because I will never defeat porn without overcoming fears of social situations. Activites with other people are essential. But many of my efforts have left me feeling worse about myself as I feel like a child, or nervous teenager, with nothing to contribute; inhibited, blocked, afraid etc.
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2018
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  12. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you made some nice steps forward TheScriabin. Don't judge yourself too much about not being at the point where you want to be, it's always a road consisting of small steps.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  13. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I can relate to this. I wrote in my paper journal just the other day that when it came to romantic possibilities, I could see them but it was as if there were a plate of glass between me and them, stopping me from reaching out and touching them. A bit like watching animals in a zoo, maybe. It was also true of other social interactions.

    Have you thought of some kind of partner dancing? Yes, I'm aware I recommend this to everyone, but it had a massively positive impact on my life. The first time I thought a life without P was possible was after I got into dancing and my social circle expanded. It's actually really good for introverts as there is no pressure to converse, you just need to be ready to put in a few months to learn enough so that you don't totally suck. The beginning stage takes perseverance.
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  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    @Thebeg and @Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Thanks guys for the support! I’m definitely making progress, but it’s a whole new way of trying to look at myself and the world. Overwhelming sometimes, the weirdest thing is feeling ‘fake’ as I’m trying to be different, but surely it is not fakery, it is my withdrawn and inhibited self that is the fake one!! Nobody is like that in their true nature, it is only pain and fear that makes us like that.

    There are definitely more roses appearing amongst the weeds.

    I got another girl’s number, a gorgeous Australian/Vietnamese girl. Hands down the most beautiful woman I’ve ever got a number from. She’s returning my messages. But I have to play my cards carefully with her, she’s smart and cultured, and I’m just a lowly musician/professional masturbator.:D Maybe a smart girl likes a bit of rough!

    But then yesterday I spent all day having the best sex of my life with Greek girl. She’s leaving for 2 months at end of week so we’ve got very passionate recently leading up to her departure. The more I took control and pushed her gently toward dirtier and dirtier things, the more she loved it. With a lot of laughter and jokes along the way, it’s amazing what you can end up doing to each other ;-)

    So a bit confused about life purpose/direction/focus etc. But I think I need this right now. Girls are so great they leave me unmotivated for other things!!

    I mentioned that thing thebeg said about different guys - providers vs. sex guys, and gf challenged it (this is one of the things I love about her). She said, ‘But you’re already a sex guy! You just need to sort the other stuff in your life out. No reason a man can’t be both.’
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  15. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I cannot live with my emotions anymore.

    I am tired.
  16. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Bit surprised to read that after all your recent progess, sucesses and great experiences with Greekgirl best sex od your life) and getting the numbers of other super attractive girl.. what happened??

    Remember fate does not give us challenges in life we're not on some level equipped and supposed to master (eventually).

    All the best and whatever happended: postive thoughts man! :)
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
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  17. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Active Member

    Ho. Last time I read "I am tired" in a comparable context?

    Red marker pen on the wall of my little brothers room my. Place was a mess. Shit lying around everywhere.
    Had looked like shit oftenly when I was living there, years and years before. But this time around it had
    ashtrays full of cigarettes and joints, and more of the empty capsules people buy cocaine in than I'd care to count.
    And beer bottles, empty. And dreams, empty. A life, empty.

    Guy was close to burn out, like a roman candle, before even turning twenty. Had become a black hole sucking in every effort we around
    him could muster, or he, for that matter - and a metric shit ton of money. Mum, a fighter, a battle ship, a fortress, was about to burn out
    right next to him. Shit was dark, even to me, and I had had my unfair share of personal apocalypses then. (And yeah, a plural of apocalypse is a misnomer really, I know I know.)

    So I stood there in this room, read I am tired written on the wall like some kind of personal portent of doom, a menetekel.
    I could sympathize. Looked like a spot to be tired in. The place was screaming at you, all the neglect, all of the sorry remnants of
    a steep, shooting star drug career. Of a collision course. I could sympathize, I had lived in places not too different, and in despair as big as well.
    Somehow got out. Flailing, crawling, knee deep in insanity, then fall down, drown in it. Be mad. Stay mad. Live like that, fight like that.

    I somehow had gotten out of that, and now I was standing in my brothers room and looked at his despair.
    And there's really little you can do, when you read that I am tired. Except for saying: Yes, been there. Know that place, remember how it feels.

    Few weeks later mum snapped and dragged my brother through all of the hospitals, until one had an open spot. He then spend the better part of three years in inpatient therapy. Took a lot of time,
    and, from what I gather, a lot of work, left town, most likely indefinetely, but he got out of his addiction.

    So here's what I can say: There is a way out. No matter what. Might not seem realistic. Might not be what you want to do,
    but there are ways out of that shit. Others have been there, others got out.

    If you're feeling your mood is in free fall, please consider going to a therapist asap. Or an inpatient clinic.
    Maybe this is a misread, but I get the impression you might be depressed, in a clinical sense. Not a condition one can afford to leave untreated.
    People can die from that shit, do not underestimate it.

    You've proven to be able to learn and reflect. You can get through this, even if
    you feel like shit and nothing seems to change. But please take good care of yourself
    on your way there. There's a lot to be learned from a crisis. No need to hurry. Take your time.

    Gee, you triggered me a bit. Time to get down from my soapbox. :D
    I'm a stop myself from ranting on here, guess you got the gist of it.
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
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  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks @Fry2 and @dark red drifter vessel

    It's not fair of me that I write that with no more information. Just to say I'll try to write more when my head is in a better place. Just cannot collect any thoughts now.

    Maybe my brain wants to quit and my feelings want to be heard, and it hurts like hell. But I'd welcome that brain to die if I might live!

    So for now, love and peace to you guys.
  19. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    It's just emotions. They can't hurt you and the will change over time.
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    My girl moved back permanently to Greece last Saturday, so I’m in a bit of a mess emotionally. Has sent depression and anxiety into overdrive, so I just need to do my best to relax and let my emotions do what they have to do. I must be crazy to expect to deal with social anxiety and all my other problems when I feel like this, but that is my ingrained behaviour. I never allow myself the opportunity to just feel down and accept it. It is not a weakness to feel like shit. I think my future will be bleak if I don’t somehow learn to be kinder to myself.

    @dark red drifter vessel your words do not go unheeded. I have appointment with potential therapist on Friday.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2018
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