Journal - starting at day 106 of no PMO - Zander

Now that I have the correct anti-depressants working for me I've found that there is only one more step to a complete recovery: rewiring. I've said this before but after doing some reading and soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that my brain needs a kick in the dick. I need to replace my relationship with porn. I need to wire myself to women. Real boobs and butts. I don't think my recovery is going to get that much better until I start rewiring.

 

5.2 months of this run, ~2 years in totality


In another flatline, which is throwing off the previous pattern of 9-10 good days followed by 7 bad. Normally this would be something I'd get down about, but I have to say that though I'm in the first day of a flatline, it's nowhere near as painful as my other flatlines have been. So far at least. In other words, the flatline process has lost its bite. The porn thoughts are weaker than they've ever been. They're much easier to toss away, like a wisp of thin smoke. The lines are becoming blurred between "good days" and "bad ones". This is, BY FAR, the furthest I've ever been in this journey. I predict that I'll be very close to being recovered within the next three months, if not sooner.

Just to have it on record, though I don't have my excel spreadsheet in front of me, I'd say that I've had about 6-7 flatlines during this particular period of abstinence. the last four have been the longest, each one spanning 6-7 days. So weird how that process works. I don't know if I'll ever fully understand it. To me, flatlines are times of cravings. They are times when our brains aren't going to accept anything less than a relapse. As a result, real life isn't pleasurable. But they fade after the brain get's fed up with our stubbornness, and let's us return to a relatively normal state of living. And the healing occurs during the normal times. That's when we get to strengthen those pathways. To meditate, do hobbies, form relationships, have fun. Now I know this view is different than what the majority of the community believes, but I've never been one to buy into the norm. I base my views off experience and analysis. And for me, flatlines aren't times of healing, they're times of craving. They're the withdrawals.

Onto another topic: My fetishes are fading, which was a process that I doubted up until this point. I thought I'd be into them for the rest of my life. Nope. They're fading. Not fully gone, but fading. I find myself being interested in more vanilla sex. When I fantasize, which is rare, I'm fantasizing about past partners (which is difficult since it's been so long). I'm putting myself in the fantasy, as opposed to some big-dicked porn star.

The only videos that still remain in my "library" are the ones that excited me most. Sadly, that means they are the ones that were the most shocking. But still. I'll take it. Pornography is slowly being replaced, in my brain circuitry, with other, more healthy things. The process works. My passions are returning. Life is becoming exciting again.

This should provide hope to anyone and everyone, because it has taken me around 2 years to get to this point. 2 years of hell.

Even the worst of us can heal.

Now I'm not done yet, and I can still detect the presence of porn in my subconscious, but like I said, it's rapidly diminishing. Come to think of it, I haven't had one porn-related dream in about two weeks. Not one. And I haven't had any semen leak during bowel movements either. I'm really getting there folks.

Gotta remain vigilant and be honest with myself. I don't want optimism to get in the way of reality. Trust me folks, I'm not going to say that I've made it until I've fully made it. No half-assing. When I feel factory reset, then I'll post a success story. And it's going to be awesome.

 

Day 67

In another streak. Flatlining currently. Fuck this sucks. I have no words for how much I want it all to be gone and out of my life.

 

Day 123

Another streak. Still going through flatlines. Relapsing is a matter of life and death for me at this point.

 

Doesn't matter which day:

I'm back after a long, long hiatus. I'm experiencing pretty shitty withdrawals today, and it affects me in so many different ways. My confidence is low, I'm combative, my aura is negative, I'm feeling depressed, I feel as if death is right around the corner, I'm jealous, I'm wrathful. The list goes on and on and on. And the only way through it all is time. And it doesn't seem fair to me. I was fucking twelve years old when I first looked at porn, and it was because of my innocence that I didn't know how harmful it was. I mean, what the fuck? Other addictions don't have such long periods of withdrawals. It fuckin' blows.

My therapist told me to journal here every day, so I'm going to try and stick to that. I do need some kind of outlet for all of these negative thoughts that I'm having.

My biggest issue with all of this is that it makes it so fucking difficult to be around people. I hate displaying a version of myself that I'm not proud of, and this addiction constantly has me delivering a package that is unsatisfactory. I consider myself an alpha male of sorts, but this horse shit has me playing the role of a beta. It pains me so much to feel submissive to another man who isn't half the person I am, but it seems to be happening to me routinely. At least I've come to realize how much of a leader I can be, because, for the longest time, I never thought of myself as one. This addiction hides so much about myself, including some form of mental illness, either bipolar 2 or depression. The withdrawals throw me off because I can't accurately gauge what my baseline is. I simply do not know what a normal version of myself looks like. The damage done to my brain is so severe that I'm afraid it will take years before I can have an accurate depiction.

Anyways, I just have to keep going, and to try and be honest with people about how bad I'm feeling. I wish that there was some kind of end in sight, but it doesn't feel that way. I still have a lot more pain to endure.