Journal to not forget

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by AyyLMAO, May 8, 2017.

  1. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    Long time since my last post, so I will try to write about what happened in my life during that period.

    Long story short - I fucked up lately.
    I relapsed probably around day 70 or so and Im again pmoing for about a week right now. I decided to go back to forum, post about it all and get back on the horse of no pmo again. Few not the best things added up in my life, I broke and got back to porn looking for a relief.

    As I wrote previously I was taking an internship in new field and basically I had to learn everything from scratch, so I dedicated myself and work hard to learn as much as I could. Month passed, I recived really good opinions from coworkers, my team leader gave opinion about me as "guy who works hard, learns fast and is worth of giving him a chance". I was proud of myself and pretty sure that I will be hired but as it often happens reality hit me hard and the only thing they offered me was another month of unpaid internship... Official reason for that decision was that Im not fully ready to work yet but I got along really good with one guy there and he told me that simply real reason was that company doesn't have many clients during holidays period and there's no need for new workers right now. All of that would be ok for me, but what pissed me of enormously was fact that at the beginning when I was talking with people from HR, they conviced me that if only I will work hard for that month I will be easily hired because there is shortage of people at that particular position. And whats more fucked up one of them was person who I know and she was the one who encouraged me the most promising that I will be hired without any problems - thats why I decided to take that internship. Right now Im back to ground zero - without money, unemployed and looking for a job.

    Since its holidays there's a lot of parties and I was going out with my friends on the weekends trying to pick up some girls. I even had few good ocasions but fucked it up badly and nothing happen from it which also frustrated me a lot. During that period I was moing from time to time, but last weekend I came home from party drunk, horny, frustrated as fuck about work(it was the day after I recived info about not being hired) also frustrated because of bad night out and my life in general. I just said fuck it and pmo'ed. Since then I was pmoing for about a week once or twice daily.
    To be honest I dont even feel that bad about it right now. I dont have that much of bad symptoms from it, but something tells me that its just a slippery slope and its ok for now, but if I will not stop I will wake up someday at rock bottom shocked when it all happend. Thats why Im here again.

    Today is day 1 of new streak

    @deadofwinter
    Hey man,
    Thanks for kind words but I fucked it all up and as Ive seen in your journal we both start again from scratch :/
    But we will do it :cool:
     
  2. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    Hi, sorry to hear you relapsed. But like you say just get back on the horse. Just keep trying to improve your life. Ok the internship didn't work out, take the other month if you think that's a good decision if not look for an other chance. It's true that you have to make smart decisions but more important is to keep working hard even if you have setbacks. You always learn stuff in the proces even if it doesn't work out the way you hoped. Look at it like this: who is going to be further ahead in life 1) the guy who gave up, just said fuck it, played videogames or start partying too much, smokes weed all day or maybe PMO's all day or whatever useless stuff you don't learn anything from vs 2) the guy who keeps working hard, fails regardless but learns skills along the way? some of them skills may be usefull in the future others less but even from the less usefull skills some knowledge is transferable to other fields. (Even just learning how to learn faster/more thorough is a skill you develop). You'll be a lot more valuable to a future employer, people around you and yourself than if you just gave up.

    I've been having crazy urges as well. and I don't have any setbacks(although a lot more stress because of a new job) so I do get the struggle. I hope I don't relapse. The thing with porn is: It's a huge waste of time, it drains your energy to do other usefull stuff, it drains your energy (and even your ability to keep an erection) for meeting girls. So it keeps your from improving your life and reaching your goals, just like every addiction does. So don't care about the relapse too much just get back at making your life what you want it to be.

    good luck!
     
  3. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    Sounds frustrating indeed. I probably would've done the same. That's the problem man, reality gets hard and we flee from it (in a small way, but a destructive way when we indulge further).

    I guess it's important not to expect too much when you're going out because if you end up alone in bed, you might feel disappointed. Go out to have fun and whatever happens happens. (this is, of course, perfect world thinking, but I think we should at least try)

    Okay, tbh I don't have a lot of advice because I feel like you'll be rolling your eyes when I state such obvious things, haha. You know what to do, just as I do. I'm glad we're fighting this at the same time again! good luck mate.
     
  4. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    That sucks to hear man.
    At least you've been taking action and getting out of the house.
     
  5. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    2nd day - a bit of chaser effect, but nothing unbearable. In terms of no pmo its quite easy right now. I have pretty good meditation sessions lately and it helps.

    (Brace yourself - shameless bitching incoming) What concerns me the most is fact that I have no fucking clue what to do with my life. I mean I did that internship as software tester for a month and it was ok, I did pretty well there. People who worked with me were impressed that I work hard etc. etc. but all of it was so meaningless... Im going through job offers now but all of them seem so dull and pointless. Jobs in my field of study dont only seem pointless but even disguisting. I know Im totally bitching here but fuck... I want to do something worthwhile but Im stuck not knowing what would it be. I don't know if somethings wrong with me and Im overreacting it but Im stuck and dont know what to do...
    It sucks to be stuck. I need to sort it out...

    @hopeforchange
    Hey dude. Nope, Ive decided not to take another month because I can't live another month without any money and what's more important I don't want to work with people who simply lied to me. It's harder that way but it's already rough so who cares? ;d But it's great to see that at least you're on right track, congratz on almost 60 days man :D

    @deadofwinter
    Yeah cliches are obvious and can be annoying but they are simply true, so I like to be reminded of them from time to time. Its cool to go at the same time again, thanks and good luck to you too :D

    @Catharsis
    Yup it sucks man, but it doesn't matter now, I need to focus on the future.

    @all
    I'll try to get up to date with your journals in spare time ;)
     
  6. Lakaf

    Lakaf Active Member

    Lets See Who Gets The Highest Streak I Challenge You.
     

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