Journal of learningOrder

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by learningOrder, Feb 10, 2016.

  1. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Good morning learningorder
    I too have felt the pain of a slip and fall and if your like me it sometimes feels a little hollow to say " I'll do better next time".
    But there really is no alternative. Being serious about this,as you wrote, we ask what can I learn from this? Pick the sod out of our teeth and resume this fight to be in control of our lives

    Than you for sharing and I/ we are standing with you my friend
     
  2. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Well... I've been clean since that last relapse.

    But I had sex with my wife a couple days ago - which puts me back in the two-day danger zone. In general I feel pretty good about jumping this first hurdle except... Well...

    This weekend I ended up seeing a lot of women in real life that were wearing things that were triggering for me. I found myself disappearing into fantasy a few times, and this is not ideal. I tried to steer my thoughts away when I could, but in the past fantasizing would frequently lead to P.

    Staying strong (at least for tonight).
     
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  3. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    I called about joining a group therapy things for P addiction. It was a nice conversation with the Dr. that runs it, but it's like $200 USD a session - plus he only does it when folks are individual therapy also. That is just too pricey for me at this juncture. Looks like there are some SA or SAA meetings around and they seem like they are free. Not sure I understand the difference between the two though.

    Today I had an acupuncture appointment that was helpful though. I've talked to her at length about my struggle - but kept it vague, describing it as a media addiction. It was a useful conversation and I'm still turning my thoughts over about some of root causes of WHY I would want to escape from reality.
     
  4. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hello learningorder.
    Is the acupuncture for the brain fog and memory?
    How's it going sir?
    Hope your day is positive
    Boxer
     
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  5. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Hey B17 - thanks for checking in :)

    Sadly, the acupuncture usually doesn't do much for the brain fog - it really seems to be contingent on getting sleep and not over-consuming media (obviously P is the worst, but facebook or twitter can affect me in a similar way).

    After that last post, I went into a tailspin of acting out for a couple days. I think that looking into the 'why' of P put me into ostrich mode - and I hid my head in the sand. I guess there's more rawness there than I was expecting.

    The past few weeks have been pretty good for me. I've had a few slip-ups looking at P or P-subs but they've been relatively minor. My focus has actually been pretty good. That has felt nice. That said, I had sex two days ago and yesterday I had the agitation that comes with the rebound time period. I was a grumpster.

    I know that a firm boundary works best with most people, but I'm wondering if a slow migration away might be better for me. That's how I quit smoking. I didn't go cold turkey but slowly phased it out. Over time indulged less and less with the undesirable behavior. Not sure.
     
  6. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Hey learningOrder. Good to hear from you.
    Whatever changes your trajectory toward your goal is a good thing. Whether it's in one fell swoop or incremental.
    Keep pushing forward sir. We can do this.
     
  7. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Thanks for the encouragement B17!

    I've been clean for the past few days... And it's amazing how much more productive and present in the moment I feel in general. Yesterday I had some trouble though. I was getting ready to act out - had already lost the battle in my mind and was just pulling out the computer when... One of the kids came home. I put away the computer and thanked the universe for the intervention --> but I was anxious all evening.

    Each morning and night I pray to keep my sobriety and it really felt a little like a kindly nudge in the right direction from above. Unfortunately I felt pretty sure that all of that pent-up anxiety was going to push me toward acting out after my wife went to sleep. But... I decided to *try* to go to sleep when she went to bed. I fully expected to get up and act out, but... I didn't. I slept.

    In retrospect, it makes sense that yesterday would be a challenging one. I spent some of the day at work looking at reddit and window-shopping for guitars online. Those are the 'feed me' behaviors that seem to be closely linked with P addiction, at least for me.
     
  8. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    I've been feeling very panic-y... And feeling unhappy a lot more than happy the past few weeks. I'm not really sure what's going on.

    Lately I haven't really been liking myself very much. I'm sure that it's partly the P addiction, but I kind of doubt that it is only that. I've just been feeling lazy and uninspired... And not satisfied with the choices I make.

    I'm not whether what I've been experiencing are panic attacks, or simply acute anxiety. Whatever it is, it's unpleasant. The last time I acted out was about 3 days ago, so it could be just the regular ol' withdrawal. Although I guess I've been feeling like I've been in a funk for the past 6 or 8 weeks. Though I guess those weeks were a blur of abstaining and then acting out - so it may still be the cause. Bummer that withdrawal is something that is common in my life. Wouldn't it be nice to just stay clean?

    Good news is that I've got an appointment with a therapist this upcoming Monday, so I'm hoping that will help me out of this funk.
     
  9. bobjes

    bobjes Active Member

    The funks are part of life... Learning to abstain when feeling unhappy is not easy. One has to learn to find ways to care for oneself in another way. Not PMO, but being gentle with yourself, going for a walk, meditate, work out, pray whatever it is that is caring for yourself when times are tough inside your head...

    Happy to hear you might have a new therapist to work with.

    Sending you some good vibes (-:
     
  10. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    @bobjes - thank you... I've been in dire need of good vibes.

    I have not been very good to myself. In fact... I can't say I've been liking myself very much. The funk continues... And you are correct - it is part of life, and it is important to learn how to cope without P.

    My feeling of self worth is very low right now. Has it been this way for a while? Do I turn to P as a quasi-intentional form of self destruction? I don't know.

    I can simultaneously feel like I don't deserve the good things in my life, and that I deserve better.

    The therapist is good - and I feel hopeful that she can help direct me toward a healthier lifestyle and mindset. She has a background to deal with the PMO stuff, and asks questions that seem like she'll be good at identifying patterns. Unfortunately the first couple sessions are all about family history and that sort of thing, so I haven't really even been able to talk about anything that's been on my mind yet.
     
  11. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Woah. It's been almost exactly a year since the last entry. Weird. I'm sorry to be so inconsistent and that I'm not a better member of this community.

    An interesting year to be sure... I finished a couple of large long-term projects and switched jobs (turned out to be a horrible place and quit within two months). I've also reread the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" a couple times and have done a lot of personal reflection.

    Also: my wife came out to me as gay. This was a surprise on many levels - but also puts some aspects of our physical relationship into a logical perspective. She's never seemed that physically attracted to me, except for when we were dating --> and I'm wondering if this was the hidden factor (I'm pretty much normal looking - not super good looking but also not ugly).

    So now we're both trying to figure out what this means for our relationship. We both have so much invested - but there's also a part of me that loves the idea of finding a person who is genuinely attracted to me. We started seeing a couples therapist but we very likely may end up separating... Despite getting along quite well.
     
  12. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Oh my! You indicate that this coming out by your wife answers some questions but ,yes, what a surprise.
    Also with your job situation this HAS been quite a ride for you.
     
  13. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    A surprise, yes... But it's weirder still when you consider that my mom left my dad after over 20 years and came out as gay.

    What kind of crazy mental gymnastics have I done to recreate my parents' relationship?
     
  14. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    Lately I've been really thinking about how important it is for me to accept and verbalize my preferences, especially to my loved ones.

    I tend to have a strong compulsion to avoid sharing my thoughts and feelings that might cause those around me pain. It is problematic. It causes me to be situations that I don't like that could have been avoided. Frequently it causes more pain to those around me in the long run (rather than the quick sting of something unpleasant) ... But it's hard to unlearn old habits.
     
  15. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    I do the same thing. I tend to let things go until an issue is so big it can't be avoided. By then as you say,thw temporary sting becomes much larger
     
  16. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    You said it.

    But it's hard to articulate a problem or issue of conflict - especially at points where feelings of self-worth is low.
     
  17. learningOrder

    learningOrder Member

    I've been thinking a lot about my marriage. In the past number of weeks I've been coming to terms with the fact that my wife is gay - therefore not attracted to me --> but also that I haven't really been attracted to her either.

    It's not really looking good for the future of our marriage.
     

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