Journal - starting at day 106 of no PMO - Zander

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Zander, Dec 13, 2016.

  1. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    I'm a 25 year old male who's been trying to quit watching porn for 6 years. My first sexual encounter was at age 17 and it was a failure. I eventually was able to have a several relationships during high school and college but they were always marred by my addiction. Things ebbed and flowed, but for the most part I was never able to feel the full effects of a healthy sexual experience. Porn dominated the interactions whether I knew it or not. I was after the feelings and sensations of sex and orgasm and not the spiritual enlightenment and emotional bonding that supposedly happens when you do it with a girl and you're not addicted up to your eyeballs.

    The last two years of my life have been the worst sexually. I've had a few encounters that have never lasted more than one or two nights, and they felt unnatural and downright sickening. I felt empty and alone after I'd release. Disconnected from the world.

    My worst porn watching period began around my junior and senior years of high school. At that point I had no idea how bad watching porn was, so I would smoke weed and binge until 3 in the morning almost every night. I'd masturbate until my dick hurt, and I'd watch every genre imaginable. Rape, incest, shemale. Just the fuckin worst kind of videos. I'd go until peeing became painful. I'd even get a blister every now and again. Really awful stuff.

    My freshman of college was when I discovered that porn was a problem, and I've been trying to quit ever since. That's 6 years of trying and failing. My longest streak was 120 days, and that was because I was trying to stay sober for a girl I was in pseudo-love with. I've since had streaks of 10,20,30,40,50,60. You name it really.

    When I relapse, it's an automatic binge. Then I'll mess up for a few weeks before I get back on the wagon, have a streak from white-knuckling, then start it all over. Years and years of trying and failing. Years of losing faith in myself, and isolating myself from everything and everyone that I loved. Pure misery.

    And I really became focused only on incest. That's probably the most shameful thing of all, because, in my eyes, that's the sickest kind out there.

    Today I'm 106 days sober but far as fuck from the finish line. I feel like I'm just getting started. But I will say that I'm more confident than ever before that I can win. I go to SA meetings, AA meetings, and have opened up to many people about it. That was key for me, breaking the isolation. You must do this. It's hard, and I still haven't even scratched the surface of specifics, but telling people who love you is key brothers.

    I've also become more in-tune with myself and rely less on an autopilot mode. The more you understand what you're feeling and thinking the easier it is to realize a craving is coming and to combat it. I've also lived in isolation from the internet, living in an apartment without wifi and using a flip phone. Both tough things to do but necessary for me. I guess beating this thing became my number one priority, and once that happened I took the correct steps. This is another huge factor in winning, realizing the severity of our problem and how much it has affected every single part of our lives.

    I also have found a higher power, even though I haven't been as good with it as of late. I intend to improve upon that as this journal and journey progresses.

    My actual life is private to me, but let's just say I've had ups and downs. I'm by no means a social or societal failure, but I do feel like an outsider and sometimes a failure. I have high standards for myself and I'm still waiting to reach them. I'll keep you updated.

    So, to end, I want to journal so I can continue to stay mindful and aware of moods and libido, etc. I will definitely say that having a libido equals having a good, or at least normal day. When my balls feel all tight and my dick feels like a lifeless chicken neck is when I feel the worst emotionally. Dead inside, without a compass. When my brain is starving for that porn binge, nothing else in life will take its place, and all I can hope is that my brain is plastic enough to change that. Only time will tell.
  2. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 107

    It's 8:30 in the morning and I didn't wake up with an erection, which means that I'm feeling a little flat. No libido=tough morning/day.

    Even though I'm 107 days into this streak I've never felt more uncomfortable. It feels as if the void is growing, and by void I mean the inability to enjoy the normalcies of life because of my brain's craving for that dopamine surge.

    I'm pretty confident that rewiring will take me a long time, especially since I do not have a girl to rewire with as of now. I'm hoping once my libido returns that will change, because I am actually an in-shape, good looking dude.

    The biggest thing form in my life right now is to beat this addiction. Nothing means more to me. I desperately want to live in the moment and not think about things, but I know if I don't stay vigilant and remind myself how shitty life is as an addict then I will go on autopilot and relapse.
  3. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 108

    As always, I feel 10x better than I did yesterday. Mostly when I have a really shitty day I bounce back and feel great the next.

    My libido is starting to find its legs, and I find myself getting aroused by things like sexy pictures or makeout scenes on tv.

    I need to stay extra vigilant now because the more sensitive I become to that sort of stimuli the more easy it is for me to go down that rabbit hole we are all so familiar with.

    I'm way more positive today and I can sense my pessimism in my last post. It's funny how much of a roller coaster this addiction can be. Literally up and down, 400 feet in the sky one moment and hurdling towards the ground the next. I just gotta make sure that I don't stick my head out and get it chopped off while riding the thing.

    The advice I give to myself is keep the Slight Edge in mind and do the little things.

    Until next time, and good luck to everyone else out there trying to beat this thing. Only we are able to fully grasp how life-changing and ridiculously hard this journey is. Keep truckin' boys.
  4. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 109

    Had a wet dream last night. It's the 3rd one in the last 10 days, and during it I was having sex with another person as opposed to watching porn. I am very, very encouraged by it. This is one of the happiest mornings I've had in a long time.

    At the same token I do not want to get cocky or complacent because I do not want to be blindsided by another day of complete anxiety/depression. I need to prepare for those kinds of days and not let them surprise me.

    I feel confident that if a cute girl were in front of me I'd at least be able to get a halfie.

    All the love,

  5. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 112

    Erections almost every morning at around 7 a.m. and general good moods, but that fluctuates.

    Very noticeable mood swings, often going from happy to dopamine starved in a matter of hours.

    Porn flashbacks are easy to get rid of at this point and I don't feel that scared of relapsing. Still, I always need to be mindful. Starting to realize that we cannot beat this addiction without mindfulness. Just always be aware of your thoughts, your emotions, and your actions.

    "The next best thing" is a great thing to live by, because it constantly has me questioning if what I'm doing will help me or not.

    God speed everyone, if we beat this nothing else in life will be able to beat us, except maybe cancer. Or a hurricane or something.
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2016
  6. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 121

    Feeling emotionally empty. I cannot feel anything. I've had 3 wet dreams in a row the past 3 nights and I don't know how that coincides with anything but I just feel awful.

    I hope to God this feeling dissipates and that life will not continue to go on like this, but right now I'm getting sick of being emotionally retarded and indifferent towards everything.

    I'm not going to give up or quit this journey, and I still firmly believe that this bullshit is only temporary, but man does this blow. People who think they'll be good after 90 days are sorely mistaken and need to realize that 90 days is just the beginning, like the first 10 minutes of a movie. The real changes and depression, for me, started to come after 3 months.

    Trying not to be a downer but it's tough. I'm usually an excellent writer, but for the past week I've felt stunted and un-creative. I'm blocked in the worst possible way.

    I can't wait until this deep, dark mist fades and I can begin to feel like a normal person. I read on Fugu's story that he felt as if he was waiting for months 3-6, and I totally understand that. I'm just waiting.

    This is real life people, we're addicts. Don't take any of this lightly, because even the process of abstinence is a battle in its own right.

    Good luck to all and I apologize for the pessimism, but a journal is meant to be an outlet for your thoughts, and I want to be honest with this. This journey is non-linear, and I'm sure all of the good stuff that's come into my life because of my abstinence is being ignored right now.
  7. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 123

    I can now come to the conclusion that I am in a flatline. I've felt depressed for the past week now and at first I thought it was due to some of my life's circumstances, but I now realize it is because of my brain's neurochemistry. My body is withdrawing.

    Before I saw this as a huge negative. I couldn't sleep last night because of withdrawal insomnia, so I lied there in bed thinking about this addiction and how deeply ingrained it has been in my life. I literally cannot remember a time when porn wasn't affecting me. So you know what? It makes sense that I'm going through some pain right now. I'm getting rid of something that I've been obsessed with (either using it or trying to not use it) for more than a decade. So of course my brain and body are going to revolt. It makes complete sense to me. And it's good that I'm feeling this shitty all the time because it means something is changing, something is moving around up there, people are shifting seats.

    Lately I've been feeling a lot of regret and shame for all of the years partly wasted and the relationships I've partly or fully destroyed because of my addiction. It's very tough to accept all of this, because I was not the only one affected. Well maybe that's not totally true, I never stole money or sexually assaulted anyone or anything like that. But I put strain on my family. I put strain of my friends, and I put strain on myself. I fucked a lot of things up, and I know its not all because of porn, but then again, there is no way of knowing is there. I will never know what kind of person I would have been if I didn't discover online pornography. And I'm still trying to get used to that. But at least I'm recovering now. At least I'm only 25. Hopefully, as the days go by I will regain control of my brain and truly figure out the person I was meant to be. But for now, as I said in a previous post, I am without a compass. My dreams and goals are mysterious to me, even though I could have sworn I knew what they were a couple weeks ago. Funny how shitty depression can be.

    All the love guys. I feel for everyone going through this. Its very tough because we have to go through life while simultaneously fighting the toughest battle we've ever faced. We're fighting a war on two fronts, like the Germans in WWII, but I think if we stick it out we can re-write history and win both. My dick is lifeless and my balls are shriveled, but my resolve is rock solid (that was gay wasn't it).

    Good luck brothers, I feel your pain. I really, really fuckin do.

    One more thing: I've listened to a radio show called your brain rebalanced, created by some guys on this forum, and I wanted to reach out and see if anyone else is interested in keeping it alive. That thing helped me more than just about anything else. check it out on youtube if you haven't.
  8. NewTerritories

    NewTerritories virtual

    3 wet dreams on 3 consecutive nights, damn, same thing happened to me this week. All sorts of frustrating. Good thing you could recognise a good sign in that third one.

    All the best, man.
  9. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    @NewTerritories Thanks man I appreciate it. Good for you though, means something is happening.

    Day 127

    Feeling better today, had another wet dream on New Years and since then I've been pretty good. I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and will begin to apply his principles to how I will handle this addiction going forward. He basically believes that we should not worry about the past and future and instead focus on the moment. We hear advice like this all the time but not until we grasp it and apply it to our own lives do we realize how powerful a sentiment it can be. Feeling good bros, every urge that I conquer makes me feel a little stronger. I'm saying no to autopilot at this point. I want to cut out the internet and Netflix and all that permanently as well I've decided.

    Good luck and happy new year to all of you. This is the experience of a lifetime
  10. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 132

    For those of us who wired our brains to pornography as a teenager, I'm here to tell you that the process of recovery is a long road. It's an accessible road, but it's a difficult and strenuous one. I'm still at the point in my recovery where I have more bad days than good, but I can definitely sense the overall upward trend. It's weird, because I feel depressed and in a deep need for release most days, but when I look at the overall trend it's an upward one. I can feel myself healing, if that makes any sense. My feet feel as if they're getting planted into the ground firmer and firmer as every day goes by.

    I picture this addiction as this: when we are balls deep in the PMO cycle our heads are tilted toward the ground and our eyes are on our shoelaces. We can't see anything except for the few centimeters in front of our shoes. But as we abstain and choose life without porn, our heads slowly rise up (and I mean slowly), forcing us to face the world as it is but also revealing everything that we'd been missing so long while we gawked at our Air Jordan's (or loafers or whatever shoes you're wearing).

    It's tough to raise our heads up, and I'll be the first one to say that I'm nowhere near okay. I'm still standing on the precipice--falling to my destruction is only a few clicks away. But I do have enough days of abstinence under my belt to say that this journey is fuckin' hard, but it's doable. I find that the more informed I am about what is going on, the healthier relationship I have with my problem. When I'm able to differentiate myself from my addiction, it's much easier to handle. When I start assuming that the depression and the feelings of worthlessness are a part of who I am is when I begin to surf the internet more, battle stronger urges, and feel shittier.

    I haven't had a wet dream in a while, nor any sexual fantasies or anything like that, but every once in a while I feel attraction towards a girl, and my dick rolls over in its metaphorical bed and get's a little more restless. But I'm still a long ways away from normalcy. And at least I'm aware of it. Because being addicted to this shit is a deep, deep break from reality. It lands us on Jupiter.

    God bless boys and good luck with everything. I'm doing my best to tell the truth and let people like me know what this journey is really like. Keep in mind that I watched some raunchy stuff and I did it for extended periods of time, so my pathways are deep as the Amazon, which I'm assuming is a deep river.
  11. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 137

    Going to take a break from the internet and technology. I find myself closest to relapse whenever I'm online (which makes sense).
  12. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 142

    I've had so many insights the past few days that I find myself needing to share with people who are willing to listen. A lot of them came after I read Gabe Deem's journal, who, by the way, is truly an amazing person and someone who should be listened to by anyone who has this problem. He takes an approach that is healthy and positive, and I recommend reading his story to all.

    I've had the best days of my adult life these past three days. I've never felt more normal and less shameful in my entire life (not counting childhood). This process is so fucking worth it I can't even begin to describe. And I'm sure I'm not out of the water yet, and more days of depression and anxiety are on the horizon, but this brief respite from all the pain of withdrawal has truly been tremendous.

    So one of the things that I wanted to say to everyone is that the road of recovery is really shitty. And I don't think this get's enough attention or mention. And I hate to say it because I'm afraid it might deter people from even trying to abstain, but I feel as if people need to be ready for withdrawal so when it happens they are able to separate themselves from their addiction. Because you will feel worthless, and isolated, and depressed. You'll have times when all the hope in life get's sucked out of you and the future looks as if it will play out like a horror movie. You'll feel as if all the mistakes you've made were on the level of felony, and that no one in the world gives a crap about you. You'll sleep like shit and have dreams that'll blow your mind. You'll start to think that you're a homo, or that you're terrible with girls, and that you're boners will never come back. But that's not you, it's your addiction. It's your brain. Separate yourself from your thoughts, be mindful.

    But then, all of a sudden, like a light switch, you'll snap out of it. Maybe for a day, maybe for a few hours. But you'll be on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. You'll feel alive, full of joy and filled with possibility. You'll realize all of your gifts and strengths, maybe for the first time in your life, and you'll begin to accept this addiction for what it is. A snowball that began to accumulate before you even knew what a snowball was. You were most likely a young kid who was like every other young kid: eating gushers, drinking sprites like they were waters, and seeking every pleasure that a young man could seek. You were after all of the good stuff. The video games, the snow days, the junk food. And then the porn. And then you woke up one day, at the age of 18, 19, 20, and realized that you were an addict. And that you felt shameful and lost, and that you were not realizing your potential at all. You were a young, scared kid trapped inside a man's body. When people referred to you as a man you cringed inside, because you didn't feel like one. What kind of man couldn't get control of his own dick. What kind of man couldn't trust himself to stop doing the very thing that was causing him so much pain and humiliation.

    We've all been there boys. This thing is a real demon. But it's beatable, and the more we connect with others and start learning about what is really happening in the brain, the easier it is to beat. I'd say the single thing that has helped me more than anything else has been education. Knowledge. Understanding that a.) this is a chemical, physical condition that makes complete sense scientifically. and b.) that there are plenty of other guys, just like me, who are suffering from the same thing, and more importantly, have overcome it. Read success stories, listen to podcasts. Immerse yourself for a while. I know a lot of people preach that it's best to try and forget, to focus on self-help books and getting your life in order. THAT'S BULLSHIT. That applies, maybe, to those who were not that addicted in the first place. But for guys like me who would punch themselves in the head after a relapse, forgetting about it does not fucking work. You need to do the opposite. You need to keep your eye on this addiction like a hawk. You need to watch its every move. You need to notice when you're feeling anxious, depressed. When your body is craving porn. you need to learn everything and accept the brevity of the situation. Because self-help books won't do shit if you're an addict. They'll make you feel good for an hour and that's it. The most self-help you can do is beat this fucking thing. Because until you do that your confidence will be shit and you won't trust yourself. No matter what goals you set you'll probably fail.

    I agree that at some point, wayyyyy down the line we should try and forget about the pain, and the guilt, and the depressions. But for now, seep yourself in that shit. Realize that this problem needs to be tackled before you tackle anything else. MAKE IT YOUR PRIORITY. Focus on getting a grip on it. Only then, one you've fully recognized this thing for what it is, will you be able to beat it.

    I realize I'm ranting but I so badly want people to save themselves because I'm just starting to feel like what it's like to be saved. I want to help others because I know that if not taken care of, this addiction will rob you of your potential. PERIOD.

    God bless boys and kick some ass. Day by day.
    Earthsnake likes this.
  13. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 145

    Back to having anxiety and depression. It's been a very roller-coaster-ey week for me. Maybe even month. This process is deeply felt in every thing that I do, and I still find that pornography seeking is still very much a part of my psyche. I can feel the urge to watch porn tugging at me all throughout the day, especially on the days when I'm feeling anxious and depressed.

    I also can still sense that I have my fetishes, which to me means that I still have a long way to go.

    This reboot is difficult in the sense that it is so unpredictable. All you can really do is go with the flow of things and wait for things to get better if they aren't. When the brain wants something that had been keeping it afloat for so long it's going to get pissed when you say no.

    I'm starting to figure out that when I was heavily addicted my memory of things was shit. Not until I started to quit did I retain much information. I still find myself seeing things through a haze, and my brain not working at capacity. I can only concentrate on things for short periods of time. It's almost as if my mind is wired for multiple tabs being open, filled with endless amounts of videos.

    Hope things get better again, and I believe they will. But no matter what, I'm never going to watch porn again. I never want to experience withdrawals like this, never never. They truly test our patience and fortitude, and I'm still in awe at how someone like Gabe Deem went through them without any knowledge of what was actually taking place. Astonishing.

    Good luck and God bless.
  14. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 148

    Feel great today. Hope it lasts for a while. No coincidence that my libido is also back. The two definitely go hand in hand.
  15. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 150

    I'm at 5 months which is great. Never made it this far in my life. Days are still back and forth, more negative than positive, but I do feel as if that will start to change in the coming months. I like the metaphor that compares our addictions to the body's reaction to hunger. When we haven't eaten for a while our body sends uncomfortable signals to us that get's us to eat. Similarly, our body thinks we haven't reproduced in a while when we abstain from PMO, so it sends the same kinds of signals to make us feel uncomfortable.

    Repairing our brains from years and years of damage isn't an easy process, and I've come to learn that this battle will go on for years. But I do expect it to get easier, and I can't wait until the day when I don't have to focus so much of my thoughts and energy to pornography. It's already taken up such a huge chunk of my life.

    All the best everyone. I think this issue will only get bigger and bigger as the younger generations grow up. I can't see any other alternative. Kids leave the womb with an iPhone in their hands. Hopefully the successes and triumphs we have will enable those same young guys to learn from us and rid themselves of this problem.
  16. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 155

    I'm really starting to turn the corner. The benefits aren't BAM in your face type things, but more like subtle realizations that you notice as you live life. Your underlying self-respect has no choice but to improve, which is probably the most important. But you also start seeing life differently, noticing things for the first time, and realizing how much different it all is without addiction. Without even trying you'll start learning more about yourself. You'll naturally gravitate towards certain things and away from others. You'll be shocked by how much your expectations of life go up. You no longer become okay with the status quo.

    Physically I'm off and on. Libido is still fleeting, but when it comes it's terrific. Boners have been few and far between, but I get so happy every time they come. I'm really starting to appreciate the little things, including my boners. They're little. No just kidding, they're average.

    In all seriousness though this process is insane. It's basically a second go at life. It's almost as if I'm living as an adult for the first time. Everything feels new, and I'm so excited to experience all of the things that I've been witnessing from the sidelines. Most of all, I can't wait until I get that first relationship that's healthy and based on friendship rather than porn fetishes and getting your rocks off as much as you can.

    Much love guys, this is a fuckin' battle. I want everyone to get rid of this crap.
  17. TheLongWalk

    TheLongWalk Guest

    I'm glad that you're having good success with your streak! I hope, I'll be in your shoes in the near future. Keep on!
  18. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    Day 157

    @TheLongWalk Thanks man. I read your journal, seems like you're doing well too. This shit takes time, so I'm not going to rush it. I'd rather feel anxious and depressed while not being a porn addict then the other way around. Any other preference is a rationalization.

    Today my libido is raging, at least in the morning. Mornings are always high libido times. I read somewhere that we have most testerone in the A.M. and that makes total sense to me.

    It's insane how libido equals good mood. The two are directly correlated, and I cannot stress that enough. And the reason I do stress it so much is because I need to remind myself that the lows and depressions I endure are not linked to my own psyche. They're a product of my addiction. Life is good when I have a libido, and since I'm working toward a healthier one, life will be good more and more.

    We do things, as men, so we can find a mate. At least as a single person. So when the driving force to find a mate is erased of course we are going to feel like shit. We have nothing to go after, nothing to strive for.

    Good luck everyone, and stay vigilant. Only way to beat this thing is to constantly flash your light of awareness on it. Keep it away from the shadows. It's okay to focus on the addiction until its gone, you have the rest of your life (hopefully) to begin worrying about other things. And I'm not trying to say to not search for your life's purpose. I'm all for that. But I think finding a purpose comes naturally and organically if we aren't addicted up to our eyeballs. We find out what we're interested in once we become less interested in porn.
  19. Dadoadd90

    Dadoadd90 Member

    Hi Zander, I read all your journal and I found it very useful. I'm only on day 5 (and my best streak is 25 days without p and m): sometimes you scared me but I think that it's better to be prepared and to know what to expect.

    Congratulation for your 157 days clean, you are inspiring and I'll keep reading your journal.

    I wish you the best!
  20. Zander

    Zander Active Member

    @Dadoadd90 Hey man. Good to hear from you. I read your journal and it seems like you're doing well. So is No Arousal the avoidance of anything that arouses you, like movies/tv/ads/fantasy? And yeah, I'm just trying to be as honest as I can because as I go through this, it's always nice to read posts that help me feel less alone when it comes to the anxiety and depression. For me, when coupled with a lifeless dick, life is no cake walk, but it always helps to know that others are going through similar stuff. Good luck as you ontinue your journey, because that's exactly what this is. And the further you progress the more you'll realize how much of a journey it is. I almost see it as this: you gotta be able to endure the hard times in order to feel the good ones.

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