Journal to beat this addiction

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Saq, May 14, 2020.

  1. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Hi
    I thought I would create a journal to make me accountable for each day of my recovery. I have seen other people doing similar things and I have found it inspirational in reading peoples stories and commenting on there post.

    So I thought why not create my own journal and log each day of my addiction recovery and if anyone wants to comment and come with me on this journey please DO as I would love to get to know more people and recover from this awful addiction together.
     
  2. Saq

    Saq New Member

    I am 25 and live in the UK and "I AM A PMO ADDICT"

    Between the age of age of 12 - 15 I started get aroused sexually by women more than usual looking back now, but then I thought it was normal. Very quickly I started having thoughts of kissing and having sex with women at the age of 15 more and more and then eventually I started watching porn related video (soft porn) which as the years progressed when to full blown porn and certain fetishes.

    I would say I been watching porn for 10years now and I have tried to stop but I lasted maybe 3-4days and then would get tempted very quickly and think F**K it I will start my recovery tmrw which didn't happen.

    However I now understand the harms this is doing to me in my life and I need to get myself sorted

    Plus I just recently got engaged and planning on getting married in a couple of years so this is extra motivation for me as I have a beautiful wife to be waiting in the future and I want to make her happy and have a good sexual relationship with her like I guess any man would.

    I like to think at my age I still have time to recover from this

    So far 7 days clean and long may it continue

    God Bless You All
     
    Lan and -Luke- like this.
  3. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Day 7 Complete

    Today has been a good day probably 6/10 however did get some urges in the evening when I popped the TV on

    I started my day watching some PornReboot videos and reading some threads on this forum and trying to increase my motivation and get me psyched up for the upcoming day.

    When I was on my own I did have some thoughts coming into my mind but I thought about something else and they eventually went and I got on with my day/task.
    However this does not happen all the time as previously I am craving so much that even thinking about positive thoughts isn't enough so this is challenge for me and will continue to be.

    Sometimes I just get an urge to fish around the internet and watch videos and look at pictures that I think will cause no harm (e.g. music video or pic of actress) and then suddenly I will be craving all that day. This is my biggest worry and one I need to stop for sure.

    In the evening I was watching tv and a women came on screen looking very appealing and suddenly my mind started wondering and I had some urges which I overcame eventually.

    But I completed the day successfully and I am one more day closer to my PMO FREE life

    Hope everyone else is doing fine and pushing through

    God Bless
     
  4. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Day 8 Complete

    I had an awful sleep, just couldn't get to sleep and was very agitated but I guess these are part of the withdrawal symptoms when recovering from PMO.
    This time when I cant sleep for a few hours because I am not doing anything my mind just starts wondering and YES it starts wondering towards PMO and on some days it is easy to get rid of these thoughts and on other days its not at all.

    However I am hoping as my recovery continues and I stay PMO free these symptoms will ease

    Did some standard daily tasks - nothing really interesting and got through the day fine

    Did once again have some urges but nothing came about from them. Sometimes I just think shall I quickly just check a video out or look at the girls profile and I think that wont harm me. However I have relapsed several times before and it always begins like this - viewing some pictures/videos - spending hours on watching music videos and other content which will include sexual content and then suddenly I will be watching porn :( and back to my bad habits.

    For me personally this is my biggest challenge and if anyone in this community has any advice regarding this I would be grateful

    But I completed the day successfully and I am one more day closer to my PMO FREE life

    Hope everyone else is doing fine and pushing through

    God Bless
     
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That's how most relapses start. More often than not it starts with something seemingly trivial but we add a few little steps until it's too late. The things is to stop yourself before step 1 (the music videos etc.) but that's easier said than done. Do you life with your girlfriend/fiancée? If so you could make it a rule to only browse the internet when she's around.
     
  6. Saq

    Saq New Member

    I RELAPSED :(:(

    As the title suggest I relapsed - YES relapsed - and writing this now sitting here I am feeling like shit. Its been a few hours since I relapsed, at the time after PMO i felt so much guilt and anger with myself as I had been 9 days PMO free.

    I woke up feeling okay no real high cravings nothing unusual but fell into that classic trap of looking at something I shouldn't have and next minute I have relapsed. I felt so bad and thought all my work has been for nothing and even sitting here now I still feel like that but not as much as before. I am trying to take the positive's from my experience and try to stay away from these triggers.

    I think these triggers are heightens even more while we are in lockdown as usually throughout the day I am at work so I would not be watching Porn or Masturbating so a large amount of my time would be at work which would help beat this addiction.

    I have watched a few videos on recovering following a relapse and tried to gain some inspiration and I am now going to go again and learn again

    But today has been a shit day and I feel like I have FUCKED up but "come on" this is part of the recovery I guess.

    @-Luke- Yes thats how relapses start and as you can see from above that how I relapsed today - I know this is a trigger for me yet It is still so so hard to stay away from it. I am going to make more of an effort now in stopping myself even getting to step 1 (music video or pic) fingers crossed.

    I dont live with my fiancee but I understand your point I think it would be better if she did as that would make me more accountable. Thanks for the positive message I needed it today more than ever before.

    Hope everyone else is doing fine and pushing through

    God Bless
     
  7. LKe

    LKe Member

    Hey @Saq sorry to hear you relapsed, get back at it again man, you got this.

    Can definitely related to that pattern you describe of browsing photos, music vids etc and then escalating into porn. Just got to try cut out as much of that browsing as possible which builds up cravings and tempts you to watch porn. Try get some blockers going. And Maybe you could also make a list of the things you want to/need to be on you're computer for and focus on sticking to those things and cutting out browsing. The more i limit my compture use to work, news and TV the better for me.
     
  8. Lan

    Lan New Member

    Hello bro @Saq you're doing well don't give up yet when you relapse. As the saying goes winners are not quiters & quiters are not winners. I'll like to CONGRATULATE you on you're 8 days of no PMO. Try to stay away from the triggers like you did mention by what you watch, read and listen to. Feel you mind with whatever things are good, pure, just whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is any praise, think on these things. That's a paraphrase of Philippians 4:8

    I also did start my no PMO on the first of this month an so far so good I haven't relapse by trying to feel mind with things that a good like I mentioned above and trying to stay away from the triggers. Though the have been some urges I repeat this phrase and think on in and also on the word of God " I am the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus, sin has no hold over me, I am a VICTOR over addiction in Jesus name.

    One thing also bro @Saq you have to be committed to change not just by saying it, talking is cheap. Take the necessary actions today to get over it. Try to think also one the PEACE you'll have than the guilt,shame an condemnation of watching it. If you'll need an accountability Partner in this journey message me so we can be checking each other probably once a week and when the urge arises during the week.
     
  9. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Day 1 Complete

    Back on the saddle after my relapse yesterday and I have successfully completed my first day. I am still pissed off about my relapse yesterday I am not going to lie but I understand I need to learn from it and get on the saddle again.

    @LKe - Thanks for the reply man - Yes I am going to try to cut out as much of the unnecessary browsing as much as possible. Also I am considering getting rid of my twitter account because I dont really use it for anything important and if it was to go I dont think it would have a negative impact on my life but may have a positive impact. I think a structure on my day is something I need to implement and I can see from your own story/journal you are very structured and touch wood your doing really well by the sounds of it (long may it continue man). Have you got software/blockers yourself and any you would suggest?

    @Lan - Thanks for the encouraging words man i appreciate them and YES i am happy to contact you in private once a week to see how we are both getting on and hopefully getting through this addiction. Just drop me a msg whenever you want man and I am happy take it from there. Totally agree TALK IS CHEAP and I need to put all this into action and thats may aim and I going to really really try hard on this streak.

    But I completed the day successfully and I am one more day closer to my PMO FREE life

    Hope everyone else is doing fine and pushing through
     
  10. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Day 2 Complete

    Nothing really significant to report on. Has been a standard day. Got on with my daily tasks and work. No real urges or cravings. In a more positive mind frame compared to yesterday.

    Wasn't planning on writing a journal today as didn't really get up-to much but I thought I still should so I can look back at it in the future.

    I completed the day successfully and I am one more day closer to my PMO FREE life

    Hope everyone else is doing fine and pushing through
     
  11. Battlesword1

    Battlesword1 Active Member

    Definitely second getting blocking software installed or otherwise establishing something to prevent yourself from actually being able to access porn when the willpower fails. I've definitely been caught that way and it was good because the webpage simply can't connect and then I came to my senses.

    Relapses should be viewed as a two-steps forward, one-step back situation. You're still making progress in the end.
     
  12. LKe

    LKe Member

    Hey @Saq, a week tomorrow, congrats man. How is it going?
     
    Saq likes this.
  13. Saq

    Saq New Member

    Getting there man - relapsed last week and felt really shit but go back onto and so far 6days free - aiming to get to 7days as my short term target
     
    LKe, Battlesword1 and -Luke- like this.

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