Journal of Viceless - journey back from PIED

Discussion in 'Ages 25-29' started by Viceless, Dec 27, 2019.

  1. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    My name is Sam. I'm 28 years old. 5'7", 125 lbs, healthy.

    I've been PMO'ing since puberty hit, and it's been a steady escalation over time. Hated what I was doing from day 1. Never had any other attraction to regular use of any substances or any other maladaptive coping behaviors.

    Just this demon of a habit all this time. Grew up in a very religious setting that threw off my whole sense of sexuality, and spent the last few years deconstructing all that. Only mentioning because it meant I didn't catch any early signs of PIED due to not being allowed culturally to experience sex with real people, and even learned to masturbate incorrectly this whole time.

    Now I've moved on from all that, and having gotten into a few different sexual situations with real girls--surprise, suprise, I couldn't perform. Didn't figure out why at first, just a background feeling that it might be the porn. Lately I've done more reading and research, and all the pieces fit.

    Latest girl I dated for a couple months. It ended, but before it did, I went a month without any PMO, and consistent rewiring with her. By the month mark I was exiting a flatline and noticed notable physical progress in reaction to her, and improved morning wood.

    After it ended, I watched porn multiple times for hours (normal for me), PM, no O, and it seems to have wiped out my progress with ED.

    So here I am. Ready to do this. I have systems and routines in place to help me.

    Also, I recently realized that my housemate has the same story as me. Didn't know until after a year of living with him lol. I think this is a common thing that is super not talked about by young guys.

    More soon.
    baywalker and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hey Viceless, welcome to the forum man and best of luck and strength on your journey. I think having a system and a positive routine in place is key to recover. The fact that you saw progress when you were rewiring is a good sign and I'm sure you can get back there in time. Take care !
  3. baywalker

    baywalker Active Member

    Welcome Sam.

    Good luck, and remain positive. I believe PM 'ing without O might have shaken your progress a little, but not wipe it. Especially after a consistent rewiring. It sounds like you are ready for a great bounce back.

    Let's do this!
  4. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 4 - Feeling pretty good. Mood is a bit fluctuating. It's been almost two months since my last O, so I know that's not really a factor in any emotional downs at this point. Went partner dancing the past two nights, and plan to for the next three nights as well. It feels good to have physical touch with women, even if it's not sexual, and every once in awhile dancing with someone and feeling some spark between us. No physical reaction on my end though, even if the dance becomes quite sensual. I can't think too much about those encounters, because it doesn't make sense for me to date right now. I need a few months off for my brain to keep coming back to normal. Just need to stay present with the experiences I'm having and let my brain do its thing at its own pace. One day at a time--I wish there was a fast forward button on this process.
  5. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Thanks baywalker! Physical progress feels significantly set back, but I'm hoping that it'll take less time to get back to where I was. Part of that setback could also just be not being around a person I'm dating now, which was helpful. Not going to get stuck on that as an excuse though, just keeping on.

    Thanks! Yeah, my self-control around this addiction is pretty non-existent currently, so the systems are necessary. Blocker and restricted app access on my phone, which my housemate has the code to. Blocker on my computer too--I can get around it though, so my policy is to only use the computer when away from home. (My housemate knows this too, and I don't ever plan on breaking it.) That usually means being at a coffee shop, like right now. Between the limited tech access, and many consistent life routines, I'm hoping that there won't be too many bumps in the road going forward.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  6. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 5 - More dancing—feels nice to be connecting to people. Minimal screen time in my life is helpful in multiple ways, porn recovery included. Urges are low, and I believe I’m in flatline again lately. I happen to love and hate flatline at the same time. Hate it because it feels like purgatory and I'll be in it forever. (I won't) Love it because it's like easy mode on the recovery path in terms of urges.
  7. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 5 - again...

    My computer is significantly more locked down than it was. I don't currently have a workaround for the blocker on my computer, and my housemate is admin of the machine now. I'm hoping there's no more workarounds to discover, but more importantly, I know I need to not treat it as a puzzle to solve. I've intentionally put these walls up to build friction, and I want to treat urges as something to ignore, not as fuel for my quest to defeat my own enforced limitations. (Self-defeating much?)

    I've been making progress on fitness goals, and being more productive in general. Self-esteem has been rising lately--this feels great, and I know is in part due to prolonged efforts and notable successes at recovery.

    Just need to keep this going. This is one factor in an overall healthy lifestyle I'm building. Consistency in all areas.
  8. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 7

    Sexual dreams in the morning, but not feeling affected by it mentally. I just read the last 3-4 months of entries in my personal journal, and feel really good about the trajectory I'm on internally and circumstantially. There's a lot of multifacted progress to be grateful for and keep building on. Feeling grateful.
  9. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 11

    I'm connecting better with my housemate lately, which feels really good. I've been sick the past few days and worked from home, but haven't gone into coping mode of trying to seek out porn. Partly because of how inaccessible it feels right now, and partly because I know that trying to circumvent that won't be the least bit helpful to what I'm wanting in my life. Outside of dreams with sexual elements, my body remains securely in flatline. MW is mostly nonexistent or shows up weakly, etc. Not feeling worried about that. I just need enough time to pass for it all to change physiologically. Intrusive thoughts about porn are very low now, and I'm really glad about that.
  10. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 14

    I woke up in the middle of the night last night with an unexpected strong erection for a minute. Exciting to see that my body isn't entirely dead on that front and that something is going on neurologically. Sometimes being in flatline really makes you wonder if it'll be forever. The annoying part is that it happened while waking up from a dream that was based on a porn fetish. Ugh. Hopefully such dreams become replaced with normal types of fantasy sooner than later.

    Feeling pretty good overall though. Staying steady with diet, exercise, routines, and being at least somewhat social. Checking those healthy lifestyle boxes. Oh, also had a work review meeting today and it was really positive feedback. Feeling stoked about that, and motivated to keep pouring my energy into these different things that feel lifegiving.
  11. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 18

    Flatline flatline flatline.

    But outside of that, I'm feeling extremely positive lately. Feeling emotionally grounded and a lot of clarity, calmness, and contentedness. Zen isn't quite the right word, but it's close enough to convey the feeling. The music I'm listening to is becoming more upbeat. I've been reading a book a week on average lately, and it feels great. I used to be a bookworm, and between porn and college workloads, that fell on the roadside. Diving back in now, and loving it. Also, lots of good dancing last night--I felt extremely confident and positive. (Having a couple drinks beforehand helps a lot haha)

    Basically, between lots of healthy routines and the absence of porn, I'm gaining a lot of internal traction, and my anxiety and depression are significantly dropping in frequency and intensity. Onward.
    -Luke- likes this.
  12. Viceless

    Viceless New Member

    Day 19

    I had a wet dream last night. Odd, as I can't remember having one in...years? I'm definitely taking it as a positive sign. Noteworthy moment I feel like mentioning here.

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