Journal: Positive Steps

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Kick, Feb 17, 2015.

  1. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Hey everyone,

    I've lurked these sites for years and decided it's time to make a journal.

    I'm 21, been MOing since 12, and PMOing since 14. Addiction grew worse and worse over the years, deathgripped, PMO'd while stoned when I could from 18 until last year.

    I haven't looked at porn since late last year, but I'm still very addicted to the rush of MOing itself. I still don't get full erections and lack that feeling of true arousal which I can't even remember anymore, I MO just for the high, the rush, not because it feels like a biological need, it feels like lighting a cigarette or taking that first swig of a beer.

    My morning woods are coming back quite frequently and I woke up from a dream last night with a raging hard on that I would daresay was 100%. I thought I was cured from that, but I realise now that I still have a long way to go in fixing myself. Anyway, I feel like I need a clean break from all of that, to take my mind and energy and use them on something better.

    This year, I have been eating healthier than ever and making habits out of yoga, meditation and general exercise. I plan on going back to University (I quit when it got too tough because I was a bitch) and I have dreams of becoming a Doctor. There is still more I could do however...

    I still am holding myself back, I have a stack of books that I should read, a guitar that gets more attention from dust than from fingers, friends that I never make the effort to see, a potential girlfriend who my mind's too in knots to make a decision on and a tendency to stick myself to my computer for hours and hours playing video games or watching Youtube.

    My life is waiting to be started, but I stray from it, instead killing time, procrastinating.

    So tomorrow I will challenge myself to avoid video games, to go for a walk, to spend hours and hours reading and getting ahead on University studies. There is so much more to life, so much adventure outdoors and in books.
    Mcgregor likes this.
  2. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today was a good day.

    It's obvious that when I don't play video games or spend hours watching Youtube that I spend my time in far better ways. Today, I didn't play video games at all or watch anything on Youtube. Instead, I woke up, had breakfast, did some lawn mowing, went for a walk which escalated into a run, did some chores around the house, drove to the shops and got my hands on some exercise books for University, did some yoga and exercises, read a few chapters of The Count of Monte Cristo, made some dinner and have been getting a headstart on some study for semester one which starts again in two weeks. I've been listening to an audio channel with singing bowls whilst studying and I think that it's helping me focus. Maybe that's placebo, even so, I'm glad of it.

    Despite all these things I did to occupy my time I did MO today. I was reading and had a "Fuck it." moment. I must try to become more aware of these moments. Forgetting I have a dick for a few months would do me a world of good.

    Work tomorrow and band practice in the evening. Must make the effort to read before I go to band practice.

    Off now to study more and then yoga, meditation and bed.
  3. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today was decent. I worked, which was quite enjoyable on the whole. There were some challenging patients, but whenever I had to do a scan on one of them I took a deep breath and tried to not let my anger impair my functioning. After work, I came home and was excited - Thursday evening is when I get to bash drums with the band I'm in. Unfortunately, the guitarist in the band (an ex[?]-drug addict who I'll call Ant) said he was depressed and had pains in his legs and a migraine... I was furious when I read the message and I have only calmed down in the last hour or so. He messaged so late, - ahhhhhh why am I complaining so much about a trivial thing? There is no use in it. I must move on..

    Anyway, since I didn't end up having band practice, I ended up on the computer and have been lurking about for a while... I need to get off this machine and do some study or, at the very least, read a book! Yes, I think I will study briefly, then go do some yoga and meditate.

    Read some of Deathgrip's journal and could relate a lot to what he was writing about. Going to try some squats and lower back stretches tonight with the yoga. Will do it for a week and see how it's all feeling by then.

    Haven't MO'd today, must keep up this momentum over the weekend.
  4. Sharo

    Sharo New Member

    Hey Kick, keep up the good work!

    It's a tough process/habit/addiction to kick. I have faith that you will do it though! Follow your dreams again to become a doctor - you may like that so much you won't even feel the need to MO to get that rush!
  5. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Hi Sharo,

    That's the dream, to find the things I do in life far more satisfying and enjoyable than wanking hahaha. I find what Biology I've been learning so far (it's very basic) has been interesting, so that's a good start.

    As for the MO rush... Well, to update the journal, I worked yesterday morning, came home, ate some eggs and soldiers and then had a nap for three hours, then, I got up, had a bath (as hot as I could bear) in the hopes to relax some muscles down there and loosen some knots in my muscles.

    Then, I read Count of Monte Cristo for an hour, went out for dinner with the sister's boyfriend's family and my own family which was nice. Then came home, read more, played Diablo III for like four hours though :/ which was fun, I was playing with a friend over Skype, but still, it was a bit ridiculous... Something I've noticed with my habits is that when I pick up a book it requires willpower to put it down and doing something else, it's the same with gaming or spending any time on the computer - once I start, it becomes difficult to stop. So, with the computer, I think what I might start doing is set a timer for an hour say, so the moment that it goes off I do some stretches, make a cup of tea, walk outside.. Something to that effect. It's so easy to remain glued to the screen. Anyway...

    After that gaming session, I did some yoga - added in some squats and lower back stretches by the advice of Deathgrip's journal, meditated (listening to singing bowls) for fifteen minutes focussing on relaxing the PC muscles. All of a sudden, I felt some arousal and I had worked myself up to a respectable hard on - mostly by the mere breathing into the pit of my stomach - and MO'd. Which, to be honest, I wasn't that cut or annoyed at myself about - I didn't fantasise or deathgrip at all and was focussed entirely on the sensation.

    I've been getting morning wood everyday this week and I believe that I'm turning a corner with this god forsaken PIED. Going to have a long yoga/exercise session this afternoon and read more Count of Monte Cristo.

    Enjoy your weekends everyone! :)
  6. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Am kind of disgusted with myself, I smoked pot last night and a couple of cigarettes, first time since New Year's Eve... I hate that drug now - it makes me feel really fucking stupid while I'm on it and for the day after. My attention, willpower and mindpower just shrinks and I get more agitated too.

    I felt a bit of hard flaccid coming on today, first time I've gotten it quite so severely for a month or more.. Anyway, I had a swim at least and I also did some exercises a couple of hours ago. Did some squats and felt a lot of relaxation in the pelvic floor - I might meditate on that part of my body later, it still feels quite tense.

    I MO'd just a little bit before, just to sensation. What a shame.

    I need to cut this negative chatter, it holds a lot of power over my mind. I also think deleting all my video games and making up a password for my Blizzard/Steam account would be a good idea too. That shit is rotting my brain and draining so much time.

    Back on the bandwagon now. I won't afford myself the kicks that I get from dope and cigarettes. It leaves a bad taste in my mouth and in my mind. It's not fun anymore and all I get from it is self-disgust and disappointment.
  7. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    I had a point that I failed to mention, that is, that it is obvious that a hard flaccid is caused by cigarettes and pot, at least for me it is. So, I will not live that way. I've had my cheap thrills through drugs... There is a higher being that awaits me. All I have to do is stop making these silly choices, cut out the hedonism and focus.

    So, on my side of the globe, it's 7:17PM, Sunday, the twenty-second of February. I must go this week without MOing once, I will do a simple training regime which will be at the end of this post and will only use the computer to write this journal and comment on others, presuming I have something worth writing and for University studies - which brings me to my next commitment, I will study for an hour each night (at least).

    The Regime
    Three sets of each (where applicable)
    • Sumo Squats
    • Regular Squats
    • Sit Ups
    • Push Ups
    • Rows and Chariots
    • Seated Leg Raises
    • Lunges
    • Dragon Pose
    • Downward Dog
    • Bottom of Feet Together (pelvic floor relaxer/hip opener)
    • Pigeon Pose
    Plus one hour study per. night, computer for Uni and Yourbrainrebalanced purposes and meditation for ten minutes.

    Wish me luck.

    PS: If anyone has any other exercises or yoga poses they'd like to recommend, I would be obliged if you could pass them on! Thanks
  8. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Worked this morning and then went to the gym afterwards (for the first time in a year, or longer).

    My penis has been feeling strange today, as if it was hot, or that there was more or less blood flow going through it. I can't tell which, but I'm hoping that these PC muscle relaxing exercises are helping already - it does seem like it, as I got wood (80~%) whilst lying down fairly quickly with just some touch! Been waking up with wood consistently. Starting to feel a lot better, despite having a few hard flaccid episodes last night!

    Don't think I have it in me to do all of those exercises I wrote down yesterday, but I made up for it at the gym.

    EDIT: Been having really, really bad hard flaccid (HF) this evening - haven't had it so bad in quite a while. I think I'm going to see a PT this week and ask them about my posture and pelvic tilt.

    Probable causes for the HF include:
    The cigarettes, pot and booze over the weekend (serves as a potent reminder why I stopped these vices at the start of the year)
    Going on the bike today at the gym

    I'll have to do some focussed meditation on that area this evening and more hip stretches.
  9. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Worked today, noticed a fair bit of hard flaccid throughout. It's not good for me to be constantly thinking of it. I must stop focussing on it and instead have a deep breath...

    When I came home I napped for an hour, then did some chores followed with exercises.

    I've spent the last hour on Youtube and trying a couple of stretches to alleviate the hard flaccid. I have poor posture and have had it for years, hours and hours spent playing video games with a posteriorly pronating lower spine may have filled that region of my back with knots and weak muscles. So, I'm going to focus a lot of my energies on yoga for the lower back and exercises too. Hugging my knees to my chest works really well and got rid of a HF I had instantaneously. So, I will keep up all my current stretches, but add in...

    Child's pose, knee hugging, supine hamstring stretch, sphinx, prone mindfulness of that area, prone to elbows under shoulders leaning on forearms and then to hands, focussing on relaxing these areas.
  10. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd last night and an hour ago. Damn. It's on the spreadsheet. My erection quality is still far from 100% but it is getting far better than what it was only a few months ago - I measure my erection quality (EQ) by looking at the angle that my erection stands relative to my body while looking in a mirror - last night, it was getting a little bit above 3 o'clock - say 2:45, this morning it was a sluggish 3 o'clock.

    I had a realisation just before and that is that I've only been porn free for about 60 days - I haven't made it to the whole 90 days yet. I wonder what another month will do? It's obviously helped a lot. Just to need to remain focussed and try not MO for 30 days.

    My flaccid isn't as firm/hard today as much as it was on Monday and Tuesday. That's a relief. Will keep up the hip hugging exercises and lunges.

    Been reading all this morning and am now going to study while lunch digests so I can go for a run and do some exercises.
  11. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    MO'd last night. Goddam. Apart from that, yesterday was a good day.

    Worked today and, since I got woken up at 3AM by a loud storm, was very tired all day. Saw the psychologist a few hours ago who strongly believes that my ED is from anxiety, and to be honest, I think he's right, at least partially right. I think that I do overthink my erection status, to the point where if I don't get a full hard on I get disheartened... It's hard for me to be totally in the moment. He was also thinking about referring me to see a psychiatrist to maybe get some anti-anxiety medication, that wouldn't be for another month, in which time my nerves might calm down if I keep meditating every day and if I continue to exercise. If anyone reads this and has taken any anti-anxiety medication, can you let me know what it did for you?

    Anyway, almost the end of February for all of you who haven't looked at a calendar lately. I'm going to try make it the whole month without MOing once. I will do it! I must! That would be a feat and I think very beneficial to my reboot. I might start a thread for a sign on for no fapping in March so I - and others - have some accountability for my actions

    Been doing reverse kegels for the last few days and it's starting to feel loose and relaxed as it was before I smoked over the weekend - hard flaccid has more or less gone entirely.

    EDIT: Just been reading through some journals where the writer has made a habit of PMOing whilst high, makes me think that my recovery may take longer to be complete. I think I also definitely need to abstain from MO otherwise the progression will be drastically slowed (as I've said I don't know many times yet keep MOing anyway)

    Fuck this condition, I just want to be who I should be, not some socially anxious dude who says nothing but cynicism and sarcasm, who can be that glimmer of light always, not just for a few minutes every week, I want energy and to be vibrant again. I'm 21, not 101. Fuck my chimpy brain and my addictive tendencies and my inability to control myself always. Goddam, I feel like such a failure. All my friends are busy with their own shit and only want to hang out if getting high is involved. Is this what my life has come to? Or needs to come to? A celibate lifestyle, no sex, drugs or rock'n'roll, just running, water and singing bowls? No friends, just people I see when it's their birthday to wish them well, no family, just people I share a house with. I'm not going to relapse - the thought of porn disgusts me far more than the current state of affairs in my life - but fuck, if I'd known, if only I'd done something sooner - like this time last year when I found out about this god awful affliction... It just feels like if I had a working dick then some integral part of my life would be cured and I wouldn't have this malignant tumour of doubt, guilt and self-loathing. Ugh, anyway, enough of the wimpy git. Resuming scheduled programming...

    I must quit the MO and make the decision concrete. If I slip up, I'm going to give $20 to Greenpeace. It's in writing. Any masturbation from now until the end of February will incur a $20 fine. I can't allow myself to test my erections or even test for a hard flaccid, I must pretend I don't have a dick for the next 30ish days.
  12. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today was a decent day.

    Woke up, drank some water and was straight out the door to go for a run. When I came home, I did some exercises, ate and practiced some drum rudiments from an old exercise book.

    Anyway, studied some and after having some lunch, went to town to play poker with some friends. We discussed many things, whether fluoride is bad for a person, whether screen time can affect one's energy and temperament... Well, my friends believe in fluoride calcification where I am still sceptical and look to more realistic things - eg. conditioning one's self to expel no physical or mental energy by wasting away at the charm of a computer, in turn having no energy when wanting to do other things.

    Back to the point, after having some sushi, I came home, read some more of Monte Cristo (that guy's a baller) did some exercises, hip opening stretches, deep squats - goddam they feel amazing on a tight pelvis. Just finished putting my two cents in a few threads and am now going to have a bath and read some more.

    In a much better mood today, realised that I am far, far better than what I was compared to a year and a half ago. My PIED was at a peak at that point... Now, I believe things are getting better. Much better, whilst commenting on a post of TheBorb's, I had one of those crystallising moments, where I figured that things weren't anywhere near as bad as I thought they were yesterday. A month with no MO could be the silver bullet for my affliction.

    PS: I think part of the reason I feel so good is because of the run I went for this morning, I might try to start going for a run in the mornings if I can adjust myself that much.
  13. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today was a damn good day.

    I climbed a mountain of sorts with the girl this morning with her pet dog, it was fun and very invigorating and maybe a bit tiring.. We got lunch afterwards and then hung out at her house, we talked and talked for ages, and we got closer together and before I knew it, we were making out! Then, we were having sex, which was really good, despite my EQ not being close to 100%. Neither of us climaxed, so we just rested for a while and talked and laughed... That was great, I felt really happy and at peace in that moment.

    Anyway, I quickly noticed my dick coming back to life after this reprieve and we went at it - my EQ felt much better, I wasn't compulsively checking, I was too in the moment, too with her. I climaxed and about two seconds later we heard her Mum coming home! So, we quickly put our clothes back on and played it cool.

    Then, had band practice, chilled and came home. I am max tired, so I plan on doing nothing more than showering, flicking through some lecture slides and maybe reading some more of Monte Cristo.
  14. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    I woke up this morning to my clock saying 8:59AM. This meant that I had missed my 8AM lecture and was about to miss my 9AM one as well - my first for the year - I then got angry at myself for missing them and lost all hope so I went to the kitchen and cooked some bacon.. Then, I woke up and realised that was all a horrible dream and I checked the clock - was it was 6:20AM - an hour earlier than what I usually rise. So, instead of snoozing, I got out of bed and went for a walk and a run. It was invigorating, there was dew in the grass and my shoes got soaked, but that was okay.

    After having breakfast, I went to Uni and had my two lectures, came home and got ready for work. Worked until 3:30 and then came home, sold an old drumkit at last and did some lawn mowing after chatting to a friend on the phone. Did some exercises, started reading some Monte Cristo and then dinner was ready, I just finished that, so am going to shower and read more of Monte Cristo.

    No wank today, but felt very tired. I think my diet may be lacking some carbohydrates. Maybe.

    Dick feels more alive today I daresay.
  15. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Today was decent, didn't have as much motivation to go for a run, but I still got out of bed earlier than usual. Had a lecture, then worked, saw the girl and then saw a friend who just scored a - more or less - dream job. So, hopefully, very soon, I'll be able to move out with him and gain some much needed independence. Had dinner, played some cards and am now going to study in preparation for tomorrow morning's lectures.

    Woke up with a semi-erection, and when I kissed the girl there was a response too. It's becoming better. I think by the end of this month I should have made lots of progress if I can keep up my avoidance of porn and don't fap!
  16. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Still didn't fap.

    Had Uni, read more of Cristo (very nearly finished), exercised and went for a run. Just had dinner and am going to finish some study and then hopefully finish Cristo!
  17. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Fapped on Friday, felt very shameful. It wasn't worth it, and I just felt guilty and sorry for myself - watching Youtube clips and feeling hollow........

    Couldn't even go a whole month without a wank.

    In other news, played a gig on Saturday which was fun, saw the girl and she came back to my place, we had sex, I didn't climax, but I managed to get her to.

    Feeling weird, strange things going in my relationships at the moment, feels like I've left the dock and am heading out into the unknown. Refreshing, but chilling somewhat.

    I think what I need to really do is continue exercising and eating well, I need to get a sleeping pattern again (I had one last week, but it got knocked out of sync through staying up late and having naps) I notice this wonderful thing lately and that is that my dick is responsive to touch in the mornings - as in, if I don't have a wood on waking up, I have the makings for one. I have to avoid Youtube binging and internet binging in general.

    Too foggy to write anymore, will be in bed very soon
  18. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Good day today, despite not wanting to get out of bed, I managed to make it to my 8AM lecture. I kept on losing focus, but that's okay.

    Saw the girl for a bit which was nice.

    Saw my GP, spoke about a couple of things, ED came up as it always does and I really do think it is getting better. I'm becoming more in tune with myself I suppose.

    Haven't wanked today and I won't tonight, just got study and a shower ahead.
  19. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Been a very, very bad week. I didn't PMO at all, I think that beast is slain, but I smoked a lot, played video games more than anything else and did barely any positive activities - barely read, didn't do any exercise... Just felt shitty. Hard flaccid is back in full force (I think it's a combination of no exercise and the cigarettes.. sitting down for ten hours plus would also play a factor I daresay) and wasn't feeling very enthused to do anything productive. Uni work is piling up, and I go back to work on Monday. MO'd twice (deathgrip style with a semi-erection) fuck yeah. GAH. Need to tear myself out of this rut.
  20. Kick

    Kick Active Member

    Getting back into the swing of things, been on a couple of runs and done some exercises, caught up with friends and have cut back video game playing to a very reasonable amount.

    Been getting lots and lots of urges to watch some P. This is weird, I haven't felt the urge in months - especially not this strong of an urge! I will stay strong, I must.

    EQ is improving (I think) and hard flaccid comes and it goes. Just need to be motivated to exercise, and to continue abstaining cigarettes.

    I did a bad thing on Saturday though to be completely honest - I MO'd whilst being stoned!!! I haven't done that in over three months. Perhaps that's why I'm getting the P flashbacks and urges..? Or perhaps that's got something to do with the few sexy dreams I've been having lately. In one of them I actually looked up some P.

    With any luck these urges could just be general horniness coming back. At the thought of that I really do want to see my lady friend..

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