Journal: Positive Steps

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Kick, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Sooooo tired

    Maybe it's the heat

    JP's book is great

    Addicted to Critical Role it seems

    Probably going to see a friend soon to play music and/or halo

    Keen for work and to see my girl again

    Keen for Uni to start but am worried that I'll burnout again. JP says to reward ourselves for our efforts, I need to get that balance right. I'm just not sure how to reward myself for efforts. It seems like I'll do a few days of work, of gym, reading, sorting out Uni or something like that an then run out of steam and turn into goo, binge-watching YT, scoffing chocolate and being slothful.......
     
  2. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    What to write about

    Seen the shrink twice this week

    Had a rubbish date with the girl last night, she said something very hurtful at the end, (we were talking about previous relationships and about one of mine where I broke it off) "I think breaking up with her was for the best, that way she would hate you rather than hate herself." I immediately thought, "What the fuck do you know? Ar you saying that because you are insecure about us and would rather me break it off so you can hate me and not hate yourself?" But I didn't say it. I didn't say anything. I drove her to her car and did not speak a word except for "Bye." I was in a very bitter mood all day, until I saw the shrink. He helped me re-frame it, I was blaming myself for her saying that, and it might be her problems coming up.

    The shrink says I need to work on my self-confidence and self-acceptance. I don't know how to do either of those things.

    Going to go to Uni on Friday to sort out my degree once and for all. Also got to call an old workplace to get some payslips for the Centrelink debacle.

    There's still a negative voice inside me that gnaws at the root of experience, it tells me what is wrong with what's happening, my problems, it judges - harshly. Maybe it is quietening down. Maybe not. It reminds me of a young child throwing a tantrum or a judgemental, callous parent. It sucks, there are moment where I lose myself and express things so well, so clearly, that I can hardly believe I say them.. at those times I believe that I'm free of that critical voice, I'm flowing. Other times though, I'm trapped by it, stuck in a jail cell while the guards hurl insults and abuse.

    I don't want to live that way anymore.. It seems the more I dig around with these voices the more trouble I get myself in. I'm hoping that something will click and the penny will drop, but until that moment happens - if that moment happens - I'm going to be fighting myself. There's got to be a way out of this loop. Maybe I just drop the whole idea. Drop the idea of flow and of the critical voice. Let them be, but detach from them.

    Fucks me

    Anytime I think it makes things worse, just now I was about to start writing about the girl again, but it was only going to be about the bad. I was about to write the whole thing up as a hopeless shit-show. I was about to remind myself of what is better left unsaid.

    Good venting session

    seeeeeeya
     
  3. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    At least you’re working on yourself man.. there are always positives to take
     
  4. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Yeah always, but it's the game of black and white then - you can find positives just as well as you can find negatives. I guess I've been seeing the glass half-empty. This is unwise and that's my trouble, when something bad happens I start becoming negative so quickly and get stuck in it.

    Feeling better today, getting a few jobs done. Saw the girl for a cup of tea last night and she seems kind of distant, I try to be present with her, make her laugh, make conversation, but it's hard. A couple of weeks back I was killing it! I was blowing her mind but now I feel kind of needy. Got to avoid this and become realistic. My shrink says I should try find an older girl who can take the reins in a relationship a bit more.. I'd like my relationship that I have to develop a bit more. To flourish. It feels that it all lies on me. I think I can do it. I already am the person that I want to be, but when I think too much and get bogged down in concepts and analysis of anything and everything I lose that. I lose the confident, aloof, witty bastard and am replaced by a child that seems to be pulling at the hems of dresses of people trying to capture attention. Just let it happen!

    Home alone tonight, was a little tempted to try get my hands on some pot. But I'll be mindful of urges, have a bath, do some yoga and have a read instead.

    Also tempted to start looking into PUA/game again. It's been many months since I have. On one hand it seems like a way to learn how to become better with the ladies. On the other hand, it makes my efforts feel flaccid, it makes me feel as though I'm falling short of a standard set by PUAs. In any interaction, a part of me knows how well it could be going, but for whatever reason it isn't. I begin blaming myself and chalking it up as inadequacy... which in turn, kills the connection.

    Enough wide-eyed talk. I'm going to get shit done
     
  5. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling good

    Saw the girl this morning - we arrived at work at the same time - so I got to give her a quick smooch .. feelsgoodman

    Worked and been feeling good

    Gonna do a tiny bit of study, then dinner, then off to practice drums
     
    1234dyl likes this.
  6. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Niiiiice, going all in!
     
  7. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Caught up with the girl last night for a cuppa'. It was good, we bantered a bit, I made her laugh a bit, but sadly she can't have sex for the next two weeks because she has to have an op 'down there'. I got a little paranoid that she's testing me to see whether I like her for her or whether I like her for sex. I actually told her this when she broke the news and she laughed. She seemed legit.

    Anyway, I MO'd that night before bed, kind of regrettably, but I'm not beating myself up for it (no pun intended).

    Finding that truth is key to my success with goals, with life. Instead of being a fence sitter, I'm standing up for what I believe and feel and expressing myself a bit more. It helps in observing thought patterns and old ways of thinking too. It helps me rid myself of resentment - lying or withholding opinions creates inner tension and conflict where you feel as though you're right and other people are just idiots because they're expressing their opinion and you're keeping this know-it-all feeling inside because you don't want to cast pearls before swine, or, more likely, you're too scared to say what you really think for fear of being judged. I've been guilty of that for a long time... and it's a shame that I've been a culprit to it for so long, but on the flip side, I'm only 24, there's lots of time to tell the truth.

    Anyhow, I'm gonna' start doing some kegels. I feel like I can get sufficiently aroused. Heck, I think I'm cured, judging by the successful sex I've had lately. It just feels like I'm still not quite 100% hard, perhaps my pelvic floor is to blame. Reasons for thinking this:
    -Glans is usually slow to expand/fill fully
    -Orgasms are not that powerful in terms of velocity

    I'm hoping that my pelvic floor isn't too tight, but I have been very careful not to squeeze lately, for months and months. Another reason I think kegels might help is that I used to be able to kegel with enough force to withhold an orgasm so I would last longer, but I've been trying that and it's not strong enough! Thus leading me to the conclusion that it is weaker than it was and should be strengthened. I hope I'm right!

    peace
     
  8. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Got blood test results back today, found out that I may have a chance of having a genetic mutation which can lead to a higher risk of cardiovascular disease and inflammation. Got another blood test done today to check this, results to come in a couple of weeks..

    My bloods were good, but vitamin D was low, so I'm going to start supplementing for that. I'm about to jump into a rabbit hole to find it's effects on testosterone, ED and energy levels.

    Been waking up with fairly solid wood

    seeing the girl on saturday

    going to be studying soon
     
  9. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Did you have to pay for your blood test mate? I’m thinking about getting one, or start to give blood if that gets me a free check up.. but that probably won’t be thorough
     
  10. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    @1234dyl Didn't pay a cent for the standard blood test, but the extra genetic testing will cost $70 (I'm in Australia). See your GP and ask them about it!

    Worked this morning, saw the physio, going to be diligent with the exercises he's given me. Also had a massage, bought a new pillow and surprised my girl by visiting her when she finished work.

    Haven't dedicated myself to study yet, I've been kinda' busy. It's a matter of sitting down, shutting up and getting to work.

    Umm what else? Reading more, using smart phone less.

    Kegels 3 times a week.

    Supplementing 4000IU of Vitamin D and will taper after a week or two, just want to quickly get my levels where they should be.
     
  11. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Ever thought of just going in the sun more? Or getting on a tanning bed?? I do this like maybe once or twice a month and it doesn’t look obvious to anyone that I use it. And I think the skin cancer risk is negligible when used responsibly.
     
  12. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    @1234dyl Yes I have thought about it, but I'm lazy as fuck and tanning beds are banned in Australia.. Taking the supplement is most convenient for me.

    Had an okay weekend, saw the girl and am realising more and more that I'm a prick, a sarcastic Mr Know-It-All. Like, I was just talking about presence and just crap really, was saying it to be right, not to make the girl happy or anything. But it's not like she was saying many things to make me happy either. That sounds kind of toxic. After we had our date I was so flat, I just went home and lay down for an hour and I recall doing nothing except declining an invitation to see some friends and watching Critical Role on Youtube for hours. I MO'd that night too when I was trying to sleep.

    Regarding the girl, who knows. I think I'm too socially inept now to deal with folks and honestly feel like crawling into the fetal position. Reason being that I'm over-analysing everything. Got to stop that.

    Studied a little bit on Saturday, worked out some and I'm doing some exercises the physio recommended me to do everyday.

    Tonight I'm probably going to read, have a bath, do some yoga and meditate and go to bed
     
  13. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling better the last couple days. Clearer, more present. Realised I was trapped way up in my head with tiny, wriggling, anxious thoughts, kind of felt like lifting up a boulder and seeing all the creepy-crawlies bolt off any which-way when I meditated the other night. Found some peace. Anyway, the trouble might be that I was setting myself expectations for my mood and how it wasn't okay to feel the way I was feeling. Like I was expecting to be in a good mood all the time. That's probably unrealistic, and the worst part of that is that it became a feedback loop where I'd notice that I was feeling shitty and anxious, I'd then reference my expectation of feeling good, clear, content and feel even worse when I realised that my mood wasn't anywhere close to those expectations.

    Anyway, feeling a lot better today and have already done a few things that give me some semblance of satisfaction - like I'm setting up the day to be a good one.

    When I MO'd last week I failed to mention that I did so with the audio from an ASMR video playing in the background. I wasn't consciously paying attention to it, but it was still there.

    Anyway, with my flat mood, my libido has been down and I haven't been able to see the girl since I saw her last week. I'm keen to have sex with her again, but I can't imagine the relationship lasting that long. There is a positive to this and I think I might be able to have the relationship teach me a few things about myself and how to be with women... I'm kind of planning on using it to up my game a few notches so I can start being a bit of a casanova. lmao
    1) use the relationship to become more of a player
    2) learn more about what repulses me about people - eg. what habits they have/don't have
    3) becoming more present with girls and less in my head

    Ultimately, staying the course is what will make me more attractive. Keeping up with studies, creating music, staying fit (and looking fit) and having friends will all lead me to being in a good place.

    On that note, I'm pretty keen to get back to the gym, I've been doing home workouts, but I feel like lifting heavy stuff will boost my testosterone, neuroplasticity, mood etc
     
  14. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Feeling good. I think MO may have an impact on mood and attention span for a few days after. It's slight and usually fairly manageable, but I feel a bit more doughy than I'd like.

    Been meditating lots and doing a fair bit of yoga.

    Only thing that is kind of bothering me is that the girl hasn't replied to a message and seems to have gone a little silent.. but it's not bothering me that much. The implications of her suddenly not liking me bother me, mostly because I won't have a girl to have sex with and hang out with. I might be shallow lmao.

    I've got this whole Red Pill philosophy lurking within me when it comes to relationships: don't be 'beta' eg. too self-sacrificing, too nice, too much of a yes-man. Be witty, charming, stern.

    On another girl-related note, a young girl came in for a trial at work today, she was cute, probably too young. But I noticed this fucked up thing about me - I saw her immediately as a possibility for a relationship, or sex even. This is fucked up! That makes me anxious from the get go, like I've got to perform and be 'all that' if I want to get with her or have her like me.. If I think that way, I'm ruined. I won't treat her as a person as cliche as that sounds. I won't be able to develop a connection even on a platonic basis. Another thing, it immediately places the girl on a pedestal, something to get, to attain, to bow down to in a sense... It kind of makes me subservient. All of this is unattractive and just kind of loathsome. It's living scarce - like I must worship all women because they must like me because there might not be another one kind of living. It makes all girls more special and immediately there's a gap between me and them. Glad I figured this out just now.

    Anyway, going to chill a little then study, then bedtime rituals.. peace
     
  15. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Yeah so you’re coming from an abundance mindset, I think that’s a good think even if it’s an exterior.

    I think The trick is to pretend that you’re in abundance, fake it till you make it!

    Speak to her as if you were speaking to a girl you’re not that attracted to. So voice is on one level, not waving high pitched up and down. Don’t be afraid of eye contact or feel as if you’re the lucky one to be having the interaction etc.. I don’t see the problem in you doing all these things to ensure the relationship develops or whatever.. you’re playing the game.

    I assume you’re aware of RSD.. well those guys have that much experience of sub communication etc that their natural state is now that abundance mindset.. and surely that’s a good thing? Not to be relying on the outcome of anything and not stressing about if a girl leaves you etc
     
  16. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    That’s a strange paradox though.. your attempts not to be beta make you more beta in the end


    I guess the natural progression is to stop worrying about being beta or alpha or anything and just be you.


    Which contradicts what I just wrote a second ago.

    I’m too tired to be on here lol
     
    Kick likes this.
  17. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Hey Dyl, thanks for your insight - yeah, I'm aware of the RSD guys, used to watch a bunch, but it kind of made me feel even more inferior - like, it made me aware of what is possible and how I'm too scared to go after it. And yes it is a total paradox. The old platitude "Be yourself" is probably what I should stick to... But what that is, I'm not too sure. It feels like I've been conditioned by myself and by others to be a nice guy over the years, I don't take control in situations and don't trust my instincts. So perhaps that's what I need to be courageous enough to do - trust instincts and take the lead. When I do I'm way more natural and confident. Generally speaking, more attractive.

    Anyway, the girl ended it via message this morning.. I'm feeling okay about it, I hadn't developed strong feelings for her, the thing I'll miss most is the sex and the female company. So, I'm back in'scarcity'. I might go out on the town tonight and try talk to some girls. See what happens.

    Really need to move out. I think that's crucial to my success with girls.

    Been meditating and doing yoga and shitload and getting Uni done. Feels good. It's creating a feedback loop that's very positive. When I finish my studies for the day and when I really understand the concepts it's really satisfying - I feel that natural reward that for so long I thought I'd never be able to feel again due to all the PMO and drugs and cheap kicks. I thought I was broken, but thanks to the brain being so adaptable, I see that I'm not and that things are getting better all the time.
     
  18. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Got pretty drunk last night. It was fun, but the hangover today has compounded my self-doubt and self-loathing to the nth degree.. also, anxiety.

    Just listened to some music and feel much better and ready to face the world... I also made a decision to stop hesitating and say what I think and feel with less of a filter. If something needs filtering, I figure I can adjust my course and do it after the event. Seriously, I spend so much of my time cutting myself off and judging myself before I even speak. It's self-oppression and self-denial. What the fuck is going to happen in my life if I spend it saying nothing, being nothing? The word is powerful, especially that which flows forth naturally and fluidly. When I was drunk I had that confidence to made ridiculous jokes, be the centre of attention and speak deeply and loudly. I can do it when I'm sober if I quit the hesitation and quit all the head games - I'm so quick to shoot myself down, I tell myself I'm unworthy, or no one wants to listen. I said to my ex - when I was on one of these fluid, podium moments - you've got to say things that you yourself are interested in and that interest transfers to other people. It gives you the onus to continue and a seriously strong backbone. Do not falter.

    Anyway, was getting down about being dumped earlier but I feel better now. What else? Chill out today and tonight, go hard tomorrow.

    Peace
     
  19. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd in the wee hours of this morning when I woke up mid-sleep. I did so because it was a reward for doing the things I said I'd do, but it didn't feel that good - I couldn't get that hard and the O wasn't very fulfilling. So I might go again tonight.

    Also, was looking up escort services yesterday - I never thought I'd do that when I was younger, but here I am at 24 years old. I should just move out and start going hard on tinder instead of soliciting sex lmao

    Also, I should avoid binge drinking

    peace
     
  20. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Fucksake

    Fuck fucking fuck

    I was just MOing and ended up looking up bikini models. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Impulsiveness was high tonight - eating chocolate, video games, youtube, mental masturbation - I looked up the game subreddit and felt inspired to keep charting the course - the study, the fitness, meditation, the reading etc etc so that's what I'll do - but I ended up jerking it PMOing sigh

    I'm off to do some yoga and meditate

    peace
     

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