Journal: The path to being more awesome.

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Imbetterthanthis, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    So there I was earlier today in the bathroom screaming at myself in the mirror, "Fuck! You stupid idiot, you know better!" I had just finished M'ing in the bathroom after looking at porn and the full on guilt trip had begun. In the past I would not have been like this. PMO was a a way of life for me since high school (I am now 29). Around christmas somehow (and thankfully) i stumbled upon the idea of rebooting. I'm sure you've all heard this story before: guy M's for years, embarrassing situations with women, intense binge porn watching, lethargy, irritability and so on and so forth. Well that was me until January when I decided enough was enough. I roared out of the gate initially 42 days no PMO. Amazing is all i can say. Incredible improvements in mood focus happiness after a 2 week period of dead dick. Unfortunately over the past month and a half I have slid a little. M'ing approximately once a week, occasional quick peeks at bikini pics or every so often maybe a quick glance at a topless image on the net. But today was the kicker: It was the first time i had actively looked for porn, watched it, and M'd afterwards.

    A lot of poeple would say "that's not so bad, you've made so much progress, and relapsed a little but overall pretty good." I definitely have made immense progress, but today was a reminder that backsliding is a real issue and I fear that i am beginning to walk that path again.

    Over the past few months I have sensed moments of weakness have done a few things with little success (x'ing off days on a calender most recently to signify days with no PMO). It has not curbed cravings. Apparently those old neural pathways are freaking strong. I feel that this is an addiction that i have been beating and now is fighting back. Hence the start of this log.

    My goal for the log is as follows: I would like to use this as my daily reminder of what i am trying to achieve much like a daily training log for exercise. I feel that the best way to keep myself honest is to post in this log how I am feeling, how the process is going, and generally vent or report positive achievements.

    So in short this log is for me on my path to becoming more awesome. Feel free to follow along.

    Here we go: DAY 0

  2. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    Glad to have you, dude. I've been on the receiving end of some pretty harsh mirror-me judgement post-relapses as well. I'm here following a relapse too to help myself get more serious and have more reminders. Defiantly helps to be reading people's stories and have constant reminders that you're not alone and also of the benefits that you're working for.
    I hope it helps you, best of luck with day zero!
  3. memememe

    memememe New Member

    A friend of mine said it was the male equivalent of PMT - PMD: Post Masturbation Depression, when you feel like you've caught yourself in a shameful act once the endorphins wear off. Daah! I can relate to the mirror moments myself, I think if you know PMO has become a problem then that natural come down is far, far worse. Keep your chin up and fight it!
  4. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 1: No PMO

    Was definitely checking out a lot of girls but didn't feel the urge to M. Just wanted to have sex with them. Energy in the gym was awful, but mood was very good. I guess it's true that you can't just reset the clock when you relapse.
  5. bosseau

    bosseau Guest

    We're at the same stage so will be keeping an eye on your progress. If I feel an urge I have decided to come on here to refocuss and remotivate myself. Maybe something worth doing? My relapse happened during the few days that I didn't look at this forum.
  6. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Don't let your guard down! Here's one metaphor I posted in my journal about temptation:

    Yes, this enemy is tough. His toughest feature is his ability to survive in the desert for hundreds of years without food, water, or sleep. He does not lose strength or potency or focus. He is always present and always sharp and always strong. Don't believe me? Read a few relapse stories of strong men who slipped.

    I am trying to constantly remind myself that some day, I will be weak, and that's when the enemy will strike. I liken it to a very large and venomous snake who is very hard to see or detect, but he's always nearby, watching me, waiting, biding his time for my guard to slip. He doesn't care if it's 29 days or 29 years, he will wait. He knows right now I can kick his ass, so he pretends to be gone while I'm at attention. Then when I think all is well and let my defenses down, that's when he will strike me.

    Good luck today!
  7. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 2: No PMO, no urges

    I honestly love days where i work late. No time to PMO, and too worn out when i get home! Great energy levels today. Felt great at the gym, calm and collected at work, and my interactions with everybody were just smooth and natural. I made a semi flirtatious comment directed at one of my female coworkers who flashed a huge smile than looked down bashfully. I don't know why but I got intense pleasure out of that little interaction, but not in a sexual way. I guess it was just knowing that I shot a beam of masculine energy her way to which she reacted positively.
  8. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 3: No PMO, No urges

    Mood was good. Didn't feel like i had that masculine magnetism today. Oh well
  9. Paulier

    Paulier New Member

    Hey, good to have you on board. I can really relate to your relapse story. I was 37 days clean and riding high. Then I was ambushed and beaten by my addiction. Metamorph is right: unfortunately we can't afford to relax for a second. We know the enemy and his moves, we've just got to remember to take him seriously for the rest of our sexual lives.
  10. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 4: No PMO, no urges.

    Mood was good again, very relaxed. Tonight is a good night to go out and meet some young ladies, but alas I have no desire. All good. I apparently haven't regained my edge yet.
  11. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 5: No PMO

    Mood was ok. Tired today. Didn't sleep well.
  12. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 6: No PMO.

    Day 7: No PMO.

    Had to do two days in one reply because i've been super busy with recreational stuff.......which is awesome. Kind hard to whack off to porn when there isn't a computer in sight. Came across a girl over the weekend. She was the neighbor of a friend. I was really just doing my own thing with my buds and she was tagging along. I thought she was cute, but wanted to see if my new sense of calmness and confidence (or masculine energy/aura as i like to call it when i'm trying to do self affirmations) would come across. I literally put in no effort because it seemed like she was kind of into one of my buds and he was hitting on her hard. I figured to myself "whatever, she's cute but I'm not going to turn this into a game of one upsmanship when he's already got a leg up."

    Anyways I'm just chilling playing it cool and not once do I give her the time of day not even introducing myself. I notice that she's always putting herself in my proximity, lots of hair flips, eventually her asking my name and introducing herself.

    Coming back to the whole PMO thing, just a couple of observations: My calmness seemed to radiate, conversation came easy and innocent touching (a hand on her hip when talking to her) felt natural.

    Overall, I just felt like I was in control and it mattered not whether I got the girl because I was just calm, doing my thing not worried about how I came across. It felt great!
  13. tymbles

    tymbles Guest

    That's so great to hear that you felt that comfortable, and were able to act without thought of 'where could this go!?'.
  14. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 8: No PMO
    Day 9: No PMO

    I feel like i'm going through a dead dick period. There was a hot girl in my office who I was sort of pursuing and then lately i've just been like eh could care less.
  15. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 10

    Relapse of sorts today. Unfortunately had a strong trigger today. Some girl walking around in booty shorts at the gym. So unfair. I could practically see up her shorts. Two observations: first, dick was dead as a doornail, second, the image of this chick and the subsequent rush i got was like revisiting an old drug.

    This really IS an addiction. So later on in the evening i couldn't get the chick out of my head. So what does one do? Scratch that itch...onto to google i go searching for booty shorts pictures. There were some naked, semi naked, and non nude pics. Overall, I'll call today P with no MO, but more importantly I realize that I have to be strong walk away when I've been triggered and recognizing when old habits (actively seeking and surfing on net) begin to snowball.
  16. fullset

    fullset Member

    Ahh thats rough! But girls walking in skimpy outfits will be the norm with summer coming and all. Stay in the moment and may be think about how that girl will be all hot for you when you're cured of your addiction? Hope that helps.
  17. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 11: no PMO, no urges.

    Day 12: no PMO, no urges.

    good mood today with good energy and then late day crash. Still have a dead dick. No morning wood.
  18. Imbetterthanthis

    Imbetterthanthis New Member

    Day 13 to Day 14: Major turning point in some ways but not sure how this affects my overall recovery.

    Went out last night with some buddies and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on a mission to make out, get laid, or whatever. Last night was an interesting double edge sword. It was probably the most bold I've ever been with women yet my little man was dead as doornail (still).

    Met a few college girls while I was at a house party. Was pretty flirty with all of them, very much not worried about the outcome of what i did or said. I was grabbing their asses in a flirty way, joking around, etc. At the end of the night I just decided to be bold. I said to the girls "so we're going back to your place right?" Nobody outright said no but nobody invited me either. So me and my buddy just held strong and just kept gently pushing to head back to their place. Low and behold we end up back there.

    We were hanging out shooting the shit with the girls and my buddy left with one of the girls to upstairs for Second. at this point I started play fighting with one of the other girls: I had her pinned on the couch and was tickle torturing her. Eventually I had her arms pinnned above her head and then it happened.....the look. She had this slight smile with this look like she was expecting something. I slowly went for the kiss and she turned her head, so i play fought a little more then I went in and gently bit her neck. She gave me a bite back and then the look again....boom passionate makeout. My buddy came back and one of the roomates was trying to give us blankets for the couches. My chick went upstairs and that's when I was just like fuck it. I went in pushed her door open and pushed her onto the bed and making out more.

    So here's some rebooting positives: confident ballsy as fuck (i never do this shit). I mean i didn't talk my way into it, I just took what I wanted with no apologies. So awesome.
    Negatives: dead dick (fuck!) BUT i was off the hook because she kept stopping me when I tried to have sex, so just foreplay, cuddling, makeout.

    So i've still got work to do because I was turned on yet asleep downstairs. Probably a little anxiety factored in since she was a new girl, but wow the confidence and comfort i had was astonishing. It was like i stepped outside myself to become the sexy bold man that I've been trying to be for years.
  19. Laurynas

    Laurynas 300 Days+ Experienced.


    nice achievement - boosted self-confidence. ;)

    Keep it up, I'll check in on you again later.
  20. MetaMorph

    MetaMorph New Member

    Heh heh.... nice.

    If I were you, I would be pretty damned pleased with this whole reboot stuff. Who cares if you didn't go all the way? You're marching into a girl's bedroom man. That's pretty cool.

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