Journal: Positive Steps

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Kick, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Had a productive day yesterday, went to study this morning and did so for an hour, but then had a two hour nap. C'est la vie.
    Going to study again after I write this and then go for a bit of a hike.
    Feeling libidinous
     
  2. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling a bit flat today. Had a D&D session planned out with some friends, but one of them is having family trouble, so it got cancelled.

    Kind of bummed out about that.

    Learning that perceptions come before thoughts and feelings. This is a good thing to recall if I get in a foul mood. The classic example is road rage, driving behind someone who is doing 20 below the limit is infuriating to some people. But if we break down what is happening it goes like this: We see that there's a car in front of us, then we start thinking things like "I'm going to be late, that person is stupid and should drive faster, how did they get their licence anyway?!" Two thoughts on that process - the first is that our rage is useless and flaccid. The person in front of us won't drive faster no matter how angry we feel about them. The second, is that our thoughts are the catalyst for our irritation. The way we frame the situation - the being late, the feeling of being 'stuck' in traffic etc - is the fuel for our emotion. If we leave the situation exactly as it is, without colouring it with our thoughts and feelings and cognitions, it's something like this "I am driving." The moment we start throwing labels out there and let our attention get sucked into this wormhole of frustration, we lose our peace of mind. The worst part is that we do it to ourselves. The situation is simply happening, but we make it to be this god awful nightmare of being forced to drive slower than we’d like and that we’re going to be late and that the person in front of us is a fucking idiot and a this and a that. It’s easy to think that way. But wouldn’t it be better to just enjoy the drive, regardless of circumstance?

    Anyway, that probably applies to a bunch of things.

    Right now it looks like I'm 5 days MO free. I've had a couple of urges to look up P.

    That book called Feeling Good is great and I'm reading another short one called Tribe and it's about how our society isolates us. That people hundreds or thousands of years ago spent a lot more time as a unit, in a family, helping each other and experiencing the same problems. It talks about how veterans coming back from war, and even civilians in war, kind of miss that deconstruction of law and state as it stands in society usually and the closeness that being huddled together with people in the same situation as you brings.
     
  3. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd just now ending a 7 day streak. Didn't look at porn, but looked at a video where you practice maintaining eye contact.......... man I'm the weirdest fucker on the planet lol.
    I'm thinking the only things unhealthy about MO for me at the moment are:
    • Doing it to death/too frequently
    • Deathgripping or even going at it without lube
    • Forcing it, eg. manually trying to generate arousal when I don't feel like it all
    • Guilt tripping myself afterwards, I noticed after I MO'd just now that I immediately started to go down this rabbit hole of thoughts that's like: "That video totally counts as porn", "What a gross habit", "I shouldn't do this" and I think those thought patterns are like a throwback to how when I was younger my Mum would lay down the guilt if she ever caught me MOing, I've got to realise that MOing is a normal, natural thing to do, not some form of self-violation. If it weren't for guilty thoughts triggering feelings of guilt after I jerk it, I think I'd feel pretty clear, maybe with a mild afterglow
    On another note, I've been really thinking about going to the brassers and I'm really unsure about it (I've never been before)..... Mind, I was thinking that before I MO'd - when my libido was at it's highest. That state obviously has an effect on my desire. Maybe I should just MO and save myself the money. Or, even better than that, find myself an FB or girlfriend.

    I need to throw myself out there a bit more - join Toastmasters or something of the sort...
    also, go back to the gym**
     
  4. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    PMO'd day before yesterday.

    Had the week off, just been chilling

    Had a moment of intense guilt and existential dread last night when I was going to sleep -> thought that I've got nothing to show for my life -> but I've got to realise that I'm still only 24, I've had a lot of fun and I wouldn't have it any other way
     
  5. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO last night. Been in a decent place mentally. Haven't been MOing often. Working a bit, keen to get into the gym again. Uni exams coming up in a week or two, feeling almost ready for them. Keen for a bit of a break from Uni, it'll give me plenty of time to go the gym, read and work on D&D.
     
  6. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling good today, went to get some new lenses in my glasses and held steady eye contact and smiled at the technician there. It felt good and natural. I wasn't forcing it, it kind of just happened. Same with my posture, usually I slouch a bit, but today I've been making efforts to stand straight (more than I do usually).

    As for the whole ED thing, well, I've been doing kegels about 3-5 times a week for the last two weeks. It's early days, but it seems to helping. I've been waking up with decent-ish wood and have woken up with nocturnal erections several times. I just seem a little bigger in the mirror too. Going to keep this up. All I've been doing is kegels whilst sitting - holding a strong contraction for 10 seconds, 10 times, sometimes more than that.

    Getting keen on going to the gym again

    Also, making an effort to avoid Youtube/social media, especially early in the day.
     
  7. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO just now, EQ was okay
     
  8. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Got a stomach bug. And PMOd yesterday.
     
  9. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling good
     
  10. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Got some shit news today. PMO
     
  11. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Came so close to PMO yesterday, I'd call it peeking, but I didn't get hard or anything like that.

    My mood has been up and down lately, but I feel like I'm shedding some dead weight and am going to make some decisions soon that will bring me some more joy
     
  12. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Work's stressing me out lately, two more days of it then I get a couple of weeks off.

    D&D is so much fun

    Been doing body weight and DB exercises this month, kind of challenging myself to bulk up a little bit. Planning on going back to the gym soon, I feel like it'll help me gain confidence and vent some frustration

    Probably could do with getting some more sleep (and getting a sleeping pattern)

    as for ED ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
     
  13. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO day before yesterday (Friday the 13th)

    Feeling spread too thin today, straight up irritable, restless and hard to find satisfaction. Gonna take a shower. Have a cup of tea. Try go to bed early tonight.
     
  14. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    PMO yesterday
     

Share This Page