Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 51.

    I feel the hissing of the serpent named Libido.
    Just the thought of Satan's little whore is driving my dick insane.

    Why am I only turned on for the most disastrous girl in my life?
    Do I even have performance anxiety?
    I feel guilty, scared, panicky, worried about STD's, and fucking awful about myself but my dick will not calm down around her.
    No matter how black out fucked up I am my dick is always alive around her. What in the fuck?
    And I can't get hard for other girls.... why?

    Like I get a text message from her and get a boner.
    What the hell!!!!!!
    At least I know somewhere down in my demented soul I have the lust of the devil.
    I could probably still get hard as fuck if she were nothing more than a rotten corpse.

    Well I am breaking the Russian girl's heart.
    And my broken heart is taking me down the long road of Hell.

    Jesus called.
    He said go fuck yourself.
     
  2. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Probably just some sort of conditiong mate.

    If you can get hard for her through that same conditioning you can get hard for other girls. I would be ecstatic grtting hard with just one girl and having an out of control dick.
     
  3. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Apeman is right. The storm is always worse before the dawn. Sit tight, buddy. You don't see it now, but in time, it will come.

    Great news that you are able to get it up with Ashley. As I've said before, try and meet with girls and connect with them on a deeper level. Fuck thinking about your dick all the time like most guys do. You say you only want to be loved by a girl. Use the negative, desperate energy for good. Show a girl that not all guys think with their penises and their penises alone. Channel it, bro.

    If you are too depressed to channel it, watch this despair pass. Calm your mind. Try the meditation.

    If you don't take this advice, it's not because you're a 'dumb cunt'. You're just in self-destruct mode. That's fine, I get this too. Just sit it out and wait for the storm to subside, then try.

    Also, what @gameover said.

    J
     
  4. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    This is a keen observation. There is such a thing as letting the car crash just to watch the fireball.

    We've all done it. With a bottle, with sex, with our fists, I'm sure there are countless other ways.

    Sometimes you've got to get knocked down to get up.
     
  5. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 52.

    Slept with Ashley again.
    BUT THIS TIME I STARTED GOING SOFT. FUCK.
    THIS NEVER HAPPENS WITH ASHLEY.
    I was hard through all of foreplay, and when I finished going down on her my dick wasn't fully erect and it kinda kept dying down.
    Obviously I started getting depressed.
    I tried putting it in when I was on top but it wasn't really working, so I laid down next to her.
    She grabbed my dick and it got hard again like almost immediately then she got on top and rode me and my dick was 100% the whole time till I came.
    But fucking Jesus don't tell me I'm slipping worse.
    I got a full hard on cuddling this morning when I grabbed her boob.
    As well as in the shower with her.
    But fucking goddamnit I feel like I'm further breaking.
    Can't tell if I feel flatlined or not.
    I am convinced this reboot is completely negatively impacting me. I have only seen negative results.

    I'm so done with this life.
    I'm so upset.
     
  6. Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    disappear, get off the internet.

    walk away, and never return. find a new home a new land, a new job a new life.

    http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=11969.0



    "The trick is to know that there is nothing wrong with you and to stop thinking about it... don't even come here, screw the forum! Come back when you're healed. For me, well... I had a lot of other problems on my head and I just stopped thinking about this (ofcourse there's a little fear every now and then and during sexy time) but I overcame that too. Now I'm even making jokes about it (with her offcourse) it's just a thing of the past now."
     
  7. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Hard from forplay? No drugs needed? She got you hard and rode you to orgasm?

    Not seeing anything negative there for a reboot from ED
     
  8. Invictuscreed

    Invictuscreed Life is short; don't waste it

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    @iHaveSeenEvil:

    Hey man, long time no see! About what you said before, remind yourself that this process is not linear. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if we feel like shit for another 50 days! But you know what? When you finally feel rebooted, you're going to look back and think "It was all worth it - the pain, the suffering, all of it."

    Whatever you do, don't relapse out of despair!!!! When I relapsed after my longest reboot, I realized that I had been making process, but it was just so gradual that I didn't notice it!

    You know what cheers me up when things aren't going well? I have a collection of reboot accounts that inspire me. Many of these reboot accounts show guys who haven't felt a single damn improvement for many months.. until one day it is like a light switch has been turned on - life becomes better :)

    Keep strong mate
     
  9. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 53.

    Life is not fun anymore.
    I want to disappear and run away.
    But it's me who's the problem.
    No matter how far I run, I'm always left with me.
    Everything in my life hurts.
    Everything.
    I can't find peace.
    Nothing is helping anymore.
    I can't smile anymore.
     
  10. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Hey man, I always read your posts but I never know what to say to you. Your posts are so very hopeless. I would really like to help but I think that as you say, it´s you who is the problem. Not in the sense that it is you who has Porn-related problems, but you have other problems and without knowing you I get the feeling that you think you are incapable of being happy. I hate saying this because obviously you know yourself better than I do and I have absolutely no right making assumptions about you, but I´m writing because I hope I can help somehow.

    I think the most important thing is to realize that the way we perceive the world is the reality of the world. If you are gonna keep on thinking that there is no point in living and that you are unhappy... I´m sorry mate, it´s gonna stay that way for you. If you enjoy wallowing in unhappiness and if you think you have a right to be depressed because you´ve been through tons of shit that I don´t know about, then please do. Just realise that the only thing you are doing is hurting yourself.

    This is not an optimal way to live life. There are so many things to live for, you just need to believe that the world is beautiful. Once you start looking at things from a positive standpoint and dismiss your negative thoughts, your perspective should change. This is so easy to write and it never really works like this, but I´m sorry to say that the only way you'll feel better is by changing yourself. Maybe deep down you like the feeling of hopelessness, maybe because you feel safe with that view on the world. That view won't give you anything but pain and death. Just ask yourself if that's what you really really want.

    I´m sorry if this post is sad and if I sound judgmental and like i'm on a high horse. I really don't want to sound like that. I also know that I can't come here and post clichés and think that everything's gonna be whoop-dee-doo great, but I always want to write something when you post such sad posts. I hate seeing other people feel bad. Just know that there are people you don't even know that you have never seen, nor will you ever see, that are hoping and wishing that you'll feel better about yourself.

    This is a poem called "The Fur" taken from the blog "I wrote this for you". I think you'd love the blog, his poems are great:
    "Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard.
    Do not let the pain make you hate.
    Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.
    Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree,
    you still believe it to be a beautiful place."
     
  11. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 54.

    JediMindTricks, you're right.
    Everything you said is right.
    Thank you for showing me that blog. I actually really do like that poem you posted here as well.

    Well everyone, I think I'm leaving here.
    I don't know for how long, but at least for a while.
    My issues are so beyond the point that this forum could help.
    I'm no longer really using it for my reboot so much as I am to bitch about my sad life before you all.
    No idea if this reboot will ever fix me. I'm staying away from porn forever, and maybe one day I will feel alive again.
    Maybe one day I will become the person I want to be.

    I'm inhibiting myself.
    I view myself as a fuck up with ED. I cannot view myself as anything else. It has now defined me.
    It's absolutely 100% destroyed my confidence, self esteem and all happiness. Destroyed it.
    It also turns out my dear sweet love who I wanted to marry is now having sex for money.
    I was always jealous that everyone seemed to have prostitutes to test their ED on, but over the past week that seems to have been exactly what I've been doing :-\. Fuck.

    I've been making horrible life decisions and I've found out I'm lying to so many people because I'm ashamed of myself.
    I'm the one putting myself in a black hole of despair and I'm the one who's killing me.
    I am breaking my own heart and destroying myself by living this way.
    None of these hard drugs or alcohol will make me better no matter how hard I try to make them.
    This catatonic depression and anxiety will not advance me to a career.
    Fuck my past and fuck everything I've been through.
    I am better and stronger than anything that has happened to me.
    I can let it ruin me or I can let it make me an experienced fucking warrior.

    I am going to live life as though there is nothing wrong with me.

    There is nothing wrong with me.
    I am a human.
    And I am perfect the way I am.
     
  12. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Good luck mate.
     
  13. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I wish you the very best, Dr. Evil. I hope you find peace and happiness in this life, and I respect you enormously for refusing to use porn to medicate the pain.

    GODDAMMNIT JEDI WHY ARE YOU CHOPPING THESE ONIONS IN MY HOUSE :mad: :'(
     
  14. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Good luck man, I second Apeman. I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

    J
     
  15. Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    i sincerely think leaving was the best for him.. it look like coming here became a bad habbit to express negativity about himself.

    if he stays away and lives his own life i think he will get better.
     
  16. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 61.

    Didn't think I would be back here but I feel pretty lost.
    My ED has officially gotten worse.
    I used to never have sexual issues with Ashley and that's pretty much exactly what's going on.
    I've been able to have successful sex each time we tried... but PE is out of control. Like 30 seconds is a good run.
    And after we have sex I feel entirely sexually out of it.
    Before I used to have boners that lasted a good deal longer and now they immediately drop, and the refractory period is so much longer.
    Also I started going soft at random points.
    Either way, we cut ties again, and now I am once again stranded alone with even worsened dick problems.

    I have no idea how this reboot is helping me and I want help. The so called "flatlined" or whatever has just royally fucked me.
    I can't tell, but I think my morning wood has disappeared as well.
    I never had this bad of ED or lack of sexual desire until I quit PMO, MO, and fucking Ash.
    Even last night I had a girl stay over and I was cuddling super tightly with her with my hand up her shirt grabbing her boobs and I felt like I wanted to get off, like really bad, but literally no movement from my dick. I felt SOME movement in my dick this morning cuddling up against her but I feel like that would have amounted to nothing.

    It's been about 5 months since I watched porn, and 2 months since I masturbated.
    I threw about 6 sex orgasms in my reboot and a blowjob orgasm.
    But the sex with her sucked and it never used to!
    Fuck!!!!
    I am fucking breaking!!!

    Russian girl wants to fuck me.
    Her friend wants to fuck me.
    My friend from back home asked to fuck me.
    My one ex has talked about fucking me.
    I've been fucking Ashley.
    Two of my other friends let me feel up their boobs.

    This is every man's dream but it's fucking murderous cause I can't fuck.
    I wanna fucking smash all day with all of them but I'm so sexually dead.
    I probably sound insane, but the fact that all of them wanna fuck makes me that much more stressed out.
    I have all these girls that wanna fuck (and yes, I'm counting my fucking blessings) but I can't get my fucking dick to work and it's making me feel like some beta bitch. I have all these opportunities to fucking rail some girls and I'm dancing around in bullshit land with a limp dick with tears streaming down my face. I am not a man.

    I am going to count my blessings, they have all been straight up about it, but I'm bitching out like a motherfucker.
    My dick just isn't fucking working right! I don't feel horny! I get no movement in my dick without Ash, but that shit has been wicked fucked too!
    I don't know what to do anymore.
    I'm freaking the fuck out like hard.
    I don't know what to do anymore =(
    I feel like the only method to fix myself is making me even worse =(
    I'm so fucking upset.
    Like I'm seriously about to give up and just watch porn again.
    if I can't ever experience real intimacy with girls again at least I will have something to fill my void.
    I feel so empty and broken.
    I woke up and fucking got wasted this morning with my cuddle buddy.
    What the fuck am I doing? Now I gotta go to class kinda fucked up.

    I really am not trying to be negative, I've been well in other factors and I understand I am lucky with what I have, I am just really losing hope now and really don't know what to do from here.

    The fact that it's been getting worse is just really, really killing me.

    Sorry.
     
  17. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Alright.
    I came back into this forum swinging with a shit attitude, but I needed to get the fore mentioned stuff outta my system.
    Yes, I'm broken as ever, and I can't fix it, but I can fix my attitude.
    Sorry for my psycho babble bullshit rant, but I had to get it out.

    I turned in two job applications a day ago, and I am about to graduate Uni.
    The jobs aren't relevant to my major, but that's okay.
    I need to learn to accept myself and not put pressure on myself.
    24 isn't a bad age. It's a bad age to have ED, but there are so many other reasons to be happy.
    I just need to find something else to fill the void if I'm going to be alone and impotent like this.
    I am human, no one said life is going to be easy, and no one said I will have what I desire.
    I will keep calm, meditate, and figure out what I need to do with my life to be happy.
     
  18. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    My brother. Firstly, welcome back.

    Dude, you seem to separate you being 'broken' and your attitude, as if they are two different things. My friend, I'm going to tell you now that your attitude is why you're broken. I'm sorry to drop this bombshell, but you need to understand that these are totally synonymous. My situation is very similar to yours. I too have lots of potential partners who would probably jump into the sack with me, but just because I don't sleep with them doesn't make me less of a man. What makes me a man is that I can admit to them and be honest with them that I have and have had a problem with porn, and I don't worry myself with the details of my dick not working, I don't shroud myself in negativity. I am compassionate with myself and I try to avoid negativity in my life because I just don't need it. A true alphamale is resourceful, and works with what he has. You need to use this ED as an opportunity for some serious soul searching. Dude, this is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, but if you find peace in the eye of the storm, when your erections come back, you will be a much wiser, better person. And that will have been your work, and that will never leave you. Then you will be a true alpha.
     
  19. JediMindTricks

    JediMindTricks 23 y/o with a mission!

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Welcome back. Honestly, I think that one of the reasons that you feel bad about not being able to have sex could be that you feel as if you should be having tons of sex right now. Mate, look at what you've done these last years, watching porn and masturbating and all that, and then see where that got you. It's cause and effect. Accept that, because you abused porn earlier in life, you have to go through this phase. It is just one stage on the way to being healed, but it is a stage that has to be passed through. Now, if you accept that you're in this stage of recovery, why are you putting so much pressure on yourself?

    Be kind to yourself, give yourself a break. I can't stress the importance of a person showing kindness and forgiveness towards one's self. There's only one "you". That "you" is trying hard to make sense right now out of a fucked up situation. Don't pile too many obligations on yourself. You do not exist for the sake of others. You are not in debt to anyone else. You do not have to pleasure women all the time just because you are a man. You do not have to fuck these girls right now. You are making it more difficult on yourself by surrounding yourself with girls who want to fuck you. Take a break, relax, tell 'em you ain't got time now.

    For inspiration, you could check out fugu's journal. That dude went more than 6 months of absolutely no PMO before it worked out for him, and his journal contains a very good and inspiring documentation of the journey from 0 to +400 days of no PMO.

    I hope this perspective helps you a little. I'm cheering for you, you should do the same :)
     
  20. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Couldn't agree more with this. Take heed of the Jedi Master, Dr. Evil!
     

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