Journal: Positive Steps

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Kick, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Okay feeling much better

    Worked, hit the sauna about to have some lunch then have a brief nap and study
  2. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd just now

    I remember reading somewhere that testosterone levels increase if men don't jerk it for a week+ but decrease at around the 1 month mark. Going to try for a couple of weeks no MO. Especially after my slip up on Monday.
  3. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd again last night - 2 in one night. Haven't done that in a while. Still, I woke up with MW.
  4. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Met up some friends to play ping pong and have a dip in their spa and to jam too. Was pretty fun. I managed to talk the talk at some points and wasn't as anxious as I usually am around folks - and that was before I had a glass of wine. It wasn't that hard to keep my head up
  5. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today: read a bunch, 12 steps, crime and punishment and some part of a module for environmental studies.

    Went for a walk and did some core exercises and am probably going to hit the sauna after I do a practice quiz for environmental studies.

    Feeling alright

    Still a bit bummed about losing my lady friend though, several times a day a thought will pop up and a few times I've been sucked into it. It's a bit of a drag. Just missing sex and intimacy mostly. And I see that a relationship with a girl is a surefire way to get a better sense of myself and a way of course-correcting. Like you know how some things can correct their course if you go off the wrong way? I think that if we really listen to a person's responses to our words and actions we can gauge whether they're hitting the mark or not. We can see if they're repulsive or attractive. So it is with a girlfriend.

    I think I've got a lot of faulty values and beliefs when it comes to girls, I'm a bit of a mix-match between red pill philosophy, pick-up knowledge and societal norms (from friends, parents etc). I don't know what I really want when it comes to women... although the thought of becoming a PUA and having sex a lot is attractive. But perhaps that's only because a deeper value structure isn't what it should be. Perhaps I need to drop some of the PUA ideals, like notch counts, ruthless manipulation, sociopathy, perhaps I need to drop the desire to 'make up for lost time' and other vengeful kind of thoughts and instead replace them with what makes a man attractive - a mission, being good at something, being witty and a good listener and taking care of my health and hygiene.. What else is there?
  6. Kick

    Kick Active Member


    So the ex-lady friend unfriended me on Facebook and my blood just felt like it turned to hot lead and my body sank through the floor

    I was kind of hoping she'd want to get back with me after a while

    But that's been shot down

    all hope for her is lost

    relationships are hard

    it's funny, i sent a few messages to some girls on POF just before I saw that and here I am getting crushed

    I shouldn't continue this thought but maybe I should have tried to keep her, when she sent a break up msg I just said "ok take care of yourself" instead I could've apologised for having a shitty date with her last time, I'm really at a loss


    PS; I went to a party last week where there was a 5:1 girl to guy ratio (I didn't bust any moves lol because I'm an AFC) and I was tagged in a photo with them all. Maybe the ex-lady friend saw that and then unfriended me. Maybe she just unfriended me because we're not friends anymore.

    Sigh I kind of want to message her but I don't want to be weak. I don't want to say things that make me weak.

    This is so ridiculous
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2018
  7. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Had an enlightening session with the shrink. He suggested that I was being too manly with my ex after her op when what she really needed was more compassion and a more feminine touch. He also suggested that androgynous men are typically more attractive to women.. Balance. Anyway, he also said that I should message her and say, "Hey x I saw my psychologist and we were talking about you and he said that I should I ask you if I was lacking anything - if something that I was doing was putting you off, knowing that, I can grow. After I told him about our relationship he suggested that I wasn't very compassionate around the time of your op and that resonated with me. Sorry if I was a douchebag when you just needed someone to listen to you."

    Might send it, probably will

    He's also thinking I should see a psychiatrist lmao why not
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2018
    1234dyl likes this.
  8. FritzBrause

    FritzBrause “You dogs, do you want to live for ever?”

    If you mean what you're writing, that's a good idea.
  9. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Yeah @FritzBrause I do feel pretty guilty about it.

    I've been trying too hard to be alpha man. Time to be myself.

    Pretty gluttonous weekend. Ate a lot of chocolate yesterday and today and got pretty drunk on Friday night. Had a pretty decent time.

    Also played some vidya, as always, a part of me wants to play but another part knows how shitty I'll feel if I do.

    Played a lot of guitar and have been working on some licks and progressions, when I got to write music it's typically a slugfest where it's me vs. the computer/recording software/click track. Thinking now that this is not the optimal way to write a song and that maybe I should rely more on working memory, ie. writing the whole thing (or most of it) before sitting down and recording it. That way the songs I write become more ingrained in my memory and I think I'd finish them too. At the moment, I write a couple of progressions, record it, save it and then rarely return to it.

    Anyway. Been intermittent fasting and trying to make sure I'm in bed at 10PM and waking at 7AM. Fasting from 4PM until 7~ breakfast.

    What else?

    Oh I never messaged the ex because I'm a coward and want to see my shrink again before I do. I'm afraid to take big steps in life.

    ...just messaged her. yolo
  10. FritzBrause

    FritzBrause “You dogs, do you want to live for ever?”

    It's good that you did. Wether or not you are too "alpha male" is up to you and your therapist.
    I didn't get the impression that you were hugely inconsiderate from what you wrote.
    Unless you brought something like "So after your plumbing is ready to go again, want to smash?".

    I may have misunderstood, but you knew each other just a couple weeks, yes? In that case i think it would have been adequate to just wish her the best
    for the operation and ask her how she is doing afterwards.
  11. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Yeah I was overthinking it. Thanks for writing again Fritz.

    Been a decent week, worked, and done a tiny bit of Uni. Playing lots of guitar and listening to some music.
    Also been fasting from 4:30PM-7:30AM most days, feels good to not be bloated and full of sugar. It's early days, but I feel like I'm leaner.
    Went for a run first thing this morning and saw the shrink afterwards, he said that quite often when something negative happens, I personalise it, make it my fault, I feel guilty, like a failure and subsequently try to find a fix to make myself feel better. He said maybe I shouldn't take these things to heart and that I should - at the very least- look at the broader picture - six months ago I was smoking pot every night, spending my time in a nihilistic haze with. Now I'm doing things that mean something to me...
  12. FritzBrause

    FritzBrause “You dogs, do you want to live for ever?”

    Yes, if you can harness this feeling of achievement to drive you onwards further, that is very useful. Whenever i really get something done, it's because i manage to get into a mood where i like being someone who gets things done.

    Has she written back?
  13. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    She wrote back and put it down to us being quite different with regards to our values and opinions. When I first read her response, I was filled with denial... all the pick up stuff I've read and heard over the years suggests that you can be attractive to any woman and have enough game to attract them and that it's your own fault if the girl doesn't like you. So I instantly came to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough. Same old self-pitying story. It's a shame really that I jump to these conclusions so often when the tiniest thing doesn't work out how I'd hoped. In reality her and I are very different people and I got stars in my eyes thinking otherwise.

    Anyway, I'm feeling much better about it all today, in fact I can't recall thinking about her once. It's funny how we change. Sometimes change is what I hate the most in life, yet at other times it's a total relief.

    Today I went to theatre with the Doc and met an orthoptist, she was really friendly and informative and told me a lot about her career and I was really amazed. Gave me a lot of useful knowledge.
    I came home, killed some time, finished Crime and Punishment - what a bloody good ending - having some beautiful ideal to put our hopes in makes any trial, tribulation or amount of suffering, worthwhile. It's probably worth reading it again.
    Went for a run - feel like I'm developing some endurance - and just had a large meal. My fasting is starting to go off the rails. I'm considering changing my protocol so that I skip breakfast. I saw my GP and he said he has a large fatty meal for dinner and that's it Mon-Fri and eats more or less whatever on the weekends... Food for thought.

    As for this whole PMO thing, I MO'd yesterday, and I've been taking Korean Red Ginseng in the mornings for the last few weeks. However, I took it in the morning and with dinner last night and woke up with rock solid nocturnal wood. Thank god. I was getting worried that I wasn't capable of achieving wood anymore - my EQ has been pretty poor lately.

    Anyway, I think that's it for now

  14. Kick

    Kick Active Member


    Resubbed to WoW, MO'd once a day the last two days and PMO'd just before. First time in months and months.

    Still did most of my studies, but I feel like I'm burning myself out on them - doing the things that are taxing my willpower a lot.

    Anyway, I figured that when I MO I'm really after the O and conditioned myself to death grip and tense PC muscle. I knew this, but not until reading somewhere that my body doesn't see the need to get hard if I can O without it.

    So I've got to take steps to either no MO as much or if I do, never ever death grip/clench PC and use lube and not race to the finish so to speak

    edit: PMO'd again .. feels like cheap thrills
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2018
  15. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Don’t slip down the PMO path dude
  16. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Yeah you're right man. Had a look last night and just felt icky afterwards
    1234dyl likes this.
  17. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Sigh PMO'd again yesterday. Not sure if it's placebo, but feeling duller. Conscience feels guilty.

    I wasn't even getting that hard with porn. I've gotta get clean.

    Going to put a blocker on porn..
    ..and on Youtube.
  18. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling a bit dopa-fried at the moment. Regretting my foray into PMO land. Thinking now that I should put extra steps in place to prevent access to porn sites.

    Keen for a few days off from work, just one more day and then I'm free for a little while.

    Little things are irritating me immensely at the moment.
  19. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Holidays for a couple of weeks

    Feeling good today

    MO'd last night, no P.
  20. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd last night.

    Feeling good, I'm reading a book called Feeling Good. It's great, it's challenging a lot of my beliefs and thought patterns.

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