Journal of iHaveSeenEvil -PIED cured, new girlfriend, new life.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by iHaveSeenEvil, Sep 18, 2013.

  1. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 46.

    This isn't me.
    I'm not mechanical.
     
  2. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 47.

    Last night some girl started acting sexual through out the day, and put my hand on her boobs a few times. It got really serious when we were driving back to her place.
    It's kinda funny cause the girl a day or two ago who made me kinda hard by shoving my hand in her shirt was the driver, but the girl in the passenger seat was having fun with my hand in her shirt lol.
    I can't say I really got hard or anything, and was like fucking goddamnit.

    However, I ended up laying in bed with her and she was laying on her back and just put her leg over me and I just started touching her thigh and I got a full boner. But my boner started fading away again. It didn't progress to anything other than that, but she said she liked my hand on her thigh. Her thighs are so fucked up with self mutilation, and I have never been bothered by it. She hates her thighs because of how scarred they are, and likes me touching them because it makes her feel better knowing I'm not bothered by them.

    Either way it didn't get any further than that, I briefly touched her vagina but that's it.
    I kinda felt a bit if a libido today. Fuck yeah.
     
  3. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Getting hard is a good sign. Why do you beleive you still have ED?

    These girls clearly want you to fuck them.
     
  4. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Like many other people suffering here, just because I can get hard to thought or laying next to a girl or during foreplay doesn't mean that I can have proper sex. It's happened before where I've had a hard on and when I get on top of them or insert my dick inside them I start going soft and am unable to maintain a boner again. Really fucking irritating.

    My dick does work, there isn't a problem with my actual dick, it's just my ability to be aroused enough for sex.
    It definitely does seem like it is getting somewhere though. I could enter a fucked flatline again in the next few days though.
    So yeah it'll definitely come down to whether or not I can fuck a girl and not go soft until after I come.
    Then I will feel like I made some real progress.
    I haven't had that yet though.
     
  5. Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    damn dude.
    you need to smoke some weed and chill or something.

    overstresses the fuck out.. 2 girls down to fuck sheesh!
     
  6. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    It almost sounds like you've become so used to having women around that they're not even particularly arousing.

    I suppose we humans will get used to anything.

    You're pushing some impressive numbers, Dr. Evil. I'm interested to see what happens as you continue to rise.
     
  7. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Nooooooo haha I refuse to believe it works that way!
    I'm kinda counting on the cuddling and intimacy and boob grabbing being part of a rewiring process.
    It'll probably take more than just that though.
    Nothing I'm doing in real life is jolting my sexual dopamine up like 5 tabs of high speed hot lesbian porn opened for hours repeating the same 5 seconds that gave me the biggest rushes.
    And even if I am, it's not artificial bullshit, it's the real deal.
    Fuck all that artificial shit. It broke my damn brain!

    I haven't lost my interest in real girls whatsoever.
    I believe my brain is just warped.
    It's a pretty shitty feeling.
    But my numbers definitely are getting somewhere =3
     
  8. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    You just described the process or porn-induced numbness. It's not that you don't find women interesting, it's your brain that has forgotten the connection between real women and sexual arousal.

    Best analogy I can think of is that your attraction is locked inside a strongbox in your brain and cannot spread to the rest of your body.
     
  9. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 48.

    That's the best way to describe it!!
    The attraction is in my brain, and brain only.


    Well pretty much I fucked up and slept with my ex.
    Ran into her at a party.
    Didn't say shit to her.
    We were with the same group of friends so we stayed near each other.
    At the end of the night she asked my friend and I to come over.
    Told me she wanted me to stay over.
    Started making out.
    Things got hot and heavy, and we kept kissing.
    Doing this for a while led to sex.
    I didn't last long at all but the 48 days of no O really made for one of the most powerful orgasms I've ever had. I was able to make her O as well so that's good.
    I felt alive in the moment but now I feel alone again.
    Also feel like I just threw a wrench in my reboot.
    Apart from an hour or so refractory period, I don't feel like I've lost progress though.
    I got hard several occasions from just being super cuddled close afterwards til this morning when she left for work, but that's just her and her magic alone.

    Making really unhealthy choices for myself.

    She's been kissing me a lot though.
    She also said some shit she probably shouldn't have about liking me.
    I have welcomed the devil back into my life. Fuck.
     
  10. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    As you say, you don't feel like you've lost progress. Dude, you're been 48 days without O, give yourself a break. You're going to want to have a sex with her, it's completely natural, especially as you say she is the only one who gives you an erection. These choices aren't as unhealthy as you might think, they're just natural. You know that she's not good for you but you also know that you have needs for being wanted and getting sex. Just go with the flow, and don't beat yourself up. Things will turn out the way they turn out. Deal with each moment as it comes.

    P.S. I relapsed yesterday and watched pussy pics without MO. Trying to be compassionate with myself but even saying it makes me feel guilty.

    Peace,

    J
     
  11. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    (Sorry Jeff, didn't realize this was gonna be such a long reply, lol.)

    Jeff,
    I've seen a retarded amount of porno related shit, including full blown hard core porn during this reboot.
    It's fucking everywhere.
    I also have taken zero advice about K9 blockers, or deleting porn and such.
    Even though my behaviors with porn were a classic text book case of an addiction, I am fortunate enough to have been able to quit for good.
    There's still porn on my laptop, phone, and it pops up all over the internet. Movies, TV, shows... you name it. Everywhere.
    In a movie, I'll watch nudity or a sex scene as long as it's not too graphic or making me wanna PMO.
    If it's like straight porn I just close my eyes or click away or whatever the best response is for said situation.
    i don't intentionally look up porn or dwell on images or start M'ing while looking at any of it.
    I don't consider any of this relapsing. This is my opinion though.

    I guess it's like a smoker developing lung cancer and being scared cold turkey off cigarettes.
    Kinda bad example because I had lung cancer but still smoke cigarettes lol.
    ANYWAY.
    PIED scared me cold turkey off porn.
    I'd take lung cancer again any day to have these ED issues go away. Straight up. That's how scared I am to PMO again haha.

    Bottom line friend, I think when you start masturbating while watching the videos then that's when the dopamine really flares up.
    I remember toward the later end of my porn watching sometimes I would turn it on and be like "Oh goddamn this is fucking hot" but not usually get much of a physical response until I started jerking off. THEN the porn suddenly became mesmerizing and fucking out of control impossibly beautiful and THEN my dopamine would fire like a goddamn atom bomb, lol. So at least for my case I'm not too worried when I see porn, as long as I don't entertain myself with it. PMO is the real devil here. Watching P is like his demons. Not good by any means, but also quite as bad. I recommend to stop watching if you can.

    My issue with sleeping with Ashley is that I feel terrible about myself afterwards. I feel lonely, anxious, numb, jealous, spiteful, and sets me back to uncertainty in life.
    Yeah, at the end of the day it's just a quick easy fuck, which is nice, but it has other consequences.
    There was a saying I read
    "There are other fish in the ocean... No, fuck you, she was my ocean."
    And this is exactly how I feel.
    Right now this ocean is frozen and I can walk on top and around it and not give a fuck or get hurt, but the more i fucking stomp around on top of it and stick my dick in the ice I know I'm gonna fall back in.
    It's nothing like it was a few months ago, though. Yeah, I must admit, I still have feelings for her... it's hard to let go of feelings for someone you wanted to marry. But here I am. Numb, dead, no personality, and empty. So it's not too hard keeping feelings from redeveloping.

    Her and I had a conversation about feeling dead inside.
    I told her I no longer felt like a human anymore.
    She replied by saying she was nothing more than the echo of a person.
    "The echo of a person."
    I was taken aback as to how perfectly that describes how I feel.

    Ashley and I are just two absolutely shattered and destroyed people who are still in love.
    As the past four years have gone by we haven't been able to stay together and we haven't been able to stay apart.
     
  12. CidGuerreiro

    CidGuerreiro Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    At this point I'd prefer a messed up relationship like you seem to have than my current situation: no girl, no sex, no affection and none of that in the foreseeable future.

    Everything has it's ups and down and you seem to be missing that.
     
  13. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I guess I did P and M'd a little bit, but didn't edge or O. I reset my P counter because I purposefully sought out pr0n. It definitely counts as a relapse. Quite proud though that I stopped when I did and didn't properly engage in MO.


    Dude, read the poem I wrote that I recently posted in my journal. There is a particular verse that relates to this exact feeling.


    Have you got an artistic outlet? Maybe you could use these negative feelings for something good, like writing or drawing or music. Music for me has always been my outlet but now it just seems like work because I study it at university. I've found myself turning to the written word in recent months, which serves as a great outlet for these hopeless feelings. Yesterday I started writing poems for the first time. All I've ever written before is songs, but I guess my poems came out alright. I'll post more as I write them.

    Again, go with the flow. Once you try to read too deeply into something someone else said you start to over-think. I have been a sucker for this in the past.

    Peace.

    P.S Sorry, just realised how retarded full Bold looks. I won't do it next time but cba to remove it lol.
     
  14. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    You seem none too pleased about the situation, but...

    [​IMG]

    No one could write so much without having some genuine, very human feels about the whole business. Maybe that's torture, but that's the price of giving a fuck about another human being.

    You may think you've "fucked up," but I (respectfully) disagree. If anything, you sound like you're getting back in touch with your humanity.
     
  15. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I love you guys.

    CidGuerreiro
    As damaging to myself as it is, I'm trying to be thankful that I at least have it. Though it brings more happiness, my darker moods become more unstable and scary. It's bittersweet I suppose.

    Jeff

    "So much love hath he in the depths of his heart,
    That he cannot express, through sex nor art,"

    "As when she goes the darkness does close,
    And reminds him of his cruel, cold foes."

    I definitely relate to these the most. I feel like that last line most references my feelings of feeling empty, anxious and all that shit when the girl leaves.
    Also, yes, I write a shit ton of poetry.
    Sometimes it's really hard to write, but when I feel emotionally fucked it's like I cannot stop the beautiful words from splattering themselves onto paper. It's very therapeutic and almost like a diary to me. Despite that they are all depressing to read, they make me happy, and it helps me sort out my thoughts and get myself organized.

    Apeman
    Haha, thank you. GIF is amazing lol.
    As much as it did summon feelings that I haven't felt in a while, it almost kinda felt like all these feelings were sucked from me as I was feeling them. They came straight from my soul but flew away into oblivion.


    Today hasn't been too bad so far though. I've felt numb beyond the point of even being upset. Not sure if it's gonna fuck with me as much as I thought it would.
     
  16. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Congrats managing to have sex. Urges for more though will likely come.
     
  17. Original Jeff

    Original Jeff Don't settle for a quick-fix; unravel the layers.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    I'm glad you can relate to some of the words, man, I've written a couple more since, maybe I'll share them too. Have you thought of sharing some of your poetry? It'd be cool to see some of them, and we could give each other tips and stuff. But you could also put it on your journal!?

    With the numbness, I feel you, man. All you can do is write a poem about numbness. Do it man, use the best language you can to describe utter emptiness. You tried meditation yet?

    J
     
  18. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 49.

    Bad life decisions, man.
    They come with fucked up consequences.

    I am broken like glass.
    I am the withered autumn leaves.
    I am the cold winter rain that chills everyone to the bones.
    I am the graveyards that torture the lonely dead.
    I am wretchedness.
    I am bereavement.

    I am nothing more than the echo of a human like I once was.

    My friend's heart is breaking because of me.
    Poor girl, you have to understand I am more broken than you.
    Two months ago when I gave you my number I didn't expect it to end up like this.

    I am so fucking catatonic.

    The devil is real.
    He lives inside me.
    I think I'm dying here...
     
  19. iHaveSeenEvil

    iHaveSeenEvil Do it for her, the mother of my children.

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Day 50.

    I'll give myself some credit for not MO'ing for 50 days.

    Unfortunately I have nothing to celebrate.
    I am digging myself into an absolute well of despair and I have no one to blame but me.
    Due to the fact that I am so self-deprecating I am going to try as hard as I can to leave my impossibly upsetting personal life out of this forum.
    Everyone here will have the perfect advice that I won't take, because I'm a dumb cunt.

    Since fucking Ashley my libido seems to have come alive, but I still don't know how useful it will be around other girls. I still don't know how I would physically respond to other girls. Sigh.

    A libido is really fucking annoying when my fucking dick doesn't wanna work properly.

    I have no idea what's going on with anything anymore.
    No idea about this reboot, nor what it's doing for me.
    No idea about girls anymore, nor my sexual attraction towards them.
    All I know is that I wanna love a girl.
    I am so confused and sad.

    Unfurl thy limbs breathless succubus...
     
  20. Apeman

    Apeman It means you're a baboon... And I'm not

    Re: Journal of iHaveSeenEvil - this is life or death

    Woohoo! The depths of despair! I'm not trying to be callous, but as someone on the outside looking in, I'm reminded of an old aphorism: The night is always darkest before the dawn.
    It's clear you're in some deep darkness. I'm glad you've stuck to your reboot through all this, because I want to see your dawn.
     

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