Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 62.

    You guys are right.
    I'm trying really hard to give myself a break and be happier and peaceful.
    It's proving to be extremely difficult but what other option can I aim for?

    My ex and her friend woke me up this morning with a FaceTime call, it's like skype.
    The one flashed me =)
    Either way I met up with them at a bar and got some brunch, and have been hanging out with my ex and playing the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time for most of the day.
    Had a few beers today, it's not been bad.

    Felt absolutely terrible this morning. I got shit faced last night and ended up sleeping in my roommates bed. It was comforting.
    Today has turned around for the better.
    I still have important shit I should be doing but I just can't be bothered.

    Hanging out with some friends and gonna party some tonight:
    Keep my attitude positive and great things could happen.

    My dick has felt kinda heavy and sorta hard a lot today, but iono if that means shit.

    Anyways imma get back to my social life.
    Peace yins.
     
  2. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Total shot in the dark, but do you think THIS may be happening?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzPOzbiDYv4


    Anyway, I'm glad you're back and alive (I was worried, kay? Shaddup), and I'm glad you're still climbing into orbit, Nofap-wise. I'm looking forward to your dawn, man.
     
  3. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 63.

    Apeman, I hope you're right.
    Unfortunately I feel flatlined like a motherfucker.
    I feel like having had sex those few times really fucking knocked any boners I've been getting straight the fuck out.
    Interestingly though I don't feel asexual, just sexually inept.
    I've had a mixture of feeling in love as well as crippling chest pains from loneliness.

    Iono if it's the OCD talking...
    ...but I'm starting to worry I'm a necrophiliac.
    I fell in love with these 4 girls dressed up as dead people in a music video.
    Also reading poetry I wrote a decade ago has a lot of shit about fucking dead girls.
    I wrote this poetry before I'd ever masturbated...
    How do I bring that up in therapy?

    I think I'm just scaring myself senseless.
    This flatline is absolutely terrifying me.
    My libido and erections straight raped from me with my heart begging, begging, begging for romance.
    It's consuming my whole body and mind.
    I'm trying very hard to cope with it.

    I'll cuddle up with girls and while it feels nice, I also feel nothing inside.
    It's wicked cruel.
    I've cuddles with 5 girls this weekend, (woo! middle school pimp status!) so maybe that will help towards rewiring.
    Imma chill the fuck out, relax, stop worrying about my dick, and stay sober and enjoy life in the moment.
    Fuck yeah.
     
  4. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    At least your cuddling and hanging out with girls, being sexual etc the more you keep that up the more your libido will come back.
     
  5. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Good to see you're trying out a more positive outlook, brother.
    The more you let go the more control comes back to you, like a boomerang. You can never be in control if you force anything.

    Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU0PYcCsL6o
     
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    We both let girls get into our heads and run us through the wringer. Heavy drinking and all that. But neither of us is going to quit, and that makes us mighty.

    As for your possible necrophilia, bringing it up in therapy the same way you brought it up here will suffice. Just getting it out is better than letting it stew in the ol' braincase. That's what the therapist's there for.

    You've been weathering a storm, mate, and you have my respect for that. Keep climbing.
     
  7. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 64.

    Well, felt flatlined as fuck when I hung out with Ash last night.
    We cuddled some but I felt nothing.

    However when we laid down in bed she eventually moved my hand into her hip and I got hard.
    She then moved my hand up her shirt and made me extremely raging hard and we then had sex and I only went slightly soft when I got up to go to the living room from her bedroom to get a condom.
    Then the boner came right back.
    It stayed a little bit hard after I came too and this morning I got some nice boners laying in bed with her.
    Emotionally damaging, of course. She won't kiss me.
    I've been having too many hookups that don't involve kissing.
    Either way, it's reassuring that my dick does work.

    What I can take from this is:
    Don't judge my erections in situations that aren't sexual!
    Don't do it!
    It's retarded. It makes no fucking sense.
    Walking to class isn't a sexual activity, stop worrying about my dick not being hard when walking.
    Lol.
     
  8. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 65.

    No idea how I feel today.
    I feel alone and scared.
    I want to get over Ashley so bad. Her and I aren't going anywhere.
    I almost hate the fact that I can get hard for her.
    I. Can't. Let. Go.

    "I've romanticized you to the point where the knives you press into my skin began to look like Cupid's arrows."

    I have no self worth or self esteem about how I am treated.
    Absolutely no respect for myself.

    Anyways, some girl I was talking to in class made me feel happy.
    Hey eyes were so pretty, her smile made me smile, she's so goddamn cute.
    Another friend of mine that I kinda like randomly saw me and hugged me and said she missed me and wants to hang out soon.
    I know there is more out there than Ashley.
    There will be another girl to steal my heart.
     
  9. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Good job my bro! Nice one for trying to stay positive, your self-esteem will come, you just need to quit trying to control everything. You can't control anything anyway, no one can, so just let life flow. Only control the controllables. It appears your dick works fine when you want it to. Do you think your ED may be to a lesser extent porn induced and to a greater extent psychological? Is it a possibility that you may be well on the way to recovery and/or have already recovered, but you just worry too much about ED so it's actually that worrying that stops you getting an erection?

    There are plenty of girls out there for you bro, you clearly have a natural ability with women, and once you let yourself be you and fully accept yourself along with all your flaws, which you are now doing, I think you will start to be a lot happier.
     
  10. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    [Jeff]
    It's extraordinarily hard to say about the psychological aspect to my ED, I'm sure there is some components with it... but around Ashley it doesn't matter if I'm thinking about having sex with her, thinking about her possibly having STD's, thinking about homework, murder, beer, cocaine, watching TV, or whatnot- I will get erections without meaning to, or even get them in places that I don't want them, and get them when I don't want them.
    I feel guilty, sad, empty, betrayed, upset, scornful and disgusted by her and I can still get hard.

    I'm not able to get boners with other girls but I suppose I should give it another try soon.
    I haven't had a real try at getting hard for another girl recently.
    Worst comes to worse I still have ED... what's new..?
    Worst doesn't come to worse... and maybe I'll have romance with another girl and kick Ashley to the motherfucking curb and move on.

    I'm sure it's a nasty mixture of Porn Induced ED and psychological ED.
    Either way, I need to just stop worrying.
     
  11. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 66.

    Slept next to one of my ex's last night.
    She made a collage of pictures on some phone app of her and I. It was really cute. It said Husband and Wife on it.
    Although her and I failed, it was nice seeing a cute couple-like collage. We looked happy in each picture.

    My roommate woke me up at like 1pm and we talked about suicide for a while.
    Grim topic.
    I feel like her suicidality plays into mine sometimes.
    Either way though, it does help to be able to talk to someone in depth about suicidal feelings.
    I can't do that in therapy because I will land myself inpatient again, so at least I have some kind of outlet.

    I've been thinking about starting Dialectic Behavioral Therapy.
    It is a type of therapy that targets chronic suicidal behavior.
    I have not gone more than an hour without thinking about suicide in the past half year.
    I must stop thinking about suicide as a reasonable option.
    It's too tiring. I can't live with this chronic emptiness. It's incapacitating.

    So here I am, I've targeted a negative aspect that must change, and I shall do something and get professional help to better my life.

    Anyways my libido has kinda been blah.
    I'm more hopeless about certain things, and more hopeful about others.
    Mood swings are still a bitch.

    Uncertainty and fear of tonight's future plans and events... but I'll stay strong.
    The only certainty I have is that it will not consist of porn or masturbation.
     
  12. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Dude, you're doing so well! Maybe you don't realise quite how much progress you're making because you're still focusing somewhat on the negatives, but honestly, these are big changes you're making for the better! ;D You've realised what you need to work on, you're targeting it, and you're not beating yourself up about it.

    You're on the right track, man, the only thing you can do is keep going. It will get better I promise.
     
  13. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Where it used to be all negative I am sensing some positive undertones. From what you write, it seems like you're going more and more in the right direction now. I like it!

    I cannot imagine how it must be to walk around having suicidal thoughts all the time, so I commend you on not relapsing and not doing anything stupid. I think that if I were in your position I would definitely want to try different types of treatments. I think anything that could potentially be helpful is worth gold here. It's great that you've realised that something needs to be done about the thoughts you're having.

    Honestly, I'm positive about your situation. Not that it matters, but just wanted to tell you. I don't see your situation as bad or good. Instead, it's worse or better, and you're definitely in the better now imo.

    What's better than a poem to end the post? Nothing, so here's a poem. A personal favourite from Khalil Gibran, about joy and sorrow, and how they relate. I find that, in people I've met, those who have the capacity for great sorrow also have the capacity for great joy. Here's the poem:
    "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
    And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
    And how else can it be?
    The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
    When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
    When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

    Some of you say, "Joy is greater thar sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
    But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
    Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

    Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
    Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
    When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall."


    Hope you enjoy it. Cheers!
     
  14. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 67.

    I kissed Caitlin today.

    She has been making constant comments about how she wanted a casual hook up partner, saying she wish she slept with me instead of the guy she dated, directly asking if I wanted to have sex... ect.
    She is a girl that I have told I feel asexual and been having an issue getting aroused by people. A little bit euphemistic considering I have ED, but oh well.
    Either way I've told her that sometimes I don't get hard even when girls are naked legs spread on my bed and she didn't seemed bothered by it. So if anything progresses sexually... at least I already told her and she doesn't seem weirded out by it.
    We kinda established that it was casual. I walked her to class and kissed her before we parted. She seemed really happy about it and texted me about how it made her happy.

    Kissing another girl is totally a distraction from the cunt devil that I so often let ruin my life.
    Can't say I can entirely make this thing into a relationship, but goddamn is it better than fucking myself over my fucking ex.
    I am having more hopes than ever of something better coming along!

    Even in my class today I had a lot of fun chatting up some of the girls.
    We wrote a paper about sexual aggression and we had to break up into small groups and talk about what we wrote.
    Either way, it's a lecture hall and no one fucking talked about the paper and just had casual conversations.
    There is one girl I usually talk to who I have been finding super pretty recently, (I wrote about her on Day 65), but two other girls talked to me!
    Like anything I said they reciprocated with interest, and conversation was just so simple and easy and made me happy.
    I felt happy.
    The one girl at the very end of the class introduced herself formally to me and said it was nice to talk to me.


    Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
    And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?


    I love these metaphors, they are so true and put the synchrony of sorrow and joy into context.
    What I really take from this though is that sorrow can result in happiness.
    What is breaking me apart now is merely reconstructing me into something that will be even greater.
    Though it feels like I'm broken and shattered, I'm merely transforming into something wonderful. =)

    Mood swings are still a bitch.
    Happiness is still absent, but I feel more hopeful.
    I feel like I made mental progress today towards finding peace.
     
  15. Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    cheers.
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    You really talk to a lot of girls man, will be good in the long run.
     
  17. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Mate you are breaking free from the shackles of your depression and sorrow. You are not turning into something wonderful, my friend, you already are something wonderful. With all your faults, with all your strengths and weaknesses, with all your twisted thoughts, with all your hope, you are beautiful, just as you are. All you are doing now is going about the process of realising that. Congratulations on Caitlin, that is very good news. Hopefully we can both have rewiring girlfriends and we can be rewiring bros (nohomo)!

    Keep ascending, my friend!
     
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 68.

    Well I blacked out last night.
    Woke up in one of my ex's beds lol.
    I was really confused for a second.

    I felt alright this morning.
    I dismissed sad thoughts by cuddling hard up against her entire being.
    Just feeling the presence of her and her soft sleeping body.
    Just living within that moment and not worrying about anything else.
    I laid in bed for a few hours with her.

    I had a relapse dream and woke up in the middle if the night with a raging hard on and horny as fuck.

    Libido has been absent today otherwise.

    Russian girl is delusional as fuck. She harbors some serious psychosis.
    Might have to end up calling the cops on her.

    I feel extremely confused about life in general.
    Not so much hopeless now, just really confused.

    Might stay chill or might go hard tonight.
    Let's see how this cinnamon whiskey takes control of me =)
     
  19. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Good attitude buddy, just take it easy and go with the flow. I like this new Dr. Evil, he's cool!

    Girls are cray brother, Emily just called me and said she wanted to get back with her bf. LOL you just have to find the balance between taking everything they say seriously and taking everything they say with a pinch of salt. If she's really insane you shouldn't let that stress you out, call the cops, do whatever is necessary, but your peace is the most important thing.
     
  20. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 69.

    Very, very bad morning.
    Libido is gone.
    Sex drive gone.
    I'm starting to get really scared and discouraged.
    I feel like I'm just on day oblivion.
    I need to try rewiring.
    Abstaining isn't doing anything so far.
    I feel dead inside.
    I'm rapidly losing motivation that I will ever fix my ED and I'm just slowly accepting that I'm probably better off alone.
    Sexuality comes so naturally and easy to everyone else.
    I am raped of the most basic instinct- to get hard for a girl and have sex.
    I want kids one day, but I might never have that.
    I might never have a family of my own if I don't get better =(
    That thought is fucking terrifying.

    This sounds pathetic as hell, but I just want someone to crawl into my bed with me and hold me and tell me that everything will be okay in the end.

    I so badly want the right girl to come along and just kiss me on the goddamn lips.
    To hold me,
    cuddle with me,
    watch movies with me,
    sit in our underwear,
    and love me.
     

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