Journal - starting at day 106 of no PMO - Zander

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Zander, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 187

    Morning wood two mornings in a row. Things are starting to get better downstairs and it feels wonderful. I just can't wait until feeling normal becomes a regular thing.
  2. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 191

    Morning would occurs more than it doesn't at this point in my reboot. I get it 5/7 days. That alone is so ridiculously encouraging to me because it is a phenomenon I never had the pleasure of experiencing the past 25 years I've been alive. It's like a whole new world is opening up to me. I cannot stress enough how WORTH IT this journey is. It's hard as hell, but so fucking worth it. I feel like a real human today. I can't imagine what things will be like a year into it. I have so many things to look forward to.
  3. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 198

    Feel good today. Great in fact. I feel more like myself than ever before.

    But the reason I'm posting today is not to talk about how great I feel today, because for the last week I haven't. And I think some of the success journals I read do a poor job of highlighting this fact. The way that I was lead to believe this process went was that I'd experience some sort of flatline for a couple months, maybe several, and that I'd eventually break out of it and be fine afterwards. Now, I don't want to make blanket statements, because there are some posts out there that touch on what I've been experiencing, but not enough. And the sad thing is, is that the more truthful a post on this forum is, the better it makes me feel, because I know that the crap I'm going through isn't an anomaly. Honesty, when it comes to this issue, is the best medicine. The more honest someone is about their experiences with rebooting, the more I connect with the person who was posting. At least as connected as someone can get over an internet forum.

    So here is my honest summary of what I've experienced during the last 198 days of my life.

    To start, it's been the most challenging thing I've experienced. Which is okay, because I need some adversity in my life, seeing as how this problem was a way to escape it.

    Second, I've learned a great deal about myself and what I want out of life. This happens naturally, since you aren't constantly feeling guilty about relapse. Your mind is forced to focus on life.

    Third, is that this reboot is very, very, very non-linear. It is like an ocean. Exactly like an ocean. In fact, that's probably the best analogy I can think of. Because withdrawal and flatlines hit you in waves. And sometimes the waves are the product of horrible storms, and they hit you hard and long. In other words, the flatlines come and go in spurts. I'll feel shitty for an entire week, to the point where I feel like I suffer from clinical depression, and then I'll have a day where I feel fine, like today. Overnight, something changes, and I'll be back to my normal self. And then, either the next day, the day after that, or even 12 hours into my good day, I'll spiral back down into depression. My brain will freak out that I'm so high, and will drag me back to hell. All of the sudden I feel as if life sucks and everything is hopeless. And that'll last another week. So on and so forth. Week after week, month after month.

    The only thing that has changed during my trek through the ocean is that the good days get better. Not drastically better, but a little better. And the lows are slightly more tolerable, though I don't want people to think that they're a walk in the park. Depression is depression man. I still feel like absolute balls when I'm in one, and I'm almost 200 days into this thing. IT"S A SERIOUS BRAIN CHANGE, and I want people to understand that. If you've been addicted for a decade, then when you cease that addiction, things are going to be fucked up. Your body is going to freak out. Homeostasis comes to mind.

    Now I don't want to scare people away from rebooting. It's an absolute must if you want to live a normal life. There's no getting around that fact. If you're an addict and you haven't gone through rebooting hell, then you'll never be 100%. Because I know what it's like to be addicted, and I have a glimpse of what it's like to be in recovery, and I can tell you, firsthand, that even while I'm traversing my metaphorical ocean, I'm much better, deep down, then when I was an addict. I have that ground floor of self-respect. Even when I'm feeling depressed, isolated, lonely, full of despair, I know I'm one day closer to being completely free of it all. And that's an extraordinary thing.

    To comment on relapse:

    I understand the notion of not beating yourself up after a relapse. I really do. But I will say that if you binge, you're fucked. One relapse won't kill you, but if you binge, you're in trouble. I know this because I would go months abstaining and then relapse with a binge. And I'd feel even worse than where I started. If you reinforce those pathways, which are already so fuckin deep, then you're effed. Cold, hard truth. Even though, during the last years of my recovery, when I'd be able to go on 30 day, 40 day, 50 day streaks, I felt worse than I had ever before. I don't know exactly why that is, scientifically, but I can say that it was like I'd blown out my dopamine receptors. Porn wasn't even exciting to me anymore, yet I'd still binge. I'd call that a rock bottom. Don't get to that point, because look how hard recovery had been for me. I know, for a fact, that if I'd stopped this addiction two years sooner, while I was still in college, it would have been half as bad as it is now. So stop while you can. And maybe all of the stuff I said about the ocean won't be true for you. (Too bad this is a 25-30 forum. I'm assuming most of us here are already as bad as I am.)

    To finish, I realize this post is jumbled, but I just want to help people. Porn is a horrible, horrible thing. It's the worst thing in the world, because it fucks with sexuality, the biggest motivator in a man's life. Fuck that shit man, I hate it so much.
  4. Zander

    Zander Member

    As far as boners are concerned, I'm still nowhere near healthy. I need to start exposing myself to real women, I think that'll help in that department.
  5. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 205

    My libido is back. I repeat, my libido is back.

    I've witnessed more progress in the past week than I have my entire reboot. My dick works every day to manual stimulation w/out fantasy, I made out with a girl and had a huge erection at the club on St. Party's, and I just feel generally better. It's amazing how much has changed. If I ever doubted if this reboot was worth it, I was totally incorrect. It's night and day. My dick works again. It's amazing to have one that works after so many months of having a tiny, lifeless baked bean down there.

    This is the real do gentleman. You will not recognize your former self when you look back, and it hasn't been that long. 200 days is fucking nothing.

    Life begins when the porn ends, period.

    Good luck and I'll keep you guys updated on everything.
    xburnerphonex and TheLongWalk like this.
  6. xburnerphonex

    xburnerphonex Member

    Thanks for the encouragement, Zander. I'm about 3 months in since last MO and nearly 6 months away from last PMO and starting to feel my libido again, but there's still little movement down there. Nevertheless I'm sticking with the program and going to apply some serious effort to rewire at this point.
  7. Zander

    Zander Member

    Hey guys

    So I have a question.

    I relapsed twice about a month and a half ago. The relapses were about two weeks apart and I PMO's a total of 4 times, though the first two sessions were around 45 minutes long and to fetish videos. The second relapse was to vanilla porn and each session was about 5-10 minutes long.

    I was feeling great the next 40 or so days after my last relapse, but I've since started to experience similar symptoms to the ones I have described previously, such as depressing thoughts, low motivation to socialize, and a shitty libido. They aren't horrible symptoms, but they're scary because I fear that I reset a lot of the work I've done.

    Does anyone have thoughts on this? I went about 200 days, relapsed a total of 4 times, and have been okay the past month and a half. Should I be worried that I un-did a lot of progress? The way I've been looking at it is that in the grand scheme of things, I've almost gone a year with only looking at porn a total of 4 times. That's 2 days out of 365 (assuming I stay on the streak). I think the only reason I'm even thinking about it now is because of these shitty withdrawal symptoms I'm getting again.
  8. brandnewself

    brandnewself Member

    Hey man, I used to go 120+ days without P or O at all and then I relapsed. I wasn't particularly feeling like watching porn but I just thought it wouldn't do any harm after 120 days. I still remember what I felt when I was watching it ---- it's not exciting and I was not aroused much. I fapped with it anyway. The following few days, I still didn't feel like watching porn so I thought great I'm not an addict anymore. I watched porn again. And again. Just because I thought I was safe and I could cut it as long as I wanted. I was over-confident and plain stupid. I ended up struggling with it ever since.
    Man, I wish I were in your position right now. Just don't watch it anymore. Porn isn't appealing to you as it was once. Don't sabotage yourself and you will be just fine. The fact that you've stayed clean for 45 days after the relapse means you're still in control. A little mood swing is all too normal. Anyone, with or without an addiction has mood swings. It's very likely not a porn induced depression but a temporary thing.
    You've always been an inspiration to me and you still are. I didn't comment much in your post, once maybe, but I've been following your post and you're doing great. Don't let a small setback set you back.
    Hope it helps.
  9. saneagain

    saneagain Member

    Don't count days. See the progress you have made instead. I have been clean for about 185 days. MOd twice after around day 100 (no porn) and even had sex with a prostitute once. I still suffer from withdrawal symptoms like lightheadedness, nausea, depression, anxiety, shortness of breath.

    You are on the right track. The relapse is a small dent in your reboot process. Please don't think that since you relapsed you can now binge anyway. Every day you didn't PMO was progress.
  10. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 70

    I'm back fellas. I made it about 200 days on my first streak, followed by 30, 60, 84 and now my current one of 70. Since the last time I posted on here a lot has changed, the main one being that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and have been on medication ever since. That has made a world of difference in this most recent reboot--I no longer feel as if I'm in a deep, black, bottomless void. I now feel like a recovering addict who is getting closer and closer to some sort of finish line.

    My current routine is 3-5 "good days" followed by 2-7 "bad days". I've been in a flatline since day 25 or so, with a random day here and there where I have a libido. Occasional morning wood and plenty of wet dreams (6-7). My last reboot (84 days) was the closest I've gotten to erectile health. Around day 80 I had the stiffest morning wood of my life, and I was beginning to be turned on by subtle things. I watched a movie I hadn't seen in years and appreciated it on a whole different level. I was starting to be more outgoing than ever before, and felt as if I was on the cusp of true recovery.

    For some reason, though i only relapsed twice on day 84, I seemed to have reset completely from that streak, starting back at zero. At day 70, I'm still not where I was at day 80 of my last streak, but I'm optimistic about what lies ahead. So many factors play into this shit. It's winter. I'm not around as many girls. I'm not as social. Who knows how all of this shit factors into morning woods and wet dreams and all of the stupid shit that we've been forced to obsess over.

    I will say that I'm doing the right things and that I don't care how long it takes to get back to normal. I'm in it for the long haul. Good to be back though--feels nice to get all of this shit off my chest.
  11. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 76

    In a weird place. Haven't had a wet dream in over a week but I'm confident that one is on the way. I remember during my last 90 day reboot that around this time I started getting them fairly often. My erections also started to flare up. I'm afraid that because I'm not spending much time around women that my brain doesn't feel the need to get back to where I was at the end of my last reboot. Whenever I'm around women these days I feel an attraction, but the past week or so I haven't been around any. I need to start putting myself out there in a permanent way, to finally bust down the walls that I have built up. That's the only way that I'll get to the places that I want to go.
  12. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 79

    Very solid morning wood this morning. Lasted for 10-15 minutes. Very excited for what's to come. I'm going to assume that I'll be very close to totally functioning by the time the six month mark rolls around. Feeling optimistic and in control. Just need to stick with my habits and avoid anything triggering. TV and Netflix are major threats when it comes to that. Anything suggestive of sex needs to be turned off immediately. It's just not worth it. At all. There's no need to watch those kinds of shows/scenes. The risk is nowhere near the reward. Not even close. I can catch up on anything I missed a year down the road when I feel more in control of my sexuality. First I need to start dating real women and wiring my brain to the real thing. I want all urges to be urges to penetrate, not urges to wank it.
  13. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 91

    Had to go to the hospital because of suicidal thinking and severe depression. Upped my meds and immediately felt better, though I'm wary of it losing it's effects. No matter what, I'm going to be more vigilant about my depression and stop blaming it on my porn addiction. Truth be told, I'm in a good place with this addiction, though I'll also stay forever vigilant when it comes to pixelated sexuality.

    Overall, happy about things today. Having a craving type day and it's barely affecting me other than lower libido and a minor case of anxiety. Brain feels a little heavy too but that's really it. It's starting to fade, and once that occurs, every day of the week will be considered a good one, and I'll begin to truly be like the rest of the "normal" people who were never addicted to jizzing into ankle socks at 2 am with a shameful porn scene lighting up their computer screens.

    Oh, and another thing. For any creative people out there, be prepared to lose your creative juices during a reboot, at least in the beginning. Luckily, my powers are slowly returning, which for a creative, is like striking gold. Huge part of who I am, huge. Very happy to have it back, and to those who've lost theirs, this is proof that it does return. Just be patient, which is the life principle that anyone who wants to beat this addiction will need to acquire. Instant gratification doesn't fit with a reboot. You'll get thrashed before you know it.
  14. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 93

    At the tail end of withdrawals. They usually last for around two and a half days, and today should be when they go away sometime in the afternoon. After today I should be riding high and feeling horny, which brings its own set of problems with it, though I much prefer worrying about being attracted to real women than having some artificial craving for pixels and my own hand.

    I believe that, for me, cravings and withdrawals are synonymous. A craving is when my brain is pining for porn so bad that it makes everything else in life seem dull and pointless so that I'll have no choice but to give it what it wants. As a result, I feel like ass. The good thing is, once I say "no" long enough, it gives up its efforts to make me PMO and allows me to find enjoyment (dopamine) from other things in life.

    The way I'd describe my addiction up until this point is this:

    The first 30 day were a crapshoot. I would go back and forth between normalcy and complete chaos. I'd have morning erections one day and a peanut of a dick the next.

    After the first 30 days (or so--no definite numbers with this addiction), I entered into a flatline where things became much more predictable. It kind of turned into what I described in the first two paragraphs, but way worse in both categories. What I mean by that is my cravings where extreme and my normal days weren't that enjoyable. I mean they were okay, and much better than the cravings, but they still weren't near what a truly good day feels like.

    As each week went by, the pattern continued (3-5 good days followed by 2.5 bad ones) with an occasional bad day sprinkled in between the good days. Every time I'd emerge out of the withdrawals I felt higher than I did the previous span of good days. Also, though less noticeably, the low days weren't as bad as before. And this continued from day 31 to day 60 or so. Then, around day 60, I had a flatline that lasted a full week. I thought I'd done something horribly wrong. Thankfully, on New Years day I woke up from an enjoyable wet dream (where I had sex with a person and not my palm) and felt better than ever before. And since then, the familiar cycle has continued up until today.

    Another thing I forgot to mention was that after 60 days or so, I started to have the occasional morning wood. As each week went by, the erections became stronger and the morning wood became more frequent. Then, at some point, I started getting erections at night as well. Also, more importantly, during my last span of good days, I found myself getting attracted to real women. I remember one morning I woke up in the hospital (for depression) and found myself hitting on the pretty social worker that was helping me with all that hospital-y stuff. I wasn't overtly doing it, but I was asking her if I'd see her again and stuff like that. She seemed a little shy about the whole ordeal, but she definitely wasn't hating it. And the funny thing was, the whole process felt so natural. Before that day, every time I'd hit on a chick I was forcing myself to do it. And I'm sure I came off un-confident and insecure. But not that morning. I felt strong and attractive.

    So, in summation, things are looking up, but by no means finished. I still have a ways to go.
  15. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 97

    I'm in a weird place. I think a weeklong flatline ended last night, but I still didn't have much of a morning erection and my dick has been basically lifeless all day. This reboot will always baffle me, even when I'm through with it.

    My mind feels heavy and I do not feel fully in-tune with the world, but the horrible, gray, shitty Cleveland weather is definitely playing a part in that.

    The days I feel really good also happen to be days when I feel more masculine. I'm less timid about my opinions and about life in general. It still shocks me how much this addiction is tied to my own happiness and ability to live life like a human. Porn robs us of absolutely everything. It crushes your soul. And getting rid of it might be even worse, though making my way through it has been a confidence builder. Not until I leave it fully behind will I feel safe. I know how demonic it is and I know how quickly it can grab hold.

    For those who are looking for that extra 'oomph' to get a streak going, really try meditation. Like force yourself. It'll give you an extra ten seconds between being triggered and deciding to relapse.
  16. Zander

    Zander Member

    Day 98

    correction: Flatline didn't end until this morning. Last night I experienced a severe craving (rapid heartbeat, headaches, felt sick to my stomach) that ended somewhere around midnight. Witnessed its coming and going thanks to meditation.

    Note--funny that my stomach was upset. Reminds me of the books I've read about withdrawals from hard drugs. I know PMO withdrawals aren't as severe, but it's further proof that we are truly addicted to sex pixels.
  17. Zander

    Zander Member

    Span of great days. Not too interested in counting them anymore. Time to stop obsessing about rebooting and spend more time living life.

    Good luck to all. I know how fuckin' hard this shit can be on a person
  18. Zander

    Zander Member

    Had 6 or 7 very solid days in a row. Feeling good. Need to stay vigilant though.

    Please check this site out if you're struggling. It's a great resource and another source of quality stuff.
  19. Zander

    Zander Member

    Closing in on 4 months. My libido and moods are in flux but I’ll take the good with the bad. Two consecutive mornings with MW
  20. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Sucks to read about your depression, but very inspiring journal to read. I felt like screaming at the screen when I saw you relapsed after a fully working dick, huuuuuge ass streak and all the benefits. I’m on my longest streak ever right now (over 50 days) and I’m scared about messing up like that, complacency. For me, getting too drunk and going home alone is my most dangerous zone right now that I can’t enter.

    Congrats on getting back on the wagon and blasting another amazing streak. All the best

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