Journal of learningOrder

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by learningOrder, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I would tend to agree. :confused:
     
  2. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    So my wife and I did a second couples therapy session and it's seeming more like separation with each conversation. The weird thing is that I feel oddly peaceful about everything.

    I've been clean a week - and that make hard things a bit easier to deal with... But it feels the other way around --> that working on the intimacy/sex issues in the marriage is soothing the compulsion to want to act-out with P.

    If I'm being honest - I really can't remember a time in my marriage where I genuinely felt my wife's desire for me. Affection, sure. Maybe some attraction occasionally. But never really desire...

    And it's more than that: she has never really felt comfortable with me being attracted to her - so she usually doesn't really seem to want to be attractive to me. In the winter she tends not to shave her legs and I find that fairly unappealing. She had breast reduction surgery and her proportions have changed. She knew that I was concerned that it would affect my attraction to her, but that was not a particularly big concern for her (so far as I could tell). In our couples session I did disclose that I haven't been very attracted to her lately. She took that information well at the time, but later that night seemed really upset. I was compassionate, but also expressed the bind of her not wanting my attraction but feeling bad when I said wasn't attracted to her.

    So separation is seeming like a real possibility and that is super scary. But I also think about the possibility of being someone who is attracted to me and enjoys my attraction - and it is really exciting. Of course dating for the first time in over 20 years is more than a little daunting. But exciting.

    And it has felt damn good to be honest. To simply say what I'm thinking rather than re-framing things in a way that won't hurt her feelings. It feels like coming back to myself.
     
  3. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I wish you and your wife all the best. Do the therapy sessions seem to be bringing you closer together?
    Are you wanting to be together?
    It doesn't seem clear from reading your post.
     
  4. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Hey B17 - thanks for the warm wishes. We actually get along pretty well most of the time - I'm not sure we have a need to be closer... But both of us are going through some self-exploration and kind of wondering whether we want to continue our marriage as it has been.

    I'm not sure what I want. I've invested a LOT into our relationship over the course of the past 20+ years and there's a lot of good in the home we've created together. But there's always been a part of me (and a part of her too it seems) that has wanted to be in a relationship with a better physical connection. Sounds shallow, and maybe it is - but there you are.
     
  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I know what you mean exactly. I will be married 44 years this week. We were married on Pearl harbor day :D many times have the bombs been falling!

    I have great sympathy for your situation my friend
    Warm regards sir
     
  6. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    I appreciate your ear Boxer. 44 years. Wow.

    My wife and I have continued to talk since our last therapy session. It's very weird and we are still feeling out how and when to comfort each other in this transition period. Yesterday we took a walk and she disclosed that even though it hurt to hear my feelings in couples therapy, she actually felt relieved that the desire for something else wasn't all on her.

    In addition, we spoke about separation for the first time out loud together. Before then we were typically using expressions like "whatever comes next", but we both agreed that feels like the momentum is toward separation. I have such a whirlwind of emotions: fear, excitement, relief, anxiety, sadness.
     
  7. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I can only imagine
     
  8. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Last post was a couple years ago. Things have been pretty good - but right now I'm slipping and need to verbalize in a way that isn't always available outside of the ybr community.

    My wife and I have separated and that has been really good for avoiding P. I've been facing my own issues around dating and sexuality - and found myself less and less compelled to act out with P.

    But then there's been this lockdown. I had started strong, but as time has gone on I've found myself acting out more frequently and for longer periods of time. All day yesterday and the night before had been a giant marathon session that has left me with some severe withdrawal symptoms. Last night I slept, but today I am sluggish and foggy. I've got the sweats and the shivers. My idle brain flashes images from the searches that I can't turn off. And of course I feel compelled to go back and keep looking.

    It is a reminder of the sad truth that I am addicted to the dopamine hit I get from P. For some reason I haven't had the acute anxiety that is typical of my withdrawals - at least not yet. That's a relief, because that is by far the worst feeling.

    Wish me luck as I kill time waiting for the withdrawal and acute compulsion to act out abate.
     
    NCBob, Boxer17, Gil79 and 1 other person like this.
  9. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Good luck! :) We have so much to gain by staying sober. I know you can do it!
     
    Boxer17 likes this.
  10. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

  11. NCBob

    NCBob The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Rather than kill time, learningOrder, what might you do to make the most of your time? Life is always offering us opportunities, regardless of circumstance. What might be yours?
     

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