Journal to not forget

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by AyyLMAO, May 8, 2017.

  1. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 32nd day
    meditation - 15th day

    In terms of pmo this day was pretty easy but Im torn because of not knowing what to do about being jobless (I may be overreacting but thats how Im feeling right now).
    Ive got that offer to get 2month practice withing pretty good company but its unpaid and I need to let them know about my decision tomorrow till midday. Also tomorrow Ive got another job interview but for a practice not related at all to my field of study. Im losing hope for finding a real job right now and Im thinking about taking that unpaid practice. I mean Im looking for a job for almost 4months now without any result so I think thats a time to let go of being so proud and go for practice once again... Damn, it fucking sucks to go through practice or apprenticeship(whatever you want to call it) few moths for free and be a struggling poorfag for so long. And whats the worst I dont have any assurance to be hired afterwards even if I will do exceptionally well... I know Im bitching and complaining but thats what I hate about place I live in. It sucks when it comes to work.

    I have no idea what to do. It will have big impact on at least few months of my life and even could impact it whole. Its not easy to make decisions like this one.

    @HowToKapow

    Thanks man :D yeah the purpose of writing a journal was to not forget that threat with porn is real all the time so I guess its working so far ;) and I mean it, last time I was writing my journal I realapsed some time after decision to not post anymore. The habit of posting few words every evening helps me stay away from relapsing really well. Also simple act of writing helps me clarify my thoughts so Im not giving up on that any time soon.
     
  2. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 33rd day
    meditation - 16th day

    Another easy day when it comes to no pmo because I was busy since dusk till dawn. I went for another job interview in big company (position of software tester) and I wouds say that it went really good. They called me back the same day saying that I can start one month practice and then I will be hired if I do well at practice.
    Funny thing is that whole interview took almost two hours. So one hour passed, I answered technical guy questions and he left. I talked about my education and all of that stuff. The last part was designed to test my english skills so the girl from HR asked me to tell something about my hobbies. I started to say some general things about psychology and that Im intrested in it. She was intrigued and started asking me more questions about a topic and we ended just chatting about psychology in english for like an hour :D

    But the problem is that this position is totally outside my field of study (Ive got degree in mechanical engineering) and I have no idea if I want to ditch it all and became software tester out of fucking nowhere or drop that offer and keep searching further. Ive got this weekend to make up my mind about it...
     
  3. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 34th day
    meditation - 17th day

    Today I feel like Im getting more horny again and pmoing is crossing my mind for biref moments throughout a day. Its only like a second or so but Im trying not to let it take over control. Good thing is that was occupied for most of the day so it was easier.

    Im pretty chill overall but necessity of making decision about taking that practice is messing with me. Im starting to tilt in direction of software tester but still not sure if its for me.
     
  4. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 35th day
    meditation - 18th day

    Another day and nothing much to report today. Im getting hornier and its not so easy to resist urges but Im not falling for it. Its weird that after more than a month where urges for porn were quite rare they came back even stronger just in time when Im starting to think that Im leaving porn behind.

    Also Im slacking off with finishing self authoring program which annoys me but most of the day Im busy and later its hard to push myself to do it.
     
  5. Emilian

    Emilian New Member

    Don't get discuraged, I remember when i had 80 days streak i was feeling great , more confident, when i was seeing a beautiful girl they had like some glow attached haha, besides that i was more interested in myself. Now im to lazy to do anything besides working and smokeing weed. So keep pushing that line and don,t slip , you will feel awful. Good luck
     
  6. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 36th day
    meditation - 19th day

    As I wrote yesterday its getting tougher at the time. I feel awful today, not motivated to do anything and I wasted most of the time watching youtube which feels pathetic right now. But Im not letting it affect my progress and Im not breaking any of my rules.

    @Emilian
    Hey man, thanks for support. Yeah I think that feeling low is not only because of ditching porn but its just normal part of life. Felling bad is not so bad after all.
    I watched this video today and he just made point about suffering and I agree with him:
     
  7. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    I really recommend blocking youtube/facebook/reddit entirely.
    You won't miss them at all.

    At the moment I block youtube/facebook 6 days a week. Sundays after 2:00pm it's allowed.
    For Facebook the "Kill newsfeed" extension is money. Zero urge to spend time on facebook anymore. I just logon and see if there are any events/messages then log off.
     
  8. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    Hey dude, thanks for stoping by. I dont have any problems with facebook(I use it mostly for communication with people) or reddit(I dont use it at all). My only problem is youtube. Its tough to block it entirely because I use it to learn - I watch lots lectures and its not that bad source of knowledge if you find right chanels. I also listen to music with yt. Problem emerges when I have to much time on my hands and just waste it watching some dumb shit all day. Dont really know how to deal with it but I assume that when I will find a job it will not be a problem anymore because I will not have time to waste.

    @Edit
    I almost forgot about day summary :D

    no PMO - 37th day
    meditation - 20th day

    Spent whole day working to make some money, tommorow will probably be the same. Im exhausted but feel really good. I noticed weird thing about me working a lot. Everytime when I come home exhausted after some rough physical work(which is only a way to make some money) Ive got thoughts in my mind that I could spend day in more productive way to go to bed smarter or get better at some skill but at the same time I feel really good just being tired from working.
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2017
  9. Catharsis

    Catharsis Member

    I've had issues with that as well.
    I want to watch a video I download it and watch it. Stops me from getting into the eternal suggested video loop.

    If you don't want to do that, maybe you could try streaming it from vlc or something.
     
  10. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 38th day
    meditation - 21st day

    Quick update because I didnt post yeasterday. Basically I worked whole day and was tired in the evening so I just went to bed early. Urges are striking harder but Ive got them under control so far.
    Ive got weird meditation session that day. I did it right before the sleep. Decision of choosing my career path is really rough for me and while I was meditating I suddenly felt annoyed like never before in my life. It was so strong that I could stay in one place and then I became furious like a madman. I dont really know what happend but it was definitely something :confused:

    I think I will just leave it be for now. Ive got some work scheduled for upcoming two weeks so there will not be much time for youtube. I will rethink that after starting real job when I will be able to decide if its still bothering me or not and then straming may come handy.
     
  11. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 39th day
    meditation - 22nd day

    Another day completed and Ive got some "big" news today - Ive decided to try software tester career. Im starting in something like two weeks and time will show if its for me. Ive talked to few buddys from my college about working in my field of study and its basically pile of shit you need to get through to get decent job. I live in area which has a lot of really big engineering companies but at the same time there is a ton of people with degree like mine here so its not worth that much right now. Few of my friends had to work as an unpaid intern for like 6 months to barely get hired so I decided to fuck it and go for something else. We will see after some time if I chosed correctly.

    About other stuff - I worked with my father a bit, did some daily chores and was chilling and talking to a lot of friends so its all good. Also I had some big urges today so I decided to fap just to get some relief.
     
  12. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 40th, 41st day
    meditation - 23rd, 24th day

    Another delayed post. Ive spent last two days on a small trip and had a lot of fun. Good thing I was away because urges are really strong right now. The day I came back it was really tempting me for pmo which I resisted and later Ive had a lot of porn related dreams. I was searching for porn in these dreams and browsing it but I managed to stop even in a dream which I take for a good sign. But Im also worried a bit that Im dreaming of porn after more than a month of being clean.
    I think that it may be related to me being underslept and having hangover. Often when Im not feeling well like that my mind drifts to porn.

    Some positive stuff Im doing - I downloaded tool to track and manage my finances. Ive set it up and will try to track my spending to help myself not to waste money.
     
  13. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 42nd day
    meditation - 25th day

    Urges are still strong with me. I dont know if Im horny or just not feeling good and want a relief from porn. Either way Im not going for pmo.
    I dont feel like writing today so thats got to do for today.

    Cheers.
     
  14. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 43rd day
    meditation - 26th day - 2nd milestone - second program finished

    Today is sunday. I spent big part of it procrastinating and a lot of time with my friends. Now I need to do some planning for this week and go to sleep because I work tomorrow at 6 o'clock.
    Also good thing is that Im making progress with my meditation, I finished second headspace program and feel good about it.
    Bad thing is that I feel like such a poorfag... I met with my old friends which was nice and fun but also a bit depressing. All of my friends started careers, are buying cars, planning weddings etc. they are simply progressing through life and I just dont have shit right now. It sucks, but it is what it is and I just need to look at myself and my own progress. Nonetheless its not easy when youre poor as fck and all of your friends are managing their lifes well.
     
  15. hopeforchange

    hopeforchange Member

    I know what you mean, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I have to make the decision if I want to go back to school to study something I like more or if keep the job I have and safe up money for a place of my own etc. If I go back to school I'll have to go back to my parents while all my friends are moving up in life (making careers, their own place, steady relationship,...)

    But I try to think about it this way: What would my decision/my actions be if I had nobody to compare myself to?

    I guess we all have to follow our own paths. As long as we are working to improve our life, it will all be fine in the end.

    or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better haha
     
  16. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 50th day
    meditation - 33rd day

    I broke two rules this week. One would be not posting everyday and second fapping twice this week. Ive got some reason why it happened so I just take it as a lesson. Ive worked monday through saturday 12-16 hours everyday which was exhausting to say the least and thats why I didnt post. All I wanted was to just eat and sleep after coming home from work but it paid off because I made in a week amount of money that people make for a month here, so i consider that it was worth it.
    Im not sure why but I was horny as hell throughout this whole time and urges were striking hard on me, especially when I was really tired and sore after working. Thats why I decided to brake my 1week 1fap rule, just to not give in back to porn and it worked so its good too. Also meditation helps a lot and Im getting better with it I think.
    Tommorow Im starting my practice as software tester and we will see how it will go. The closer it is the more concerns I have but theres only one way to find out.

    @hopeforchange
    Yeah its not easy man. Im trying to find some middle ground for that problem. As long as I make my own decisions how to live and they work Im happy with that but at the same time I try to take what my friends are doing, learn from it and apply to my own life if I find it useful.
     
  17. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    no PMO - 51st, 52nd day
    meditation - 34th, 35th day

    I need to change posting every day to posting at least once a week. I've started my practice and dont have much time right now. I need to learn a lot, find flat to rent and complete documentation needed for my practice.
    So far so good and I cant complain right now but I can see that theres ton of work ahead of me to become software tester, it will be rough month full of learning so I decided to ditch daily posting to spare some time. People at work are cool and friendly so thats nice. Sorry for writing really chaotic but thats how I think right now, I need to do a lot of stuff :D
    Upside is that I will not have much time to think about porn, downside is that I will not have much time for social life but Im finally moving out from home to city so it should be easier.

    Cheers!
     
  18. no94

    no94 All or nothing.

    Hey man, congrats for finding that practice and congrats on your progress.

    How did you manage to get past a week of no PMO? How do you stay clean? I'm not able to do it :(
     
  19. AyyLMAO

    AyyLMAO Member

    No PMO - around 65 days
    Meditation - around 50 days

    Hey everyone,

    I havent been posting for about 2 weeks now. Im busy with my practice and life in general so thats why Im not posting regularly.

    Heres quick sum up of what was going on lately for me:
    Im still going strong with no pmo stuff but its not that easy. Ive got my low days from time to time and was thinking about giving up but thats not going to happen.
    I still dont have any gf and thats the roughest part for me right now. Ive been close lately to having sex but fucked it up miserably (it was funny and painful at the same time). I realized that I suck with girls more than I thought.
    About my practice - it is going pretty well. My superior is happy with my progress and work ethic so its all good. Hopefully I will get a job contract in two weeks.
    About my life - I dont have much time right now because Im learning after working hours for my practice, but Im living with 3 off my friends so its nice and fun (but it also has downsides). I also started to workout more frequently. Lately Ive missed few days of mediation but still doing it everyday (its not easy with at least four people at my flat all the time).

    @no94
    Hey man thanks for kimd words. Getting through first week its all about basics.
    1. Ask yourself what pmo does to your life and why you want to drop it? Do you really want it?
    2. Make decision not that you will drop porn but that you already did.
    3. Plan in advance what you will do when urges will come (how you will distract yourself or mindfully not act out the urge) then when it strikes you just simply follow your plan.
    4. Get busy as much as you can - work, school, friends, hobbys, sport, reading etc.
    5. Be strong. No matter how busy you will get there will be the time when you'll be left alone just with that urge and you will need to not act it out. Its easier to endure when you do some writing exercises about how pmo affects your life (I posted about them somwhere, I'll try to find it and link here). You just simply need strong answer for why not to do it and it can be managed.
    That I think would be my quickly written guide.

    @Edit
    If you want to check these writing exercises go through this thread. Its somwere inside:
    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/...-kick-this-addiction.35013/page-3#post-643979
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2017
  20. deadofwinter

    deadofwinter Active Member

    I'm so happy for you man :) 65 days is unbelievable!
    Came back from vacation a few days ago and was hoping to see you going strong here.

    anyway, ttyl!
    DoW
     

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