I'm a 25 year old male who's been trying to quit watching porn for 6 years. My first sexual encounter was at age 17 and it was a failure. I eventually was able to have a several relationships during high school and college but they were always marred by my addiction. Things ebbed and flowed, but for the most part I was never able to feel the full effects of a healthy sexual experience. Porn dominated the interactions whether I knew it or not. I was after the feelings and sensations of sex and orgasm and not the spiritual enlightenment and emotional bonding that supposedly happens when you do it with a girl and you're not addicted up to your eyeballs. The last two years of my life have been the worst sexually. I've had a few encounters that have never lasted more than one or two nights, and they felt unnatural and downright sickening. I felt empty and alone after I'd release. Disconnected from the world. My worst porn watching period began around my junior and senior years of high school. At that point I had no idea how bad watching porn was, so I would smoke weed and binge until 3 in the morning almost every night. I'd masturbate until my dick hurt, and I'd watch every genre imaginable. Rape, incest, shemale. Just the fuckin worst kind of videos. I'd go until peeing became painful. I'd even get a blister every now and again. Really awful stuff. My freshman of college was when I discovered that porn was a problem, and I've been trying to quit ever since. That's 6 years of trying and failing. My longest streak was 120 days, and that was because I was trying to stay sober for a girl I was in pseudo-love with. I've since had streaks of 10,20,30,40,50,60. You name it really. When I relapse, it's an automatic binge. Then I'll mess up for a few weeks before I get back on the wagon, have a streak from white-knuckling, then start it all over. Years and years of trying and failing. Years of losing faith in myself, and isolating myself from everything and everyone that I loved. Pure misery. And I really became focused only on incest. That's probably the most shameful thing of all, because, in my eyes, that's the sickest kind out there. Today I'm 106 days sober but far as fuck from the finish line. I feel like I'm just getting started. But I will say that I'm more confident than ever before that I can win. I go to SA meetings, AA meetings, and have opened up to many people about it. That was key for me, breaking the isolation. You must do this. It's hard, and I still haven't even scratched the surface of specifics, but telling people who love you is key brothers. I've also become more in-tune with myself and rely less on an autopilot mode. The more you understand what you're feeling and thinking the easier it is to realize a craving is coming and to combat it. I've also lived in isolation from the internet, living in an apartment without wifi and using a flip phone. Both tough things to do but necessary for me. I guess beating this thing became my number one priority, and once that happened I took the correct steps. This is another huge factor in winning, realizing the severity of our problem and how much it has affected every single part of our lives. I also have found a higher power, even though I haven't been as good with it as of late. I intend to improve upon that as this journal and journey progresses. My actual life is private to me, but let's just say I've had ups and downs. I'm by no means a social or societal failure, but I do feel like an outsider and sometimes a failure. I have high standards for myself and I'm still waiting to reach them. I'll keep you updated. So, to end, I want to journal so I can continue to stay mindful and aware of moods and libido, etc. I will definitely say that having a libido equals having a good, or at least normal day. When my balls feel all tight and my dick feels like a lifeless chicken neck is when I feel the worst emotionally. Dead inside, without a compass. When my brain is starving for that porn binge, nothing else in life will take its place, and all I can hope is that my brain is plastic enough to change that. Only time will tell.